****ed off and sometimes you go way over board and your like someone else in the whole argument like crossing the line and saying things hurtfull stuff when your really not like that like your some one else then like im a monster or something it even scares me when i rage like that

Personally I walk away...
....I isolate myself somewhere to be with myself and consider all the possibilities.
that's one thing I do well.
...I don't put words between me and anyone I should'nt have said.
it has alot to do with your upbringing.

I was an only child and I never saw my parents fight...
.....I knew they were'nt getting along when they divorced when I was 6
and I spent equal time with them.
and neither spoke badly of the other.

I walk away also not because it is my natural temperament to do so but because I have had to live with the consequences of people who didn't. One can apologize but one can never take the words back -

I am not some one who thinks before speaking when angry so it is best if I walk off before speaking - my mother allowed me to feel however I wanted but I could not express myself in any manner I pleased. I had to express my emotions appropiately if I was not capable of expressing myself in a productive manner I was expected to go and be alone in my room until such a time I had better control.

Like the member who wrote the post above this one it does have a lot to do with up bringing

I.....also walk away. Those who know me well know that I am so unprepared to "argue" that I need space, and I may just hang up the phone or walk out. But, I always come back when I can think straight, which is when I am calm and really know how I feel and can better express myself w/o anger
.
Sometimes I go in my closet and scream at or in my clothes. They don't mind too much. ;-) You can also hit pillows or another self-designated, safe, punching bag.

One thing I have learned from working with my son, is that I choose to be angry, or choose not to. If there is something he or I have a problem with, we sit down and pretty much calmly talk it through now, because it is sooo important for both people to feel not only heard, but VALIDATED. Just validating the other person or each other somehow releases a lot of the tension.

Have you two signed up for that pre-marital counseling yet? They will help you and your guy problem-solve respectfully and effectively.

You will likely hear this from me again the more questions you post like this. LOL! I said that with love, Marytza, you guys REALLY need a third part to help you sort out these kinds of things, or they will JUST GET WORSE once you are together 24/7.

HUGS.

I withdrawal from others also. Interesting that maybe the wrong thing to do if you want a relationship to last.

I should walk away more than I do. I am normally thinking about things long before I have the discussion. Most of the time,I don't always reply with the "best" rebuttal. I grew up in a home where when I was in trouble, I got the silent treatment. My mom didn't like to ever talk about it again. Once she got over it, she was over it-even if I wasn't. With that in mind, if you can, walk and cool off, that would be my suggestion. Angry words are almost like a brand. Scars (especially those kind) never go away. Sure they "heal over", but are always there.

I am 25, I can' t remember a lot of things, but there are some "angry words" even from when I was in elementary school that I can remember someone saying. That stuff just sticks with you. Now, imagine being an adult and living in the here and now. You have opinions and point of views too. It then becomes a big ordeal to both be heard. When neither back down, the comments get worse and cut deeper. Taking a few minutes to get your head wrapped around the situation and rationally say what you need to is always the way to go.

Hmmmm... I'm dealing with this also. I will slowly simmer and then reach some threshold that I don't percieve and before you know it I'm blowing my top (verbally) and saying things I have no business saying, just to be hurtful. Then I'll try to avoid a repeat by staying away for a while but that usually only makes things worse. I guess it's a matter of developing some consciousness as to where your anger level is at at that particular moment, and not allowing things to escalate. But avoidance can make your partner or loved one even more upset, and it's a cumulative effect.

My family experience was one parent yelling and screaming hysterically while the other tried to ignore it, which resulted in even more yelling and screaming. They divorced in my early teens. Funny, eh?

It depends on the circumstances, as well as who I'm talking to.

I try and walk away whenever possible.

Otherwise, I make an effort to accept personal responsibility for my own actions;including making amends (whenever possible).

However, if I haven't done anything and the other person simply wants me to get angry;then I'll die before I give a mean person what they want.

What happens next is like a game of mental Nintendo, and I'm in charge of my controller.

I end up using a paradoxical technique ( reverse psychology), which has always worked for me.

Some of my favorite remarks are:

1) (for females) That's cute, is it new? or What did you do with your hair?;looks great

2) I can see you've had a stressful day

3) I really appreciate your feedback, I can see how that will help me do a better job
and

4) Can I offer someone a beverage?

There's lots more but you get the idea.

tc

mctavish23
(Robert)

Interesting...I was discussing a situation with my therapist a couple of days ago... In the past, it would take me a long time to get really ****ed, and when I did (which wasn't often, so I think it surprised my SO/friend/whomever) I would scream one phrase (unprintable here...):o and walk out. I'd go for a drive, cool off, then return. (And apologize).

Most of my life, I've just taken what comes my way, and internalize it rather than letting it out. Recently, I was in a bad mood, knew it, and tried to steer clear of everyone at work. I had a run-in with a friend/co-worker, and I got really ****ed off. Later, I apologized for my behavior, in an email, after work, when I had calmed down and was away from the situation. I told my therapist that it seems lately, especially when dealing with an ex, that i've been getting angrier quicker, and I think with this work situation, I was just tired of holding it in, and it sort of felt good to let it out.

Incidentally, yesterday I started Adderall, and it really seemed to help, much better than the Ritalin I was on. I'm trying not to use my bad mood & non-working meds as an excuse, but since I'm RARELY a snarling she-b****...[sigh] Of course, this is the same friend that when I asked her to be my coach (she's the closest person to me that I feel I can ask) she still didn't believe that I had ADHD, because I'm not like her friend that has it. And, something that hit me yesterday, she said pretty much the same thing my Mom said years ago when I told her Dad was an alcoholic. She paused and said, "and you think Dad is an alcoholic??"

****ed off and sometimes you go way over board and your like someone else in the whole argument like crossing the line and saying things hurtfull stuff when your really not like that like your some one else then like im a monster or something it even scares me when i rage like that

Its hard, I still have that problem on occasion, now I more or less walk away and sometimes sleep on the couch or the guest room. I would suggest you get that issue under control prior getting married.;)

someone i dont know.. i usually run with it. This is not a good idea:)

But if i care about the person.. i try to filter my mouth.. and collect my thoughts before i vocalize.

I usually walk away.
If its instant impulsive-like anger then I try not to let it out because I havent thought it through.

try to ask myself..
Am I acting just on sudden impulse?
Do I know all the facts?
Do I have reason to be angry?
What is the appropriate way to react?

If i think it through and realise my anger is valid then I will confront the person with the issue (when I've cooled down). Not saying anything will lead to a build up of anger which isn't healthy. It may lead to an increased outburst later on.

If my anger isnt valid then I'll drop it and try to work out what made me angry in the first place. My own insecurity? misunderstanding? or..?

Unfortunately this isnt always the case, i sometimes act on instant impulse.

I tend to only blow up on people when I've been really disrespected. I usually find that I'm too nice, but when someone really crosses the line and does something below the belt I go ape sh*t! I've made men cry before... I can't say they didn't deserve it though. I probably have one or two major arguments a year, other than that I tend to keep my cool and try to talk the situation/conflict out reasonably. I find that saying things like "i feel" instead of "you ____" helps you always win an argument. Kill em with kindness... it's the worst (for the person that pi*sed you off). If i don't take my medicine it is a whole other story though. I blurt out things without thinking and don't realize it until I've hurt someone else's feelings. It's hard to walk away.. i know, so next time you get really angry kill them with kindness!