What finally made you stop using? Did you go to a doctor and seek help that way or did you quit cold turkey on your own? What were the steps you had to go through to get clean?

What substance(s) are in questioning?

lived in rehab for a year. this was after hitting my bottom. Now I have almost 5 years

What finally made you stop using?

I became less afraid of changing than I was of them staying the same.

Addiction in itself means that one continues to use a substance despite unfavorable consequences and a desire to stop - that pretty well some it up for me. I got tired of the way my addiction was hurting my family and I became willing to do what ever it took to quit !

Had to admit to myself there was a problem, a real problem. For the longest time I thought about it as no big deal, I'll quit when I feel like it.

What substance(s) are in questioning?

Anything.

the fear of continued use , exceeded the fear of withdrawls..

....that's basiclly when we all quit.

I remember walking home and I could feel my body dieing inside. I could feel myself
deteriorating. I tired to quit then. It didn't last long before I was back to smoking and dealing.


I told my parents I was addicted (I was 17). They had me start rehab (intensive outpatient) I failed almost every U.A. My counselor recommended impatient. I had too many things to do to be locked up for 28 days. "Screw that" I remember saying.

Shortly there after my parents had me sent away to a place in another country for about 6 months. Just in the nick of time. When I got down there I found out I was pregnant (only like 2 weeks along)

I got home and have not picked up since. Having my daughter helps (in that I don't want to put her though that, nor do I want her to go through what I went through). Not being with the same friends helps. Not tolerating people to use illegal drugs in front of me helps. Going to places where I feel supported and understood helps.

For me, there is also the desire to have a say in how I live my life and what I do. For so long I felt controlled by the drugs and the people I was with. I had to use. I couldn't stand the way I felt when I didn't use. It was unbearable. I hated myself when I didn't use. I hated myself when I did use. I hated what I did, who I had become and the things I did that hurt other people. It was like the me I grew up knowing myself to be took a back seat the the me that was using. The battle inside me kept growing and I felt that the addiction was winning. (Perhaps why I felt myself dying)

It wasn't until I got away and was in a safe place where I couldn't use and I had to learn to be with myself that I was able to be comfortable in my own skin again.

I have had ups and downs. Periods of time when I thought about going back. Periods of time when nothing seemed worth it. I never did pick up. I hope I never do again. I have a kiddo to look out for. An accountability. If it was just me. I think I would have used again a long time ago. (not that I recommend having a kid to get clean. For many people it doesn't work and the kids are exposed to way too much too soon or they are abused or neglected)

Sorry this turned out to be so long. Hope it provides some sort of an answer

I did not wanna quit.


It was clear to everyone who knew me
when....

....my fingernail marks are engraved down the sides of my
recovery...from fighting it.

....I knew it was'nt here, where my folks live.

I could'nt BELIVE I was too insane to work, keep a home

......I was like an animal in a cage.

we went to atlanta for new years eve, the 1st year I was here, I was trying to make sure it was gonna be where I was going when I got there, I was desperate...it was, it sucked, I went to sleep, and that frustrated me more...like a using dream.

....I so was angry I lived. I was gonna die using, and I came so close, I was in denial of existence.

....when I relapsed afrter 6 years of abstaining, it was
like holding my breath for 6 years, under some spell in
a plastic bubble with Styrofoam macaroni up to my chin.
......there was no hope for escape from.


My ex BF had some valid points, about quitting.

...and he loved me so much, I would never choose a drug over a person...ever.

(I had no idea how it could possibly effect my mom, I thought, she just does'nt want me to, cause she quit doing drugs)

..... he was 9 years younger than me.

and he did'nt understand, but neither did I.

If he caught me reading a recovery website, he acted like it was some weird porn, and I felt ashamed, so I could'nt use...and I could'nt recover...
he made me feel like i was cheating on him when I did.

DAMN! forget about it already suzie, 4 yrs later?!
..you STILL thinking about fukin speed! ...it makes me sick!
bla bla bla!

............I stopped trying to get support.
I never knew what was wrong with me..

I was depressed, lost, frustrated with my thoughts..
......just in a slump, and I just sucked it up, and strained
to live with my choice of love over speed.

...I did ALOT more damage to myself, on the 95 run, when I
found ice dirt cheap.....and stayed up 2 weeks at a time
at 31 years old..slept 3 days repeat for a year.

.... I was really, really strung out for the 1st time.

I was used to bouncing right back....and I never did.

My ex was in 2 car accidents in one year, when we moved to
Vegas, and when we moved to LA...
.... and his tools hit him in the head both times, he had scar tissue on his brain.

and, the were trying all kinds of meds on him..
...and everyone seemed to make him crazier.

He slept 18 hours a day, and I was alone, not recovering.

....he started warping...and suzette, the addict in me, was up on my haunches..
when he flat lied to me and was really shytty doin' it..
....about his whereabouts...I'm NOT clingy either.

he left like 11am with a stage hand friend...I was all for him going...so he'd get out of bed.

....so like 11pm ...I was like wow.
I hope they are ok.

...I called and he "did'nt know where he was, and I embarrassed him calling" ....suzette woke right up to that

*we don't know where we are either*.

when I picked up..it was all over.

I made a declaration of dependence.

...I would rather live a short life happy than a long life depressed.
......I did it off and on when he was sleeping.

I was still lonely, but...
.....I did'nt know, I could "not know where I was" here and there.. ...that ws good.
...I was determined to tame the tiger.
I still ate it...
.....in the morning...slept at night.

and functioned better than before! ...I was evenfeeling accomplished in my creative endevors.

....he started getting violent..on the loratab, percocett, valium, efflixor, paxil, lexapro, prozak...everything they tried...he was worse, till he said, I'm gonna bust you in the mouth ...

for singing rocky raccoon....I said, that ain't in the equation..bye.

.....within the 1st month I was using.

I came home, to mom.

but I was'nt bad that time...I told her how i was feeling and she took me to a shrink for severe depression.

....yet, I could'nt sit still or pay attention, I felt
so frustrated....he said, you're so ADHD.

....when I came out, my mom was eyeballing me on the adderrall...she's not speed promotion..by any stretch.

.....SHE HATES IT.

she said....omg suzie, you look like you again!

....we were both thrilled...I was helped.

my ex kept calling saying he detoxed from everything...
...and the drugs made him that way.

I told him I was ADHD, he said, yeah i know.

.....all my friends said....oh yeah, of corse you are!

I was like why did'nt someone tell me?

...when I went back to vegas....It was gonna be great!
I was ok! ..I did'nt need meth!

.....welp, he quit loratab and percocett....and started
smoking crack and meth in hollywood at the private screenings with the directors and actors he was rolling film with...
.....drs were moving out of vegas, I couldnt find one.

malpractice insure went way up...and vegas is tight with
any meds because of addiction...and strattera flipped me out
more than it helped..

.....he was like..lets do some crack and speed one night
I was like.

....huh? ...you can have the crack...but, YEAH!

so...the downward spiral began.


he was'nt working the entire year I was supporting him working 2 jobs...doing meth.

.....I was GONNA do it FOREVER.

I was smoking it now, and getting it cheap.

my home was a chaotic bunch of crap, so I drew at the
bus stop...
....and was worse by the second.
things I would'nt consider acceptable before, were just
dark world temporary accomidations.


it's not a tragity to die doing what you love~
....was my motto.

every payday loan I got I just knew that 600 dollars would kill me.
....I had alot of things malfunctioning.

I was so sick when I ate, and did'nt use.

..my stomach lining, or something...it was bad.
my left arm was numb, I hallucinated all the time now from
sleep deprivation...I enjoyed that....for the most part.

I thought..

"I'll never live to pay this loan" (yes you will) ...nah.

.......this is the one, (uh uh ) ok one more...(you are not supposed to die here) till I had nine.

I was like Gawd!
.....there's nothing that will kill me, I'm seeing dead relatives now! (you have only a short time left here)
.....no way! I'll leave in a body bag! ....(absorb it, this is what you choose to do with your life)

....and BAM.

here I am.

...then, it was like clockwork orange, because I was FORCED
into seeing things I did'nt wanna see, and I resisted..

...even after I opened methology...how did I do it?

I never expected it to last the weekend.it was a complete accident.......I did'nt wanna see friends get worse when they relapsed...I did'nt wanna see my moms anguish, and pain as they watch their child or spouse become a different creature

.....but I had the words to unlock many of their mysteries, about certain issues

I realized moms pain..
...........I could'nt die using now.

so, NOW, I was afraid id see it, and it will kill me next time......

I could see every single time, I came back less, and
had less fun....so did my peers here...I know its snorting a bullett
.... I could'nt look left or right, NOW for fear I would SEE it and relapse...

....then finally san francisco..I got outta my box.
I met about 30 people I knew on line for the last 3 years, it was amazing.

I had an eppiphany there...
....I'll spare you.
but in short...recovery comes from within.
...I can't let a piece of chemical waste I animate
to keep me in a box.

I drug my feet every step of the way.

.....until it was as plain as day.

I never "got it" because someone told me "drugs are bad"
....I was'nt computing that...

but by accident...
..............I understand.

that was alot of crap to get a simple idea.
...........I'm HARD to reach when I get an idea in my head.

and my destiny just keeps unfolding..
....I don't wanna die doing speed.


I'll be clean for 3 years june 27th, and happy gay pride day then too. *smiles*

Subtracting Addiction

We've all got one--an addiction, that is. There are the well-known addictions: drugs, alcohol, smoking, gambling. There are the less-known-but-getting-more-well-known-each-day addictions: food, sex, romance, work, religion, spirituality--almost anything good can be turned bad by obsession and lack of moderation. Some people are addicted to their negative thoughts and the feelings those thoughts produce.

Some minimize their addictions by calling them "bad habits." Others deny addiction and seemingly become addicted to denial. Many, who wouldn't dream of having an addiction, are addicted to normalcy. We all have one.

An addiction is anything that has more power over you than you do. If it "runs" you, it's an addiction.

If you're not sure it's addiction,
.............stop doing it.

If you can stop for an indefinite period of time,
....................then it's a preference, not an addiction.

If you can't--or can't even conceive of giving it (them) up--that's addiction.

Once you overcome your addiction, you know you can overcome all things. The impossible becomes possible. The undoable, doable. The unmanageable, manageable. Overcoming an addiction even eases the process of releasing our addiction to life at the time of our death.

In the process of overcoming addiction, you can learn discipline, self-confidence, humility, appreciation, self-love, and forgiveness. Important lessons, these.

-- from "Life 101"

Hrmm that's a hard one.


I think it was the fact that getting my drug of choice was becoming such a hassle, when I didn't get it I wasn't able to function.

Opiates had a very good effect on my ADD so I guess I was self-medicating. When I told my doctor she suggested subutex which is much weaker than methadone, it did the trick nicely. Got rid of my withdrawals and all the stresses that come with obtaining illegal drugs. I never injected anything and didn't really like getting smacked out so it wasn't that hard for me to quit opiates.


Pot - Still smoke a little bit occasionally but I have to be careful. If I start smoking often I feel brain dead. Doesn't help my ADD or anything else in my life. It's easy to get into the habit of smoking because it's seen as much 'softer' than other drugs. I think pot probably screwed up my life more than opiates overall.

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b219/suzannex/peoples%20pix/scan0012-1.jpghttp://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b219/suzannex/peoples%20pix/2008-03-11-37798.jpg








where's waldo?

2 months before I quit - now

a failed suicide attempt did it for me. I have a spiritual awaking...no white light or burning bush. Just a moment of pure clarity in the middle of chaos. I knew I had a problem and needed to get help
greg

My daughter dying on me three times, while i was too messed up to know what was happening. THANK YOU GOD, for giving me another chance with her. Thank you baby girl for not leaving me!!

For me I got tired of my useless "friends." I was a child of the sixties and the seventies and smoking pot was my main thing. The biggest incentive was when I found out they had passed a new law calling for anyone taking opiates for chronic pain, were going to and do have "Pain Contracts" your doctor has you sign before you get any medication. And my need for relief from the chronic pain I had dealt with for almost 3 decades from having ten major surgeries for giant cell bone cancer by far outweighed my wanting to smoke pot. With these "Pain Contracts" you sign, they have a bunch of stipulations, one being that you are required to take "random" drug testing. And if THC pops up on your test you get NO more medication and the doctor releases you from their services and will not ever treat you again. And nowadays it is very difficult to recieve opiates even when you are totally legitimate the way the DEA has been cracking down on doctors and pharmacists, etc.