View Full Version : dating

06-08-08, 08:20 AM
There's this person I have been dating. I kept dating him because he lives a long way away from me, and we only see each other every other month or so. I think he's getting more serious or something though, and I want to be easy about this. I don't necessarily wish to change the way things are- I do care about him and enjoy having him in my life but I am not interested in living with someone, being monogamous, or any of that.

I'm worried that I will give in, just to avoid dealing with any kind of emotional stuff from him, or just to keep seeing him, since I'm getting what I want out of this, I might let him get too serious with me...I really enjoy his company, he is hilarious and he is adorable. He doesn't have as much experience in dating as I do, though.

I don't want to be like I've been with people, last guy I was dating like this I just lied and said sure we can be whatever, monogamous....I don't want that and of course never did live up to it...that ended badly needless to say

How do you do it? How do you tell people no? I mean I don't want to change anything...why do people have to be so grabby and stuff, why can't they just enjoy what they've got for what it is...

I have been dating him non-exclusively for about two years, off and on.

There's one guy I see that also lives pretty far away in the opposite direction, he and I have been dating like this, rare dates, for about four years now- that is probably the longest "relationship" I've had. He has low demands on me and that's good, it makes things easy. Why can't everyone be that simple to deal with?

I don't know if anyone can offer any advice but I'd be interested to hear how other people have handled this kind of thing. I don't know either if anyone is like me in NOT wanting relationships, or really liking being alone.

I just start to enjoy my relationships with people, when they start...wanting things from me. I don't know how to maintain it in the good time between first-date stupidity and "oh I want to get more serious"...I wouldn't mind having these low-level kinds of relationships but people always seem to want more.

06-08-08, 12:44 PM
I understand you wanting to be alone, it keeps things simple. And sometimes just asking us a question can require too much commitment. But if you find the right person and he understands what you are dealing with, it could work.

I'll share my relationship experience, and just hope that I don't bring you down too much. You just have to be firm about what you want. Help them to understand what you are dealing with, give them some books to read and let them decide for themselves if they could be what you need.

To be honest my marriage felt a bit like 'The Taming Of The Shrew'. And I think it only lasted as long as it did because he was a soldier and away a lot. That gave him a break from me, and it allowed me to indulge my imagination as to what could be wrong with me.

More than ten years later I was finally diagnosed with a personality disorder. I began to read a lot about it and to be honest, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have got married. I was lucky in that I found a nice person. And I've often thought that married to anyone else, I wouldn't be here today. Twenty years later we sat down and talked about divorce. We were worn-out, with nothing left to give each other. And as dramatic as it might sound, he got me this far and I felt guilty for what I had put him through, I owed him, so I decided to let him go with no more hassle from me.

If you can communicate the situation to them the same way you did here, letting them know that you don't deal well with pressure. They know you, they haven’t just arrived on the scene, there's a very good chance that they will understand.

I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

06-08-08, 10:08 PM
thanks bluerose.