I am a non-ADDer with an ADD husband. We've been together for 16 years. He was diagnosed 2 years ago, and is on medication. He's in the 8th year of trying to complete his PhD.

I could really use some support coping with things. I'm honestly not sure if I'm being unreasonable and insensitive, or if my husband is being unreasonable.

My husband seems to be to be extremely dependent on me. He has not managed to develop coping strategies that work for him (although he is painfully aware of the need for them) and he depends on me to take up the slack.

I try to help him figure out how to get things accomplished, but he constantly gets angry with me for not doing/trying/suggesting things that "work for him."

He expects a great deal of support from me - an amount which seems to me to be unreasonable. For example, I can't go to bed before he does (which is pretty late), because if I do, he'll end up staying up all night. If I *do* go to bed, then I'm perceived as being selfish, and uncaring about what happens to him. As a result, I end up getting far too little sleep, and my own performance at work suffers.

As another example, we'll be getting ready to get going in the morning, and he'll be frustrated and upset because he hasn't been getting things accomplished, and things are piling up, and he doesn't know what to do. I will try to help, making suggestions about how to approach things, what my perceptions of priorities are, etc. He'll get upset that I'm not understanding how important *everything* is, how it *all* has to get done, and how I'm not trying to be helpful. Eventually, I'll be late for work, because if I stop trying to help in order to leave to get to work, then I'm apparently demonstrating that I don't care about what happens to him.

He's also extremely sensitive to how I go about saying and doing things, and whether or not I'm saying things nicely. If I don't say something nicely enough, if any exasperation or upset comes through in my voice, then he'll get upset that I don't care about how I affect him, and then we'll argue. He'll then be too upset to try to get any work done, and expect me to 'fix it', since I was the one who caused the problem in the first place.

Am I just "not getting it"? Am I being insensitive to what it's like to have ADD? It's true that I don't really know what it's like, of course, but... Which one of us is being unreasonable?

Wow...please don't take offense to this, but...your husband needs a reality check! Holy crap, Mouse (and btw...welcome :) )

IMHO your husband has taken being unreasonable and utterly dependent on you to a whole new level!

Was he a "Momma's Boy" before you married? When did he get like this?

Does he work at all? Does he have ANY responsibility AT ALL?

Sorry if my incredulity has gotten the better of me...but....Wow.

Big has said much of what I was thinking and I will give you a term that I myself have learned from the help and support of the forums.

The term is "Learned Helplessness"

I myself dont think I suffer from it myself as I am reasonbly able to acomplish everything

(but I am first to admit a lot of it is becuse my wife does take care of many details that I dont do very well as they are boring details)

but I do see it in "My Son" and we are slowly working on it.

Maybee doing a serch on the term will give you some insight into the problems that arise due to it

My 2 Canadian cents worth

Oh darlin. Youve got quite a load going on there. breaks my heart. I have learned something with alot of help from my friends, that helping isnt helping if it harms us. In other words, I can do something that will aid someone so long as I am not harmed in doing it. Staying up late is his issue, not yours, a gentle reminder to go to bed when his alarm sounds (what ever you use as an alarm) should be all you need to do before you head to bed. You are obviously a loving understanding spouse, but we have to learn the difference between helping and enabling. The balance of loving while letting go is so hard to strike but before you get a resentment that turns you into someone you arent, you need to start putting your physical needs on top. Without them, you can not be of any help to him, anyway. I also strongly suggest a coach for him or therapist / councelor. it takes you out of the mamma role and allows you back into the wife role. He is blessed to have someone so slow to anger and full of patience and respect for him. Many hugs to you and I hope we hear morefrom you here, we need to keep hearing the balanced spouses voice.

I wouldn't say you are being insenstive but it seems like each of you is one opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to communicating.

It's not fair to either of you that you have taken on the role of a care giver. You are in a no win situation. He needs support but the emtiontional issues really get in the way of things.


It sounds like your husband could really benefit from a coach. Even if it's not a professional coach having somebody who is removed from the situation emotionally could be very helpful.

Many thanks to everyone for your comments. They help...

My husband *has* tried a coach for quite a while, one knowledgeable about ADD. It just didn't help much. He'd get fired up for the rest of the day after a meeting, and get lots done, but it wouldn't last much longer than that.

I know that I'm equally responsible for the situation, since I don't stick up for myself and put my foot down. But I really find it difficult - I feel like I'm 'abandoning' him in his time of need.

Other people have voiced sentiments similar to all of yours, but they're not that knowledgeable about ADD, and about the extra help and support that someone with ADD needs. That's why I was hoping for some feedback from other people who *do* know about what's reasonable and what's not.

Even the articles I read about it talk all about how the spouse can help by doing this, and doing that. But how do you know where to draw the line? If it's reasonable to write lists for him, and post notes for him, and remind him about appointments, why is it not reasonable to help him get to bed at a reasonable time? (for example...)

<sigh>
Just ranting, I guess, and looking for a bit of a reality check from others that know something about ADD.

Thanks again for the support!

--
mouse

Well for one, writing lists does not keep you from getting adequate sleep :)

Welcome mouse!! I am an ADD husband and know that I have been insensitive on some things. You can read my posts which are quite lengthy and go into detail. What your husband is doing sounds very controling. We may need help in some areas, but we should be able to at least make up for that in other areas. Asking you to stay up till he feels like going to be is not a reasonable thing nor is it something you should have to do to help him with his ADD. I do not do this in my own relationship well yet, but I would start setting limits with him. Tell him I am going to bed at this time tonight, this week etc and you can join me if you want. My staying up late is causing me to not do my job well. Same with leaving in the AM. Good luck!

I think everybody's line is a bit different for what is an isn't reasonible.

I guess you need to ask yourself if the things you are doing interfer with your own happiness and productivity. Also, ask whether your way of helping is actually helpful for both of you.

Hi Mouse,

Many of the non-ADD spouses here can relate to your story.

In order to be able to discuss freely and even vent a little (or a lot) if you need to, I'd like to invite you to join the private forum for non-ADD spouses.

We're hoping to create an environment where we can share our stories and frustrations, offer each other support and offer help and advice.

If you're interested PM me directly (you'll see a link for private messaging at the bottome of my message).

Elizabeth

Mouse, I could not agree more with these people. You will destroy yourself trying to run his life and yours too! He needs to simplify his life, do it fast, and do it before he destroys yours. Then he needs to get a handle on himself and start learning the skills he needs. I would start with a full screening, if this has no already been done, to make sure he doesn't have some undetected co-morbid condition interfereing with med function. Then intensive behavior modification through CBT, coaching, and support groups. Then maybe some vocational counseling to see if what he is doing is really a good choice if field if he is having this much trouble keeping up with everything.

elizabethizme, I am going to suggest my wife get on your private forum if she hasn't already.

Being the ADD Significant Other (I'm not married to my sweetie) -

You said:
*Other people have voiced sentiments similar to all of yours, but they're not that knowledgeable about ADD, and about the extra help and support that someone with ADD needs. That's why I was hoping for some feedback from other people who *do* know about what's reasonable and what's not.*

Read that over very carefully - especially the "similar to all of yours" part.