Not only me but also many people cannot have a clear idea about addiction and substance abuse...<O:p</O:p
Though I know some information, I want to verify it with your voices...<O:p
Please help me...<O:p</O:p
Thanks.<O:p</O:p
-------------<O:p</O:p
Alex

Moderator note - spam hyperlink removed but post left in place so the thread will remain intact to facilitate membership's discussion.

what exactly would you like to know about it?

...Basically, your brain holds you hostage.
It threatens you to shut down, as well as your stomach, and body
if you don't give it what it wants.
......what it wants is the drug that re wired it.

I have about 45,000 posts on it from all the addiction recovery websites
I frequent.
.....including the one I built myself.

I wrote a book on it, seriously.
.....if i was'nt so ADHD maybe I could publish it.

If you need help, please write me privately and I'll hook you up.
.....if you just have some questions.



what are they?


My problem was /is meth
........drug addiction is like diseases, they are treated differently.
I don't like booze, or herion.
......but, it's like the difference in AIDS and cancer

they will all kill you, but are treated differently.

click on the "HTTP://" to watch the video.



http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6222772747732036645&q=meth+love+video&ei=jp18SJHvF4WyrgK0xLDuAQ&hl=en

~ YOU HAVE CHOSEN METH ~

this is your job description as "disciple of meth"
you will be a missionary touring poverty, death,bending decaying minds, rotting, insanity, violence, perversions beyond your power to understand, that will steal your soul away and leave you as hollow inside as a meth mobile, just a brainless bottom feeder going around yearing, needing, desiring METH baybee!
running on meth, and stopping, spuddering and choking, dying...with out it.

You will spend all your time wanting, and hoping to get METH.
....You won't get a home,it's cool, it's not important,
neither are relationships, dreams, education, career, relaxing, dopamine, nothing else will be within your reach.
......besides meth!....and getting some more!

as long as you got meth, that's all you gotta worry about.
What your personal limitations are will decide how willing you are to get METH!
REMEMBER you get METH ONLY!!! NOTHING ELSE!


You will get plenty of it, so HAVE FUN!
....go fast!

Do one for me!

......crunch into a shard for me!.. yummy! you shake, freeze up, get a whiskey face, and shiver all over to the tips of your nipples, and clench your teeth and jaw.

I fukin'LOVE/ED speed so much.
............It was the LOVE of my LIFE!

........I LOVED the taste of it!

I've fukin' eaten it off floors!
....bathroom floors!

I usta eat it, snort it and smoke it!

........a couple of times... when my connection changed batches, sometimes it was stronger than I thought,
I ate too much, and had to puke,
...... VOMITED in a cup, saved it, and drank it later!


you can't say I'm not loyal to my drug.
...I loved it, and i did anything for it,
I did'nt fuk for it, and I considered it very carefully, over quitting. ....but I chose my soul.
....belive me I sold EVERYTHING else...or LOST it!
I hocked, pawned, sold, stole, lied, borrowed, begged, bartered, got fronts ....

LAID down my WHOLE LIFE!
to honor it.

I gave it my all.
.............and it never did anything for me, but make me retarded.

....I can't even use the experiance to keep you from being another victim of a dirty trick.

........just so you know.

you can't beat the clock.



"Look out you rock n' rollers!
........pretty soon now you gonna get older!"

-----bowie




I'm not telling you to quit!
.....be the best drug addict you can be! see rock bottom!


I'm just saying with out trying to sway you in either direction.


you can have ANYTHING YOU WANT.

...just not EVERYTHING.

you must choose what you will spend you time on in this life.....and you only have so much availible time.


like,

... imagine we are in a big supermarket (life).
and you have a certain amount of money to spend there (Time)

......you have to pick something you really want,
because that's what you'll spend all your time on.
.....you could learn to be an interior decoratar, or photographer,or a speed freak.

speed freak is real.

you learn alot in your choosen field about survival, trust,
psychosis, whelps, fever blisters...

the

it's like a perk you get for being retarded, you get this
overwhelming feeling of well being that breaks when the speed runs out.

obviously when the spell is lifted and you are on a dung heap..
.....you go back to the dealer and turn your dung heap to gold again.


you think it spins straw into gold.
....but then, it's only you, who could see the straw was gold when it's all over.
.....and it never was.




The sad thing is how much you LOVE it.
....it's your best friend, it cures loneliness, gives you strenghth and confidence, viverent energy, ideas, and beauty at first.

you love it, and it loves you and you will always have crystal to hold you when things get bad.

I remember thinking flat out, I'll go see my best friend.

and while you are loving it, it is robbing you.
.....it takes all your money, strength, natural ability to feel joy, you, what you stand for, and belive in to your core...
...you throw it all away and put all your faith in whats good and true to YOU.
like following manson...

"charlie is jesus" ....yeah right.

...but its deep. even charles manson's momma still thinks he was framed.

....we defend, protect, cover, and are extremely loyal.

we jumps thru hoops like trick poodles and smile back at it
....it says...
you gotta do more.

it's the most hardcore brainwashing, scam, lie, hoax, slap in the face betrayal there is.

we stay with it for YEARS.
....we build our life around it.

we love it, we're married to it.
it's like we are in this group that was screwed over by the same con artist.
...and the mothers whose chidren fell into a cult.
like jim jones.

it whispers the same promise in all of our ears and falls short.

it gives us an edge on the world.
....but soon the entire universe has the edge on you.

and speed laughs in your face and says...

you poor fool.


I feel like my best friend threw me out of the car I picked it up in.
.....and I just woke up beaten, and alone on the highway


PLEASE STOP!...it's a trap!


Every single time you do speed, you are paying for it in natural well being.

I wanna die
...I wish it killed me.

one more run for me? I might get the guts to pull that trigger.

you are ruining your life, I did it already.
.....please don't do it too.


....If you're there, you are'nt here.

when you get here, you'll see what I mean and it'll be to late.

when you've seen the things meth has to show you.
....you won't belong in the "normal" world.

then come see me.

The thrilling ride you are on....
....we took it too!

...but it's dark, and you are unable to see what's really happining,to you.

you are in a bucket on the way to a hell, you can't imagine.
....you will lose everything you ever cared about,
you'll become self absorbed, greedy and secretive,psychotic,paraniod, scattered, sketchy, obbsessive-compulsive, repetative behaivior, it will captivate you and blind you while....

.............the new personality bores a place in your brain and starts to rot it out...
how far you decide to fall will determine the extent of your damage.
......if you stop now,
(and we know you won't,.... and furthermore we'll know the outcome before you ever guess what hit you)
when you finally are unable to support your habit, you'll be faced with selling your soul or not.
...you'll either have sex for it.
or quit.
you'll never be right again...you ability to recieve pleasure naturally, your ability to feel joy....will be
lessened.
it gets your dopamine.
....the demon eats it all, and lives in your head instead.

........the demon will never go away.

I have a bad demon tied to a chair in the rotten part of my brain that stays forever.
that demon, is greedy, self absorbed, sketchy, unable to hold a job.

none of those things are me.


this drug is like a lover you are completely in love with,
deeply and you belive it loves you.

it will betry you...
while the important people in your life beg you to leave,
you can't see how bad he's fuking you.
it lies, it steals, it makes your loved ones stand by helplessly as they watch you rot to death and go insane.


METH DESTROYED OUR ABILITY TO ENJOY LIFE AT REGULAR SPEED.

WE DON'T FEEL GOOD WHEN WE DO IT ANYMORE!

WE DON'T FEEL GOOD WHEN WE DON'T!

WE MISSED SO MANY EVENTS OF OUR LIVES AND LET A TWEAKER
REPRESENT US! ....SOON PSYCHOTIC TWEAKER!

IT WILL HAPPEN!

METH DOES'NT LOVE YOU ANYMORE THAN IT LOVED US!

IT LIED! IT SAID IT LOVED US TOO!

IT WAS MY BEST FRIEND ...and now I look like I lost my best friend.



__________________________________________________ _________________

Q n A from loved ones

are they talking about withdrawal as something physical or is withdrawal also, like a mental state too???

YES


Does this mean that since my ex is sitting in prison, possibly still going through whatever withdrawal he may be going through, that he may get the ***** out of his system and may be thinking more clearly and come to his senses about his meth use, a year from now??? - I know, it's wishful thinking.

Yes, it's possible.
....it's also possible he'll hit the ground running for it.



Has anyone had an addict that has obstained from meth usage for many months, close to a year, get their thinking straight and come to their senses?

yes, I did that the 1st time. I had only been using 5 years....from 17 to 22 years old.
I was young.
...I bounced right back.
....the second time I burned up more well being (dopamine)
and was just bearly functional but, certainly depressed.
...for 6 years, I felt like I waited to breathe.
like I had a collar with a chain...I wanted to break free of...but just did'nt.
.....I bounced back at 31 in about 2 months...somewhat.

I saw a shrink.
...I found I have a mental disorder. ADHD, and meds helped.
moved, relapsed w/o a dr.

the next time I relapsed more of my will to live w/o meth
....more of my natural well being, and natural joy was gone.

it took me 8 months, no, 12 months to stabalize.


Do you think that meth damages their brain and makes it impossible for some heavy users to ever think clearly again?

yes.
...sort of.

I think clearly, my brain would reward me for feeding it speed.

....but speed will take the rest of me..and I'll die sooner
or later.

part of me is already dead.

it's bad.


Q n A from addicts

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You see maybe I dont feel as passionate about my "love" for this shyt... But I do love it nonetheless.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



you will...in time, it'll be all that matters.
I'm 42 years old...when I was your age...I felt the same way
.....if you don't love it....quit.

saying you don't...
.........that's denial. it's the drug covering your eyes.
making you think "everything is ok".



Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And honestly I cannot wait for the day to be able to stare it down in the face with pure hatred and disgust
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




ME NEITHER!
...I wish to God I did'nt want a rail right now.


Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am by no means a weak woman and usually pride myself in my ability to stand up to others and defend myself and the ones I love.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




all that will change.
......you'll see.... I'm trying to save you, not kill you.

I used to be strong....
.........then I used to be strong.
..now ....all I can do is help,you, to help me.



Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So As outraged as you feel....as strong as you come on,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



it's just the cold hard facts.
.....that's just the truth, as I know it....no more no less.

I'm not outraged...
......I'm a little put off that you think I am.

I actually CARE very much about ANOTHER LIFE being ruined.

*is sad*
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just wanted to say that I admire you,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



why?
........I'm a METH ADDICT.
it's all I ever was! ...and all I know anything about.

I can't even use what I learned to help you.
...please don't admire me.

I'm burned down.








Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
and wish that I would just stop playing stupid weak and cowardly to this entity that has control of my life, That I still defend against the ones who truly love me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




you said it.

...and I love you, you are me....we are the same.

and you defended something, to me, that I KNOW is guilty.

...I got a howling demon living in my head...
that is like a sleeping baby I try not to wake up.

.....It fuked me up.

it's a fact.



Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I know someday it will come to me... someday I'll be able to not just walk away but turn around face it and walk past it without a second thought
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I know...... it will NEVER come to me.

.......I will want it till I die.
I had to move to a place where I can't get to it..

.....not by open choice.
because i was wondering the streets of vegas...homeless
with no job, strung out...
....and this is where my parents live.

I can't be where I can get to it.
......I'm a REAL honest to god speedfreak.


if there was a line across the room, I'd not be here talking
to you...
....and if I could make it?

I'd be dead, and the whole town would be strung out.


Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well gtg.....ttyl
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



my get up and go.... got up and went.
.........I'll be here when you come back.

I'm on your side.
.....not against you....I'm trying to describe how
I let a piece of shyt take over my mind.


have fun while you can.

the darkside is always there, looming..
................. try and enjoy the daylight.
when you "become"
.....it won't be fun anymore.

nothing will.



Re: Will I ever just stop like I pretend to want to??
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My dear fiend
...it's really disturbing me, that you think I'm outraged at YOU.

.............Do you know when I wrote that post?

feb 12th 2006
............you know why?

Because, I've said it so many times in so many ways,
.....that people doing speed just passover.

I poured my heart out to each and every new person, for a year...I saved my posts on my website. (you are welcome btw)

.....then I compliled my most relevant points..to make that post for people still using.

and I copied and pasted it to almost every one that comes here high.

it's called "for meth addicts in active addiction"

........it gets old when you say the same thing over and over and put all your deepest intermost thoughts out there.
...and no one reads it.

or, they read it and don't belive it.

.....so to be MORE REMOVED.

so it DOES NOT HURT anymore...
...............when people don't hear me.

I copied and pasted the same shyt I tell everyone that can't see...

some see the truth in it..
....some don't.

no one told me...

the meaning of life is:

............He who needs NOTHING ...WINS!

the less you NEED, the more you have.

......the important things in life are not things...

who is richest?

a rich man who can do all the drugs he wants?



.....or the poor man who does'nt want ANYTHING...and is happy everyday, with air, water, love, and sunshine?

if you don't NEED anything, money ain't that important, if you are rich, you are poor when a "thing" controls you..

eddie van halen will tell ya...




whitney houston





nick nolte ---ha ha ha! sorry



and many other "rich" drug addicts

.....I'm not outraged at you, but, I AM passionate about everything I do...
....other wise I put it off.

and I do care about you enough to tell you.

but i had my doubts you'd really absorb what i had to say.

.....suzette can't read. (my speed self)
she skims.............and predicts what it says.


I anticipate every active speedfreak I post it to to ignore it...
...but i damn sure try to get your attention.

that's all.

....I wish you the best.

I hope it works for you...
......it's about time crystal settled down and stayed with someone and tried to help.

I hope it's you.

...I doubt it.

so, I hope you "get it" before your youth blurs by you,
and the mental disorders descend opon your reality.



all my best, and well wishes...

suzie

I noticed my circulation going wrong. blood pressure once was 175 over 95 so I got blood pressure pills and continued
use, I knew it was killing me but I loved it sooo much and kept going.

my hands started looking old first, then, I noticed my skin hanging from dehydration and rapid weight loss,
I had dark circles under my eyes,
my skin looked bad.
I went threw alot of phases with side effects and meth.
first fever blisters, then my voice would go away, hives,
bruising easily,translucent,motor cortex retardation,cutting my hair like rod stewarts eveytime, (thats one way my friends knew it every time,... my hair!) malnutrition, dehydration, dreams of paralysis I could'nt wake up from .
..freaky.
then the breaker box effect, like if you flipped one off and back on...I'd mentally fall into a shutting down thing
then click back on before I passed out...wide awake.

I got "spinning energy " what I called it anyway.....
If you look into a bright light then close your eyes you get an impression of the light...
...burning sort of right?
well spin that, like spinning light.
then add being awake, and seeing it when I would stare at a
person or wall...
I could see thru it, at least it was clear, but this went on for a month while I was recovering once.
I looked older because of , dehydration, lack of sleep,
malnutrition.
A great description is people in Nazi concentration camps.
I could wear make up, but my body, mind and complexion were
not good.

I stopped several times, this last time I lost everything,
I wished I was in a padded cell so I would not have to look for anything else that day.
I am ADHD and it multiplied.
I couldn't pay attention to my own thoughts, I couldn't find anything lost credit cards,my phone book I had 20 years, my family photos, and my parents baby pics.

.................how did I quit doing it?

I went insane and lost the ability
to hold a job to buy more, or a place to live and I was facing some horrible alternatives, but the demon howled anyway.
I still went home instead of having sex with someone for money.....
I just COULD"NT DO IT...
It was all I had left to sell,at least I feel like I still have my soul...
.......but I definintly lost everything else.

then when I came down I was so depressed, and felt like
dying, just numb,I can't live without it I thought,
I wanted to die using cause I could'nt live without it.

~ YOU HAVE CHOSEN METH ~

It seems like it chose me/ /But it felt like I was still in control....
l l
l l
l l
l l
l l
l l
l l
l l
l l
l l
l l
l l
l l
l l
l l
l l
l l
l l
l l
Oh please, you better cut me one bigger than that.

this is your job description as "disciple of meth"

The pay sucks, but the bennies are out of this world...
Like, I benn pulling my hair out while waiting 4 the delivery,
I benn eating the plastic baggie from the last batch,
Like I benn up for 4 days and haven't had a shower in 5,
Like I benn without food for three,
Like I benn jonesin' for another line but don't have anything left to pawn.


Don't leave your purse unattended, kay? ;)

as long as you got meth, that's all you gotta worry about.

Oh yeah, that's better....

Do one for me!

One 4 you... 100 for me...

...yummy! you shake, freeze up, get a whiskey face, and shiver all over to the tips of your nipples, and clench your teeth and jaw.

Like a brain freeze without the Slurpee... or the happiness

I've fukin' eaten it off floors!
....bathroom floors!

tongue mopping the floors behind the toilet bowl... Ur-ine ammonia hell...

you can have ANYTHING YOU WANT.

...just not EVERYTHING.

Amen Sista!


you must choose what you will spend you time on in this life.....and ou only have so much availible time.

86,400 seconds in a day.... Everyone one of them precious stones, waiting to be polished.


The sad thing is how much you LOVE it.
....it's your best friend, it cures loneliness, gives you strenghth and confidence, viverent energy, ideas, and beauty at first.

I can still smell it.

It‘s like a dead relative.
Tapping me on the shoulder and whispering in my ear.
My head turns to the direction of the deceased,
And my spine crackles and turns to ice.



you poor fool.

But Suzanne is rich in compassion, and understanding, and hope....

She's trying to help....

I'm different.

I have no pity.

You have want your life more than I do.

I don't think this person is an addict G.
....this was just "my" job description as a meth addict.

I also feel it was my destiny to care.

Oh, okay, Suz.

I guess I jumped the gun....

Euphoric recall is a bi*ch. Had to stomp that bugger down.

Don't do drugs.

Just say no.

Ya know?

I react to addicts the way I do/did with me...

much of the time, anyway.

I get angry. I wanna shake 'em and yell

"wake the fu** up!"

But tough love doesn't work.

And neither does unconditional love.

Everybody has a different bottom (not the shakey one)

Once they hit it they can actually bounce back up.

I'm proof of it, so is Suzie.

So my wish for every suffering addict is to get to their bottom as soon as they can, Big Guy in the sky willing, safely. That way they can bounce back up.

I never realized you were a meth addict.
.....is it coke or meth that got you?

not that it really matters, Im just glad we both made it out.
.....at least i got to meet you, and help some other people quit.

other than that, on my best day i wish i was dead.

Don't do drugs.

Just say no.

Ya know?

yeah, I know....
......if I'm nothing else, I'm a master of distraction, and shock value.

so, people I try to save, can ACCIDENTLY get the message.
...I try to trick them into "getting it"

......kinda like stephen king.

every book he wrote was about addiction.

......they are full of subliminal messages.

and he calls it "horror"

I never realized you were a meth addict.
.....is it coke or meth that got you?


Started with coke, but meth was way better/worse.....

You'd never know it, heh?

Most people didn't even then...

I functioned, kept a job, thought I looked good after dropping 50 pounds.

"It's just stress." I'd say.

That was partially true.

I was functional 20 years..
.....I'm ADHD...I could sleep on it.
I snorted it in the 1st 5 years. ate it for 15 years,

smoking it is what really got me, in only 18 short months.

I'd say .... "I dunno"

LMAO!

.....lost 50 lbs, how?

I DON'T KNOW.

I was functional 20 years..
smoking it is what really got me, in only 18 short months.

That'll do it. I never got there.

I was always wanting to feel good/normal for as long as possible....

I wasn't looking for a rush.

Just looking for normal.

I'd say .... "I dunno"

LMAO!

.....lost 50 lbs, how?

I DON'T KNOW.

"Uh, I just woke up and it was gone!" http://www.addforums.com/forums/picture.php?albumid=232&pictureid=1828

I wasn't looking for a rush.

Just looking for normal.


we're twins *hugs*

I'm good with the *hugs (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=54771)* :D

"Uh, I just woke up and it was gone!" http://www.addforums.com/forums/picture.php?albumid=232&pictureid=1828




they looked at me like...
...I think you might be dying of cancer suzie. :rolleyes:

Ain't we lucky we got 'em.....

"Good Times!" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EU4osDNIDIk)

From what I get from my husband talking about his alcoholism (and others he associates with in AA) addiction and alcoholism make it where you just can't not keep doing whatever substance it is.

A lot of it (it seems to me) is self-medication, from ADD, depression, child sexual abuse, child abuse. My husband learned from both of his parents that this was the way you dealt with problems.

Don't think I'm excusing his behavior during that time, I just understand it better now. Those many, many years were not fun times, but life is better now, not perfect but better. He's made amends for many things in the last 3 1/2 years of sobriety.

Don't think I'm excusing his behavior during that time, I just understand it better now. Those many, many years were not fun times, but life is better now, not perfect but better. He's made amends for many things in the last 3 1/2 years of sobriety.

I started with alcohol, and it was always present... speed was icing on the cake. I was dually dependent.. the speed to get me going in the morning... the alcohol to bring me back down.... I talked about it a little here (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=53213&highlight=grafter+dave). Ironically, I didn't want to drink on meth...until it would run out.

a vicious cycle, and one I drug those closest to me through as well.

Congrats to your hubby... and you. It's hard work, but worth it...

I'm coming up on 4 years myself.:)

curseandablessi~
.....CONGRATS on your progress as a loved one of an addict.

I know you feel more shame than we do, in active addiction, and that sucks.

I never loved any other drug but speed.
.........I would'nt drink ANYTHING for a week, much less booze.
I'd just forget..........weird.

....my 3 years clean day, was gay pride day.
LOL! ......june 27.

It is my humble request to you that you should read daily new paper and you will find there many solutions of this problem........

Addiction Recovery Rhode Island (http://www.addictionrecovery.net/rhode-island)

You have got to be kidding.

I hope someone was able to benefit from the thread.

But to suddenly realize that the OP was just a sneaky spammer sucks ***.

Even worse than that, the site being linked to could potentially be useful.

But looking through it it appears it's referral based and money driven.

Quit preying on people that could truly use help. You should be ashamed of yourselves... taking advantage of people when they are down.

Go away.

I was thinking that myself.

....Gesus! (stolen from grafter)

Hey Suzanne, what's up with the verbal diarrhea. Don't you realize you're on an ADD board. Even if I had the time I couldn't wade through that crap you posted about your meth problems. Also interested to see your addiction was meth. You were a bit righteous sounding when you entered into a post about ghb a while back.

"I have no idea wtf this discussion is about, it sounds cheap and taudry like sniffing glue or rush, nitrus oxide from a whip cream can, or amil nitrate."