My boyfriend has ADHD and we have been dating for about a year. There are times where he drives me CRAZY and ****es me off to no end. Lots of times he seems totally self centered and whatever I may have an interest in or things I might want to do, does not matter at all if he does not have an interest in. I feel like I put more of an effort into things he likes but he wont do the same for me. Another thing he does that makes me mad is if I want to go do something he will most likely say "no". BUT if our friends (that he lives with) want to do the same thing I said, he is all for it. He tells me he just needs more people around and more stimulation but I cant understand why he just can't be happy doing things alone with me once in a while? Sometimes he gets into weird funks where he gets antisocial and does not want to deal with anything, there is virtually nothing I can do to make him feel better, and it wears on me because it makes me think he is always questioning our relationship.
I dont know if this is the ADHD or if he is just self centered but this is what happens on a regular basis and i need advice! :confused:

It sounds like hes the sort of person I was when i was 20-30+, well not identical obviously, but as anoying, i was self centered and inconisderate, but always after I would realise, but then its to late, and i never got round to making amends.

I blame it on ADHD to a big extent, but I think im a heck of lot nicer person now im 46, its sometimes the only way to learn is through painful experience and later reflection.

but if I hadnt had ADHD things would of been very diferent, I dont know If I would of leanred to be such a nicer person as i think I am now, compared to before that is.

You should both have open communication. My boyfriend is severely ADHD and he needs a lot of people around and stimulation as well, but when I ask him if we can have some time alone he is almost always more than happy to comply. He knows that my needs are different from his and I know the same applies to him. If your boyfriend absolutely refuses to take your feelings and needs into consideration then he has a problem that, I believe, goes beyond ADHD.

thanks guys for your help, he is also very indecisive, and HATES watching movies because he has to sit in the same place for a long time. I know this is from ADHD but it does put a strain on our relationship. It feels like our interests conflict a lot from this.. im not sure what to do about it...

Well, is he in treatment of any kind? It sounds like he might need to learn some coping mechanisms.

yeah making decisions is hard for me too, especialy shoping, and sitting through movies too.

although its fine if its a sci fi film thats realy good, but trying to find a film he likes enought to sit through and you enjoy too might be hard.

but you could focus on what you can do where you get the most out of each others company. id avoid going shoping with someone with adhd like the plague.

you might find new things to do, such as some of the many games, but bear in mind if somethings fun enought to do to start with sometimes its hard for someone with ADHD to stop playing untill their bored sick of it. wich might be a few hours or a few years ...

STOP right now! I am in a relationship with the exact same man! my b/f is the EXACT same as yours, and I am not overexaggerating, EVERY single statement you said in your first post applies to him and he is also ADD. I like to play something, he won't play unless he's good at it and he sure won't play if I can beat him, it could be my favorite game and your darn right that it doesnt matter how much I care about it he won't do it, but you can bet if John Doe calls and wants to play the exact same game he jumps up immediately and is ready to go! I can't count the number of times I've been told that its not that he isn't enjoying himself where we are its just that he's with me and he can't enjoy ANYTHING with me! But you take him and one of his buddies to the same place and he has the time of his life! It is one of the most frustrating things I deal with, I mean how can he love me the most and treat me the worst?

You should both have open communication. My boyfriend is severely ADHD and he needs a lot of people around and stimulation as well, but when I ask him if we can have some time alone he is almost always more than happy to comply. He knows that my needs are different from his and I know the same applies to him. If your boyfriend absolutely refuses to take your feelings and needs into consideration then he has a problem that, I believe, goes beyond ADHD.

BINGO! I think this bares repeating - so I repeated it

ADD is not an excuse to be abusive, neglectful or inconsiderate Seeing that many neurotypical people have some of the same traits. these behaviors are not indicitive of ADD

Some people are asshats and other people are asshats with ADD. . .. but ADD people come in nice people too.

ADD is the inability to consciously control the direction of focus nor can we control the length of our attention span due to a crappy stimuli filtering system. We can't ignore some stimuli to pay attention to other stimuli by willing our selves to. How our lack of selective attention effects us is as individual as there are individuals who have ADD.

These things sound like ADD + behavior not necessarily ADD behavior.

I read a post on the forum from a guy stating that he goes home and stays tuned off from his home life by being on the computer or drowning himself in his i-pod, but the enlightening part was the statement he made referring to why he was this way at home, but at work or social activities that did not involve his family he was much more outgoing and likeable, his explanation was that people with ADD have a hard time opening up to anyone and that his wife and kids were who he felt comfortable with so they were getting the REAL him and the people at work and other places were getting the overcompensating uncomfortable him. This made much sense to me, just thought it would help you to understand as it helped me. If I find the post I will refer you to it.

ADHD or not, it's time to re-consider this relationship.

The point isn't whether he has ADHD/depression/bi-polar etc. You said it yourself, you're putting more into this relationship than he is. That ought to be more than enough for you to consider going your seperate ways.

Your description of him doesn't sound like an individual who is interested in managing their symptoms for the sake of the relationship. And even if he really did want to put in the effort, depending on how long he's known about his ADHD, he may not be a good candidate for a relationship. Not with you, not with anyone. It takes time to develop a routine where day to day activites don't overwhelm you. Never mind all of the emotional issues that having ADHD brings.

You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally healthy and mature. That way they can be available to put in their contribution into making a relationship work.

Best of luck.

I dont know if this is the ADHD or if he is just self centered but this is what happens on a regular basis and i need advice! :confused:

ADHD or not, you need to sit down and think if you're happy in this relationship (doesn't sound like you are).

Does it matter if it's ADHD or not? Will you only stay if it's ADHD? It shouldn't matter: if you're not happy with the way things are then talk to your boyfriend, but accept the fact that he may not want to improve or the fact that you two make simply not be suited to each other.

I disagree with some of this notions that are being stated to you about leaving your boyfriend. Was your relationship good in the beginning? I think you should work toward having him take medication and then after a few months of him on meds then reevauluate your situation.

I disagree with some of this notions that are being stated to you about leaving your boyfriend. Was your relationship good in the beginning? I think you should work toward having him take medication and then after a few months of him on meds then reevauluate your situation.

I wasn't advocating that she break up with her boyfriend, rather I was suggesting that she critically evaluate the relationship.

Also, the decision for the BF to take medication should be his choice alone; she shouldn't force or coerce him to take the medication against his will, otherwise he may grow resentful and feel out of control.

She should sit down with the boyfriend and let him know how she feels and let him know there is a problem(s) in the relationship. It's up to him to step up and work together and solve the problems. If he is unwilling to step up and solve the problem, then she needs to seriously consider wether she's happy to continue in the relationship as is.

as far as what I have gathered about ADD the symptoms of ADD themselves are what wars against someone with ADD getting treatment, I dont thinking pushing is right, but encouragement can do wonders. I know it worked for me and my bf. Some people with ADD cannot realize how bad it is untill they have a comparison of what they are like with treatment. I experience the same idea here at my job, people with sleep problems who have had them for a long time learn to deal with them and then it becomes a reality that this is just the way they are, but fix their sleep problems and then you have given them a comparison and they are like, "your right I never knew what real sleep was and this is why I didn't think I had a problem."

Why are you continuing a relationship that is an obvious mismatch? You should feel fulfilled, cared for, loved, respected and happy in a relationship, easily and naturally, MOST if NOT ALL of the time. If you don't, then it is like putting a square peg in a round hole.

Ah **** it. Dump him. He's got ADD: he's damaged goods.

Hi, hon. Nice to see you. Have a seat. How do you take your tea? Have a cookie. Let's talk.

You deserve better. And even if you didn't deserve it, you NEED better. He's a "boyfriend". THIS is the time to set yourself free of him. Don't invest yourself further. He has a lot of work to do on himself. YOu are not doing him a good turn by trying to stick with him through this, when he's doing so little to show you love.

And ask yourself why you want him when he gives you so little. You don't want to keep doing this over and over.

My boyfriend has ADHD and we have been dating for about a year. There are times where he drives me CRAZY and ****es me off to no end. Lots of times he seems totally self centered and whatever I may have an interest in or things I might want to do, does not matter at all if he does not have an interest in. I feel like I put more of an effort into things he likes but he wont do the same for me. Another thing he does that makes me mad is if I want to go do something he will most likely say "no". BUT if our friends (that he lives with) want to do the same thing I said, he is all for it. He tells me he just needs more people around and more stimulation but I cant understand why he just can't be happy doing things alone with me once in a while? Sometimes he gets into weird funks where he gets antisocial and does not want to deal with anything, there is virtually nothing I can do to make him feel better, and it wears on me because it makes me think he is always questioning our relationship.
I dont know if this is the ADHD or if he is just self centered but this is what happens on a regular basis and i need advice! :confused:

Only a few things you said have to do with the ADD, most of it is just him (or guys).

Maybe he just doesn't like going to the pottery barn, and would rather do pretty much anything else.

Some people like doing things in large groups, some people appreciate 1 on 1 time more. Me for example, I prefer 1 on 1.

He is what he is, ADD or not.

Hi, hon. Nice to see you. Have a seat. How do you take your tea? Have a cookie. Let's talk.

You deserve better. And even if you didn't deserve it, you NEED better. He's a "boyfriend". THIS is the time to set yourself free of him. Don't invest yourself further. He has a lot of work to do on himself. YOu are not doing him a good turn by trying to stick with him through this, when he's doing so little to show you love.

And ask yourself why you want him when he gives you so little. You don't want to keep doing this over and over.


You go girl. Respect yoself. :) ahh, I'm a guy, you know I have to be a smart *** after reading that.