i've realised that i'm way too negative and still stuck in the past.
I can't get professional therapy because of language barriers in a foreign country but am realising that judging from my inability to conceptualise myself as an individual distinct from disorders and problems, that i probably need some extra help in getting my life back.

i was wondering if anyone can teach me, either any of the ways they learned themselves to deal with life, or any lessons on reversing negative thought patterns u learned with ur therapist etc.

issues i really need to focus on


learning how to forget the past and disassociate it from the present



learning new ways of thinking positively- finding things exciting, having faith that the future will work itself out, stopping depression in its tracks, how to 'let go' and be thick-skinned (not let ppl get to me)
skills in coping with everyday life and boredom- considering i dont have a job (but will in october start a home-course)and have little money, how can i structure my day and retrain my brain to find constructive things to do? what fun things do u put in ur day? what creative pursuits do u enjoy? i know i used to love art but i don't have the patience anymore- although once in a blue moon i do find inspiration.
being confident and building self-esteem- being able to believe in yourself- *please give me any tips for this one esp*
how to judge ppl (ive always been naive and it has got me in alot of trouble) i want to know what u look for when trusting someone, and how to stop nervous talking resulting in being an open book which u deperately want to erase. I always talk constantly when im nervous. any advice on how to hold bak will be much appreciated.

thanks
ally:)

Ally,

What we believe about ourselves is the result of our own internal dialogue. In order to improve the quality of our life we must improve the quality of our thoughts. Begin by refusing to put yourself down in any way. I found creating a list of short positive statements and repeating them to myself a few times every day helped to cultivate a more positive attitude. Setting realistic boundaries for myself helped also. I stopped trying to please other people and discovered that by pleasing myself I was more willing to help others. The most important thing to remember is that no one has all the answers and the only one who can help you is you.

Ally, I have some links to something I posted about in a different section, here. (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=54714)

I hope this helps :)

About two months b4 my official diagnosis, I attempted to live within my ADD's limitations and gifts. I read a few books, but the couple of things that helped me the most were to:

make a list of 5 things you would like to do everyday.

using a timer for things, cooking, how long to stay in the shower, how long to clean

Music and reading (have trouble concentrating on the words, find something you like with a bunch of pictures in it)

Get outside each day for at least 15 minutes, walking or just sitting in the sun for short periods can elevate your mood.

For negativity about life in general, or feeling self-pity, a gratitude list can help. Simply put a sheet of paper with the letters of the alphabet down one side A-Z, and you find one thing that begins with that letter that you are grateful for.

Start a journal, make an appointment with yourself to write in it for five minutes a day. Write whatever you want, doodle, vent, write poetry. Turn over your bad feelings to paper and ink. When it's full you can look through it and see progress you've made, or you can symbolically burn it.

If there is a positive statement that makes you feel better, type it up nicely with some clip art, print it out a few times, and post it around your house-bathroom mirror, kitchen fridge, by your bed. To prevent the boredom or the ignoring of it, make a point to look for another one to put up next month.

No money to entertain yourself, parks, beaches (do they have beaches in Turkey?), a walk around the block with a headset on, I won't say libraries since you're there and you mentioned a language barrier. Drinking some coffee while watching people walk by you in a cafe'.

That's all I can think of now. I'm off to bed now, I think.

Looks like you're pretty on top of it already. That list was quite impressive and comprehensive.

having faith I'd pay special attention to that. There is a PHAT spiritual component that therapist and psychology in general does not acknowledge.

May Peace Be Upon You.

or you can symbolically burn it.

OMG! Thats ******* hilarious. I totally did that to a journal i kept and used for work. Needless to say. I hated the job.

I have found it very helpful to learn about mindfulness meditation. It is a Buddhist idea, from what I understand, but it has nothing to do with religious belief. It has to do with accepting each moment in life as it comes.

The idea of this is not that you reject something by pushing it away, but that you accept it, and notice it. So, instead of saying "I must stop being nervous" you say "Wow. I have a funny feeling in my tummy, and my head is pounding. This means I am nervous." From there, you progress to "I wonder what made me nervous. Oh my. I have to go to work today, and I am worried about a project. This is what it feels like."

I am not doing a good job of describing it. However, when you know what signals you are nervous, or tired, or angry or happy, you can then remember that it is a moment that will pass, not something that will take you over. It helps me learn that I can find peace, and I try to then remember that place when I feel upset.

A great author on this subject is Jon Kabat-Zinn. I tried to search, but could not find out if he was translated into any other languages. I may not be searching properly, though. :o I have two of his books on CD, and listen to them a lot. If spoken word is better for you than written, please PM me and I will gladly talk to you about getting you a copy.

I also speak about things when I should not, and regret it afterwards. I have learned to focus on each word the person says, and I give myself a rule to not respond until I have counted to 10 slowly. Sometimes I have to literally bite my lip!

I learn best by repeating things. So, when trying to build my self-esteem, I did a lot of things CurseandaBlessi mentioned, and either did them over and over or read them over and over, or said them out loud over and over!

I practice rephrasing things and being objective. If I say to myself "I am stupid", I try to sit back and think about what exact thing makes me feel stupid. Then I rephrase it: "I cannot complete this task, and I do not like that." With practice, this helps a lot, in my opinion.

I also have thought a lot about something I learned a long time ago. I read it, and heard it, so I don't know when it clicked or why! But the message was: If people in your life who know you and love you, and whom you truly respect, tell you good things about you, then dismissing or denying their opinions does not make sense. If they are smart about everything else, why are they suddently wrong about you?

Conversely: If people who do not know you, or people who dislike you, or people whom you do not respect, tell you bad things about you, then accepting their negative comments means you deny the people you do respect, and THAT does not make sense. Did the person you love and respect suddenly become dumb because this person insulted you?

This has been very helpful to me when I am very down on myself or feel my self-esteem is so low I cannot pull myself up. So, when I have one person saying "You are so unable to do anything right, I have no faith in you", I stop and think of all the people who really love me who DO have faith in me, and the reasons why. Sometimes it means I can acept the negative person is wrong. Sometimes, it gives me the courage to say "I made a mistake. I want to learn how to do this better" because I know I can.

Ally, I want to thank you for starting this thread. I really hope you find things here that help you. You should also know that by brining up this subject, you are giving other people a chance to remind themselves of what helps them, and you are giving others a chance to learn things that may help them. Thank you!

Looks like you're pretty on top of it already. That list was quite impressive and comprehensive.

I'd pay special attention to that. There is a PHAT spiritual component that therapist and psychology in general does not acknowledge.

May Peace Be Upon You.
Good point, y00ch! Spirituality can be a very good source for self-esteem and learning, and it is not always brought up in therapy. (It does get brought up, but not always, and so it is good to keep in mind on your own.)

and so it is good to keep in mind on your own.)

Confused on this statement. Since this is a forum broadcasting to the world. Its hard to keep things, "to my own".

I dont think we should censure each other here. I accept all resolutions and threads here.

Ally,

There are so many good suggestions already! I'm sure you have good food for thought.
I have faced all of the same problems you are describing and I can honestly say that I have just NOW started to get over them.
For me, it took moving to a brand new place and getting away from all of the negative influences in my life. Not only did I put myself down, but my family put me down and that caused a vicious cycle of low self-esteem for me. Once I learned to respectfully distance myself from my parents and their opinions of me I started to feel a lot better and value myself more.
Don't put yourself down and don't let anyone else put you down. That is the best advice I have for you.

Confused on this statement. Since this is a forum broadcasting to the world. Its hard to keep things, "to my own".

I dont think we should censure each other here. I accept all resolutions and threads here.

I was not censuring, I was agreeing with you. Psychology and therapy does not always acknowledge a spiritual component, therefore it is a good thing to keep in mind "on your own", or independent of the theraputic reelationship, even if your therapist does not bring it up or refuses to talk about it, etc.

Sorry for any confusion, hope my explanation clarifies things. :)

Ally, I have some links to something I posted about in a different section, here. (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=54714)

I hope this helps :)

Thanks so much! that website is ace! just what i needed:)
its so true- i never looked at it that way - that u have to replace the bad with the good and those experiences will then stick in ur mind and turn around ur perspective on life, thereby improving your general outlook. And the site gives simple but effective methods- usually i think i have to fix my own self, but really that will only happen if i stop thinking of flaws and focus on happy things!

I really like the positive experience inventory that gives so many examples of ways to make u happy and appreciate life!

[quote=Bluerose;620692]Ally,

What we believe about ourselves is the result of our own internal dialogue.

I totally agree- the only reason ppl get to me so much is because i am insecure already - its like that eminem song 'i act like **** don't phase me, but inside it drives me crazy, my insecurities and paranoias could eat me alive.' I have always (since a child) put on this front that nothing hurts and i could control my mind to block out pain. Unfortunately as i got older i ended up not only not feeling pain but repressing my emotions and feelings till it snowballed and exploded. Until meds i used to beat myself up about everything (i named my different controllers in my mind: the punisher, the dominater and the victim). I seriously thought i was schitzophrenic till i realised it was just me being a complete **** to myself.

however even thought ive managed to nearly repress the negatives, my mind is now constantly on edge trying to fight them off. I really need to displace them with positive controllers lol.

i read in a book on depression 'try to please all and you shall please none'. and im starting to realise that the expectations i have myself were only damaging because i was so scared of failing and disappointing everyone that i never thought of how i was feeling because i was thinking of their feelings above mine. i wanna let loose and be carefree llike i used to be. its exhausting holding back all the time

[quote=curseandablessi;620768]
make a list of 5 things you would like to do everyday.

i am so gunna do that. i find the main reason i get bored is i don't think about the next day enough and end up following similar patterns (internet, reading, tv etc) day after day. By actually thinking about new ideas the night before i might just get excited enough to sleep in the night instead of delaying it! now i just got to remember every night...

Music and reading (have trouble concentrating on the words, find something you like with a bunch of pictures in it)

i go through these long periods where i forget music exists and how fun it is. i was dancing by myself to less than jake last night and forgot how stress relieving and free it makes u feel

For negativity about life in general, or feeling self-pity, a gratitude list can help.

gunna try that tonight deffo

Start a journal,
i actually started one when my ex died and i was feeling lots of mixed up emotions- it really helps when u have no-one to talk to. i also started one when i got to turkey and the change in me is unbelievable. before it was full of darkness. and now theres pictures ive drawn of my cute little puppy and of hope. its actually quite a good progress marker. altho i do go off them till another big event happens that gives me motivation enough.

positive statement. To prevent the boredom or the ignoring of it, make a point to look for another one to put up next month.
have started putting inspiring quotes up- its quite fun really. and fills my room with a pick-me-up for every occassion as well as tips for managing adhd/ time etc. I've found the quotes and advice on this board to be the most inspiring actually so theres many of them tacked up- thanks ya'll :)

[quote=MECMR;620791]

The idea of this is not that you reject something by pushing it away, but that you accept it, and notice it.
This is actually brilliant advice - it actually solves the problem of repressing your feelings- because all though the negatives are kept in check by denying them, it does not good in solving them. if i actually allow the negatives (such as ur too ugly/ depressing/ monopolistic in convo's) to ruin my ability to let myself out in the world- i can actually reason why im feeling them and rectify them (take some time over my appearance/ make an effort to smile and say optimistic things/ listen to others) and turn a - into a +.

I also speak about things when I should not, and regret it afterwards. I have learned to focus on each word the person says, and I give myself a rule to not respond until I have counted to 10 slowly. Sometimes I have to literally bite my lip!
im writing this trick up and sticking it on my wall!!

I practice rephrasing things and being objective. If I say to myself "I am stupid", I try to sit back and think about what exact thing makes me feel stupid.
this is a reasoning exercise i have to motivate my mind to do. Alot of the times i think im depressed because my rents say ur in a bad mood or holding back from doing what i want because im scared. however when i look at it , its not doing what I WANT TO DO because i'm not owning up to what i'm really feeling about a specific issue- just generalizing a lot of issues into a feeling.
I also have thought a lot about something I learned a long time ago. I read it, and heard it, so I don't know when it clicked or why! But the message was: If people in your life who know you and love you, and whom you truly respect, tell you good things about you, then dismissing or denying their opinions does not make sense. If they are smart about everything else, why are they suddently wrong about you?
The problem i have with this is the consistency of what they think about u. for example my mum used to say i was a psycho for having an eating disorder. When it got scary enough she changed her mind. When i was a teen my mum told me i needed to go on a diet. now all i hear is u need to become fat. When I wear things that make me feel like a woman(a skirt or a fitting top) I am told that I look like a ****. But when i dress up in my baggy jeans and top they r happy - but everyone thinks i'm 15 years old. and its all these contradictory messages that confuses me. and even though my rents constantly shower me with compliments now about my ability or looks, i know it is conditional- with strings attached. What would they think if i actually behaved like a woman? what if i did have an ****? what if i dressed in a way that got attn? the people who i know love and support me also created me. and the one thing they taught me was not to trust anyone. when i was younger i obviously rebelled againstthis as much as poss. but in the end i was so naive i trusted ppl who only made me go running back into my mums arms. and i hope that when i do find myself again that i wont lose them


Thanks for your great advice. i'll definately be looking up on buddhism and living in the here and now. it'll probably help me appreciate my rents for who they r now, and allow me to take a day at a time:)

I think you are on the right track.

Treat yourself like you were your own best friend.

In meditation we acknowledge our thoughts but then we allow them to float away. This can be done for negative thinking. Acknowledge that it is negative thinking - not necessarily a bad thing - and then let it go replacing it with a more positive statement.

1. Think positive thoughts (try neurolinguistic programming)
2. try cognitive behavioural therapy
3. help someone else or be a volunteer to get your mind off yourself on on to someone else's concerns
4. accept that you can't change the past and today is the first day of the rest of your life.
5. join a toastmasters club to become more positive in your communications..people at all levels join and they are located all over the world.

i like that statement canukie : today is the first day of the rest of ur life!
gotta wipe the slate clean if i want to start afresh and forgive others for their mistakes because it is clear that my rents are now making a big effort to help me and i will never change if i hold onto a past that is not compatible to the present day

i've found small periods of stretching and bursts of headbanging and dancing to energetic rock songs are really good at relieving stress and pain from concentrating on the pc too long. I also wanna try yoga. i had a massage yesterday and it was good at de-stressing. yoga is meant to help meant to be more peace with ur mind and body. im gunna give it a go. btw on the subject of yoga has anyone tried the wii fitness machiney? is it any good?

A few thoughts;

Building self esteem is a hard won battle. There are no set of tricks or quick quotes that can undo your thoughts/feelings/emotions. But some where you believe that there is something you were meant for. You have some incredible talent that even you don't know what it is. It's the drive towards the belief that there is something better than what you're currently going through.

The past cannot be forgotten; only left behind. Whatever happened to you is a part of your experience. Hopefully, you've gained something from your past and are using it to build on something positive towards the future.

I still remember how depressed I was when I was undiagnosed. Those negative feelings and thoughts are still quite fresh in my mind. I cannot take back that time. But what I am doing is sharing my progress with others, and by doing that in some small way, I am healing my past. I share with others what has helped me as an ADHD student, etc. etc.

You want to start thinking positively? How about creating something positive in your life? What are you doing now that generates positive feelings? If all you do is focus on thinking positvely, but not doing something thing that makes you happy, those thoughts are about as stable as a house of cards. And it's vulenerable to collapse at any moment.

As you start doing something, you will start to develop respect for yourself. You won't feel as though you're not on the same level as others, hence your nervousness will die down. Also, there won't be any need to defend your sense of self; it's firmly planted in the ground.

http://www.addforums.com/forums/images/smilies/smile.gif I have add (innatentive) I have been dianosed for 10 years and am now 42. I could write you a book on my thoughts......... One bit of real advice I will give Think about your life and how you can add dimensions to it . Maybe think of your life as a flat sheet of paper, filled with a sketch of what is your life. Now think of it as a rectangular prism. You have added a dimension. Another of my thoughts is to think is your life going round in a circle? Is it spiralling inwards? It spiralling outwards?

http://www.addforums.com/forums/images/smilies/smile.gif I have add (innatentive) I have been dianosed for 10 years and am now 42. I could write you a book on my thoughts......... One bit of real advice I will give Think about your life and how you can add dimensions to it . Maybe think of your life as a flat sheet of paper, filled with a sketch of what is your life. Now think of it as a rectangular prism. You have added a dimension. Another of my thoughts is to think is your life going round in a circle? Is it spiralling inwards? It spiralling outwards?

your going to have to explain some of these complicated ideas.
Spiraling inwards would mean what? Outwards?

Give examples please.

small steps.....taken one at a time go a long way

sometimes backward steps happen if balance is lost, these are needed to regain balance

when we are young we have great difficulty taking a single step, later in life it appears effortless and requires no concious thought

once walking is learned the most difficult thing is not taking the steps but working out which way to go

Sometimes we walk in the same direction as many people....but trying to walk in their footsteps often results in loss of balance and a fall.

Though someone may loudly proclaim they have a map it does not mean they know how to read it or desire the same destination as you.

walking on flat roads is boring

do not respect someone with two legs who insists on hopping, likewise examine closely the motives of the man who insists that climbing the steep hill is more virtuous and worthy of praise than walking the gentle path through the green valley

Often the journey seems longer at the start than it does at the end.

Everyone walks a long way in their life, but many discover they haven't gone very far.

kilted

1. antidepressants
2-5. Amphetamines.

Sounds like a joke, but I am very serious.

You can get therapy to help with one...and maybe in 5 years you will get some results, but the rest require meds or at the least supplements, or you're going nowhere with them.