My ex has ADHD and I broke up with him a few months ago because of the way he acted and the way he treated me.

For example:

Five months into the relationship, he wanted to move in with me, but he was struggling with things inside. He needed a lot of space from me, especially because he didn't know how to feel himself or focus on his own work when I was around.

He asked me to sleep over at his place one night, so he could get used to being around me, but inside, he really didn't want me there. He went out with his friends and I went to sleep, (in his bed).

When he came home, he got into bed and woke me up by talking and bouncing around. (I often thought he was provoking arguments to get stimulation because he would randomly do or say things over and over until I reacted.) After a couple minutes of him making noises and shifting in bed, I said his name in an annoyed voice and told him I had to get up early for school.

He got VERY angry, got up and banged the door loudly. I shot up and said loudly, "Don't do that!" or something to that effect. He turned around and shoved me really hard onto the bed.


Other times, he would get mad at me for things that were out of my control. I was supposed to pick him up at a certain time, but the person bringing the car back was an hour late. When I got to his house, he was upset that his day was ruined and kept asking me to acknowledge and have empathy for how upset he was. He would say, "I feel like if I don't say something, I'm accepting you walking all over me. I'm putting my foot down and saying 'NO', I don't deserve this".


Those are just a couple examples. Since we broke up, we haven't spoken for four months. He phoned me late last night, out of the blue and asked if we could talk.

So, I'm hoping to get some advice. He wants to get together and talk about our relationship so he can have closure. He often perceived my actions to be very hurtful towards him and now he wants me to explain my perspective so he can know that I meant him no harm.

The problem for me is that I don't trust his perspective. He acts as if he was a victim of my anger and hurtful behaviour, but, I don't see him being aware of his own behaviour. What I want to tell him is that I don't believe there is anything I can say that will change his problem, which is that his *perception* is distorted and his behaviour reflects it.

When he's in his Jekyll mood, he behaves responsibly and wisely. He apologizes for things he did while in his Hyde mood and speaks eloquently. And when he's in his Hyde mood, he acts impulsively, unpredictably. He gets abusive or mean and seems to feel justified because he blames others for hurting him. He throws things, slams doors in my face, hangs up on me, yells, insults, etc.

So, what I want to tell him is that until he gets help and treatment, (counseling, medication, coaching...), I don't want to have an exhausting, drawn out conversation to try and convince him that I'm not out to get him. I don't want to be at the whim of his unpredictable moods.

I will not put up with his bad behaviour for the times that he's reasonable. And, regardless of what mood he's in, he doesn't recognize that he's unpredictable, irrational, and distorted. I don't think there's anything I can say to make him see that....

You can choose to not meet with him. It sounds like you don't really want to.
What's likely going to happen is that he will blame you for a lot of stuff, then you'll feel bad.
And then he was successful in making you feel bad.

If you don't want to meet with him, then don't. It's your prerogative.

Thanks. =)

If you haven't spoken in four months and he is still mulling this over in his head to the point that he wants to speak with you (sounds more like a confrontation) to find out that you meant him no harm, then that means he probably can't get past it in his own head. If he can't, then it really won't matter what you say, just as it didn't matter what you did or said in the past. He sees things through glasses that color everything to be your fault, and that's not likely to change.

I would encourage you to tell him very succinctly over the phone or however you like that you never meant him any harm (there, that answers that quickly) and that you really think he needs to look into some help from one of the avenues that you mentioned.

I guess if it is that important to him, and you, that this be talked about, then maybe you could include the caveat that you will only speak with him after he has gone and gotten some form of treatment for a period of time.

Just my two cents. Don't compromise who you are or what you want in life for this guy, and don't let him control you. Decide what YOU want, and proceed accordingly.

The short & skinny....

If you have no intention of getting back with him there is no reason to meet with him at all.

Honestly, this doesn't sound like a meeting that is intended to help him better understand your actions. It sounds more like one meant to show that his perception of things is the correct one.

What exactly is in for you? What would you gain by speaking with him again?

I realise now how hard it is for me to be intimate with my gf... sigh... but I would never do the things you mentioned this guy doing... like pushing her or getting really angry at her for having to do things.

I realise now how hard it is for me to be intimate with my gf... sigh... but I would never do the things you mentioned this guy doing... like pushing her or getting really angry at her for having to do things.That's because you have AD/HD and the other guy has bigger problems. :cool:

He turned around and shoved me really hard onto the bed.This was your first cue to run away.


Other times, he would get mad at me for things that were out of my control. I was supposed to pick him up at a certain time, but the person bringing the car back was an hour late. When I got to his house, he was upset that his day was ruined and kept asking me to acknowledge and have empathy for how upset he was. He would say, "I feel like if I don't say something, I'm accepting you walking all over me. I'm putting my foot down and saying 'NO', I don't deserve this".This isn't AD/HD. This guy has major control issues.


The problem for me is that I don't trust his perspective.Trust your intuition. Women get themselves into dangerous situations because they ignore their intuition.


He acts as if he was a victim of my anger and hurtful behaviour, but, I don't see him being aware of his own behaviour. What I want to tell him is that I don't believe there is anything I can say that will change his problem, which is that his *perception* is distorted and his behaviour reflects it.That's because he doesn't take responsibility for his behavior. Are you sure he isn't lying about having AD/HD?

When he's in his Jekyll mood, he behaves responsibly and wisely. He apologizes for things he did while in his Hyde mood and speaks eloquently. And when he's in his Hyde mood, he acts impulsively, unpredictably. He gets abusive or mean and seems to feel justified because he blames others for hurting him. He throws things, slams doors in my face, hangs up on me, yells, insults, etc.He is a classic abuser.

So, what I want to tell him is that until he gets help and treatment, (counseling, medication, coaching...), I don't want to have an exhausting, drawn out conversation to try and convince him that I'm not out to get him. I don't want to be at the whim of his unpredictable moods.How about telling him that you don't want to talk to him until you get some help for yourself? The fact that you are even considering fixing this guy is a big, red, flag.

I second everything Imnapl said (and thank jesus she said it, cause I'd still be typing it out this evening...)

Tell him to blow it out his rear.

I would say don't meet with him. If you feel that you want to hear what he has to say then it can be done via the telephone or email. This way you can chosse to hang up or delete the messages.

I agree with all of the above and then add..... what good reason would you want to put yourself in harms way..? If he's already assaulted you on a previous occasion... then he'll probably do so again.

My advice - change your number or don't answer his calls(assuming you have caller id) and add a dead bolt and chain locks to your doors if you don't have them already. Whatever you do, do not answer your door to him. If he shows up,... ask him to leave. If he won't leave, then call the cops and let them deal with him.

I've been the victim (held at knife point), I don't want you to be a victim, too. Because you said yourself.... you don't want to be at the whim of his unpredictable behaviour/moods.

Thanks so much for all of your responses!!

I needed that kind of support to know that what I did was the right thing. I did exactly as you all suggested. I refused to meet with him and told him I don't trust him. I said that I *might* consider being friends with him after he's been in counseling for at least a few months and found ways to control his impulsiveness. And after he's tried ADHD medication for at least a month. And after he can explain specifically what it is that I have done that led him to feel hurt, can articulate specific requests about how he would prefer to be treated, and can demonstrate satisfaction when I honour those requests. (I am so tired of him finding new things to complain about how *I* hurt *him*).

I wrote him all of this in email and he wrote back saying a bunch of things. What stood out for me was this, "I think I understand how you were able to see all the really hurtful things you said and did to me while we where together as normal and necessary for your safety." and "I'm not sorry for anything but the way that you see things".

I think you're right Grafter, he's looking to justify his perspective and honestly believes that he's "right".

It baffles me that anyone can see things this way. I mean, the reality is simple and straightforward, as I see it:

He shoved me, he closed doors in my face, he stormed off angrily when I turned his advances down because I was late for school, he ignored me, called me disrespectful, and stayed angry for weeks because I found out about the surprise party he was organizing for my birthday and told him I knew, (trying to be honest), he got angry with me for asking him to clean up his mess on my kitchen table, he pouted on his birthday after I brought him balloons and a gift and baked him a cake and accused me of ruining his birthday, etc, etc...

But, he talks about "all the hurtful things" I did *to* him, like yelling at him and telling him he needed help. Like yelling that he can't control his ADHD without help, after he insisted he could control his ADHD by himself, (and pointing out that if he could control it, he wouldn't be behaving the way he does). Like, venting when I was upset about things in my life, but bouncing back and being happy. Like, becoming unhappy when he was unhappy and blaming me.

Unbelievable.

Anyway, I obviously still have to learn about abusive men. Thanks for all of your comments. :)

Anyway, I obviously still have to learn about abusive men. Thanks for all of your comments. :)From one of our more articulate Canadian members: How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date. (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=151800&highlight=abuser#post151800)

Thank you Imnapl! I read that article and it's really helpful. I feel silly still getting mixed up with abusive people. It's helpful to have a guideline of warning signs. Some of them were eye-openers for me. Red flags don't go off when they should...

Me too. I once took a non-violent intervention workshop and discovered I was at high risk for getting physically hurt by someone because I am way too trusting, some might say careless, about my personal space.

When people spend years with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD they tend to think, on some level, that they are screw-ups and it's that little chink in the armor that lets self-doubt and abusers in.

I tell people I married my husband because he never made me cry. Still true thirty years later. Yours is out there somewhere, Teremka.

Me too. I once took a non-violent intervention workshop and discovered I was at high risk for getting physically hurt by someone because I am way too trusting, some might say careless, about my personal space.

When people spend years with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD they tend to think, on some level, that they are screw-ups and it's that little chink in the armor that lets self-doubt and abusers in.

I tell people I married my husband because he never made me cry. Still true thirty years later. Yours is out there somewhere, Teremka.


how cool.

I agree, Teremka, you're clearly smarter than some women, in that you recognize his shenanigans and stopped it before you got in and couldn't get out.

I wish MORE women were as smart about this as you. Way to GO!!! Releasing one git just means you have three fantastic ones to choose from in the future.

If I were you, I'd start shaving your legs daily in the off chance you meet one sooner rather than later. Girl can't be too careful you know. :p

Yes. Do shave the legs. :D

HAHA!! Maybe I should start shaving at all, let alone daily.

I agree that it's smart to leave a man when he turns ugly. But, to keep dating abusive men is not that smart. I've had several short relationships because after a few months, they've all become that way.

That link to signs of an abusive man on the first date was SO helpful. They've all shown some of those red flags and I just didn't recognize them as red flags, probably because this kind of behaviour was normal growing up for me.

Thanks so much for the support, folks!