Hello all,
I once again have huge concerns about my thought process. I am overthinking each step of the day. I have not taken any med holiday's and I did start taking the Adderall at 8a, opposed to 10a. this seems to be ok..but I am so intouch with my emotion it is alarming.

My question is..was I not intouch before? Who was I?
Should my feelings be so close to the surface?
Through the years, I have always been the one people would open up too, the one who had a decent explanation of why..
But now...
The sky has opened and the sun is shining on a life I have never seen..quite scary...
I am doubting my career path..As most of you who know a little about me, I am a Radiologist, I am content, Love my daughter, and work excessivly, but before this huge step I worked as a Radiographer,(I did it all, mammo, ct, heart caths, you name it) and I LOVED IT! but felt I had to prove myself worthy of a title..well with this title came a worldwind of deception, pain and exhaustion.
I will not go into detail, I am sure we all have some sort of pain in the past..the difference is..I have never admitted, confessed or even wanted to feel this pain..and now it is surfacing...
Was I masking my life with my hectic schedule? Did I not realize that I was desperate for love..did I survive in a relationship that was separated by television, and FORCED emotion?
My concern today is...why now..why the past few weeks, with the Adderall, am I so over run with emotion..??
My heart, and mind are so intune, that I feel I could explode..
I am completely capable of acting like nothing is wrong, the strong one, and now, I am sooo weak..I do take wellbutrin, and this is not hormonal, I had a complete hysterectomy, and do take replacement hormones..I am aware the pituitary is still very active, and releases hormones as it should, but this is ridiculous.
I tear up..and find my mind wandering into places I have not visited in years..
I feel maybe the Adderall, has given me clarity..and now it has also shown me, how much time I have wasted being so unhappy.
I have read so many posts, and actually feel bad posting this, because it sounds so self righteous, but I am asking for advice..is this a normal process of emotion?
Will I pass this intersection? I realize this sounds like depression, but the symptoms, are more on the lines of..what was I thinking..
If you can relate..please let me know...
Thanks,
X


And for the one guy, who has allowed me to be me..you know who you are..thank-you!

I am on adderall and have noticed a slight.. slight bit of emotion more then i have ever before. Getting a bit emoitional seeing something on TV or reading about it. I never really thought of it untill i read your post. I am usually the strong one also, still am i should say, nothing bothers me, but lately, seems as though something will get me just right and it hits, not lasting long at all, usaully takes to change the channel or seomthing it is over, but i can feel it coming more. I have the ablility to "turn it of and on" so to speak. I am not sure if it is the meds or just everything in my life that is going on that it is wearing me a bit and causeing this. Like I said wasn't really a problem untill recenly. OR maybe I am just getting softer in my getting old (not that old...33 : ) )... my imput

I will not go into detail, I am sure we all have some sort of pain in the past..the difference is..I have never admitted, confessed or even wanted to feel this pain..and now it is surfacing...
Was I masking my life with my hectic schedule? Did I not realize that I was desperate for love..did I survive in a relationship that was separated by television, and FORCED emotion?
My concern today is...why now..why the past few weeks, with the Adderall, am I so over run with emotion..??
Just off the top of my head?


Things we bury come back to bite us.
It's not all about AD/HD.

Medication improves our focus and attention about everything, including emotions.
Diagnosis and medication create a new self.
Loss of our old self causes grief.

Grieving is a process.

What you are describing I've been through so many times, that feeling deep inside that something is wrong, I thought that this was just a part of life a part of me, but surprisingly enough it has a name: anxiety.

It is similar to depression mainly because while you are in a state of anxiety, you obssess about everything that is wrong or could go wrong, every thing you say or have done you see the negative in it and think about it and think it's much worse then what it really is.

I don't think for a second that you have an anxiety disorder, what it seems to be is just your bodies way of telling you that you are overworking it, you most likely just need a rest and hopefully you will get over it during the weekend.

You are going through a time of great change and stress, you might be suffering from lack of sleep and stimulants are known for their ability to increase anxiety, try and calm down and try and remember the good things about your job, how hard you worked to get it and the people you have helped, you are working in a job that you do much good in yet get very little praise from those around you, which is noble.

Huh..never knew that was anxxxxxiety. Dunno, my 2nd week off the adderall xr makes me feel like total disarray. But I noticed sumthing even off the meds...the meds help everything, but the consequence is, you will realize everything and how dysfunctional you used to be. Its like...an epihpany...you come to a realization of everything in your life...how behind you are in compared to everyone else that is 'considered normal'. Its quite scary because theres just so much that I was bombarded with when I found out how much I was missing out without the meds....i realized how my social skills were horrible (but i became more dedicated to fixate this issue by constantly getting books, reading till my eyes bleed, as long as it helps me with my social sikills), mathematically challenged( well my focus sucked and logically thinking impaired a bit) but I tried to overcome it.

That was the 3rd month of me taking it...man was it scary as hell...I felt like I couldn't function within society because of how gimped I 'thought' i was. The pills fixed everything. I mean yeah i think it coulda been anxiety, but maybe its because of the fact that it was so much truth that i realized about myself. Off the pills, I completely ignore these 'impairment' problems and don't look for a solution. I feel like a vegetable sometimes, just sitting mindless watching an LCD tv or computer screen because how I don';t even have the focus to read a book or have the attention span to do anything else. Life is a total nightmare without the pills when u have inattentive add. Ur mind can't think properly, u think slow, u can't think of proper things to say, nor focus straight....

Oh well, least the gym is one way I utilize to fight these days without meds. Going on the meds back on tuesday (Thank God).

It's not all about AD/HD.


Agree a 100%:)

You seem completely overwhelmed, Xraylady!

I don't know if it's the meds or ADHD or your marriage or your work or whatever or maybe a mixup or what, but I can really relate to that emotional bombardement you're experiencing right now. I get those when I am stressed out and overworked. Mostly when I have the first chance to relax after a period of extensive pressure.

It's like being hit by a train sometimes - you get the air beaten out of you and all of a sudden you're hanging there on the front of the locomotive in a state of numb chock but with that gnawing sense of urgency and your instincts tell you to run as H in every possible direction at once but you can't move.

My only advise is:
Don't. Don't move.
Don't try to make important decisions when you're in the state you're in.
You'll be okay again. Just give yourself a bit of time.
Say it's the Adderal that makes your thoughs and feelings so chaotic.
Don't panic. Just keep an eye on it. Breathe. You're okay.

All the thoughts you have about your career choice and partner and everything may root from somewhere (or not), but either way, you don't have to act on any of it "yesterday". You're not in any danger, your children are not in danger.
So no panic actions are needed.

If it helps you to take a real long crampy crying fit to clear your mind, do that.
Sometimes it helps.

Overwhelmed is correct...
I am not married..when I was, it was so special, I know in a post I said how he loved me know matter what, and I don't share a lot of things, but this man WAS wonderful, and often I live in the moment of those days....I apologize for that confusion..Life and death..often share the same road...UNFORTUNATELY.
Today is Sunday, and crying is how I have spent the day, and feeling guilty about it of course.
I should have completed several tasks, as the week ahead will be full of mayhem, so I thank-you for your kind response, and will be seeing my doc on Wednesday..
I did not take the adderall today..and the lethargy has been overwhelming, but I think this is total depression, although, I am soooo happy to leave for work tomorrow, as it will consume my every thought, and the escape is spectacular.
So as I sit and try to search my soul, I will say this, Thank-you to all who care and even if I don't know any of you, I have said more here in days, than I have in the past 15 years.
Thanks,
X

((((hugs))) I hope you're feeling some better today.

X You have accomplished soooo much, you were probably "hyperfocused" (for lack of a better word) on getting to this point in your career. Every job has its good and bad, you shouldnt expect your job to bring you happiness, only satisfaction that you do it well and to know through it you are helping people. Now that you made it to the top you are probably without a challenge or goal anymore and you don't know what to do next, you are starting to call into question everything you ever did. Maybe all you need is a challenging hobby or side project, what motivates/challenges you? Youre every bit as pretty as your daughter and she looks just like you, smart, caring, etc. and since you work in a hospital you probably have a really good health insurance plan, so you have your health! :-) That all probably doesnt seem like much and wont cheer you up, but if it helps you to have my perspective there it is.

xraylady33,

Meds aside, there is a normal process we go through, a midlife thing where we take stock of our lives and begin to question some of our life choices. I wonder if that might be a part of what you are feeling now.

X You have accomplished soooo much, you were probably "hyperfocused" (for lack of a better word) on getting to this point in your career. Every job has its good and bad, you shouldnt expect your job to bring you happiness, only satisfaction that you do it well and to know through it you are helping people. Now that you made it to the top you are probably without a challenge or goal anymore and you don't know what to do next, you are starting to call into question everything you ever did. Maybe all you need is a challenging hobby or side project, what motivates/challenges you? Youre every bit as pretty as your daughter and she looks just like you, smart, caring, etc. and since you work in a hospital you probably have a really good health insurance plan, so you have your health! :-) That all probably doesnt seem like much and wont cheer you up, but if it helps you to have my perspective there it is.

Your complements are very kind..but you see, in my eyes, there is no top, and now I am questioning what I have done. Trust me, it was a sacrifice, and many people were hurt and abandoned during these gruleing years.
Yes I have good insurance, and my heart wrenches, for those who don't. My beleifs on government, and health insurance are very strong, but we will save that for a debate.
You did cheer me up ech5..you have been a very kind person, and it has not gone unnoticed.
Thank-you

xraylady33,

Meds aside, there is a normal process we go through, a midlife thing where we take stock of our lives and begin to question some of our life choices. I wonder if that might be a part of what you are feeling now.

I never gave a mid life issue a thought, I had a hysterectomy at an early age, and went through menopause at that time.
You may be on to something..I have a teenage daughter, and as she and her friends are so "hip", it does keep me young
Thank-you..

Hi Xraylady,

I can understand how you are questioning your choices in the past, and now letting emotions pull you under. I think that when we are working very hard towards any goal, we rarely let emotion interfere, pushing it aside (or burying it.) Eventually emotions do catch up with us as they have for you while being on Adderall. I agree with the other poster who said not to make any decisions now, not while you are so emotional. I would reccommend keeping a journal. I would also reccommend a therapist to talk with. I know it is helpful to post in a forum and receive feedback, but face to face is so much better. Only you will know if being a Radiologist is worth all that you have sacrificed. We all have those types of decisions to make in life. I think that it is safe to say that if you use your values to guide you in your decisions, then you really can't go wrong.

I wish you the best of luck in sorting this out. I don't know what role Adderall plays in how you are experiencing your emotions now - but I do think a therapist would be beneficial. I am in the healthcare field (RN for the past 15 years, in a variety of care settings, mostly ICU, Peds, Telemetry, Psych, and ER - though in the ER, you see them all), so I can doubly relate.

Take care,

At Heart

I really appreciate it..my role as a Rad. is quite new..as they say I have not earned my stripes, yet as a tech. I was on top of the world. I embraced my job and worked so hard..that I just knew..more status would equal, better emotional reward...
Now my heart is encapsuled into a ventricular process that leaves a girl to wonder..was it worth the sacrifice or shall we just stent this gal, and pump the meds directly into her subclavian.

The days are getting worse..I am so in touch with every thought, that it is making daily function very difficult. I am also experiencing procrastination, very odd.

And to add insult to injury..my daughter is starting High School. I have just one, so she is dear to me..and to let her grow up is something I am just not ready for.

Talking with someone would be great, but right now i cannot risk this, and I live in a small area..everyone knows me..so right now..I will attempt to deal with this the only way i know how..alone.

I do journal..actually I have done it for years. It does help.

I will keep you posted and Thank-you.

xraylady33,

It sounds like you are preparing for something new, the next stage in life. We take on and let go of stuff all the time. Perhaps there are some things that you are not ready to let go of and this is causing some emotional conflict. It's like your head is telling you one thing and your heart is telling you something else. I think you are going through a normal process but with heightened emotions.

yes it is a mid-life thing & not new at all
"Midway life's journey I was made aware/that I had strayed into a dark forest. ..." dante's inferno

when at 42, i began having to check-in my feelings at SLAA, I had to look at a Feeling List or Wheel to help identify them. Six years later - after a year away from the meeting, I find I can readily ID and better articulate what I feel.