I say right thing in quotes because I'm looking for someone to tell me how to approach this situation not the way I'd like to, but the way I can avoid hurting anyone or causing problems. Anyone who can give me some advice is welcome.

Here's the situation:

I work with a group of about ten other artists. I have a team of my own that work under me. Each of the other artists has their own group. In one of the other artist's teams is a youngerr guy, he is in his mid-twenties. I'm in my mid-thirties.

This guy is in training right now to do a different work than what I do, but it is related. It is conceivable that we may work on the same projects one day, or that he will continue to be part of the workplace with me. He won't be doing exactly what I do; and he is not training under me (nor will he).

He's been flirting with me pretty heavily. I normally would enjoy this, a lot. He's my type for sure, I find him very attractive. We've been friends since he started at the studio (about two years now) and have been hanging around and interacting as friends. The flirting has been pretty low-key and so up until now there was no difficulty.

A few days ago one of my friends in the same field as me, who I've known for years, called me and told me that this guy was talking about me in a way that was pretty intense...like he wanted to pursure something but was worried about his job (he's pretty vulnerable to being fired or having problems in the position he is, training, right now) (I'm not in any danger of losing my job in any circumstance related to this, btw)

He said some fairly serious things to her. Making relationship-type noises, like. And also some pretty strong innuendos...but it's kind of obvious, we have a lot in common with interests (books, philosophy, ways of going about things, etc etc. we have extremely good long conversations)

Of course I like this- I'd be interested. But I don't really want a relationship, and he seems like the type to try to take it that direction...also if I do anything about this I put him at risk with his career training.

Usually, in the past, I'd have already slept with him.

I'd still like to and I'm not sure if I can keep from doing it.

I don't think I could be convinced to get involved in a relationship, but I wouldn't want to see him with a girlfriend afterward, if you know what I mean. I do have a jealous streak about some things.

I don't know how to do anything else. I mean, I like him genuinely, he's going to be very good at what he does, I'd not want him to get fired. Nothing like that. Or to be distracted while he's learning. I guess I'm saying that I am tryng to care about whether satisfying myself will harm him or not. Also I don't want the drama at work if thinsg go awry.

How do I handle this? How does anyone restrain themselves? Besides a cold shower, that is.

After reading your post the thing that comes to mind is the teacher and the student. Some students flirt with their teachers, just as some little girls will flirt with dad. I strongly believe that the older person is the one to take control of the situation and see that it goes no further than the flirting, it should be gently discourage not encouraged. I also personally feel that workplace relationships are a huge mistake. Just my thoughts on your post.

Usually, in the past, I'd have already slept with him.

I'd still like to and I'm not sure if I can keep from doing it.



I can tell ya what works for me

The amount of pleasure isn't worth the after fling wing ding -

I have to see beyond the moment of enticement and consider the "cost" - which is usually emotional bother that I would rather not bother with.


Of course I like this- I'd be interested. But I don't really want a relationship, and he seems like the type to try to take it that direction...also if I do anything about this I put him at risk with his career training

Add sugar coating to the above line and give it as a reason not to get involved. Remember to present it as if it is in his best interest because people are generally interested in themselves - This presentation often affords the opportunity to appear caring {which is better to the general public than appearing horny but not willing to deal with the after effects of an office fling }

I have to agree with the other two posts, but something tells me, you already know what the smart thing to do is. It is just difficult to do the smart thing sometimes. Think of it as a opportunity to grow emotionally, socially and professionally!

I'm going to trot out some well used aphorisms


Never put your meat where you make your bread (bit of a bloky one but YKWIM)
Birds never **** in their own nest
Usually I'd be of the 'carpe diem' mould but this guy has got a potential problem if you go ahead.

I'd say walk away - it's good for your soul.

I'd say walk away - it's good for your soul.

If one has no "soul"????

If I do not see the benefit to myself then chances are I won't restrain myself.

I am selfish that way denying it only adds to the confusion which is counter productive to my cause

May I ask how having this connection with him will put his job on the line?

I'd say walk away - it's good for your soul.

If one has no "soul"????

If I do not see the benefit to myself then chances are I won't restrain myself.

I am selfish that way denying it only adds to the confusion which is counter productive to my cause

Counter productive? What about the warm glow of knowing you have done 'the right thing' or the long term benefits of working in an environment where your peers respect you because you didn't ruin a workmates life?

The only reason his position is in any jeopardy is because he is still in training, once that's over I'm planning on going ahead anyway...at that point it won't matter.

I don't know about walking away giving me any kinid of "warm glow", unless you're referring to frustration as "warm"...but I do thank everyone for the helpful words. I'll just have to wait it out.

If I was the kind of person who got involved with people, this guy would be the sort I'd get involved with. I think he is not flirting as a minor thing but that he is more interested than that, which is why I haven't done anything- just having a fling or some fun sex with him wouldn't affect anythng at work. But taking it any further than that (meaning, he wants a relationship and I dump him) would probably cause him problems with his work.

My peers respect me because I am very good at my work. I don't really think they'd see it as me ruining his life, maybe as him making bad decisions...but I doubt I'd be blamed for any problems. I'm good at reading people, really. The problem is that I usually don't NOT take what I want. I don't really know how to do that.

Now I just have to figure out how to refrain. Any suggestions besides cold showers and "baskng in the warm glow"? haha

Print out what you wrote...
.....or actually do a formal document, that says, he understands you are insane,
and will have "insane times" where you need to get your own self together, before
you can offer any stability.
.....but the sex is good, and if he's cool with the "friends with benifits" thing...you are.



I have the same problem.
.....that's what i do.

reesah, is that your picture in the avatar?

hahaha suzanne, brilliant
I may just do that. How do I create a document explaining that as a sociopath I can't be relied upon for anything, and that the add makes me bore easily...haha

it's not me in the av, I'm a woman...that's larry david from "curb your enthusiasm", a show you can watch if you'd like to know what my life is like...he also wrote seinfeld...a hilarious man

start out with:

me, Reesa, being of UNsound mind, and a perfect body.
....Hereby state, to you, _____________

I am not the person you wanna build a solid foundation on at this time.
......I am here as an intimate FRIEND.
however I do not have a BETTER HALF" I can offer....I'm working on it.
.....I'm under construction, and therefore, some days may be subject to
unavailability, pardon my dust, as I reconstruct.

In closing, to simplify the above.
........clearly, I'm insane, and will need some extra "time out" occasionally.
During med adjustment times or PMS.

sincerely, because i care about you, and I want the best for you.
.....I wanted to out line the situation, so you can use your own disgretion
involving me.

Reesa

The only reason his position is in any jeopardy is because he is still in training, once that's over I'm planning on going ahead anyway...at that point it won't matter.

I don't know about walking away giving me any kinid of "warm glow", unless you're referring to frustration as "warm"...but I do thank everyone for the helpful words. I'll just have to wait it out.

If I was the kind of person who got involved with people, this guy would be the sort I'd get involved with. I think he is not flirting as a minor thing but that he is more interested than that, which is why I haven't done anything- just having a fling or some fun sex with him wouldn't affect anythng at work. But taking it any further than that (meaning, he wants a relationship and I dump him) would probably cause him problems with his work.

My peers respect me because I am very good at my work. I don't really think they'd see it as me ruining his life, maybe as him making bad decisions...but I doubt I'd be blamed for any problems. I'm good at reading people, really. The problem is that I usually don't NOT take what I want. I don't really know how to do that.

Now I just have to figure out how to refrain. Any suggestions besides cold showers and "baskng in the warm glow"? haha

Sorry - warm glows and cold showers are all the treatments we can prescribe :D

How about a cold shower down the fire department with some hunky firemen, I'm sure they wouldn't mind ;)

firemen, sure thing. sounds like a prescription I can handle.

I called up one of my swimming buddies last night and got some of it out of my system.

that contract is funny :D

He's in his mid 20's

He has the hots for you

It's unlikely he's worked out the difference between love and lust yet..... which takes a well mylinated brain...... and a failed long term relationship

since you're the teacher... you could tell him he's a little inexperienced to be thinking of settling down and you'll maybe think about a quick roll in the hay if he gets top grades and more maturity!!

puts the ball in your court and pushes "the deed" far enough into the future for it not to matter now.

Some students feel an urge to do the staff..... for a variety of psychological reasons... most of them suspect.

Besides mid 20's and wanting a relationship which leads to ..... nappies and 9-5????

Urrrgh

kilted

no, he has a vasectomy. haha otherwise I wouldn't even be considering it...and he's not a student in this sense, he is just being groomed through training into a more equivalent position to mine. A "junior" if you will, in the executive sense.
\
I agree with what you said about the lack of experience in relationships. I think that is why I usually "date" men in their mid-20s. Old enough to hold the door for me and afford dinner, young enough to still be just after sex. It's a better match for me usually (since I enjoy chivalry and do not want the settled-down thing)

I think I will take your advice, and when flirting commences again I will just tell him to wait until he's been promoted...I can always continue flirting and teasing in the meantime!

It will all end in tears. lol

It will all end in tears. lol


haha well, they won't be mine at least!
:p

he was at the studio yesterday with me all day, making puppy dog eyes. I'd even say moping and mooning. it's kind of funny.

Unusual for a guy to have had a vasectomy at such a young age.

..... just my opinion

kilted

from the experience vault, you do not poop where you eat.

this is what is going to happen- you hook up and one of you is way more into it than the other person, then the problems start at work, then the tension mounts, then one of you quit or get fired to escape the situation.

and usually the person looking for "love" has no problem doing vindictive things, saying things about you in a negative light, embarrassing you, threatening you, etc. etc. if you turn away there advances or want to end it.

Well, it sounds like this could get pretty complicated from the office politics point of view.

I'm not sure what you mean by saying that if you do anything, you'd "put him at risk with his career training." Is this an official policy? My personal view is that as long as everyone is over the age of consent, what two people might choose to do is no one else's business. Period. And if I were in your situation, and did want to date a co-worker, no office policy would ever be able to stop me.

I think it's good that you're self-aware about what you want (or don't want). But it seems like you're saying there is an attraction there. What I would recommend is letting him ask you out (I'm sure you could find a way to let him know you're amenable) but on the first day be totally up front about where you're at. Who knows, you could have so much fun that you might decide a relationship with him would be pretty nice after all.

In any case, you'd basically be putting the ball in his court, saying "here's what I can and can't give you -take it or leave it."

A younger guy lusting after an older woman is usually simple curiosity. What do your workmates think? Be sure to check out all the obvious things like he’s just having a bit of fun, or that he has been put up to asking you out, he might have a bet on with someone. Christ! I’m so suspicious. :)

He is an unusual young man.
I'm unusual myself I suppose.

This week has been all tension, the enjoyable kind, at work. I think I will just avoid being alone with him until his training is over and then go hang out with him and let the opportunity arise.

I'm gorgeous, so I don't think he's "having a bit of fun" bluerose. His attitude is also not that of someone who's been put up to anything- if anything just the opposite. Seems like he is himself a bit paranoid.