I'm new here but would appreciate some input from others who understand where I'm coming from.

I've been married for seven years and in these seven years my husband still has no understanding as to what goes on inside my head. We couldn't be more opposite. He has it all together.
Instead of seeing this for what it is, he just thinks I'm being lazy. He has no clue as to what I go through on a daily basis and how frustrating this is! I explained how things work with me when we were dating. My forgetfulness, disorganization and blurting out whatever I was thinking at the moment, good or bad, were cute to him in the beginning. After 7 years, it's not so cute to him anymore. He feels like he has to keep up with his stuff and mine, appologize for what I might say, not to mention do almost all the house work.
A couple years ago, I started working exclusively at home and it's all gone downhill from there. He only has to work two days a week so, he sees ME. In the beginning he was totally against my taking medication but now is demanding something change or else.
I wonder if I've ruined this too.

Thanks for listening.

Elle

Hi Elle,

It really helps if your spouse wants to understand you. I'm the ADDer in my house, and my wife took an interest in me when I was diagnosed a few months ago. It has really opened her eyes to read these boards and see that I'm not the only person with certain issues. She also read the books I read, including Delivered From Distraction. In a relationship, both parties have to be interested in the other person, and sometimes that means going out of your way to try and understand them. Maybe it would help if he would look into this to see what you are dealing with, from the perspective of others that deal with many of the same things.

Also, if you aren't taking meds and think it would help, maybe you should look into that.

If anything, don't feel like you have ruined anything. You have just been being who you are, and he thought it was cute and pushed you not to take medication. He had no problem until now, so you didn't ruin something, you didn't change, he did. That problem may now affect you as well, but you didn't necessarily do anything wrong for being who you are, he did something wrong by taking on a person in marriage and then changing his mind if it is that serious. Hopefully he is just frustrated and things will calm down with effort on both of your parts to come to a mutual understanding.

There is an imabalance in the relationship and your husband feels he is getting the short end of the stick. I'm also willing to bet that he feels like he's your father, and not your husband, based on the fact that he's cleaning up after you and apologising for you etc.

Please take this with a grain of salt, but it seems to me that things should be going in the opposite direction. Your husband is aware of your condition, so over the time of your marriage, things should have improved, not gotten worse.

For instance, my partner and I started out in the same place you guys did - he thought all my little strange habits were cute. Then we moved in together, and he certainly was not prepared for how much of a burden living with me placed on him. We had a huge number of fights over the first few years.

But eventually, with a lot of talking and compromising, we got to a better place. There were two basic components to this. I had to stop being unrealistic (and making unrealistic promises) about what I could manage, and he had to accept that if he was going to be with me, he was going to have to be okay with doing more of the housework as well as lowering his standards regarding the overall organization and cleanliness of the house.

Anyway, you said that you explained to him how things were with you "while you were dating." Sounds like it's time to revisit this, give him a refresher course, so to speak, and sit down for some honest conversations about what's realistic for you. Meds might be worth a try if you're open to that, but wherever you end up with your ADD, you are who you are. Talk to him, do your best to compromise with him, keep in mind that it's stressful for him to have to carry more of the burden, but realize that in the end he has to decide whether he can accept you who you are or not.

Right now you're basically fighting over the FACT that you are who you are, and that is not a good thing.

He feels like he has to -

keep up with his stuff and mine,


appologize for what I might say,


not to mention do almost all the house work.


~Bold in quote mine~

Who is he to apologize for you????? or what you might say????? wtf is up with that crap????? I live with Mr. I ain't got no ADD but goodness only knows what will fly out of his mouth = what ever pops into his brain

I warn people to expect this - but I never apologize for Gary being Gary.


A couple years ago,I started working exclusively at home and it's all gone downhill from there.

He only has to work two days a week so, he sees ME.


In the beginning he was totally against my taking medication but now is demanding something change or else.


I wonder if I've ruined this too.

~More underlining and bold in quote added by me~

Geez sounds like a bad case of boundary issues to me

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self (http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm)

Setting Personal Boundaries:
A Primer for Healthier Relationships (http://haroldmeyer.googlepages.com/boundries)


If he only works two day a week then you make most of the money to pay the bills???

Gary makes most of the money but I relieve him of some of the administrative things and I do all of the house work, I keep up with some of his stuff because he has the attention span of a mayfly = it is called doing my share.

I have chosen to take medications for my ADD Gary has the same symptoms but medication are out of the question for him - he is a recovering addict and does not want to take any mood or mind altering substances - the moral of the story - He is grown he makes choices concerning his body and mind as am I - Gary could be against what ever he wanted but he sure in the hell would not be dictating what I could and could not put into my own body

Sounds like you are letting your boy friend push you around emotionally - I would be telling him to not let the door hit him on the way out of it -