View Full Version : Control.


sarey
08-28-08, 03:47 AM
I hope you don't mind me posting here.

So, I have been eating. Not been purging either. But right now, I just want to... not eat. Again. I want to starve until I die. Everything ... is just... falling apart. I can't control my thoughts at all. I may have OCD, so the thoughts are pretty intrusive and bad. I hate them. I can't control my anxiety. But then, when have I ever been able to? I just feel anxious at the click of a finger.

I'm going back to school next week. I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm so fat, I hate it.

I feel disgusting.

I want to just...

fade away.

But.
that.
will.
never.
happen.
will.
it?

:(

I thank you for reading... and if anyone replies, thank you...

Driver
08-28-08, 08:45 AM
Go see a counsellor or talk to your parents and figure out why you feel you're no longer in control. And eat 3 square meals a day.

sarek
08-28-08, 03:07 PM
Never ever use words like fat or disgusting on yourself. You know you are neither of these two. You are just you.
Those words and thoughts are not helping you and they're not making you feel better. You can't afford dwelling on such negative sentiments. I learned not to do that and it made me feel much better.

Now go get some help like Driver said, and work this out. You are still young. Much can yet be changed for the better.

kulita
08-31-08, 10:20 AM
I really, REALLY have been in your position. Anxiety is very overwhelming and I know you want to pull your hair out and run around mad to stop everything. It will pass, don't think about it or the symptoms of it. Watch a funny tv show... just to get your mind off of what is giving you anxity. Your body is telling your brain to "Change the channel" like we do when we see something on tv that we don't like. PM me if you want to talk.

Mincan
08-31-08, 01:59 PM
OCD is statistically treated better with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy than SSRIs. Try it! It's been working for me. You retrain your brain to think the way you want to. Remember reality is perceived.

Prusilusken
08-31-08, 04:55 PM
(((Hugs)))

Oh, I know that feeling all too well! :(

Sorry, sweets...you won't fade away no matter what you do, and you know that.
I know the despair is just unbearable, I've been there more than once myself.

You need to tell someone near you, and like Sarek says, you really need to stop badmouthing yourself. Please do everything you can to turn away those thoughts, they hurt you more than you think. They just feel so natural it seems unnatural and selfdeceptive to stop them or turn them away, but it's really not. It's all about your brain having gotten used to these thoughts, and that means that the neurological path is like an empty freeway to them, and if you want to think positive or even just a little more realistic, THAT path is so overgrown now from not being used, that it's like an old jungle. You'd need a machete or something to make that path usable.

The machete you need is a proffessional.
A good CBT therapist, fx. I'm with mincan on that.

I've become much better since having a longer course in cognitive behavioural therapy, so of course I'd love for you to have that opportunity too.

But for now:

Tell someone,

Try to not be evil to yourself, even if you feel like it helps a little.
In the long haul, it destroys you, but not in the way you'd like. It will not fade away, only make you more miserable, and your friends and family besides.
In fact, next time you catch one of those thoughts, picture yourself saying that sentence out loud with that same vehemence to the person in your life you love the most. How devastated would that person be? Who deserves to be treated like that? How about the person you dislike the most in the world?
Probably not even him/her...right?

So, what did you do to deserve that?
I know you hate yourself, trust me, I know, you sound like me just 8 months ago.
But what did you ACTUALLY do to deserve your own harsh unforgiving wrath?

If you want to, write it down, post it in this thread or PM me.
I'll try to help you break it down if you can somehow muster the energy to be a little constructive. If you can't it's okay too.

Kulita has a point too.
If you really, really can't pick yourself up in anyway, try to divert yourself in any way possible, and thereby give your brain a pause in the hurting and beating up.
I've found that a good thing to divert me (with varying success) is to comfort someone else or be with animals. Try to shift your focus a little (I know probably it sounds stupid and not worth trying because it'll never work, but try to break away from that thought, even if it feels wrong to do that)
Do you have a cat or a dog?
Use them!
Walk the dog, even if you'll hate stepping outside now, do it for the dog!
He's probably not been walked in - how long?
If it's an utterly impossible brat of a dog that needs training - try teach it a trick or something. It maybe impossible but maybe it'll make you mad on something else than yourself for a moment og even make you smile for a sec.

Feed the cat shrimps or something else you now it'll love, or play with it or your brother or ask your roomie or parents (don't know you living arrangements) to play a game or watch TV with you.

Give your granny a call just to make someone else happy even if you're not.

You'll not fade away, so fight the thought and comfort of it happening.
What can you do instead?

Oh, and don't say suicide, that spot's taken! ;):D

Treat yourself with some poisonously sarcastic humor from fx www.bash.org or some similar site. Remember: An evil laugh is also a laugh!

Divert Divert Divert.

I know this was long, but I hope some of it gets through your filter even though it seems awfully clodded these days.

(((MORE HUGS)))

qinkin
09-04-08, 01:03 PM
I REALLY HAVE been to where you are.. .. . . any chance you get, change change change change.. ALL life is is Change.. . . maybe joining a sports team, that might encourage you to exercise more

Your thoughts....intruding .... because you are not stimulated... you need to focus on your ENERGY LEVEL.. you need to keep it quite high if you wanna keep yourself out of the bad... along the way, you'll need to fight the discouragement:)

BEFORE you eat a whole lot, DRINK a lot of WATER, drink a lot anyway everyday. You came here for help, so ya, I'm trying so GOOD LUCK.. And don' go blowin' a fortune on "professional help".. ;)

I'm definitely not saying that your feelings are WRONG.. it's just that you don' seem to like it..

sarey
09-05-08, 11:33 AM
well
i'm back in the eating/purging/restricting/starving mode.
sigh.

bumblebe
09-05-08, 11:40 AM
i sooo relate to the eating issue. something that ive been living with since i was kid. compulsive overeating. ive learned a few things from my dr. about sugar and how some people have an allergy to it. not like we break out in hives or anything. more like it triggers this overwealming obsession for more!!! hard stuff. my dr. has recomended that i go to o.a.....i havent yet but fully intend to.

sarey
09-05-08, 01:50 PM
yeah.
kind of the same reasons but different sort of method.
compulsive overeating - anorexia/bulimia
both for control/comfort/you know, something you are most likely to fall into even worse with stress in your life

i hope you go to o.a, get the help you need hun.

Prusilusken
09-07-08, 07:26 PM
Hey Sarey, I'm really sorry to hear that. :(

I know it's not easy because that damn ED feels like a safety net, and you know whom ever you'll go to for help will do anything in their power to pull that away from under you the first halfchance they get. Whom to trust with your life, right?

It's such a sneaky disorder, that one. It's almost like it takes a person hostage and after some time they develop Stockholm's syndrome...scary stuff. :(

Have you taken other steps than what your ED has directed you in?

If not, try to get it done. Maybe there's a support group near you that you could attend? Then you'll already have one more way to control your life.
Since you seem to know that stress is and ED agressor for you: Is there some "external" way to eliminate some of the stress in your life?

I gather that if you didn't want help you wouldn't make it official on a huge website like this that you're in a bad way - you'd be a fullblown arrogant narcissist if you wrote those posts because you needed/wanted us as a crowd to cheer you into your death bed with our concerned attention...what are the odds of that? Very slim, I'd think...so go out there and get the help you need.

You want to, and you can find other means to take control and manage yourself and your life, even though the first step is almost impossibly hard and you have to do it all by yourself.

I think we've done pretty much all we can do now in here on ADDF - the irl part is all on you especially now as long as you've told noone else out there.

Good luck with everything.

akko
09-20-08, 09:58 AM
Hi Sarey!

(((Hugs))) I know just how you feel. That crippling anxiety that won't go away! Have you checked with your doctor to see if you can take anything specifically for anxiety?

I just wanted to let you know that I've been there and there is light at the end of the tunnel! When I was in full ED mode, I couldn't imagine how I would ever be able to eat normally again. It got to the point where eating anything started a struggle not to overeat. My self-esteem was in the gutter. I read Overeaters Anonymous, but it it didn't feel quite right to me. Every time I tried to avoid my trigger foods completely it would create this unbearable desire to have them until I binged. Then I would berate myself for my "weakness" and starve. What I wanted was to someday be able to eat just one piece of something and then get on with my day.

Getting on effexor helped me start to break the vicious cycle, but what helped me the most was reading and working with "Breaking Free from emotional Eating" and when "Food is Love" by Geneen Roth. Her methods felt really counter-intuitive at first (for a few years even), but breaking the restrictions I had on foods is what ultimately removed their power over me.

Sorry if I'm rambling or I sound preachy- I don't mean to. The ED prison is not something I would wish on anyone. It breaks my heart to see you suffer like that. Please don't give up trying! You'll break free one day! And it will be worth it!

Best,

akko

sloppitty-sue
09-20-08, 02:58 PM
I would like to second the recommendation of the Geneen Roth books. Can't remember which one I read, but it had a permanent positive impact on alleviating my unhealthy obsessions related to food and eating. I read it maybe 10 - 15 years ago, and I still have those new, healthier attitudes I learned from her in her book.

You deserve a better life. One filled with freedom and joy. And right now you're stuck in a self-imposed prison - but you don't have to stay there. The sooner you begin your healing journey, the sooner you can enjoy a peaceful and joy-filled life. You've posted here (a good first step) - so CONGRATULATIONS for that! It's one step at a time that eventually brings recovery into your life. Keep up the courage and make the decision to love yourself.

Sincerely,
Sue