Things have been hard for me and my girl. She was really depressed, I still had anger issues along with insecurities and the mix. So she's so important to me that I put "ANGER" notes all over the place and it worked...I mean like in the drawers, on the ceilings, in the cupboards, on the thyme etc. It worked... my anger in the relationship was just about fixed. She is so important.

SO, last night things were finally clearly getting really good again with us again after my 3 months of 60 hour/week...obsessed with work and we had a date. The date went really well. We had talked about marriage before but first legal marriage and have a ceremonial style at a later date so I could "ask her Dad for permission"... LOL, after the fact, but I feel it's important before the ceremonial type.

We're walking home and all of a sudden she says "We should just get married" like... I thought she was joking form the way she said... like it was just paper-work...off-hand style.
But apparently I found she was feeling excited and spontaneous and that would have been the moment RIGHT there to say "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" and then we'd jump around hugging and kissing BUT

I just started asking questions to "authenticate the statement" as I always do. My life is filled with people saying "Man you think too much" and that ****ed me off. She loves me for this despite the annoyances but in this case, it was the worst thing. My mind just starts going... you know, why is she so fun-fun about it, its a serious thing all about love bla-bla..I didn't just let it happen and ask the simplest of questions, I began asking what she meant and that it didn't sound like anything more than paper-work the way she said it bla-bla-bla.

So I missed this... and it later in the evening after more talk, really upset her and ... I missed her ship JUST ABOUT coming into port! I am really upset. I was planning to ask her soon myself but NOW WHAT?!!!

Please help, professionals and peers.... I really need it. I hate myself and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

So you have a problem with insecurity? I think there are two people you should be talking to: a counsellor, and your GF/fiancée.

Please help, professionals and peers.... I really need it. I hate myself and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

There is almost always something you can do about it. I've screwed up a lot in life, but I've always found some way to bounce back. If you hate yourself right now, you can get over it with time, or with action to make things right.

If I understand correctly, you were going to ask her to marry you at some point in the near future, she kind of beat you to it and wanted to get married spontaneously, and you questioned her casual nature about it and overanalyzed things, this causing problems between the two of you. I hope that is correct.

Anyway, all I can tell you to do is what I would do if it was me, and assuming that I'm understanding correctly what you said.

If I were you, I would just be honest. I would go to her and tell her how I felt after the fact. I've found that you really have to have good communication as an ADDer with a spouse, or spouse to be. Honesty is the best policy, just tell her that you feel horrible and hate yourself for overanalyzing things, and that the reality is that you do want to marry her. Tell her you were caught off guard, and although your heart may have wanted to go get married, your brain had other plans and started causing you to question things because sometimes it has a mind of its own. Just be open with her, tell her how you really feel and that you messed up. If she can't accept that, then you guys would have a rocky relationship forever anyway. I can't tell you how many times I have had to go to my wife and explain things, because she doesn't understand how I act or react at times, and she always appreciates it when I'm honest and let her know where I was coming from. If she didn't, we would just have a marriage of misery at that point, because things would spiral out of control. She knows I'm a good person, regardless of what I might say or how she might take something that I've said. So, when I go back and we discuss it, she can believe what I have to say and everything is okay.

I hope that helps, but don't hate yourself man. You messed up, you are allowed to in life. It isn't how many times you fall that matters, it is how many times you get back up. So, get up and go get your girl and let her know what the real deal is so that she can understand. The longer you wait to clear things up, the more of a mess they can become.

So, that is what I would do. Others might do something different.

do what you were planning. and make an effort to be more spontaneous and sometimes just accept her for being light-hearted. I don't know personally but I would think if you're going to marry someone you have to trust them to be saying what they mean, and not question them about everything.

she likes you, a lot, for real. just let her.

This advice of course could be completely wrong - consider the source here- but I actually wanted to tell you that it's ok to hate yourself sometimes. If you hate yourself for something then use the hate (hahaha I feel like the emperor here) but use your hate to accomplish something, harness it and use it to spur yourself to change the things you don't like. Hope that's helpful...works for me.

do what you were planning. and make an effort to be more spontaneous and sometimes just accept her for being light-hearted. I don't know personally but I would think if you're going to marry someone you have to trust them to be saying what they mean, and not question them about everything.

reesah, this is excellent advice for the OP.

I have developed numerous coping strategies to deal with my ADHD, one of the most important one is structure and order in a physical and sheduling sense. It serves me well, for the most part. I know where to find things, and I know where I need to be, and what time.

However, there is a negative side to this high degree of structure. I have a difficult time transitioning when expected schedules change abruptly. To maintain order in my mind, I attempt to control my surrounding environment. When "life" happens, it throws my idea of what is, and what should be, in to disarray.

When dealing with people, this is going to happen often. We are all predictably unpredictable. Toss into this insecurity and you have defense mechanisms popping up all over, as well as a seemingly chaotic event destroying your perception of how things are.

I can feel insecure at times, but I have come to recognize it when it happens, and work with it internally before it shows to others.

But the transitions are still difficult, and I deal with them daily. I have found that I have to be self-aware enough to recognize it happening, and be aware that it's not as bad as I believe. Given a bit of time, I can accept the change. It usually isn't as bad it it seems, it just takes a restructuring of my perceptions.

It seems that the GF's discussion of marriage threw the OP's perception into chaos. That's ok, as long as he can learn to recognize it, and not impulsively get defensive and accusatory.

Good luck, eric.

Don't do yourself down.....

Marriage is something you should REALLY REALLY think about, and since ADD is involved I mean REALLY think about.

Marriage is big it's important.... why??

Marriage -> kids

Impusivity and marriage are a very bad mix.. trust me on this.

Kids and ADD can be a very bad mix..... trust me on this.

You were dead right to be wary.... sounds like you're sixth sense kicked in and said....

Great... good time to chat seriously about this so i can make my mind up

While she just wanted..... "YES"

If she got upset at what happened..... Ding a ling a ling.... she got upset at you.. well you are you are you and you were being you.....so don't beat yourself up about it... she wants to settle down with you so ..... she'll be used to you being you and love you for being you and she'll get over it. (If she doesn't then maybe you just had a lucky escape)

Maybe you have to love you as much as you love her.

and Oh yeah.... people telling you you think too much...... they might think its a fault....

it's not

That's one BIG complement they just paid you.......

They're really saying "You make me insecure because you use your brain more than me"

It's like people telling me I'm being too careful and safety conscious....! I just happen to like being alive I don't want my future life to involve carrying the pain of making a decision that resulted in someone, or me, being seriously hurt.

And one last thing.... if you're less than 30 years old don't get married.. just have fun...

'cos it's just a piece of paper..... a highly dangerous piece of paper that seems to make kids appear 2 years later..... dunno why.... kinda odd for a piece of paper and a party to have that effect on humans..... and kinda odd for such beautiful and natural things as kids to have such a negative effect on many loving relationships.


kilted....

........who impulsively asked someone to marry him while waiting for the traffic lights to change and now has kids.

so the question isnt about why she should marry you .. because of the insecurities you've mentioned. the question is, how can someone take marriage so lightly when it's so much more meaningful to you .. right? you're more upset by her approach rather than her agreeance in wanting to marry you. maybe im off-beat with this one.

if i were you, let it ride. dont dissect it to death. remind her that you love her on a regular basis, keep doing the things you've been doing to make this relationship flourish .. and when you ARE ready to propose to her in the all-traditional sense, maybe tell her then what marriage means to you.. why you want to marry her.. why you see it as more than shouffled paperwork.. why you see a strong foundation between you both.. on your knee.. and ask her.

This is all very good advice so I can't thank everyone enough...
She was out-of-sorts all day and I pretty much wanted to say "Let's do it!" but ... timing...

So after we talked some more tonight, she told me that she has been very excited and spontaneous.. well ok, I didn't get it.
But she's in a lot of emotional pain since she's here "ding aling" on a visitor VISA and everything she's tried has failed...

So, she's really upset about THAT and understands that I was waiting and trying to do the right thing.. I mean I had a date set in my Palm but things weren't so hot, she was having rejecetion after rejection for research grants. It's really a lot to do about that.

But frankly, we had discussed marriage many months ago and I was just waiting until I felt like I was taking care of anger and really important things. I am, and it was just about that time...but. Yesterday she found out the gov web site had misleading information and by admission of at the Department so.

Well, she just wanted to sleep so she went to sleep and I couldn't so I thought I'd come to good ol here to see what was happening.

Our ties are bloody strong and we've been building a life together very progressively and mean everything to each other so I'll see what it's like in the morning. I really want to go for it frankly. It's just heartbreaking to have a moment like that ruined.

Good. Lord.

This is all very good advice so I can't thank everyone enough...
She was out-of-sorts all day and I pretty much wanted to say "Let's do it!" but ... timing...

So after we talked some more tonight, she told me that she has been very excited and spontaneous.. well ok, I didn't get it.
But she's in a lot of emotional pain since she's here "ding aling" on a visitor VISA and everything she's tried has failed...

So, she's really upset about THAT and understands that I was waiting and trying to do the right thing.. I mean I had a date set in my Palm but things weren't so hot, she was having rejecetion after rejection for research grants. It's really a lot to do about that.

But frankly, we had discussed marriage many months ago and I was just waiting until I felt like I was taking care of anger and really important things. I am, and it was just about that time...but. Yesterday she found out the gov web site had misleading information and by admission of at the Department so.

Well, she just wanted to sleep so she went to sleep and I couldn't so I thought I'd come to good ol here to see what was happening.

Our ties are bloody strong and we've been building a life together very progressively and mean everything to each other so I'll see what it's like in the morning. I really want to go for it frankly. It's just heartbreaking to have a moment like that ruined.

Good. Lord.

Then it looks like you might have to create an even better moment. It is possible to plan something somewhat spontaneous, so put something together that will blow her away. Don't live in the past, even the not so distant past, you can't take that moment back but you can create one that you will both remember on your own. Right now, something spontaneous on your part may come as such a shock to her that it will mean even more. Just a thought.

Not on the same level whatsoever, but one time I bought my wife a watch that I thought she would like online. When it came, she couldn't wear it as it was just too big for her small wrists. So, while she was taking a shower, I hopped in the car, sped off to the shopping mall up the road, and bought her another watch that I new she had her eyes on. When she came out of the shower, I had just walked in the door with the new watch. I put the new one on her desk in our office, and told her that I found a way to resize the watch that I originally bought her. She was so surprised to see a completely different watch, even a more expensive one, sitting on her desk in place of the one that had disappointed her. The disappointment of one failed gift was made even better by the surprise of a spontaneous one. Take control, and you can make up for a mistake and create a great memory.

Eric, I am chiming in here spontaneously, and I may not help a lot. But, after reading your last post, I feel like I should say this.

If you already plan to ask, and you want to ask...then ASK her. It doesn't matter if it's the perfect time or place, or the ring is perfect or not (or if it even exists) or whatever. If you really, REALLY want to ASK her, and she WANTS to be with you, then go ahead and do it.

If the reason you are holding back is because you have doubts about a marriage at all, then by all means hold off. If you are scared about this one for some reason, or scared of that much commitment in general, then you need to wait.

BUT....if you know this is what you both want, and if she has told you she loves you and accepts you for who you are and how you behave at the times when you are at your worst....and if you can say the same thing about her...then waiting will just make you wish you had asked sooner.

Her light-hearted "just do it" response may just be proof that she has thrown all doubt to the wind and is saying "I ACCEPT YOU!" Get out of your own way, take it!

In this scenario, if it were me, I would be honored and touched to be offered a morning cup of coffee in bed by my love, on one knee, saying "marry me". But then again, I have an addiction to romance novels. :rolleyes::o

Take a breath. Don't analyze, just let your feelings come into your mind one by one, if you can. Do you really want this? It seems she wants you, and wants to be with you. You cannot decde for her, you can only decide for yourself.

Please keep us posted if you can. I feel for you, this is such a painful thing. But you are human, and not the only person to miss a chance. My DH and I were dating for 5 years when we had our own issue like this, and although it hurt me when he pushed aside my spontaneous plans, the reconciliation was all the sweeter for it. We celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary two days ago. :)

I wish you luck!

Would I be correct in assuming that she's here on a Visa and if she cannot get a research grant then she's on the next boat out of the country? I wonder if that was weighing on her spotaneous decision to get married.

How about you go to her country and see how things fare there?

Your relationship should be enhanced as you share such an experience... and both of you will gain much more insight into each other

kilted

If you hate yourself for something then use the hate (hahaha I feel like the emperor here) but use your hate to accomplish something, harness it and use it to spur yourself to change the things you don't like. Hope that's helpful...works for me.


I agree completely - I think my emotions should serve me not the other way around.



I am married to one of those individuals who thinks analyzing stuff takes all the fun out of it when for me analyzing stuff is the fun of it - you can make it as a couple but only with mutual acceptance