Hi, I'm new to this and I have had the following question...
My boyfriend for 2 yrs has ADD, and is not interested in intimacy or any romantic behavior at all.
He spends countless hours on the computer, since he is a programmer I do understand that much, but I myself am getting NO attention at all.
I have a very hard time every day, to ask him to stop working, and spend some private time with me.
Any idea or feedback as of HOW i can approach this isssue.
he used to take Ritalin, but quit because it said it made him feel lethargic, he does not take any meds as of this time.
Our relationship suffers because of it all, we DO get along, besides in that one area.

My husband doesn't have ADD but I was in the same situation. I'm sorry to say that it did not get resolved the way I had hoped. It's resolved now by my own complete disinterest in sex as well.

For me, his issue was with untreated anxiety and stress with no outlet. He did not see sex as a way to relieve stress, it was just one more thing to be pressured by. It's possible the anxiety could be worse than the ADD, so help what is most a hindrance to his life.

It sounds like a recipe for heartbreak to pursue a rel'p with a disinterested man.

Dr. Phil had a man on the other day who spent 80 hrs a week on his PC and ignored his family.

Sad.

Thanks for the reply's so far.
he is indeed interested don't get me wrong, but I mostly have to initiate it, or jump start it.
I don't push him to get "Busy" lol, and I give him his space, but when he stops on the computer he's so drained he wants to sleep right away.
It's also hard to get a conversation going with him, at any time, unless its computer related.
We do live together, and I had a very social life before I met him, now I find us always staying at home with him on the computer and me watching TV.
I dont mind him being busy all the time, I take my distance, but I dont want to live like i'm Non-Existant eighter, thats an answer I'm looking for.
What can I do just so he would initiate some passion lol.

You need to discuss it with him.

It could be a medical problem, maybe viagra will help, maybe not. Maybe he really is just too tired for it. In that case, he needs to get a little more rest before he does any more damage to the relationship. Maybe right now is a bad time because of work demands, maybe, maybe, maybe..... You really need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk.

good luck

ME :D

This isn't an intimacy problem - it's an addiction problem.

In the meantime just wander in nekid (when you judge it to be bedtime) and *whoops* 'I've dropped a sock, must pick it up'

http://addforums.com/forums/picture.php?albumid=280&pictureid=2272

I have no idea what you can do about computer addiction. Errrrrrrrrr.

wow, a guy uninterested in sex!?! ummm, sorry to be blunt, but things are not looking good for you! I would NEVER get married(hopefully you are not hoping to with this guy) with someone who wasn't interested in sex or intimacy!

my apologies in advance if I offend anyone with this, just trying to look at it from a different angle....

Could he be feeling the same way, that you guys have just got a bad case of "the ordinaries"?

Is he working on the computer or playing games or other stuff? I know with myself, when my wife and I hit a case of "the ordinaries" I do tend to spend more time on the computer just seeking some stimulation from everyday life. I still love my wife (a lot), but as a person, I need stimulation (and no, not sexual or pornographic, this forum usually offers enough stimulation for me to keep me from going bonkers).

Are you spending too much time together? Life needs to get shaken up a bit. Go out with your girlfriends and encourage him to have a "guys night out". Zap him out of the routine of the same old routine. Many relationships get caught in the same trap of feeling that they have to spend as much time together as possible.

just a few thoughts. lord, knows that living with someone with add is trying at best. I have no idea how my wife puts up with me. I know that there are times that i mimic your boyfriends behavior where my wife claims that I am too interested in the computer or a book or something else than paying attention to her as she wants. Usually just a shake up from the routine is enough to snap me out of it or a good heart to heart talk will remind me of what is important.

good luck

Well thank you everyone for the replies.
Yes indeed he works on the computer from home, he's a programmer.
I care a lot about him and thought his ADD was the only problem.

I tried to investigate some today after coming on these boards trying to get answers about his add........

We normally go fishing together in the evenings, always together.
It sais it relaxes him, and I can see that........
So this afternoon, I told him I was not going tonight and that I wanted him to have some sapce and time alone. and he agreed.

So after he left I checked his computer, and called up his email adresses, all 4 of them.....
There was nothing in the inbox, but the send items folder had plenty in it....
In there I found several emails send to gay males on Craig list, with the request to meet him on the river to have sex with him...........
So him being not interrested in sex is actually not just his add.......this man has a hidden secret!.

When he came home I asked why he was so nervous, with no reply from his side.............I told him if something was bothering him, that he could tell me whatever it was..........no reply, so I initiated sex with him, and that was better then it ever has been.!

What do you all think, is this add behavior, is he gay, Bi what you think?

BTW the man he was supposed to meet, I actually emailed him, and he cancelled his meeting with my man!
No wonder he was home so fast when the other party didn't show! lol

with all due respect, I was with you up until your last post. Now you sound like you just made it all up.

You're upset that there's no passion between you two. Then you find he's on craigslist looking for a dude. and you INITIATE SEX with him when he comes back from an alleged rendezvous with a dude? And it was "better than ever"... that sounds like something that came out of a magazine story.

You allege you emailed and canceled the meeting but still.. he still WENT. Meaning his intentions were to have sex with a man.

you said you and he agreed that he would go alone, but somehow he magically already knew this and had enough time to coordinate this tryst with some dude instead?

AND, you didn't fling the pc out the window when finding sent mails regarding dude seeking dude? You want passion, but him stepping out on you with a dude is ok? Most women, upon finding out their guy is not only wanting extra curricular activities, but with someone of the same sex, that they found via craigslist (ugh), would do one of only a few things... A. prepare for the press conference, B. find the nearest aluminum bat, or C. find other pain inducing device. You used "lol" far too much in your post for me.

Sounds like there's a FISHY story indeed going on here. I really hope you're not some wingnut abusing the good nature and graciousness of the folks here that did try to help you with your situation.

Nope, I said in the morning already that I would not go, so he had all day to set up the meeting.
He left at 6.15pm, when I found the email a few minutes later, so I replied back to it.
The gentleman in quNo its all very real, I know it sounds crazy and maybe to some of you it seems like something out of a magazune, but I assure you its not, It did really happen yesterday.
So I'm a bit stuck here.

Well thank you everyone for the replies.
Yes indeed he works on the computer from home, he's a programmer.
I care a lot about him and thought his ADD was the only problem.

I tried to investigate some today after coming on these boards trying to get answers about his add........

We normally go fishing together in the evenings, always together.
It sais it relaxes him, and I can see that........
So this afternoon, I told him I was not going tonight and that I wanted him to have some sapce and time alone. and he agreed.

So after he left I checked his computer, and called up his email adresses, all 4 of them.....
There was nothing in the inbox, but the send items folder had plenty in it....
In there I found several emails send to gay males on Craig list, with the request to meet him on the river to have sex with him...........
So him being not interrested in sex is actually not just his add.......this man has a hidden secret!.

When he came home I asked why he was so nervous, with no reply from his side.............I told him if something was bothering him, that he could tell me whatever it was..........no reply, so I initiated sex with him, and that was better then it ever has been.!

What do you all think, is this add behavior, is he gay, Bi what you think?

BTW the man he was supposed to meet, I actually emailed him, and he cancelled his meeting with my man!
No wonder he was home so fast when the other party didn't show! lol

so are you saying you don't mind him stepping out with men? since you did initiate sex after he left for what he thought was a meeting with another man for sex.

Nope, I said in the morning already that I would not go, so he had all day to set up the meeting.
He left at 6.15pm, when I found the email a few minutes later, so I replied back to it.
The gentleman in quNo its all very real, I know it sounds crazy and maybe to some of you it seems like something out of a magazune, but I assure you its not, It did really happen yesterday.
So I'm a bit stuck here.

this is indeed a quandary but my concern is that a. you don't seem to be very upset about it and b. your bf's sexual orientation one way or the other is not a result of his ADD.

someone may disagree but I do not feel your situation is a result of his ADD. if this is legit, then sounds to me like he's gay and still unwilling to accept it.

I was going to suggest he may be asexual (http://www.asexuality.org/home/index.php?option=com_content&task=section&id=6&Itemid=28). I guess it's still possible. If he suspects he's anything other than heterosexual, he might be trying to find out for sure by experimenting with men.

People are all different and react in different ways. We should remember that and also that people sometimes ask for advice on difficult and embarassng questions in oblique and indirect ways.

There's all sorts of issues in this, and seeking the assistance of a counsellor wold be a good first step. Doing a risk assessment and popping round to the local STD clinic might also be in order.

have a look at
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1424188/Moments-of-madness-that-ruined-Ron-Davies.html

... a psychiatric disorder that results in compulsive risk seeking.... hmmmm???

kilted

this is indeed a quandary but my concern is that a. you don't seem to be very upset about it and b. your bf's sexual orientation one way or the other is not a result of his ADD.

someone may disagree but I do not feel your situation is a result of his ADD. if this is legit, then sounds to me like he's gay and still unwilling to accept it.


No I am not upset about his sexual preference, I can deal with a bisexual man.
Thing is he should tell me because he puts himself and me in a higher risk category.
I know ths is not caused by his add, but he's always so quiet, like he's contemplating something.
as of STD's no problem, we use precautions, and we still get tested every four months, and he's a plasma donor, so they check him all the time also.
I can deal with it all just want him to be honest with me.
And I would go see a counselor, but how can I get him there when he's not ready to admit there's a problem!
see my case here.
And on the other hand maybe its time for me to move on, and let him figure out for himself what he wants, but i'm not like that, I never let anyone stranded.

DeloresMelon I understand you are expecting the "typical" reaction according to your vanilla world but the startling thing is we don't all live there. It is fine that you do but please do not assume we all do. I thought I had addressed this issue at nauseam

Most women, upon finding out their guy is not only wanting extra curricular activities, but with someone of the same sex, that they found via craigslist (ugh), would do one of only a few things... A. prepare for the press conference, B. find the nearest aluminum bat, or C. find other pain inducing device. You used "lol" far too much in your post for me.

but you forgot D E and F - D) follow him and take pics, E) see if the other guy has a girl and do a foursome F) threesome then there is G) which would be wtf! I think our member has chosen G - wtf.

I agree she is calmer than most women would be and asking if she is being genuine is one thing - it isn't surprising that "straights" would have a hard time understanding but accusation is a tad far to go. {IMHO}

How would you like to be accused of lying about your attention span issues? More people are bisexual and homosexual than are ADD/ADHD . . . when those who are accepting of such practices in their personal lives are included sexual preference diversity /acceptance is a lot more common. IN other ward her story is about as mathematically possible as our having ADD.



I can deal with it all just want him to be honest with me.

Agreed - Gary was looking at those Craig list women and it bothered me more that he tried to cover it then pull a guilt trip than the looking at them did Had he just kept doing what he was doing instead of acting like he was doing some thing wrong it would have bothered me a lot less = it is the honesty issue.

However my hubby looking at pix on a screen is a little less dramatic than what you are describing - you do know that in order for you to know where he is you are going to have to say some thing

How you are going to approach the computer intrusion topic????? ewww unless you share a computer but I some how doubt it if he is a programmer.Gary's was up on screen and he has one of those huge screens - sized "D"s are hard to miss on 20 inch screen :rolleyes:

Second thing is to maybe take into account his rearing - many have alternate sexual preferences however they are taught that these thing are "dirty" , "unmasculine", "sick" , perverted pick a sexually referenced slur but I think my point is made. Seeing as you do know him how possible is it that he simply feel this is an attraction he should be ashamed of?

Then you have to figure out where your own boundaries in all this are. How far are you willing to go with this - where is your line of acceptability end, what constitutes a deal breaker What do you need to know specifically to make a decision - if you leave where and when. If you stay exactly what do you need from him and in what time frame.


Best case scenario is to deal with your emotions before adding his - but this isn't some thing that needs to be swept under the carpet so I do not see a way of getting around an open discussion - the main idea being is a discussion with minimal destructive behaviors.

As far as ADD behavior – it isn’t indicative behavior – I mean any thing that requires planning and forethought is not a typical ADD behavior however the stimuli of risk taking may be a form of stimulus . . .. hence my husbands behavior is probably more of an ADHD thing – he isn’t doing any thing wrong but pretending he is – adrenaline tinglies

Darned if I do darned if I don’t MEN!


I hope this helps :)

i apologize monicatulsa. I guess i just don't understand your reaction. I would have reacted quite differently.

Thanks Kilted and Meadd823..... sometimes I only see things "my" way. :o

Hi,

at the risk of getting scolded for such old-school ideas ... I'd consider loosing him up via some drinks or since you know him best .. get him in the talkative and undefensive mood. suggest what ifs ...

tell him you've thought about a threesome ... ask him if he's into you're telling him what to do and then suggest oral sex with another man if you're there to coach.

you might freak him out. you might be freaked out at his answers. Worst case is it was a what if game you came across on the net that you thought would be fun.

bottom line is if you're okay with it then find a way to make him comfortable including you in it.

*reserve the right to be wrong. I'm coming down off what meds I know work and trying currently dex and its resulting so far in a lot more drinking and smoking and a lot less work done.

Some men can be so f'n stupid. I highly suggest ultimatums. If you want his attention, pack a bag and follow through.

Go to Couples Counseling check your local phone book I know they have something out their. you aren't the only person with this problem.