Hi,

I was wondering if anyone here has had problems remaining faithful in relationships and not reacting to the "ooohhhh shiny" impulse when meeting new, fun and attractive people. i have made a tremendous amount of stupid decisions due to my impulsiveness. I am currently in a relationship with a really wonderful amazing guy, but I'm starting to get distracted again!

I seem to have this problem where i can only be really turned on by new people and new situations and so i just can't get my level of desire back to where it was when i started this relationship. Its frustrating because i can easily get turned on by other people i've just met. This leads to all of my mislead adventures in infidelity.

I really love this one, he treats me like a queen and i don't want to mess it up!!!! anyone have similar problems?

While I empathize with your situation, I don't know if I personally can buy into the notion that ADD is the cause behind your infidelity. Distraction is one thing. Intimacy and being "turned on" is another. ADHD doesn't cause us to be unable to think, consider other people's feelings, or get turned on by our chosen partner. Chronic infidelity is a purposeful act, whether conscious or unconscious. Have you spoken to a therapist about these issues? The ADD is certainly a contributing factor in this, but I can't see it being the root cause. A therapist will be able to help you figure out why you have a hard time committing to your relationship.

When I was younger I had always had this problem and was never sure if it was a ocd or adhd thing....guess it could be either. Its more of an implusivity control issue, much like spending and whatnot. Extremes. Since with my hubby for over 8 years and being unfaithful the first few years and dealing with severe guilt I had. I have re-evaluted my life and try not to put myself in the situations where new exciting people are ...like bars,etc. I just dont go out without my hubby much. Kinda has to be more of a behavior modification thing in my opinon - like if your allergic to something lol!

That sounds really similar to what I'm going through. I seem to do alot better controlling it when I sit back and attribute it to having it be a big impulse control problem and not because there is something wrong with the relationship. It just made sense to me that other people with ADD might have other impulse issues.

I have issues with 'new' as well. Dont know what to do about it though... One thing though, the desire and acting on the desire are two seperate issues. I agree that therapy would be good or even an accountability partner/coach.

Its something you surely have to get control of if you have hopes of ever having a long term relationship...

I have a bit of that too, although I do have it under control somewhat by various factors: I don't go out much and the guys I find interesting are few and far between.
But I know logically, and emotionally, that I love my bf very much. I want to spend my life with him. I guess it's just the thrill of the chase- the little glances, the uncertainty. Sometimes my imagination runs wild! And I'm mostly fine with it.. as long as it remains in my imagination. I would never want to hurt my bf.

I had major issues with fidelity when I was young. I was a lot like men are. I had about 6 or 7 of guys and I would pick which one I wanted to go out with and then sleep with. Then when we were done I would leave and go home. I couldn't be with just one. They would ask me to stay the night and I would say no I just want to go home. I wouldn't commit to one because prior to all of this I would cheat on all my boyfriends.

Now that I am married and medicated I am in a much better place. What I did when I was younger was show my inability to control my impulses and I enjoyed new fun hot men. Omg I feel like a w*ore.

It was a lot of fun and I have found happiness with my husband. I have had opportunities to cheat and have emotional affairs but I choose not too. It is just not worth giving up my husband and totally messing up my daughters life.

I can empathize, although I think that as an adult you really have to get a hold of this before you embark on a long term relationship with someone when it's a very real possibility you could hurt them. I am also very distracted and get bored quickly in relationships, but I would never hold onto something that I was bored with and still be looking around elsewhere. I think you should definitely see a therapist about it, and if you don't think you can be faithful and you want to, remove yourself from situations where you feel you could be tempted. (Like going out with new crowds of people without your significant other...)

Goodluck.

I think you just have to remind yourself of the upside you get from a committed relationship. I think we all have our 'oooh shiny' moments, and surely for we ADDers it's worse...

I think maybe having had a couple of really agonizing breakups can help. You know exactly what's going to happen and how crappy you're going to feel, and it helps you avoid the impulse. That was my experience, anyway.

I'm happy to see that this has stayed at the top of the forum list. It makes me realize that other people have the same impulses and issues too. I've been on meds for a little over a month now, and its really interesting to see how much more focused on my partner I've been. I'm not perfect still because obviously this comes from other issues as well, but it just seems like something that's manageable now. I feel like its easier to stop and take other people's feelings into consideration instead of just having this constant me me me impulse.

What kind of things have other people done to keep their happy and healthy relationships strong?

Oh yes, definitely.

I can't give much good advice on healthy relationships and fidelity yet. Not quite there myself.

I found that I have a problem with dramatic, unhealthy relationships too. Apparently this is stimulation seeking stuff as well. I'm easily bored. And when I'm bored... I stray.

For now, I'm relationship free and trying to stay away from hopping around this time. I'm trying to learn to actually date and hope to be able to maintain a healthy happy monogamous relationship and not act on the "oooh! shiny!" urges anymore.

Therapy is good. It can be hard to find one that doesn't look down on you though. Or isn't too easily shockable. Lol. I think I've scared more than my fair share. The one I have now is awesome though.