So, I have a history of making bad relationship choices. Dating men that turn out to be abusive, manipulative, mean, etc. I'm an impulsive person (duh!) and over the years this impulsiveness has gotten me into quite a few tough situations....I'm sure a lot of you can relate. Well, my impulsiveness got me into a marriage I have regretted pretty much since it happened. I dated the guy for a year, I already had a daughter and he was amazing to both of us. We moved in with him and it was good for a while...it started to get bad so slowly, so discreetly that I didn't really notice at first. Everyone else saw it, I was blind to it. Anyways, we got married and it got BAD. He doesn't hit me, just yells a lot about stupid things. Things that are beyond my control. Calls me names. Tells me I'm worthless. A piece of sh*t. Ignores me for days on end. We had another child and shortly after Bean was born, we separated. I filed for divorce and were pretty much done except for signing the papers. My stipulation for us getting back together was that he HAD to see a therapist and possibly get put on some meds, which he did. We postponed the divorce to take it slow and see what happened. He put on a good show of trying to do better. He was the same guy I fell in love with for a while and I let my guard down. We got back together and the pattern repeated itself. Again and again...
I know, after splitting up so many times, I should have had the brains to realize it was never going to change but I was crushed. I felt exactly like the person he had been telling I was. Worthless and stupid. A bad mother. You name it, he probably called me it.
Just recently, I went out of town for the weekend for a bachelorette party for my best friend. He had been on my *ss about taking my daughters father back to court for more money (money has always been a HUGE issue with him) for about a week. Because I didn't do it, while I was out of town, he turned my cell phone off. I was 3+ hours away from my kids while a tropical storm was blowing through our town. When I got back and demanded my phone be turned back on, he informed me my car was also disabled and I needed to find some quarters, walk my *ss to the nearest pay phone to arrange a ride for my daughter to get to school the next day. He also took my computer. I had to agree to do things "his" way in order to have my things back. During that following week, he called me every 30 minutes to badger me until I did everything on his list. Needless to say, I was a wreck.
(gosh this is getting long)(sorry)
I finally went to the Dr, got some meds and am getting therapy. I'm finally actually "seeing" things the way they are. Not through a cloudy veil and what I'm seeing, sickens me. You see, I knew the things he was doing was wrong but I just didn't have the strength, emotional or mental, to battle it. I just let him do and say whatever he wanted.
Until this morning.
He started yelling at me about his towel not being in the bathroom. That at least once a week his towel is missing. Well duh, I DO need to wash it! I started to tell him not to worry, I would get him a towel but what came out was "You know what?" and he spun around and yelled WHAT?!?!? It was a strange feeling....I stuck my finger out towards him and told him he was a baby. That the world did not revolve around him and it wouldn't kill him to get his own freakin towel. To stop yelling at me for petty sh*t and to grow up. He slammed into the other bathroom and stomped back to his glaring at me and yelling at me to NEVER EVER AGAIN PUT MY FINGER IN HIS FACE (I was across the room). I followed him and he tried to slam the door in my face but I was having none of that. I told him (with my finger actually in his face this time) that his days of treating me like sh*t are numbered. I was tired of it, tired of him and although our expectations of him being nice are low to none, he needed to reconsider his actions and actions the next time he decided to open his mouth. He was shocked....his face was, I don't know, shocked. I walked out. When he was done with his shower he informed me he was done talking to me for the day...I told him that was fine by me. I didn't really like talking to him anyways.
It felt good.
D*mn good.

LEAVE HIM...............NOW!

Someone that will try to cut you off from the outside world, disable your car, things like that, is capable of hurting you very badly. Get away from him, don't antagonize him. Standing up for yourself feels good, but in this case, he may have the physical upper hand, and mentally he seems very unstable. Kids don't need to be in that environment, they don't need to see their mom treated like that, and you don't want them to learn that he is an example of how to treat a lady.

Abuse is abuse. He may not be hitting you with fists, but he is hitting you with verbal jabs, and has you in an emotional head lock. That is verbal and emotional abuse, plain and simple. If he finds out those things don't work anymore, he may try to control you further with whatever means he can. This guy sounds scary to me. People that can flip personalities like that are too volatile.

You mention that he tried to slam the door in your face, and that you put your finger in his. It sounds like things are escalating, getting somewhat physical by nature. Get out, get away, and DO NOT look back. I'm not one to usually advocate leaving at all, but you mentioned that you have a hard time seeing things, and this guys sounds really close to breaking in a scary way. Standing up for yourself may only escalate things.

Take your kids, and find a safe haven somewhere. If you can't find the strength to do it for yourself, do it for your kids.

I agree. You should leave. This is decidedly unhealthy.

I DO plan on leaving. I'm a stay at home mom with no income, horrible credit and a lifetime of self doubt. I just applied for a credit card and have been hoarding money away for some time. There is a plan and a good one....I guess I got a little carried away with my new found insight and inner strength! :rolleyes:

Woman on the verge,

What would you do if someone were treating your child this way? Insert your child's name in the paragraph above that you just wrote about what was done to you...... No only would you not stand for it , you wouldn't allow your child around this person.

Here's something else to consider.... whatever your children are growing up around is what they think is normal and is what they will allow into their lives - do you really want your child to think it is ok for people/men to treat them this way?

All you ever knew and what you think is normal is what you grew up around... what were your parents like?

I now wonder too - Could this roaring energy inside of us - this ADD - be why we can't date the nice, calm normal guys - they just bore us?

Character disordered people can be entertaining and can be fun if they aren't violent esp for people like us that have to be entertained but we don't want to live with them or maybe even be close friends with them and we need to learn how to let them entertain us and feed our energy but not hurt us.

This guy is not in this category. He is a control freak - and control freaks are that way because of insecurity...what was his family like? He's treating you like he was treated....

I hope my suffering and many bad choices can help someone....esp one who sounds so young....I will be thinking of you hoping you have the strength to make the right choices. I would love to chat more.....if you like.


Marshzizzle

"There is no new pain in the world - it is only recycled".

Woman,

I just saw your post - good for you. I'm not sure where you live but here are some ideas ...have you checked United Way? they have referrals to many community agencies in your area that can help you - legal (free or reduced) help, job training, domestic abuse groups, women's shelters. Also - I'm not sure about your educational background but ....if there a community college nearby - check that out - Ours has an outstanding career, job placement, training, etc and also with connections to community groups that can help you. Our local one even has a special dept for women. there are lots of 2 yr or 1 yr training programs tied to our local economy - medical, etc. and you can go from there - work, more training etc whatever you decide. I'll see what else I can think of .....

Stop for one minute and give your self a BIG ATTA GIRL. You are special and you are a survivor, you are smart - you have a plan, saving money... so many people (women) don't do anything.

I am keeping you in my thoughts, saying contsant quiet prayers for your continued strength and courage to make the right choices and for you and your childrens safe keeping.

When you feel discouraged or overwhelmed, keep in mind that you are changing the lives of your children and their children.... you are breaking the pattern...

Stay strong, think positive. I will chat whenever you want.

(I LOVE your Jack Kerouac statement - i'm copying it)

Woman on the verge,

Here's something else to consider.... whatever your children are growing up around is what they think is normal and is what they will allow into their lives - do you really want your child to think it is ok for people/men to treat them this way?

All you ever knew and what you think is normal is what you grew up around... what were your parents like?

This guy is not in this category. He is a control freak - and control freaks are that way because of insecurity...what was his family like? He's treating you like he was treated....

Marshzizzle

I think about the effect it will have my babies every day. My daughter is old enough to understand what's going on and know that it's wrong. I try very hard to keep it away from her but we all know it's impossible. She's so very intuitive and even though I put up a good front, she instinctively knows when something is wrong.
I have sat her down numerous times and explained to her (in the best way you can to a 5 yr old) that the way he acts isn't right. That using hurtful words against someone you love is wrong and causes their heart to hurt badly. She gets it....such a smart cookie!:)

I come from a broken home...so many do. Stressed out mom, horrible step-dad, non-existent biological father, mom had boyfriend that abused her, myself and my little sister. She's finally happily married to a wonderful man.

His mom died from breast cancer when he was 12 and his dad was/is a raging alcoholic and drug addict. Even wen his mom was alive they moved around a lot. After she passed away he got much worse. He drove trucks for a living and got a number of DUIs, leaving him and his sister responsible for paying the mortgage and whatnot while they were still teenagers in high school. My father-in-law is the grumpiest, meanest old man I've ever met. Zero respect for women, really for anyone and life in general. I know WHY my husband acts this way. I know why I'm attracted to guys like him....I'm ready to change that.

Oh, my God!!

LEAVE; LEAVE, LEAVE!!

I can´t say this strongly enough.

I don´t know anything about you since I have not read your other posts. I guess you are an ADD woman since you are here.

So I´d just like to share this.

I think that many ADD women need to much more careful to avoid abusive men than other women. (And what you describe is abuse.)
Why?

These are some typical issues that make you vulnerable:

Forgetfulness- you forget how mean he was when he treats you nicely. NTs do NOT forget.

Inattentiveness-which often includes your own needs and your own feelings

Low self esteem- many women with ADD struggled so much not knowing what is wrong, so they tend to blame themselves also for the things other people are responsible for.

Lots of empathy-makes you understand instead of putting your foot down

Trouble showing aggression- some kinds will not understand anything else than counter aggression.

Fogginess and overwhelm- makes you not relalize what is going on until it is too late. And controlling people sure like that.

Need for a thrill- abusive, controlling people are seldom that dull. You never know what they are up to, so at least you get the satisfaction from that. This is not crazy, this is how the ADD mind works. (which is perhaps part of the reason such women choose the same thing over and over.)

And I could just go on and on.

Being a woman with ADD myself, I really hate seeing these things happen to women. You are not alone, but you don´t have to be one of them. And also, you have a responsability to teach your sensitive daughter how to avoid being one of them. For her sake too, lead the way, get out.

So what you should do:

Don´t trust your ADD brain to handle this.
Your history shows that you cannot afford to trust too much in yourself.
Get help from other people who can tell you again and again that you are right, and he is wrong. Have guardians around you tell it to you again and again (hearing things from other people can sometimes make things stick in the ADD brain).
Read up on abuse, there are lots of books.
Learn to trust your emotions.

And, finally, it is great that you find your aggression, and get back at him, but I would also be a bit careful with that. First get out.

Remember we love you.

You deserve better than this.

Remember we love you.

You deserve better than this.


Sarek,
If I could hit the Thank You tab a gazillion times, I would. That is so very sweet...

And please update regularly so we know that you're ok.

Woman on the Verge in my past I managed to get caught up with countless abusive partners so understand how easily it happens without you realising, even when you think you're looking for it you still seem to miss it staring right at you.

I will tell you this, I was never really sure how I was going to get out of the last one, I tried a few things on the side but nothing seemed to work the way I needed it too in order to break away. Eventually something snapped similar to what you describe above and everything changed. Its really important you hold on to how you feel right now and use that energy to move away from the situation in whatever way you can.

It took me a while to get myself in order but in the time that followed I lived alone and actually found out who I was, its strange but I never realised that I didnt know who I was until I found me.

Move on, put your children and you at #1 and take each day as it comes. You'll wake up one morning and realise a lot of time has passed, it wasnt as hard as you imagined and you actually enjoy sitting in your own home relaxing with your kids reading, watching TV whatever it is without fear of someone walking through the door yelling the odds because someone dared not put something precisely where they were meant to etc. Along the way you will learn who you are, and in doing so you'll find that you wont make the same mistakes again because your newly found self worth wont allow you to setlle for such rubbish again.

I'm now happily married enjoying a supportive relationship the sort I never realised existed before.

Let us know how things go and I'll be thinking of you :)

Oh please get out soon. I have been in many relationships that you are discribing and I know just how you feel. Take care of yourself.

It's crazy weird to be getting so much support from strangers....I certainly never expected so many responses and kind words.
Thanks to all...it's really so appreciated.

I personally have found that a lot of people rejected me as a child and adult, due to my ADD behaviour.

I wonder if (assuming you have been through the same rejections as a result of add behaviour putting ppl off you) that being in relationships like this is not so much due to ADD behviour, but more due to low self esteem/self worth, which you have aquired, as a result of the rejection you have suffered - because of your ADD behaviours?

I know for me I have put up with a lot of **** from men, and its because I feel desperate not to be abandoned by them. And im pretty sure that desperation comes from being 'abandoned' so many times by friends and partners, who were fed up wtih my ADD behaviour (but i couldnt see that i just saw everyone abandoning me).

Have others encountered this?

I mean I have read a few messages here and other forums from people saying they have lost friends alienated people and never knew why till diagnosis.... that experience of having so many people pull away, and basically tell you ' i dont like you or want to be around you' is very very hurtful, especially when you dont understand why, and I think it would be pretty unusual if it DIDNT, muck us up emotioally....

basically we are just reacting to life long experience of being abandoned and feeling worthless....

And

Kimmy,
As a child/adolescent I didn't have many friends, if that's what you mean. I had 2 friends in grade school, we moved so I lost them. I had some acquaintances in high school but they were mainly just "party" buddies. I never really felt connected to my peers.I know a lot of it was because I was too intense (still can be). It wasn't until I was nearing my 20's that I made true lasting friendships. (BTW I dated my husband in high school) The friends I made then have lasted almost a decade.
I'm not really sure, and I feel kinda weird saying this but maybe it's "daddy issues". My bio dad abandoned my me and my mom, the guy she married, and who adopted me, was abusive. I HATED him for sooo long. Hmmm. Mostly still do. When they divorced, I got in contact with the bio and and he was seriously disappointing. He was married and he and my mom had an affair and his wife forbid him from having contact with us again. I am in contact with him now but I severed all emotional ties to him years ago. My mom then had a boyfriend that abused us all. Me sexually, my mom and little sister physically. I guess you could say that every "adult" man in my life up until I was about 12-13 treated me in an inappropriate sexual manner then abandoned me.
This isn't a pity party or my trying to get anyone to feel sorry for me. It's something that happened to me and I am FINALLY getting the help I need to move past this stuff. I've been in and out of therapy for clost to 20 yrs but because of issues other than my adhd, I was never really receptive to it.
Gah, it feels weird talking/writing about it. I don't think this would have been possible a month or so ago. I have another appt with my phsyc Dr today and I'm excited to start relieving some of the pressure I've been feeling.
Also, I was reading a thread started by MaddMike in the Non-ADD Spousal Support Forum and a lot of his behaviors towards his wife reminds me of my husbands behavior towards me. I truly believe, as stated in a previous, above post, that his upbringing has so much to do with how he responds to me. You repeat the cycle, ya know? I'm not condoning his actions nor making excuses for him. The way he treats me is WRONG, I'm just looking for some answers.
Thanks again to everyone for their support!:)

Even though you don´t´wrote these things to make people feel sorry for you, I still feel sorry that these things happen and that it happened to you. It just makes me so angry too.
Know that you can get the help you need. Get lots of help so that it never happens again. Step out of the vicious cycle.
Patricia Evans have some good books about controlling people and verbal abuse.
Learn the patterns so you can recognize them.
And I think it is great that you have started seeing a psych about it.

NOW is the time to change things.

Woman on the Verge..... I was thinking about u today.... let us know u r ok...soon ok?

I'm doing ok. Things were going ok for a short while, he was spending a lot of time in the garage away from me. The last few days we spent time together and his anger has escalated drastically in just a few short days. Some friends were over Friday night and I was out with my sister. One of the friends stated to his wife that the chage in my husband when I came was so palpable. It was like night and day. He went from being happy go lucky to angry in a matter of seconds. This friend found it so strange and uncomfortable, he left shortly after I got there. My husband verbally attacked my sister that night, so I did stand up for her. He was so mad at me and after she left he found a number of reasons to scream at me. We went to my best friends wedding Sat night and he got so drunk he decided to tell quite a few people how much he hates me. Not only that but he cornered my dad at one point for close to half an hour talking about how awful I am and how much money I spend etc. He completely embarassed me and ended up having to be taken home early because he was so wasted he couldn't even stand up. He woke me up last night to have sex and was drunk again. I told him no, that if he couldn't spend time with me and be nice to me I didn't really feel like having sex with him. He got really mad at me and told me there was nothing else I do for him. If I wouldn't "service" him, he wanted nothing to do with me. That spending time with me was of no interest to him because I don't "intrigue" him. He can't think of any reason he should spend time with me.
I'm getting considerably more concerned as it seems the situation is escalating quickly along with his consumption of alcohol. I realize I need to get out now. The plan I had made was going to take some time but I don't feel I have any time at this point. I am truly scared. :mad:

GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE NOW! There's bound to be shelters and such near enough to help you. Or your Dad? But get out!

Woman on the Verge you need to contact a womens refuge and leave NOW!!

Once in a refuge you will have time in a safe environment to consider your next move more carefully but until you are in that safe situation your immediate concern must be to leave.

In light of recent events leaving now should also see the full unquestioned support of all around you who have also had the displeasure of seeing this side of him recently.

I realise a womens refuge doesnt sound nice but I speak from experience and can tell you that they are not how you imagine, you will be living in an environment of great support from people who have been through the same and are leaving similar living environment to your own. The support staff working within them are also excellent and I cannot speak more highly of the ones who worked with me, not only in listening to me talk on and on about it all but in practical ways with sorting forms, landlords and so on.

Please do it, place the call, explain the circumstances and go even if only with the cloths you're wearing.

Thinking of you, take care

These people are right woman on the verge. There really is nothing more for you there, nothing to stay for. Pack up and go.

Demanding a woman leave immediately can actually put her in more danger. Women are at highest safety risk in the first 18 months after making it known they are exiting a rel'p. We have had a number of DV (domestic violence) inquests in my province on this matter.

Better to make a safety plan and build your resources and information and key contacts up first.

Demanding a woman leave immediately can actually put her in more danger. Women are at highest safety risk in the first 18 months after making it known they are exiting a rel'p. We have had a number of DV (domestic violence) inquests in my province on this matter.

Better to make a safety plan and build your resources and information and key contacts up first.

I was somewhat taken aback by your post that I've typed, deleted and retyped my response many times.

The situation is beyond a plan, even the lady in question has come to understand that and while the situation may get worse before it gets better that isnt a reason not to act.

Your post reads more as if to instil fear than provide support, probably not your intention but non the less how it reads.

If women on the verge seeks support from services such as womens refuge she will be provided a secure place to stay and will be safer than she is now and please do not be under any illusion that he will be any happier with her upping and leaving without a plan than with, either way will be the hardest thing she's ever done but equally the most important and something she will need full support in.

Some people have had to deal with this kind of life and I can say with first hand experience that had I thought I had the support I needed I would never have stuck with it so long as I did.

Alright...I decided to "talk" to him yesterday via text messages while he was at work. I think it went ok.
I started it by telling him his behavior lately is scaring me. That I am afraid to be alone with him and that the anxiety caused by all of this is negating the treatment he pushed so hard for me to get. He wanted to know what he was doing to scare me and I explained the behaviors. It seems like he dug down pretty deep inside himself with the responses he gave me. It took some time and a lot of repetition on my part but it feels like we may have made some headway.
He DID say that he needed projects to keep from going crazy and the project he's been working on has taken over his life. (Um..hello!? I know that. I'm the one stuck with the kids 24/7 with no help!) He said he would spend more time with us/them and he would try to be nicer to me. I told him if he couldn't be nice and treat me respectfully, he could continue to stay outside. Out of mine and the kids way. It was better having him non-existent in our lives than to have him stressing us all out daily with his nastiness.
When he got home last night, I could see he was trying hard. It wasn't great by any means but an improvement non the less. I'm very skeptical that any progress made will stick. We have had talks in the past about his actions and he tries for a while and things are great but he always slides back down. It starts slowly picking up speed as the days go by.
I think I'm going to email him some information about ADD/ADHD and the effects his can have on his life if it's not handled properly. Also some information on misogyny and see how he takes that. I know he's so unhappy with himself and the way he acts, he just doesn't know how to fix it and doesn't put any effort into researching it.
I am NOT saying that I am staying! My feelings have reached a point that I just don't think forgiveness is an option here. I don't think I could ever feel the kind of love for him a wife should have for her husband again. Plus, I don't believe I could ever really trust him again. I DO however want him to get the help he needs. He is, after all, the father of my child and will most likely be a big part of his life. I don't want the influence in Jack's life to be one of rage and self-hate.
I will keep everyone posted on what is going on around here. Once again. Thanks for all of your support!

Well, I had a few hours of reprieve at least. He has now decided the birthday party we planned for my daughter this Sunday is too expensive and now I have to plan something different. I also have to tell her we won't be having her party at the zoo. :mad: This is going to suck so badly.

Thanks for the update :)

As much as I would like to think you were out of the situation and safe I do fully understand why you are still there at this time.

Re the party: assuming money is his only objection maybe you could ring the zoo and explain that you've had other very competative offers? and that you would prefer to keep the party with them but given the cost are struggling to justify doing so. With such short notice they are unlikely to be able to fill your spot so possibly willing to offer a deal to ensure you still go ahead.

It might be worth having some fake figures to hand though in case they ask what sort of deal you've been offered.

Hope it works out :)

I left him this evening.
I saw a therapist today that coincidentally or not, however you look at it happens to be an abuse specialist.
The statistics she gave me and even more so the look on her face, scared me to death. She was very worried and very scared for me.
I left feeling an overwhelming since of relief having been validated. I have been feeling crazy and like maybe I was being overly dramatic.
Apparently I wasn't and I had every reason to be as frightened as I have been.
I couldn't stay another night and I knew it.
I'm so tired tonight and so need a good nights sleep.

Just hope you're safe now. None of us ever believed you were acting crazy. You did the right thing.

I am so glad to hear that truly I am

Its quite normal to question whether its really that bad (or whether you are somehow to blame) and you will question that again in the coming weeks and months. I wont pretend leaving is easy or that the next few months will be either but the rewards in your own self asteam, self worth not to mention having a good life etc will know no bounds.

Take care of yourself :)

It really will get easier now. Oddly enough, I found myself having a major headache after I left (almost 20 years ago). I apparently had been in such major stress that my head, neck and shoulders were tensed up really bad and when I left and the stress left with me, my body was totally un-used to NOT being stressed and I sort of had a reverse stress headache where all my tensions left. It was strange, but after about a week, I was over it and headed on to a better life. I had a 7-yo daughter at the time and she has since thanked me profusely for doing what I did. Hang in there. Glad you're ok.

DANG GIRL! I feel ya, I really do! I can soooooo relate to you and everything that your going through. I hate reading, I HATE reading but I actually read your posting straight through. (wow, for me.) I myself have been thought very simular situations, tell you more about it if you wanna know. Do you think that its the adhd that could possibly draw or attract us to relationships that have a high percentage of ending up bad? Are you friends with any of your x's or did most of them end up on a nonfriendly end? Are you an only child or do you have other siblings that are more "calm"? The reason why I ask is because Im the one in my family with adhd while the rest of my siblings do not apprear to have adhd. Anyways, I hope your situation gets better. Do you find that the times when you are away or seperated form your husband, even though maybe be lonely or painful, you in a way better yourself and get more done?

I had been thinking about deleting this thread for a few days because I realized he was snooping. Not that I have anything to hide but I knew if he came across this he would be angry. I'm glad I didn't.
I realize that the coming weeks and months will be really hard and I have to say, I think I'm ready for it. I have been living under his thumb for so long, it feels good to breathe air that doesn't come with such a high price. I know the elation will wear off quickly and the full realization of what was, is and will be is going to come crashing down. But...Remember that plan? Still in place. Some aspects of it just got pushed up a little in the time frame.
The hardest part was explaining to my daughter why the police showed up and why we left. I was honest with her and it hurt like h*ll but it had to be done. I know in a week or so she'll be happy with this. When she's not being yelled at for every little thing....
A big thank you and hugs to everyone who has supported me in this!
Much love to you.

We will still be here if you need more support. Just tell us.

That therapist must have been Godsent!!
I am so relieved you don´t know.
Please be on guard still and don´t go to see him alone or let him into your place.
Keep seeing that therapist!!
Keep posting.

I had been thinking about deleting this thread for a few days because I realized he was snooping. Not that I have anything to hide but I knew if he came across this he would be angry. I'm glad I didn't.
I realize that the coming weeks and months will be really hard and I have to say, I think I'm ready for it. I have been living under his thumb for so long, it feels good to breathe air that doesn't come with such a high price. I know the elation will wear off quickly and the full realization of what was, is and will be is going to come crashing down. But...Remember that plan? Still in place. Some aspects of it just got pushed up a little in the time frame.
The hardest part was explaining to my daughter why the police showed up and why we left. I was honest with her and it hurt like h*ll but it had to be done. I know in a week or so she'll be happy with this. When she's not being yelled at for every little thing....
A big thank you and hugs to everyone who has supported me in this!
Much love to you.

The hardest part is over, what makes the next step so difficult for many (I know it was for me) is understanding that you will still grieve the relationship. What makes it easier is understanding you're not grieving what you had but what you hoped you would have and that was never going to become a reality.

I know for me it all became so much easier when I realised I was sad for my dream and not the reality.

As strange as it sounds it was in the months following the break that I realised I didnt actually know how I was anymore, I was so used to complying for an easy life that I lost all idea of who I was, what I liked etc. It was great fun finding myself after that and I learned to value who I am, it will be hard at times but enlightening as well, enjoy the trip and know we're all here each step of the way :D

Whoa! I had forgotten about this thread. It looks like a lot has happened since I posted.

First, because it really struck me, let it be known that although a post of mine on one of the other forums was invoked as though her husband and I were similar, that is not true at all. I was somewhat out of control as my ADD was undiagnosed, but I didn't run around screaming at my wife, nor was I ever abusive like this jerk. Though it may make her feel better about him to compare him to me because my marriage has worked out for the better, I was never the douchebag that this guy was in the slightest. I'm bringing this up, because A.) I don't like being compared to this guy, nor does my wife, as I still treated my wife with a lot of respect, though I did get a little overly frustrated at times, and B.) because I never want someone else to look in here and think that the things the OP's husband has been doing is even potentially good down the road, as if things might get better. He is a straight up abuser, and that doesn't usually change, if that is who they are as a person. I was a great guy for the first several years of marriage, until my ADD got the best of me, and once I learned about ADD and what it was doing to me and my marriage, I took steps to change it. I turned mine around back to where it was before, maybe even better, because I was a good guy at heart, and again, I was nowhere near abusive like the guy described herein. I would have killed myself before I ever let myself hurt my wife like that. Where you begin has a lot to do with where you end. If anyone else out there has been reading this and has a person that has always been this type of abusive, it isn't likely to change at all. Makes plans to change it yourself by getting out at some point. Have a plan, and work it, don't make excuses for the abuser.

Since that is now out of the way, let me say that I, along with others, are glad to help with advice as needed. It sounds like things have changed in your situation, and if you have gained some freedom, then you need to know that you are breaking the cycle, and that is huge. It sounds like you have never had a good guy in your life, and that is likely due to what sounds like the horribly abusive men in your childhood. You have to break the cycle, and begin to change your life, even get some treatment and therapy to work through the past, so that you won't attract those types of guys. Work on you, and don't worry about men again until you do, or you could end up in a similar position once again.

MaddMike. I want to apologize to you and also let everyone here know that I was never trying to say you were abusive to your wife. I read some things that I thought would help me make more sense of the situation and referenced it. I would never put the stigma of "abuser" on anyone without just cause. I am going to PM you because, man, I feel like SH*T for making you think I was...

MaddMike. I want to apologize to you and also let everyone here know that I was never trying to say you were abusive to your wife. I read some things that I thought would help me make more sense of the situation and referenced it. I would never put the stigma of "abuser" on anyone without just cause. I am going to PM you because, man, I feel like SH*T for making you think I was...

No problem, I just didn't want my behavior associated with your husband's, which you obviously understand. I even know that you were probably just doing it while looking for hope, it just really struck me. I don't think for a second that it was an attack on me, but it did bother me to be put in that context, so I called it. I also would never want anyone to see that my marriage has had some success after some bad ADD times, and to think that there is really any comparison with what seems like a lifetime abuser-type. Those types of people just don't turn around that much, from what I understand. I don't ever want to give a person in that situation false hope, or be used for it, because people that treat their spouses like that, and especially to me, a man that treats his wife like that, makes me want to give him someone his own size to pick on.

People that abuse other people has always been a real sore spot with me, maybe because I was teased and picked on a lot in school, and by my own dad quite a bit, and I just don't like being associated in any way.

Thanks for the pm, but thanks publicly for coming out and apologizing for putting the 2 of us together. I don't want you to feel bad, I just wanted to be sure to clear my name and distance myself. You should frankly feel good about yourself, for taking necessary steps to help yourself, and your kids, to live a better life. Just think, and I don't know exactly what your parent's backgrounds are, but maybe if their parents had stepped out and taken a stand, maybe you would have never been put in some of the places that you were. Now you have the chance to possibly do that for your children, and maybe their kids one day will never have to see the kind of mess that you have. That is a wonderful thought.

Woman on the Verge, I missed this thread when it first started. I have just caught up on it today. I am sooooo glad you are safe!

I want to tell you that I am VERY proud of you and impressed by your decision to leave. I once worked in a crisis center for domsetic violence, and I saw women who struggled for years to get the courage to leave. Their self-esteem had been, literally, beaten out of them. They actually thought they deserved to be treated the way they were. They thought they "owed" it to their husband/boyfriend/significant other to keep trying. They had been so controlled for so long that they struggled to think, and doubted all along if their decision to leave was the right one..."What if trying ONE MORE TIME means it works out, and we could stay together?"

Some women figured it out too late: one client at the clinic was killed by her husband on the night before her planned exit. She could have left that morning, but had decided to delay a day for some reason, and spent the evening trying once again to "reason" with him. Her kids witnessed much of the argument and events that night, including their mother's death. It seems, in their conversation, her husband saw just enough of her new found self-esteem to scare him and make him realize she just might slip from his control. Sadly, though, she didn't have enough to push her out the door and away from him.

I read on here about your struggles to decide, and your hopes that maybe, somehow, you could make things bearable if for no other reason than for your kids. However, the situation was clearly escalating, and staying was not going to be safe. Losing your temper and telling him off, that DID take courage! However, it also shows how far things had gone: you were trying to assert yourself, but the only way you could do that was to act like HIM a teeny bit...it's the only language he understands. It sounds like it inflamed him even more, and sadly I am certain further violence was just a heartbeat away. Even if he never raised a hand to you again, he was slowly killing your very being, and that of your children.

Abusers like him, however they get to be that way, need to dominate and control in order to feel any amount of security. Since it never works, they get more and more distressed, and subsequently get more domineering and controlling, and things get worse. Plus, by staying, you actually wind up validating his opinions. You think "I am being compassionate and loving and standing by my man. Maybe I need to let him be, he probably thinks I am being a nag...am I being a nag?" While he thinks "Aha, I was right...I yelled enough and she is now quiet and making dinner. Now THIS is how you handle people who disagree with you!"

I will not say that there is no hope for a person who acts like this...but the risk is so tremendous, it is not worth sacrificing yourself or your children. In order for him to learn how to behave better, he has to see he has a problem, and that his behavior is wrong. The fact that he had to ask you what was scaring you shows that he finds his behavior totally acceptable and fine. His lack of true remorse, his willingness to bring even your OWN family into his anger and hatred and venom, his use of alcohol to the point he loses all reason...all of these are huge signs that his problems are deeply ingrained, and unlikely to change ever, no matter who tries to help him.

The scary things is, even with you there as a voice of reason, your son and daughter were at huge risk, not only physically, but for doing the EXACT SAME THING as they get older. EITHER of them could have become an abuser or a victim. Even if his father seems to improve, you will need to monitor your son very carefully, in case he picks up on the subtle, almost subliminal messages he may receive about women, anger being an acceptable form of managing a situaiton, and so on. They would probably benefit from counseling now, if you have not started it already. Any domestic violence organization can point you towards someone who can help, and so could your therapist.

I am so glad you found that therapist! Remember, even though she held up the information and advised you, YOU are the one who made the decision to see what was happening and get out. She held up a mirror, and invited you to look at it. You could have closed your eyes, turned your head...you looked, and accepted, and made a change.

Lollypop is right, you will need time to adjust, and to grieve the loss, and to learn how to set new limits for yourself regarding him. Keep talking, keep trying, and do NOT give up!

i just wanted to add my support and encouragement - you are truly brave.

I've been following this thread with interest, because I am going through something similar in the sense of ending a relationship that NEEDS to end. My situation isn't as extreme (no violence, threats, yelling, etc.); I wrote about it under the "relationships" section with the title "Breaking up with a Manipulator."

I am sooooo glad to hear you are getting yourself out of a bad situation, and a bad relationship, and that you have found support through your therapist. You will NOT regret it. . .you DESERVE better!

Stay strong!

I've been following this thread with interest, because I am going through something similar in the sense of ending a relationship that NEEDS to end. My situation isn't as extreme (no violence, threats, yelling, etc.); I wrote about it under the "relationships" section with the title "Breaking up with a Manipulator."

I am sooooo glad to hear you are getting yourself out of a bad situation, and a bad relationship, and that you have found support through your therapist. You will NOT regret it. . .you DESERVE better!

Stay strong!


Good luck to you and all of the good juju I can pass your way, I'm sending now. It was a hard choice to make but then again it wasn't. Once I got the validation I needed, it was just a matter of getting my babies and myself out safely as soon as possible. I guess I just needed someone to tell me face to face what I already knew all along.

As you guys know, I left him Wednesday night. He called me yesterday to see the kids. I didn't want to let Jack go but I don't know if I really have much of a choice. He came to my parents yesterday evening to get Jack to spend the night.
I have been worried that I would start to doubt my decision when I saw him. I haven't been doubting it but just thought that seeing him would make me miss him and bring in some doubt. I KNOW I did the right thing but I also know seeing the person, no matter how secure you are in the decision, can be hard.
When he showed up, my mom asked him to come in for a minute and he was extremely rude to her. I took Jack and his bag out to him and one look at him was all I needed to feel absolutely secure with my decision to leave him. The nasty look on his face and his horrid attitude made me so thankful I will never have to live with that again.
He's been trying to pick fights with me on the phone and via text messages. I am refusing to fall into that ploy and I know it has to be infuriating him! All he's doing is making this easier for me.
It's crazy that the things he does is what used to make me upset and now I'm kinda happy because his continuance of it is what is making this easy for me.

As you guys know, I left him Wednesday night. He called me yesterday to see the kids. I didn't want to let Jack go but I don't know if I really have much of a choice. He came to my parents yesterday evening to get Jack to spend the night.
I have been worried that I would start to doubt my decision when I saw him. I haven't been doubting it but just thought that seeing him would make me miss him and bring in some doubt. I KNOW I did the right thing but I also know seeing the person, no matter how secure you are in the decision, can be hard.
When he showed up, my mom asked him to come in for a minute and he was extremely rude to her. I took Jack and his bag out to him and one look at him was all I needed to feel absolutely secure with my decision to leave him. The nasty look on his face and his horrid attitude made me so thankful I will never have to live with that again.
He's been trying to pick fights with me on the phone and via text messages. I am refusing to fall into that ploy and I know it has to be infuriating him! All he's doing is making this easier for me.
It's crazy that the things he does is what used to make me upset and now I'm kinda happy because his continuance of it is what is making this easy for me.

Good for you! He is probably just trying to exert control over you in the only way he can now that you are gone, so out come the provocations. He controlled you when you lived together, now that you are apart, all he has to fall back on are petty games aimed to controlling you by affecting your emotions with his antics. I'm so glad for you, and proud of you, for not falling into his traps. You're doing big things now, and you should feel great about it! He's showing his true colors, and you can now see them objectively from afar. Keep it up, and change your family tree for the better!

As you guys know, I left him Wednesday night. He called me yesterday to see the kids. I didn't want to let Jack go but I don't know if I really have much of a choice. He came to my parents yesterday evening to get Jack to spend the night.
I have been worried that I would start to doubt my decision when I saw him. I haven't been doubting it but just thought that seeing him would make me miss him and bring in some doubt. I KNOW I did the right thing but I also know seeing the person, no matter how secure you are in the decision, can be hard.
When he showed up, my mom asked him to come in for a minute and he was extremely rude to her. I took Jack and his bag out to him and one look at him was all I needed to feel absolutely secure with my decision to leave him. The nasty look on his face and his horrid attitude made me so thankful I will never have to live with that again.
He's been trying to pick fights with me on the phone and via text messages. I am refusing to fall into that ploy and I know it has to be infuriating him! All he's doing is making this easier for me.
It's crazy that the things he does is what used to make me upset and now I'm kinda happy because his continuance of it is what is making this easy for me.

I know what your saying, it doesnt matter what our head thinks our hearts can do all kind of wierd things when seeing someone. and you are right, the more unreasonable he is the more strength it will give you.

You may or may not need to but IF his collection visits become anymore angry/ agreesive than they currently are its worth looking into supervised visit centres.

I dont know what they're called in the US but in the UK we know them as family centres. They usually offer anything from a simple drop off and collection point so the adults dont need to see each other and the children dont need to deal with the agreesion from that. They can also provide an all out supervised session so if his behavour becomes agresive towards the children he could be made to carry out contact in the presence of qualified persons.

Obviously supervised visits are only a route to take if really needed but the ability to drop/ collect without seeing him is something to bear in mind 'just in case'


Glad to hear you're all well :)

Reading back over my original posts feels like I wrote them so long ago. The way I was feeling at that time is nothing compared to the way I'm feeling now. I know the situation could have been a lot worse but it was bad enough and dangerous enough for me to run like h*ll out of there.
The past week as been such a roller coaster ride for me emotionally. Mostly, I've been fine. Very at peace with the decision I made and seeing the positive effects it as had on my babies and myself has been reassuring. I have seen him a few times when he as come to pick J up and when I go to get him. I was so scared the first time he was coming over to pick him up. I was afraid I would see his face and feel sadness. Some self-doubt. Yada yada. The only thing I felt was intense relief that I no longer have to live with him and his bad moods.
I had an appointment yesterday with my therapists so he watched the kids for me. I noticed a red Miata in the driveway when I pulled up and a cute boy standing there next it. I thought B was working on his car. I asked who it was, he told me. I don't know him and he said it was a friend of some of his friends.
(a little back story. A little less than a yr ago he went out with these 2 friends-a couple and met a boy. He made out with this boy all night and called me at 3am to see if he could bring this boy home. I said no and dealt with him being ****ed at me for days about it. I tried talking to him about it and he would shut me out. I told him if he was curious about that lifestyle I didn't want to stand in the way of it. He denied it being an issue and eventually turned into my fault. He needed excitement in the bedroom, thought I would like it blah blah blah. I gave up and like with everything, put it out of my mind. Three weeks ago the friend came over with a guy I had never seen. After they left, another friend came in and told me who the other guy was. The same one B made out with that night. Bnever said anything to me about it. Never mentioned the fact he stopped by.)
I put 2 and 2 together and asked if it was the same boy. It was. My daughter wanted to go inside to get some of her stuff so I opened the front door and saw bags full of stuff in the living room. Like someone was moving in. I asked B if the boy was moving in. He said yes. He was going to stay there for a while.
I didn't think about it much until last night when I had some quiet and I realized how angry I am. I have had some suspicions of his having an affair and honestly the little clues just kept piling up. I couldn't prove it and didn't want to be the crazy snooping wife. Guess I should have.
I'm scared of the possibility that he brought something home with him and gave it to me. I am outraged at the blatant disrespect for me and our marriage. Not that there was much to begin with but....
I'm a wreck right now.

sweetheart, this guy is an abuser. he did all this awful stuff to you because he is a toxic abuser. i understand that you must feel really terrible when you realize the extent of the damage done to you. but please also remember that YOU took the step to end the misery, YOU managed to find people who helped you, YOu got out of it. That shows you have a lot of strength, and even if it does not seem so, you will get through this too. Do let people help you, you will be in grief about all these, things, since you probably suppressed it to survive, and now it comes. I think it is really good you are outraged. that is a sign of health. Good. Go check yourself with the doctor. You have support now, use it.

Go get to your therapist, and the doctor. You need even more strength now, and reassurance that you are doing the right thing.

It is probably not a coincidence that this person was there and the move was happening as you drove up. The ex was watching the kids for you..was this a plan, he agreed to babysit (so to speak) at that time? Regardless of your ex's possible decisions about experimenting or finding his needs, the fact this happened with THIS person at THIS time tells me he was hoping to take a piece out of you.

Look right in front of you for an example of good behavior...look at Mike. You said something that bothered him, and what did he do? He called you on it, politely but clearly. When you apologized (and quite beautifully, I think), he accepted with grace. And now what? He is posting to support you. Now, THAT is a good hearted person, THAT is an example of how to treat others! What does your ex do? When he cannot get to you on his own...he drags someone else in, and sets up circumstances to overwhelm you and make you doubt your self. Keep fighting against it, you are doing such a good job!

I will suggest something: never, EVER ask your ex for any favors, at least not now. If you need someone to watch your kids, ask your friends, neighbors, the local church, ask your therapist if they can come and color in the waiting room while you have a session. Once you hae something in writing from lawyers, you can negotiate (I get this Saturday if you will take that Saturday, etc.), but right now you do not want to be beholden to him for ANYTHING, if you get my meaning.

Yes, he has even taken common courtesy and normal exchange of parental duties out of the realm of possibilities. That does not mean you have to give in...it means you must step up one more level and find new ways to live without him.

When I read this post, I am troubled by something...you refer to this person moving in as a "boy". Is it just a term because this person is (or looks) young, or is there a chance this person is under any age of consent? If this is the case, you should tell your therapist your concerns and ask for advice. If you fear there is something illegal going on, you need support and may be able to use it to prevent your ex from seeing the kids. I am sorry if I am asking something that is upsetting, but I wanted to ask in case it is an issue you must look at.

I am holding you in my thoughts and praying for you. Please keep us posted!

MECMR

I used the term "boy" because he looks young. I don't think he's underage at all, just has a baby face.

I confronted him as politely as I could. I told him how it made me feel and that if he was trying to use this to make me feel bad about myself or to create self-doubt in me, it wasn't going to work. In fact, the exact opposite is true. It has strengthened my resolve to stay away from him. Put the decision I made to leave come in a new light.

I talked to my therapist last night and am calling my prescribing Dr today. I think something to take PRN to get through the anxiety I'm having right now.

Thanks again to everyone for your support.

This is abuse. It might not be physical, but turning your phone off and disabling your car is still abuse. The name calling is abuse. He is using your lack of income to make you afraid. That's just as bad as if he was using his fist to make you afraid.

Men (and women) like this have the same problems as men (and women) who physically abuse their spouses. They have problems with control and resort to any method necessary to exert power over you. Your husband is using money. And it's working.

Call your local battered women's shelter and ask for help. There are programs available to help you leave. You might even be eligible for shelter. I lived in one for six weeks, and it was the best damned decision I ever made.

I'm glad you are putting money aside. Do *whatever* you have to do to get out of his control. Remember, if you divorce him, you can get child support from him. And you can probably still keep your car and possibly your house. He is ABUSING you.

Do keep us posted on how you are doing. You are NOT alone. Don't let him convince you that you are.

Look right in front of you for an example of good behavior...look at Mike. You said something that bothered him, and what did he do? He called you on it, politely but clearly. When you apologized (and quite beautifully, I think), he accepted with grace. And now what? He is posting to support you. Now, THAT is a good hearted person, THAT is an example of how to treat others! What does your ex do? When he cannot get to you on his own...he drags someone else in, and sets up circumstances to overwhelm you and make you doubt your self. Keep fighting against it, you are doing such a good job!

I will suggest something: never, EVER ask your ex for any favors, at least not now. If you need someone to watch your kids, ask your friends, neighbors, the local church, ask your therapist if they can come and color in the waiting room while you have a session. Once you hae something in writing from lawyers, you can negotiate (I get this Saturday if you will take that Saturday, etc.), but right now you do not want to be beholden to him for ANYTHING, if you get my meaning.


First, thank you MEMCR for the kind words about my actions in this thread. I really appreciate it very much. WOTV made a mistake, and I wanted to make sure it was corrected, and it was, quite beautifully as you put it. She never meant to make me feel bad, nor did I intend to make her feel bad for lumping me in with this guy. She made a mistake, and people deserve to be forgiven for mistakes. She is a good person from what I can see, and deserves better than this guy she was with. That leads me to my next point..........

This guy, the OP's husband, isn't making mistakes, therefore you have no need to forgive him, WOTV. He is committing deliberate and willful acts to hurt you, and the reality is that he will likely continue to try to do so, as he has with this whole moving fiasco. He is trying to exert control over you in any way possible, as abusers typically do. The only way you can get out from that is to move on with your life, and you are doing so, which is so very commendable.

Everyone in life needs a cheerleader in their corner, someone to be happy for them and push them to better things. You have a lot right here on this forum, and I'm sure you have them in your new life too. Never be afraid to ask for help, as people that truly care are happy to do so. The less interaction you have with this guy the better, so let others watch your kids or work something out with you. As your life gets healthier, so will your kids, and maybe you can be the one to break the cycle of abuse that has taken part in your family. Wouldn't it feel great to know that YOU did it, that YOU did what others in your family before you couldn't do? That takes great strength, and you've already shown it, so keep strong for yourself and those kids, and find like-minded people that are strong and encourage you to be so.

I just wanted to pop in to the thread again and say I hope things are coming along ok, I found it to be a very emotionally draining time when I parted ways with my ... hmm what to call him ...well anyway I was exhausted. It was a long time ago now for me but I remember it like it was yesterday, anyway I hope your well and just to say we're thinking of you.

Hello to everyone!
I'm doing well, I think, even though I sometimes feel like I'm trudging through quicksand. My overall mood has been optimistic even though I have had some dark days when I could barely get off the couch. I'm seeing and realizing his actions towards/against me in a much clearer light these days. He has been doing some things that have completely floored me but I at least realize the motive behind them now and I try to remind myself of that daily.
I'm taking the advice of my therapist and "taking it easy" on myself. She told me (because I have so emotionless in many ways for so long) to allow myself to "feel" and not to be hard on myself for hurting. This has proven to be really hard. I've been putting my feelings on a very high, unreachable shelf for many years and allowing them to come down and play has been tough.
I'm more resolved than ever to stay away from him. It has become so very apparent to me that he enjoys hurting me so much. I've found myself wondering how I could have allowed such a mean spirited person into my life so intimately. All I can say is, I will WHATEVER it takes to ensure it doesn't happen again.
Thanks again for your support guys!