I am in that wonderful and terrifying period between self-diagnosis (the lightbulb effect) and official diagnosis - Dr. appt next week.

So the past few days, I've been reading tons (internet can be good and bad, eh?) and am just now starting to realize what I have been doing to my family over the years (married 17 years, 3 children).

Many of my wife's comments during our arguments/fights are starting to make sense. She has accused me (albeit while upset) of mental abuse. That one always confused and angered me becuase I could never get her to be specific. I have really struggled with this, because I know she believed/believes it, but couldn't figure out just what I have been doing to give her that impression or feeling.

I read this article, and now I may know...

http://www.addcentre.co.uk/translatingADHD.html

This one really hit home.

Has anyone else had these types of "revelations"? And any experiences in informing the other spouse of your new found information would be great to read. I am waiting for "offical" diagnosis before saying anything. I also want to have a communication plan for the family. The last thing I want to do (both for me and my family) is to give the impression that I now have and excuse or license to behave a certain way.

Thanks,
Opus

As alot of people know I am a member of a long standing self help group with twelve steps. One of the steps is about making amends. We make the ammends for the other person but also for us, because we need to clean up our past. We make a list of people we have harmed ( I also wrote in what way I harmed them) and became willing to make amends to them all ( became WILLING doesnt mean we had opportunity to make ammends)

My husband was abusive in multiple ways so when I had the revelation of how hard it is to live with me and my issues, it really stuck in my throat that I was going to go to this man who had done terrible things and apologize or recognize to him, the issues I had caused in our relationship. So i wrote a letter. In it I was able to word it exactly as I needed to so as to not take on his issues to apologize for---lol. The releif that came over me, the ability to recognize when I am doing those same things today, is miraculous.

I am proud and throughly impressed with your openness to your spouses needs and hurts. This is an incredible thing. Hugs and keep up the great work with or without a diagnosis.

Opus,

I was where you are a few months ago.
I started thinking I had ADD several years ago when my son was diagnosed.
I didn't think it was an issue because everything was "OK".

It wasn't until a severe marital issue and some comments like you mentioned, that I realized that most of it was true and I couldn't see it.

My wife went to California for a week and over that week, all I could do was think about our relationship.
I was on a marital support bulitin board and someone said " you sound like my ex-husband. Do you have ADD?"

That was my realization that ADD was affecting my marriage. :eek:

I know, I am rambling, but that was when I was where you are now.
I actually became depressed as I delved in to what ADD really was. Not generic stuff, but the things I read that sounded like I could have written them. I made an appointment to see a doctor that week.
Even after I started meds, I still was in a stupper for the lost years and opportunities that I missed, friends I let go becuase I didn't care, and the damage I caused in my marriage.
Please try not to get depressed looking backward.
It is OK ot do what Lafnalot said, but do not dwell on it.
Lafnalot's suggestion is really to allow yourself to get past it, not dwell on it. (cleaning your slate)
Dwelling on the problems I had caused actually was draining my already unstable marriage.

Then I had another revelation. (after another argument)
"Make it Better"
"Think Positive"
"Act like you want to be" (this one is tough but very important)
If you behave as if you are in a happy marriage, you will have a happier marriage.

I am very lucky, that after years of inattention towards my wife, we are stronger and happier than we have been in a long time.

Good luck.

Opus, thanks for posting that article - it's good!

I'm just afraid to show it to anyone because the article makes it sound as if it is extremely difficult to communicate - I do run into many of the problems they describe, although it may not be obvious to someone talking to me... oh well.

but yeah - thankyou!

Originally posted by Lafnalot
As alot of people know I am a member of a long standing self help group with twelve steps. One of the steps is about making amends. We make the ammends for the other person but also for us, because we need to clean up our past. We make a list of people we have harmed ( I also wrote in what way I harmed them) and became willing to make amends to them all ( became WILLING doesnt mean we had opportunity to make ammends)

My husband was abusive in multiple ways so when I had the revelation of how hard it is to live with me and my issues, it really stuck in my throat that I was going to go to this man who had done terrible things and apologize or recognize to him, the issues I had caused in our relationship. So i wrote a letter. In it I was able to word it exactly as I needed to so as to not take on his issues to apologize for---lol. The releif that came over me, the ability to recognize when I am doing those same things today, is miraculous.

I am proud and throughly impressed with your openness to your spouses needs and hurts. This is an incredible thing. Hugs and keep up the great work with or without a diagnosis.



Chrissy

Can you PM me with more information on this group

Thanks

Garry

I read the artical - it fits me too! If your on the add/ adhd path dx is only the first step. It can be a real mind bender for a while.

Good news is ... things do improve it takes some deep soul searching - hard work - perhaps some counselling and meds.... It seems you want to find an answer so as to "fix" the problem.

I have found one of the most helpfull things is these forums.... As you write things and read what others have written, it seems to bring a sence of acceptance - a greater measure of peace - and for me - More hope than ever!

diesel,

I agree completely.

My beau and I had been together (off and on) for five years when he finally called it quits. He just couldn't handle me...high-maintainence, emotional outburts, negativity...I had explored relating our problems to my ADD, but he was resistant. I bought the book "ADD & Romance 2-3 years ago and never finished it. But when my career change left me broke, the uncertainty about our rlationship left me emotionally drained, we were drifting so far apart. I really can't believe we made it as long as we did. After he broke up with me, I realized that my untreated ADD had been exacerbated by the emotional and fianacial stress, so I picked up the book again and finished in it one day! It was such a relief! After years of reading lists of symptoms, this book really put ADD in perspetive for me, considering the place it had most been negatively affecting me of late was my relationship. I left it on his doorstep with a note explaining that I could clearly see how we had been banging our heads aggainst a wall for too long. I kept telling him that if he expected me to change any more before he could propose, he might as well walk, because I would always be "this way." But this book reminded me that I COULD CHANGE with the help of the right treatment. I look forward to his finishing the book, if for no other reason than to understand what really was going on with us all those years. it really WAS me all along! He didn't have a fear of commitment, he had a fear of the unknown, and with untreated ADD, and his not believeing it was "real" anyway, there was no hope for a successful marriage. BUT NOW THERE IS HOPE!