View Full Version : An end of an era?
Well it seems that there may be a change in my household. Don't know when, don't know how, but I think it is coming. My wife and I have been having a lot of "problems" for the past year or so. It seems that we just can't be happy. I anger her, she angers me. We never talk about things without arguing. If there is a problem we either argue or "forget" it and it comes out a later date.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately (as she has, she told me today) about our relationship and I am wondering if we can pull it off this time. I feel that I am prompting this because I have decided that I no longer want to feel the way I do (depressed, worrisome, angry, etc); and in realizing this, I am letting go of a lot of things that used to bother me to the point of "madness".
She sees it as me not caring about anything other than myself. She feels that my priorities should be her, school, then everything else. She is probably right. Perhaps in my "want" to take care of myself, I'm not paying as much attention to other things. I can tell.
There are a few things that I don't want to go into publicly, but I am not the only one who is neglecting the other person in this relationship.
I just don't know what is happening. We may be separating. It just seems that she doesn't like the old me, or the "new" me. I don't know what to do. It is hard to think about ending 11years of our lives.
Am I wrong for acting this way (rhetorical)? Do I love her? Yes. Am I/we in love? I don't know.
03-20-04, 10:31 PM
I am so sorry to hear this. I KNOW after talking with you in great length that the whole problem does not fall on you or you being selfish. Your wife is also VERY selfish in her own goal's and know's she is hurting you and admit's to it.
Please, do not take the full blame onto your shoulder's. Making a marriage work and leaving a failed marriage is a 50/50 deal. It takes two to make the decision's and the changes needed to save a marriage.
I know you have been giving it your all. I have no advice to offer but know I AM here for you and alway's will be.
I know I have a lot of support, especially from you Futs. I appreciate it. It just hurts. No matter how much we "hurt" each other, we do still love each other. It's just not working out.
Hard to admit, but perhaps unavoidable.
Sweetie if she is not making you happy and Vice Versa...and you only make each other feel this way....unless by some mirical you can turn it around...it sounds like it is already over and YOU have to do whatever you need to do to make you happy. Can't stay in a marriage that makes You misreable...trust me I had two years worth of misery and it almost destroyed me....Hugs sweety.
What does you gut say??????
03-20-04, 10:41 PM
i'm sorry things are rough for you!!! i've been where you are, and well... still am. hang in there and do what is right for YOU.
but as the quote in my signature says:
if you always do, what you have always done
you will always get, what you have always gotten
if there is NO change, there is NO change
i agree with futs.... a relationship is 50/50
Gut says it's over. Just hard. We have known each other, been friends for 17 years
It sounds bad, but I don't feel in love anymore
People who see us can't tell we are in love. You know how you can look at a couple and know that they are "made for each other"? I don't see that. I see elderly couples who still look at each other like they were 20, we are only 30 and don't look at each other that way.
It seems like out relationship is one of 50-60 year olds and we don't even have children.
Hugssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Ken...I know it hard..but staying married seems to be harder right now.
Wow...and here I thought I was the "only guy going through this".
Hang in there, Ken.
Big, you are def. not alone. I just wish there was some definite path to take. An ending of some way. I have a hard time "fighting". I don't want to do the "easy" thing, but the choice may already be made.
[b]You know how you can look at a couple and know that they are "made for each other"? I don't see that. I see elderly couples who still look at each other like they were 20...."
Been married forty years. You definitely haven't had us in your field of view. Yes, I look at some of my age-mates and envy them. How do they keep it going and glowing?
Don't feel like there are a bunch of us oldsters looking back and judging you. I know I sing this song over and over, but people: ask yourselves if you want to continue on your current path—the way you are going right now, without any changes—until you have been married for 40 years? Don't just let life happen to you, take charge of your futures.
Please, though, won't you get a final evaluation/mediation with your wife and a marriage counsellor? Just so you know for sure you've made the right decision?
Best of luck to you, dear Ken. I can see you are in pain.
Hey Ken I wish I was around earlier for the start of your post. I feel for you buddy. I know exactly how you feel. I am a step behind you still trying to hold on. Had an interesting week. I will share on my own post. Keep your head up. Like the others have said it is not all your fault. Marriage is 50/50. My thought s are with ya bud. There are a lot of us out there going through the same things. If you are both unhappy this may end up being the best thing that could happen.
03-21-04, 01:10 AM
It never hurt's to reach out one last time. I do agree with Ace on the therapy maybe she will agree and actually participate. But, since I KNOW what is going on do NOT blame yourself for your wife's troubles. This is NOT even related to you, she cannot help her chemical make up. And no were in the Divorce creed does it say Thou shalt not be friend's. If you cannot live together and do decide to divorce there is no reason why you have to throw away a friendship that has lasted thru the year's.
I'm alway's here when you need me.
Well, she won't go to therapy. She doesn't feel the need to "air our dirty laundry" to others.
She said she had enough of counselors/psychologists when she was younger.
I went out, came home and she was gone. FUts, you know where she is. Dummy me.
I should have drank a whole lot more. Maybe I wouldn't care as much.
03-21-04, 03:25 AM
I am so sorry to hear that Ken. Were your wife is, is not your doing. Please, be careful with your coping skill's. When ppl are hurting so badly they try and find other area's to bury their pain which in the end will only bring more.
03-21-04, 03:37 AM
Geez, relationships are rough on the spirit sometimes.
I did eight years of agony. Never again.
I strongly suggest you don't do the ol' drinking thing.It weakens people too much..
you need to end it with a clear head if ending is what will happen. And well if you guys decide to give it one more shot, you will be stronger.
Oounds like you got together very young, people change, ya can't fight it. Change is the only thing we can count on. (pun unintended)
Good luck and treat yourself kindly!!
Well today just echoed the need for a change. The wife was away all day today. She took one of our dogs to his new home. Left 2 hours before I got up, came home we exchanged pleasantries for about 2 minutes and then she went to bed.
Doesn't look good at all.
Oh well, maybe one of these days we both will find what we need and what we used to get from each other.
88ssp there are worse things than death and breaking down relationships ranks way up the list for me. Sounds ugly. I hope you can manage to care for yourself through the pain.
Until I learnt to care for myself the patterns kept repeating. You are worth it bud.. take it easy.
Oh gosh, you have echoed so many of my sentiments/thoughts on my own marriage. While I too feel ours will end within 12 months, its a difficult thing to do or accept. I thought finding out my husband had ADHD was great because it explained so much and also relieved me of all I was being blamed for when it wasn't me. But not a whole lot has changed and most of our conversations are either one-sided or totally misunderstood, resulting in arguements. That kind of situation you can only endure for so long before it starts changing the person you are and not always for the best. Honesty and trust is a big problem in our marriage which I really need and don't get and don't believe I will ever get. My husband is a good man and not malicious but deceives himself as well as me. Living with not being able to trust someone, believe them, rely on them and feeling angry and frustrated all the time is not something I want to live with either.
Its all very sad in the fact that it does sound very final and I truly feel for you with all the emotions that must be going on right now. Be true to yourself and be happy in whatever way you need to be. Sometimes its the hardest thing we need to do in order to find that happiness.
Best of luck to you.
03-22-04, 10:52 AM
Hugs Titch I know I am not the easiest person to live with; but, as an ADD'er I was used to abuse so tended to make myself out as the victim instead of the recipiant of Constructive Criticism. It took a lot of patience and therapy to get past that issue. My husband and I both have been attending therapy session's together and alone. This has worked wonder's not only for our personal outlook's on life but on our marriage. There is hope you just have to be willing to put a lot of pain thru the year's behind you and move on. If it does end for you, know that we are here for you and be kind to yourself. Good Luck.
Right now you need to work on being kind to yourself and healing yourself. You have been mentally abused for a long while now. It's time to build your self esteem back up.
Put, your negative energy and thought's into something constructive. Work hard and focus on your schooling, making yourself an independant man will help alot. Work on your car I know it's your dream put all this energy into it instead of hating yourself. You need to take time for yourself to reflect on what you need and want out of life and you need to realize that you deserve it, you really do.
Hope I don't sound glib in saying this - but at times like these, I find that the only thing that really helps is looking ahead - to the future.
I am back as a regular again. I am sorry to here of your issues. If the break is being made please take care of yourself. Do not make any quick unthought out decisions. I have been there before. I seperated from my wife for only 3 days. But it was a time I actually slowed down and did not make any hastey decisions. Remember it takes two to make a marriage work or not work. Start planning for the future. I would make 2 plans one if you somehow decide to try and work things out and one if you don't. Good luck to you. I am thinking good thoughts.
Well another update. I found out yesterday that she is no longer in love with me (I have felt the same too, I guess) and that she is happier when she is away from me.
Looks like no reason to go on with it. We have not sat down and discussed it yet, but we both know what is coming.
Sorry to here the latest. My wife and I have had the same discussions before. At this point I do not know whether you guys want to work through this or not. I will tell you that married couples do go through these periods. You can fall back in love again but it is going to be hard work. I do not want to tell you what to do. You both have some tough choice a head. I wish you what will make you happiest.
03-22-04, 03:28 PM
What Bikingsay's is true, couples do seem to wander away from each other. The when true effort is put into the relationship they fall back into a more mature love. But, for you I would proceed very carefully were the matter's of the heart apply. I know you love your wife, you speak highly of her. Just make sure she is willing to give something's up and to stay home with you or I'm afraid you will only continue to be caused more and more pain.
Have faith in yourself and your ability to make the right decision's for you Ken. I have no doubt in my mind that while it may take awhile you will come out on top.
Focus hard on your car and school and less on what you view as your fault's. Spend some real time evaluating what YOU feel are your fault's and not what someone has told you for the past 12 years.
Futs makes some great points. I know that my personality makes me focus on everything I have done wrong. My wife's personality makes that easier for me to do. I balme myself for everything wrong in our relationship and that is wrong. I have done things wrong but so has she. So do not do what I do do what I say. Think of all the good things you have done. Maybe write down all the good things you have done. Also write down your interpetation of bad things you have done. I think you will find that you have misinterpeted a lot of bad things and will find out that you are a really good guy!! Take care.
Hi Ken - I understand what you are going through only because I'm going through it too, only perhaps a step ahead of you and, my god, there is no simple, clear answer to this. Being recently diagnosed with ADHD, I now realize that we are high maintenance people and if both people are in need of this, something is gonna have to give - my wife happens to have a high maintenance medical illness and she just got fed-up with me, even though I went for help + meds, and tried, as best I could. I love her but am not in-love with her, but over 17 years, we had some great times + a young daughter. If you do end up on this path, be on the look-out for 'depression' sneaking up on yourself - it happened to me and I take it one day at a time.
07-26-05, 07:50 PM
I'm sorry I didn't have time to chat the other day as I'm busily trying to sign up for unemployment, find a job and filling out papers for financial aid and register for classes. I can't decide if I'm running in a clockwise circle or counter clockwise either way I feel like I am getting NO where really fast.
How have you been? Last I knew you and your wife had split and you were busy putting your life back together. I hope you are finding some success with that.
MIss ya much,
Wow. I forgot all about this post. I havent' re-read it for fear of bad memories, but it is ok. what a difference a year makes.
To sum it all up. I am divorced, now. We did a simple dissolution. Amicable terms. She is moving on with her "alternative" life and I have moved on with mine.
I am in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful woman, now. We have been together since the day before my birthday in October and havent' looked back. We have been through some rough times, but we got through them. Not sure what the future holds as far as marriage, I'm not ready for that at all. But I am happy. Happy in a way I havent' been in a long time.
I'm doing well in physical therapy school. Actually doing an outpatient affiliation right now and having the time of my life. There is something to be said about seeing a patient in pain and putting my "healing hands" on them and having them walk out with no pain (even if it is temporary).
As for the meds? Well, I don't have insurance so I have gone to the doc to get strattera samples. Not nearly enough, though. I wanted to get on some stronger meds, but no-go. I tried it again and the meds seemed to work, but I ran out of money and the "free" program takes too long to get started. I still have the paperwork, maybe I will do it again? Who knows.
Well, that is how my life is going right now. I will keep in touch.
Cherity, PM me sometime. I miss talking to you.
Congrats Ken,I was reading this whole post and im like wow this seems so much like me now.I am very unhappy as well in my relationship and im trying to figure out how to just end this but its hard as you know.Im very happy to hear ur happy now Ken!!!
Hi Ken - I never got to really know you but what a great f/u on how well things turned out for you - great, just great and good for you!