I love my boy but he loses self-esteem by the day it seems. He mopes around, whimpers at me, will not be assertive about anything, acts depressed when he can't get what he wants or can't get attention from me and his mother... he's getting bullied at school... when he is mad he says things like 'I'm stupid' and 'I want to die'. He regrets saying them later. I think they are to get attention and sympathy.

If he had some confidence, some assertiveness, and was les convinced he is worthless then I am positive that 90% of his problems would go away.

How do I give him this?

One of the things that ticks me off the most about it all is his whining. I don't mind if he disagrees with me or doesn't want to do what he is told. I don't mind if he asks me for something like a new X-Box game and I tell him no. But the WHINING is driving me around the bend. I try to reward, respectful, assertive behaviour... but there is so little of it to reward... and I never ever give in to whining... I refuse. I try to explain things to him when he is calm, but it never seems to sink in, as soon as he is emotional its back to the whining.

I tell him I love him. I try to make time to do stuff with him. Never as much as he would like, mind you. He would prefer it if I never had hobbies of my own but devoted all my time to him... which I understand, but I can't do that and remain sane!

Well clam I dont believe anybody can "GIVE" him self esteem as it comes from with-in

my first question would be does he recognise what the word is and means
(I didn't for the longest time)( either for my self or when my boy told me I was always destroying his self esteem)

The forums taught me what it meant

How Old is he

Is he ADD (please note I didn't ask if he has ADD)

What are his hobbies

Does he have a computer

Is he allowed on the net

Would a ADD big Brother be a posible sugestion ??

Just my thoughts !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The foundations of self-esteem are laid early in life when infants develop attachments with the adults who are responsible for them. When adults readily respond to their cries and smiles, babies learn to feel loved and valued. Children come to feel loved and accepted by being loved and accepted by people they look up to. As young children learn to trust their parents and others who care for them to satisfy their basic needs, they gradually feel wanted, valued, and loved.

Self-esteem is also related to children's feelings of belonging to a group and being able to adequately function in their group. When toddlers become preschoolers, for example, they are expected to control their impulses and adopt the rules of the family and community in which they are growing. Successfully adjusting to these groups helps to strengthen feelings of belonging to them.

One point to make is that young children are unlikely to have their self-esteem strengthened from excessive praise or flattery. On the contrary, it may raise some doubts in children; many children can see through flattery and may even dismiss an adult who heaps on praise as a poor source of support--one who is not very believable.

The following points may be helpful in strengthening and supporting a healthy sense of self-esteem in your child:

As they grow, children become increasingly sensitive to the evaluations of their peers. You and your child's teachers can help your child learn to build healthy relationships with his or her peers.

When children develop stronger ties with their peers in school or around the neighborhood, they may begin to evaluate themselves differently from the way they were taught at home. You can help your child by being clear about your own values and keeping the lines of communication open about experiences outside the home.

Children do not acquire self-esteem at once nor do they always feel good about themselves in every situation. A child may feel self-confident and accepted at home but not around the neighborhood or in a preschool class. Furthermore, as children interact with their peers or learn to function in school or some other place, they may feel accepted and liked one moment and feel different the next. You can help in these instances by reassuring your child that you support and accept him or her even while others do not.

A child's sense of self-worth is more likely to deepen when adults respond to the child's interests and efforts with appreciation rather than just praise. For example, if your child shows interest in something you are doing, you might include the child in the activity. Or if the child shows interest in an animal in the garden, you might help the child find more information about it. In this way, you respond positively to your child's interest by treating it seriously. Flattery and praise, on the contrary, distract children from the topics they are interested in. Children may develop a habit of showing interest in a topic just to receive flattery.

Young children are more likely to benefit from tasks and activities that offer a real challenge than from those that are merely frivolous or fun. For example, you can involve your child in chores around the house, such as preparing meals or caring for pets, that stretch his or her abilities and give your child a sense of accomplishment.

Self-esteem is most likely to be fostered when children are esteemed by the adults who are important to them. To esteem children means to treat them respectfully, ask their views and opinions, take their views and opinions seriously, and give them meaningful and realistic feedback.

You can help your child develop and maintain healthy self-esteem by helping him or her cope with defeats, rather than emphasizing constant successes and triumphs. During times of disappointment or crisis, your child's weakened self-esteem can be strengthened when you let the child know that your love and support remain unchanged. When the crisis has passed, you can help your child reflect on what went wrong. The next time a crisis occurs, your child can use the knowledge gained from overcoming past difficulties to help cope with a new crisis. A child's sense of self-worth and self-confidence is not likely to deepen when adults deny that life has its ups and downs.

Source: Kidsource.com

Related links:

Positive Discipline: http://www.kidsource.com/kidsource/content/positive.discipline.html
How to teach your children discipline: http://www.kidsource.com/kidsource/content/discipline.3.19.html

I feel for you ... it sounds like you have a 10-year-old version of my 5-year-old boy. ;) He's emotionally fragile, and has been whiny since he drew his first breath. Some kids just seem to be wired this way, with ultra-sensitive nervous systems. But they can still turn out OK. I was like that as a child, and now I'm perfectly ... oh, never mind... :eek:

What are your son's interests/skills? Can you find him a hobby or a subject that excites him? That might help distract him from his "woe is me" state of mind. It sounds as if he doesn't feel capable at all ... I would think anything that would help him develop a feeling of strength and competency might help. If you think this problem is truly going to hold him back, maybe a professional could give you some good suggestions about how to encourage him. I agree that this is something you want to nip in the bud!

Good luck!

Thank you from me, - Big

I myself enjoyed that information

You're welcome, Garry.

Not only am I currently dealing with this issue with my Daughter, but I have lived a lifetime of low self-esteem.

This is probably not helpful but your problem reminded me of this.
This was my experience with my wx husbands whiny son.
He was real whiny, the girls weren't. We constantly asked him to stop whining, his reply (in a whiny voice)I'm not whining. His mother whom I am not knocking her, as we got along. whined too. And she might have even be saying "it's a great day".
So somehow he got the whine gene, he also favored her the most physically, but all that is beside the point.
One day a friend whom "Josh" looked up to came over to play, he was an older boy by two years. When they were hanging out in the hammocks I over heard the friend say, Josh why do you always sound like your whining, josh said I'm not whining, in his whiniest voice then got quiet. And form that moment on Josh made a huge effort not to whine. And that was the last whininess from the boy that whined for about 10 years.

It sounds to me your son needs some buddies, and that he is needing to fill the void so he looks to you more than he should.
I don't know how old he is, but I am seeing what an importance my sons friends are to him at 8. They are outside roughing it up every afternoon. If friends are low, you can help out by having him invite some or one doing something cool and bonding like fishing, going to a place where kids get to drive go carts. Or play video games if he isn't into the other stuff.

martial arts seems to help instal confidence, and teach mental and physical Discipline.

Good luck