This is kind of an extension of a thread I posted earlier "Standing up for myself". I thought I should start a new one since I have moved a little beyond what that post was about. Well, this is sort of on the same line but not...oh whatever.

I have been forcing myself daily to look at the bright side of things. To list the things I have to be grateful for right now. One of which is that I am GONE from his home with absolutely no intentions of going back. EVER. EVER. This has actually been so much easier than I thought it would be. I honestly thought that somewhere along the line I would at least think about going back to him but I haven't. It's almost like there's a block in my mind keeping those thoughts from happening at all. Kind of strange but good and I am so thankful for that.

I wish I could say things have been good, easy but I can't. It's been hard for emotionally to deal with the blows he has been continuing to deal me from a distance. I realize it's all a game to him and the worse I feel, the better he feels. I think he feels that if he batters my emotions down far enough, makes me feel weak and scared enough, threatens me with taking my kids, money etc enough that I will give in and come crawling back to him. I have tried being nice to him about everything and it has blown up in my face. I should have known better but I am such a peace loving person, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and in doing that the opportunity to screw me over even more. Unfortunately for him, he has confused my niceness for weakness. He wants to see me as the same person that allowed him to bully me into doing whatever he wanted. He remembers the Summer that would concede to his tantrums and desires to simply not have to fight because I was scared. I am not that person. I wasn't before him and I am making sure I am not that person now. I do cringe to stand up to him but I know know know that's the only way I'm going gain back my self esteem. H*ll. Gain back myself.

I'm stressed almost daily. It seems like every time he does something, he gives me just enough time to right myself before he does something else to knock me off my feet. I decided last night he is no longer allowed to have that kind of power over me. I have to separate his actions towards me from my emotions and not let it cripple me. He's using the divorce as a way to "get back at me" for moving on and trying to sort out my life. I need to look at it as a business transaction and do whatever is necessary to ensure I don't get screwed over.

He would love nothing more than for me to fall flat on my face.

I'm not going to allow that to happen.:mad:

There is no celebration smilie to use here.

I am so happy and proud of you for being where you are today! (You don't know me, because I was a lurker when you posted at first.) When I read "Standing up for myself", I was worried about you all day! I think it is wonderful that you are making your like better and seeing how to be stronger. It is even more wonderful for your children. You can give them no better gift.

I myself have never felt very much like a strong or confident woman That is something I am trying to be. I could easily have ended up in a situation like yours. I ended up with an absolutely wonderful husband. We have our problems, but he loves me and treats me better than he treats himself. You may yourself find someone who is that to you. Even if you never do, you know how much better your life is with just you and your little ones.

I wish you all the best in life. I hope that you become the woman you are reaching to be! :)

Hi Woman! (lol)

I'm so proud of you for doing what you're doing. I'm also really glad that you have come back to update us. Don't let the douche get to you. He is all about control, and if he can control you in any way, he will.

You don't really get into details, nor do you have to, but think about how it is that he's knocking you off your feet right here and there. I don't know what kind of contact you have to have with him over the kids, divorce, etc., but is there any way you could limit that further? Instead of letting him be in control and dictate things whatsoever, is there maybe a way you could do so?

For instance, let's say that he gets the kids for a specified time. Do you take them over to him, or could someone else do so? That way you wouldn't even have to see him. Maybe someone else could be a mediator of sorts between the two of you, to work certain things out while the divorce is being taken care of, to prevent contact. I'm not knowledgeable on such situations, but think that there might be a way for you to do something to take control back in areas of life that you are mutually tied together to some extent.

Regardless, I LOVE seeing the determination from you to stick to your guns. That is awesome so in anyone, but doubly so in the case of someone standing up to their abuser. You should feel so proud of what you are doing for yourself and your kids. You deserve so much better, and maybe someday you'll find that. When you take control of your life, and get healthy yourself from past abuse, you won't attract abusers so much anymore, and hopefully someone comes along that will treat you like you deserve.

Mike

I have limited contact to a bare minimum yet he still finds ways to "ruin" my day! I'm finding new ways each day (and new strength to implement those things).
I have hope....