man...

...........My Uncle, by marriage, (my momma sista' husband)
for like 25 years now, he's been "in the fold"
what mom calls the family safety thing

....I just helped my aunt and uncle move.

he said he was tired, the other day.....real tired...my aunt lindy, brought him to med quick.

he has 2 malignant cancer tumers on each lung, one in his stomach, 2 on his kidney, and one on his brain.
......dude is like 55....and, it appears he is being "paged" to circle and land.

I'm so [edit] stunned, I don't know what to do.
.....but, my first thoughts were, some people have all the luck.
maybe he learned his lesson, and he's gonna get a new life...
....or conscienceness.
[edit]

....I have not alot of experiance with death.
THANK GOODNESS....but, my dad always said.
......the older you get, the more funerals you attend.

I won't go to his funeral.
....I don't want to see him dead.
and a funeral is no place for me to be.

I want to see him alive.
......us singing alice's resturant, till we passed out full of turkey on thanksgiving..
or cutting the power at christmas, because some fool got me a kareoke mike for xmas...
........I love uncle david dearly.

I know it's weird.
.....I did'nt go to my uncle robert's funeral.

I saw my friend emory, dead.
....and I decided then, I did'nt wanna "say goodbye" to their empty shell.

I am not understanding my feelings....
.....I'm pretty empathetic....but maybe I'm in shock or denial.
I feel like someone just dumped hog blood on me.

......I'm stunned, but accepting his fate, and even feeling hopefull that he got cosmically promoted.

....my mom....it's killing her.


she's UPSET...like my aunt...who is devistated
.........as well as his kids....my cousins.

its gonna be baaaaaad.

.........BAD.

I hope it goes as easy as it can possiblly go.
.....david, is always glad to see me, because I have the humor mechanism.
and so does he.

he will be the only one in the family, I can joke about his death to.

.......he'll appreciate my intent.

he is pretty funny.....it's his "way" to deal as well.

....mom and lindy just look at me.

mom trying to get me to read her lips.....sayin something like....STFU...maybe?
...lindy knows, I never could do the lip reading and signal **** she and mom use.

I get distracted with the animation.

my impulsivity is at it's finest when I'm hurt, nervous, or uneasy.
....I seem to chatter, and say really dumb stuff....

I just talked to him breifly.
......I said,

you're gonna have to stop this, you're starting to upset people.
....he laughed.

I said,

at least I had the good taste to rot some,
.....so people knew I was gonna die ahead of time.

he laughed again.

I surrounded him with light.

his nurse came in.

......I said i love you, so did he.

and that was it.

"they thought it best, if i was not there for the dr's diagnosis"

....I think so too.


What is so mind boggling here is, david is falling apart like a cheap alarm clock.
......this guy and I moved a dresser up 3 flights of stairs last week.

wtf?

.......he is younger and appeared healthier than my dad.

who is diabetic and eats sugar like crazy.


but, it's like mom's mad at my ADD....

......like it's a real hassle right now..

*sigh*

WOW

that sucks

make me remember to appreciate what and who I have

thank you...

My uncle has gone to a hospice house....
.....my family is really upset......I STILL don't want to go see him, because
of the dirty looks, when I say something stupid.

..................it outta be an interesting thanksgiving.

I'm pretty sure no one cares, but, I feel bad for not going, and bad when
I go, because i chatter when I'm nervious.
.............so It helps me just to write about it.


remember, I told you I helped them move a week before he got diagnosed?
.....well, LOL! there's four flights of stairs to go up...to go in their new,

soon to be old house.

It's on the intracostal...meaning its a large stream that stems from the ocean...

like for example, if the ocean was a tree....the intracoastal water ways are like tree branches..
...only...it's water branches.

He was a park ranger for the county, and was gonna over see this park, on one of the branches of water
....so it had to be HIGH up...in case of flooding, from hurricanes...

It's quite beautiful...

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b219/suzannex/2141829102_fe6219b729.jpg


.....there's all these dfferent level decks.....over looking the water....and moss trees all over...very tropical.
it looks like lord of the flies.

..He wanted to go there to die.

but with a variety of tubes stuck in his body, to drain his lungs for example...
...they keep filling with fluid...and other IV tubes....it's impossible to bring him there.

so he went to a hospice house to die.

I keep praying it will be fast, and it appears to be working.

....in 4 weeks from the tme we moved, I hardly recognize him, and he does'nt know me either.
he's in delirum.
....the dr's and nurses say "they never saw someone deteriorate that fast"

*sigh* .....fast is good.

light surround him and my family....


this is what hospice is...


The Hospice Concept

Hospice is a concept of caring derived from medieval times, symbolizing a place where travelers, pilgrims and the sick, wounded or dying could find rest and comfort. The contemporary hospice offers a comprehensive program of care to patients and families facing a life threatening illness. Hospice is primarily a concept of care, not a specific place of care.

Hospice emphasizes palliative rather than curative treatment; quality rather than quantity of life.

The dying are comforted. Professional medical care is given, and sophisticated symptom relief provided. The patient and family are both included in the care plan and emotional, spiritual and practical support is given based on the patient's wishes and family's needs.

Hospice care is provided to patients who have a limited life expectancy.

I missed this the first time you posted. I'm glad you updated it. And I'm glad you are sharing. I haven't had anyone in my family go through something like this. I wonder how that would go?

I think that it is so cool that you made him laugh about his condition. When I'm in a place that I don't like, humor is how I deal too. It seems like an ADD thing.

I know you feel bad for not going, but you know what the best thing is for you to do. It is your job to make sure you are okay.

I hope that everything goes as smoothly as it can, and everyone gets along!

I'll be watching if you have any more updates.

Hi Sus!

I'm so sorry to hear this for you and your family. It sounds like you and your uncle had some really good times that you can hold onto long after he's gone. Don't worry what others think about what you say or do when you go to see him, the important thing is dealing with your relationship with him the way that you are comfortable with. Emotions can run high at times like this, and people sometimes say mean things or give looks to others, but when it's all said and done, they will probably forget what even happened. So, just deal with it the way you feel best, and be at peace with the way you are handling things, despite what any relative might think.

55 years old is too young. My condolences for you and yours. It's always hard when a person appears to be healthy and declines so quickly.

Hospice is a wonderful organization that does things most people couldn't handle doing. If you go visit, be sure to thank them. It will no doubt brighten their day.

Oh, and that picture you posted above is beautiful. I want to go there.

Take care Sus,
Mike

I've been praying for it to be quick...



I went, to see him, for the last time..
........now, they are saying, 24 hours, until he dies. :(

I can't handle it, and we don't recognize each other anymore anyway.

....on a higher note,

I heard from God's Suzie..
.....she said..."this baby will come"....


rewind , my uncle's daughter has had 3 miscarriages...
.....she wants a baby so bad, and she is pregnant again, and due in 2 months.

fast forward.....at the SAME time, I was driving down the street...

....I heard "this baby will come" ....and flushed with chills.

I KNOW it WILL.
......and I KNOW that was God's Suzie's voice.


My uncle, who has been in a coma like state for the last 3 days...
......sat up in the bed....and said
"AM I EMINENT?!"
....my aunt said, the nurse said "Yes sir, you are"

he said
... "How long do I have?" ....the nurse said...24 hours. ..

he said "I'll make it until my daughter gets here"

meanwhile, in tampa...

......The daughter, that is pregnant, was trying to make it to see David TONIGHT....
she can't get here until tomorrow...but he didn't know that.

.....They are saying agent orange caused the cancer, he was in the Vietnam war.
He is full of strawberry preserves inside, he's eaten up with malignant cancer tumers on every organ in his body.

...he's 58 years old, and his son is 18...his daughter is 25....my aunt is 9 years older than me.

my family is devastated.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBfjU3_XOaA

this was a complete surprise.

.............he's been sick a long time.
No one knew...
..........this all went down in three weeks.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPioSdlIERg


*cries*

Thanks for sharing the wonderful stories about you and your uncle. I'm sorry that it has to be this way, but without getting too religious, if you believe in the Bible, that wasn't the way it was supposed to be in the beginning of mankind. This life often isn't fair, but you refer to God's Suzie a lot, and that tells me that you have some sort of hope. I'll leave it at that, without getting preachy.

(((((Hugs for Suzie)))))

Appreciate the life you have Sus, you've been given a wonderful gift, and from your own story, a second chance at it in coming through your addiction. Treat it with the respect it deserves, and take care. Grieve as you need for your uncle when the time comes, and let yourself process everything that is.

Mike

God's Suzie is my super consceince Mike...
....she's my direct link to "the power Gestalt" ...or God.

God's Suzie is my super consceince Mike...
....she's my direct link to "the power Gestalt" ...or God.

Yeah, that's what I thought. I was just pointing out that if you believe in God, then you probably have some hope of seeing your uncle again, or at least some peace with the death of a loved one, even though it hurts a lot. I was trying to point you to finding some solace in whatever faith you have, as your conscience is your guide to that faith.

Just trying to encourage you and send you some love in bad times. Like other times in life, this too, shall pass. Comfort to you and yours.

Mike

Suzy- the close relationship you had isn't really ending, not completely.

The chance to have times together in the future is what you are losing, and it is sad, awfully sad.

But the things that remain after he has passed on, the things you had in common, will still be special.

We had dear friend die last year, just after Christmas. He had lived a long time, but we miss him. Now, if I see or think of something I would want to share with him it moves me toward some sadness. But then I remember that that was part of what was special about our friendship - that we knew certain things about each other, and shared certain things (like certain sensibilities or mutual appreciations) and that we cared for each other.

You can continue to care for your Uncle, even when he is gone. And I think that the care he has for you will still remain after he has gone. He shared that care with you and now its part of what makes you a special individual.

That may sound hokey, but I still believe it is true.

You should allow yourself to be sad, but don't forget that there is still a relationship that exists, even though you will be so seperate.

Everyone looses their future some day, but the relationships we create don't end. If his absence overwhelms you, or his passing, think a bit about what endures.

Now, when I miss my friend, I take a moment to appreciate him, as well as to let my sadness come and go. I end up thinking of him chuckling at me, for being sad over something that we all must face. He'd actually chide me for stepping aside from enjoying my own life.

Try to find some special remembrances that give you positive feelings. But I know the sadness is real too.

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I know how hard it is when someone close to you dies so quickly.

It's like "where did that come from?"

I'm praying with you that his daughter makes it in time to see him.

And I'll be praying for your comfort. I think it's great that you and your uncle could joke about things. I'm sorry your mom and aunt got mad about it.

Everyone deals with things differently and there's no wrong way or right way.

You'll be in my thoughts today.

Nikki

grief has many faces

He's DEAD.
....He died at 7:30am

He died before his daughter got here.

,Im so sorry for your loss, you know where to find ears to listen to you,shoulders to lean on and hearts to share your pain...here for you

thankies jay~
.....there ain't much to say.

we can all start healing now.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GYI6XJH9Ss


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKlfX0vRcdk


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDWQ8w829tY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMYSWiPm7E0&feature=related

don't fear the reaper

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbWULu5_nXI

white shade of pale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcTHBOjnUss&feature=related

galaxy song - monty python



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TvaRcovy2I

xmas in heaven

Sorry for your loss.

I know what you mean about not wanting to attend the funeral. I've had to go to several within the last 8 years. When you look at them, they look as if all the life as been sucked out of them ( well it has, but you know what I mean right?). They kind of look like dolls. I dunno though, sometimes it's good to go and say some last words - made me feel better.

thanks sweetie....he will be cremated...the wake is Saturday.

....this is what makes me feel better...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsUM7V6Ku_8

I wanna play this one at my funeral.^

No replies are necessary.

....I'm kinda relieved the "human remains" thing about David's death is truly ending.

My poor mama, is really burning her candle at both ends. ....she has'nt even HAD a quiet moment, or day to grieve the loss of her friend/brother in law.

All David's friends call HER. .....and she has to talk about it, arrange the "after funeral buffett" get me and Daddy to wear the right clothes.
(I wanna wear my pink converse high tops, with black laces and black jeans)

.......When we lived in atlanta.. ...My mom was a bar tender at a biker bar for around 12 years. the bar owner Carol, my mom's BEST FRIEND in the world... .

....I was GLAD to see carol show up, the day after we found out he was dying....her presence helps my mom, SO MUCH, I have tears in my eyes writing it. ......she's a damn good friend to mom...and has been for 20 years.

My aunt Lindy, and Uncle David, frequented the bar, owned a Harley. ...and all that crap. The Bar does alot of GOOD things...annual blood drives, toys for tots runs...

...(I believe they just like giving blood, because they got drunker that night)

David has ALOT of friends from there....that are gonna come here, sunday

.....so, sunday, I'm s'posed to be at mom's at 2:00. they are actually closing US1 (the main hwy running thru flagler beach), for a motorcycle death parade, starting at the sea (AIA) and ending at the church about 7 miles from there....I dunno what else to call it.

....he was cremated.

So, I'll go, since i don't have to see him dead....I would'nt go to Roberts Funeral ...as much as i love him....I did'nt want the memory of seeing his corpse. it's his spirit I love, not the box he came in, and left behind.

....he came and saw me, the night he died, in my dreams anyway.

mom prepared a slide show of David's life, and she is doing the eulogy (sp?) ya know....where she talks about what a great person David was?
....THAT.

she read it to me the other day.....and it's gonna be very emotional...jeez.

......watching biker's cry, in addition to mom and lindy, and his kids lauren, and travis


But, this thing has been awful hard on mom
. ..........she loved David SO much, and Lindy is her little sister.... my mother took on the role of grandma, to lindy, when she died.
..........sometimes, mom is as much lindy's mom as she is mine.

Mom feels Lindy, Lauren, and Travis's Pain, so deeply....

....so do I....but, mom REALLY REALLY does...
to the point of it being scary to me, for her well being....
....if she has nothing to worry about, she'll borrow something.


she's a worrier, an enabler, a guardian, and just the most WONDERFUL person, and friend....you could EVER hope to have. ....even if she was'nt my mom.....her generosity, resilience, empathy, and LOVE is just astounding and extraordinary.

....MOM is what is just ripping my soul apart, because of her pain...
it puts even David's death in the shadow of it, even tho it's the cause.

david is not in pain anymore.

....MOM IS.

THAT is busting me up.
.......I have been going to Lindy's house, helping her move.

(actually, I move, lindy is a fluff chick, and mom is mom, so me and travis do it)


That part is very, very hard... .....it's the last place i saw David "OK"
....I helped him move in, of coarse. I have a van, so, whoever moves...

.................guess who gets an invitation, I can't refuse?

*smiles*

My parents run a self storage place, so we've been moving +!%! to a storage unit till she finds a place to

...............MOVE IT AGAIN! lol!


MY azz is KILLING me... ...it's 4 flights of stairs! ..LOL!

My job requires heavy lifting, so, I'm strong ....but, my big fat azz, is usually not involved....

......at work...we are stocking for xmas.....and the way it works, is, we are called "the flow team"

.....we flow the merchandise in the door, and thruout the store.

we unload the truck, it comes down a conveyer belt, and you put the apporpriate numbered boxes, on the pallets behind you.

......USUALLY, almost always... I am a "bowler" ....meaning....the pallets, with boxes of stuff are brought out, and put at the end of the isles, of their general stocking destination after they are loaded up.... ....and replaced with another pallet to fill.

I take each box, load as much as i can fit into a shopping cart, and drop it exactly where the destination location, of the product, is to be stocked.

....the reason it's called bowling, is, if it's not breakable, we slide it down the isles.

and for some reason, I'm good at this.

THEN...

....we (the flow team) start at isle 1 in target, and we FLOW, as a team, thruout the entire store.....UNTIL EVERYTHING IS STOCKED.

....just because my schedule says 10 pm to 6 am....does'nt mean I actually LEAVE then, UNLESS the truck has been worked, and we all leave together.

what's weird, is I go by color.
...and I'm faster than the bar code people , or at least AS FAST.

I back up from the isle.... hold the item up...and match it's color.

..to find where it goes.... ...if I have'nt memorized it yet.

I've always gotta be different.. ....but, they don't care as long as it gets there.


so, yeah, you can say, "I'm tired. I wanna go" ....but, you get HOURS and RESPECT, for being among "the last men standing"

so, it's kind of an endurance contest.... ....and it's very fast paced, and I can hold my own.

it turns out...everyone HATES to stock cosmetics, especially the men, but not excluding, the women.........

it's very tedious, and the product goes in these snug displays...

........so you can easily knock down the whole shelf's merchandise .....like dominoes....

...and it's MY favorite thing to do. so, they put me there....to stock cosmetics, while the flow team stocks pets, and sporting goods...

.....they say, I'm the fastest they ever saw at it. and they are damn glad, they don't have to do it.

........so, I'm alone a couple hours, and meet up with the flow team again, usually in toys....
.........and we all continue together....

this morning, I got off work at 9:00 am.

.....any way. that's what I am doing these days....
that's where I've been, and why my on line hours are so weird.

..... and soon to conclude the story of David's death.

well that was the saddest freaking thing on earth.
....the funeral was....good, for funerals.
he was a biker, so we all met down the street for the funeral
like 50 other bikers, friends showed up...
...to ride down US1

I saw David there 3 times.
....there's all these bikers and loved ones....outside, talking, waiting for
the police escort.

I heard him laugh, and turned around and saw him walking away.
....and I saw his face 2 other times THERE in the woods where we met up

but, not at the church.

they did the slide show of pictures of the fold.

...the soldiers did the sad bugle song...

2 eulogys...

it was overwhelmingly sad sometimes...and I had to go outside and separate myself from it.

and there was a good turn out, to support each other
he had a lot of friends.