View Full Version : is anyone here a master of disguise????


lucky_turtle
11-06-08, 12:07 PM
i have had depression for 6 years now. along with anxiety for a long time. i was sexually abused as a child for a few years, yet even before that i had all the symptoms of ADD i belive the ADD ****ed it all up. i had no social skills, was bullied for my stupidity and lack of social skills. i had no confidence and i latched onto anything that wanted to be my freind-which led me straight into the hands of an abuser.

i spent years unaware this was abuse but didnt tell anyone as i knew somewhere it was wrong, but that i was wrong and would be in trouble. i spent years fighting with myself to prove my self in other ways, trying to do well in school and build freindships. i succeeded in some of these but it was the worst ride of my life.

by 14 i was cutting to make myself sit and concentrate, as punchisment, i felt like crap and thought i was incredibly stupid, actually lacking so much in common sense that i genuinely felt there was something physically /mentally wrong with me. i had freinds though, yet no one knew. i kept this secret for years-everyone just thought i was the same old spacey dozy me.

every day id wake up crying and wanting to commit suicide but i could not leave my family, they had no clue either. id sit in the back of the car on the way to school choking back tears of desperation, sometimes id cry very silently. id get in an sit and stare with the odd out burst of me trying to appear normal. id take breaks during class to cry in the toilets, i never listened in class anyway and was hopeless, but with depression i was not even in the room basically. id come home, go to my room and cry my eyes out for hours while cutting, come down for dinner and act normal, go back up and when everyone went to sleep id start my cutting and burning rituals.

this went on for many years and on occasions hung out windows, tried to drown myself and put myself deliberatley in risky dangerous situations. over the years i built up two people, the person i am with freinds and family and the me that sits in my room when everyone is gone, or when no one is looking. ive done it so long ive lost touch i cannot even show my feelings when i need to, not to a counsellor, a doctor, a freind or parents, i cant be intimate as i feel nothing, i cant handle being with someone genuinely but im lonely without it.

when im pretending it comes so naturally its almost like its a separate outfit i put on. im loud, buzzing and hyperactive, i laugh and am quick witted, im fiesty and 'thick' skinned' and to the point.

yet, actually im very sensitive, i am easily hurt by anything , i cry easily and i do worry. im actually very tired all day, im aching over my whole body and i cut and burn still. yet no one would even belive me if i told them, theyd think i was being a drama queen. yet ive been advised to go to hospital on occasion. i remember days of carting around a mini pharmacy in my bag because i was about to overdose unless something changed that day, i was bawling my eyes out in some random park in the ****ing rain, soaking wet, i ended up at some emergency counselling place being suggested i go to hospital. yet at 6 i burst through the door all smiles asking what was for dinner. after i went to my room and cut. its like two people.

sometimes i wonder if the ADD is a good way of hiding it, im very good at being who im not, ive learnt to fake it all my life with everytthing and this to me is just an extension of faking. the energy is mental energy not physical, yet it seems that way. i dont know, i feel very alone a lot, because no one quite gets why i do somethings, yet i have good reason. im just the least likely person youd expect to be on the edge half the time.i appear so positive, everyone thinks im sooo laid back and dont care, but i care deeply i think of everything everyone says, i over analyse, i see black when i look ahead and i have no idea how ill cope tomorrow.

anyone else here spent so long building a mask its permanatly stuck to your face with everyone and it is never coming off even if you try??

xx

busyhermit
11-06-08, 01:38 PM
Gotta work right now, dear turtle - but I'll be back. Check out my last post in your "brain chatter" thread (#36?). I relate in many ways.

busyhermit
11-07-08, 12:24 AM
Hey turtle. So you read my other post, and we can relate to each other in feeling like we're two people. Rational vs. Emotional. When I am around other people, I've always felt myself to be a pretender. I reflect back what I believe they expect of me. I'll even pick up a customer's accent just during a phone call. It's all such a habit, that it is automatic - but it does take a great deal of energy. If I must be around people for a time, it isn't long before I am impatient to leave - and generally with a tension headache to boot.

So here's what REALLY sucks. I can't wait to be alone so I no longer have to "act", but when alone the emotions run wild and I can find no escape except in self-injury or sleep. So, I don't like being around people, and yet somehow my sanity depends upon them. :confused: That bites.

All that considered, it is no wonder that having been a "mirror" all of my life, I have no identity of my own. Haven't even figured out what that word means yet.

At any rate, you do sound quite depressed and anxious. Have you looked into medication?

lucky_turtle
11-07-08, 03:33 AM
hey,. i so know what you mean with no identity of your own. i depend on others but i too need to be alone a lot. i find myself going out and then desperate to come home even tho its as if im having a good time, yet when i come home i hit rock bottom, often cut or cant see anything but that or sleep.

i have been depressed for a lonmg time, ive been on prozac and am currently on citalopram(celexa), im also in counselling. ive been round a few counsellors and am also in a support group. im a right mental health system conesuir.

what about you-are you in treatment?

reesah
11-07-08, 06:30 AM
My mask is the opposite. I pretend to care, to be sensitive or upset or kind. I pretend I am involved emotionally with people. I'm not. I too long to get home and be alone at the end of the day and take off the mask and just relax.

Mantis
11-07-08, 10:36 AM
I found this old blog from 2005 when I first started to become distressed by the way my mind works:

November 28th, 2005
"Hmm yeah so today I woke up feeling really confused. I realised that I wasn't sure about anything anymore. Like my opinions of everything in the whole world are VERY susceptible to change right now! I don't know why this is, but it's not really a problem. I'm just very confused as to who I actually am and who I want to be if that makes sense. Hah, but then this seems to happen a lot, I seem to change my mind about things nearly every week. I wonder if I'll ever settle on anything? And if I did, would that be a good thing or not?"

I still feel like I'm not sure who am some days. I cant picture how people view me really. I have so many ideas about myself in my head, I'm not sure which is the reality, or if they're all the reality : S
I'm not sure if this is related to what you're saying by the way, but this topic made me think of it at least!

busyhermit
11-07-08, 11:06 AM
hey,. i so know what you mean with no identity of your own. i depend on others but i too need to be alone a lot. i find myself going out and then desperate to come home even tho its as if im having a good time, yet when i come home i hit rock bottom, often cut or cant see anything but that or sleep.

i have been depressed for a lonmg time, ive been on prozac and am currently on citalopram(celexa), im also in counselling. ive been round a few counsellors and am also in a support group. im a right mental health system conesuir.

what about you-are you in treatment?

Been the round myself since I was a teenager. The typical anti-depressants (SSRIs and SNRIs) seem to have little, if any, positive effect on me - but do have negative effects. In many cases they've made me think about suicide a lot more, and also make me extremely jittery. I have what they've called "agitated depression", meaning lots of anxiety mixed with the depression.

So finally, this time around (a decade later and different doctor) I've been prescribed some different things. Low-dose daily Klonopin has really helped what used to be constant anxiety. Celexa didn't do a darn thing but make me agitated and jittery, so I've been taking Lamictal with it for some time now. I guess Lamictal is typically used for Bipolar, but has really worked to even out my radical mood swings. So those two meds have helped a great deal - I can deal with everyday life a little easier - but I'm still somewhat depressed. Tasks and motivation are still a struggle. I still self-injure, but no thoughts of suicide.

I AM in therapy, and for once in my life it was helping a lot, until my therapist suddenly moved. I was assigned another, which I saw a few times, then got a letter in the mail saying I'd been assigned to a third (with no explanation). So I'm very depressed and anxious about therapy now. I don't want to spend my life feeling this way, but don't know if I have the strength or trust to start all over with another therapist. I trusted the first and revealed things to her that no one else on earth knew. But having been "abandoned" now I am guarded, and don't know if I will find it in me to go through that again.

Yikes - sorry so long, but you asked ;) ! This is what I'm struggling with now and I think the therapist situation could have much to do with my current depression. After all, I have come to believe that medication can take me only so far. My way-out-there negative thinking will continue to beat me down unless it is somehow changed. There's the rub, as they say - is it really possible to change the way a person thinks? I have been this way for a lifetime. It is who I am. I cannot visualize something else, something "better". Can anything really be done with that? My first therapist had me believing that things really could change. But she's gone, and I'm angry with myself for letting my hopes be raised.