View Full Version : Ready to give up


Meeko
11-08-08, 02:39 AM
I don't know why I chose this forum specifically for this thread, but I guess depressed best fits what I'm feeling right now. I sorta feel like venting and also wouldn't mind talking to someone...

Back in the summer I entered a pretty prestigious engineering school, it was conditional that if I attended the summer session that I would be accepted and could enter in the fall. This was amazing for me, since I felt that I hardly tried in school and this would open up many opportunities to me. I guess I also somehow felt that things would change, I wouldn't play video games all day and classes wouldn't be extremely boring. It was only two classes and they were really really easy, and I ended up getting B's in both of them (did homework at the last minute and didn't study). I complained once to my mom that I couldn't really concentrate during english class but it didn't seem that big of a deal.

Problems became apparent when I signed up for AFROTC. This was something that I became very excited about. I've always wanted to be a pilot and it could be achieved if I put in some hard work. Well, 1 month into the semester, I was late to one class and I dropped out.

It became a big deal a month or two into fall semester, when I had huge computing for engineers homework that needed to be done and I just couldn't stay focused for the life of me at a help session (with everyone talking and doing stuff around me). I became extremely frustrated and got a 0 for the assignment. This, however, was only the first and pretty much from there on I stopped doing homework in calculus and cs. It was just too mentally exhausting or something. I don't know. I printed out about 6 pages of my calculus homework and took it to a nice and quiet room and laid it on the table but my brain just would not function. At that point I finally realized that I needed to get help or things were going to get bad (and pass up the opportunity to be at this school).

Around this time (can't remember if it was before or after) I saw my family doctor and told me that it is probably college anxiety, that there seems to have been no problems during high school so I most likely don't have ADD, but if you want you can see a psychiatrist. So we set up an appointment with a psychiatrist, and also a psychologist at my school. That was three months ago.

Long story short, the psychiatrist put me on Lexapro, and after three weeks I started complaining again that I couldn't concentrate in class, couldn't do homework, etc. So we set up an emergency meeting and she gave me abilify. A couple hours after I took that I felt extremely nauseous and threw up. After a few days I also started feeling verrry anxious. She suggested to put me on Geoddon but I said no and just stopped the Lexapro and Abilify altogether, and stopped seeing her. I was suspicious of her because she was moving to a new office and seemed preoccupied, my parents didn't really like her either. She did not think I have ADD
I dropped the tough classes (computing for engineers and chemistry) and went to part-time status. I also went to the ER. That's another story I guess.

I was seeing this psychologist at the school and I suggested ADD, and he thought it was just college transtioning/anxiety as well. He made me do some breathing exercises. The 2nd or 3rd time I went he gave me a screening for ADD, and said that a full battery could reveal more. So I took the full battery. Meanwhile, I withdrew from school because I was skipping class and not doing any work.

Dropping out made me feel pretty low. Everyone asked "Are your parents ****ed?". and the answer was no, they were actually the ones who wanted me to drop out. I wanted to stay in so badly. I want to succeed here so badly. My parents didn't do anything to help me get to where I was.

I also found a new psychiatrist who wanted to wait for those test results that my school psychologist was doing. Well, today the school psychologist called him and said that it seems that I'm going through severe depression and anxiety and since I didn't have any problems during childhood it most likely isn't ADD.

I was looking forward to those results for so long. I was hoping I could go to school next semester and everything would be fine. But he said take some lexapro and come back in a month.

I don't think I can wait a month. Even before that appointment I was thinking of just ending it with a rifle in my dad's basement. I was completely sure that the tests were going to be positive and today was going to be such a relief. Even the wait for today seemed excruciatingly long. But I was willing to wait because I read these forums and I was like "holy moly, I can finally relate to someone" . I've seriously probably read every single diagnosis, general ADD, and medication thread. It's given me hope. I also found out that my cousin has ADD, and possibly my mother.

Instead, I've had to deal with dropping out of my dream school, having my roommate, both my parents, two psychiatrists, a psychologist, and a family doctor give me their doubts about me not having ADD. Almost every one of them says "it's just a rough transition, everything's different from home". No, I am more than happy to be here. and in the summer I did perfectly fine, besides the classes. I don't know how much more I can say that there is something other than depression going on.

bit of background i suppose..,life was great until high school when I dropped out of everything (cross country, swim, soccer, tennis, and stopped hanging out with friends). I got into video games and put about 2200 hours during sophmore and junior year. senior year I finally decided to give it up but I still felt hollow and bored at school (usually slept in all classes, even APs). I used video games as an escape. I felt exhausted when I came home from school and usually napped. I hardly had any friends. My homework and studying consisted of A. Doing it as fast as I can before the deadline, aka right before class or B borrowing from a friend. I felt like high school was torture and it makes me sick to my stomach to even go there.

Anyways. it feels like everyone around me is just having a dandy time in their lives and college is just a fun happy place. I sit here out of school, I don't feel pleasure in anything anymore, I have terrible relations with my parents, don't have hardly any friends, I can't imagine having a girlfriend, and it's like has lost any bit of color that it ever had. I've forgotten what it even feels like to be happy.

My dad's been wanting me to move to his apartment and take a break from school. I'm thinking I might do that and take up drugs or possibly just end everything. I don't know. I've never felt so hopeless in my life. thanks for reading if you went this far.

sarek
11-08-08, 12:41 PM
Why would you quit so soon? I have spent many, many years with vague complaints and a host of inexplicable failures. It took me twice as long as it should have to finish college. I was smart, why couldn't I be successful? And no one every noticed anything let alone offered any help.

And yet, after this forum helped me discover the truth about myself, I have finally found a way to accept myself as I am. Yes, even be positive about it.

You can do that too. Though you don't state your age you are probably still reasonably young. You at least have a suspicion of what is troubling you. Sooner or later a therapist will see the light and prescribe the right treatment.
Just remember to face them well prepared. Tell them the whole story. Tell them also what treatments have failed to work for you. Even tell them what you just told us, if necessary. It is their job to help you.

And lastly, don't forget we are with you as well.

busyhermit
11-08-08, 01:45 PM
Hi Meeko - thanks for sharing about yourself. What you describe at the end sure describes depression - when there is no meaning, pleasure or color to anything - no apparent reason to go on. But, I'm not saying that's your only issue. I spent my life since childhood with general and social anxiety, depression and undiagnosed ADHD (inattentive). Since I did OK in school, I was just thought of as odd - distant - a "space cadet". Hated school. Did everything at the last minute. Managed to graduate college, but only because I had the "amazing ability" to cram all night and remember the facts for about 12 hours - long enough to make it through the exam ;).

I guess the worst thing is that I seem to have no control over my motivation. It seems like everyone around me can just logically decide what ought to be done, then get up and do it. So simple. So easy. Me? It's all a struggle. So much paralysis, procrastination and guilt about not doing things as I "should". And yet, there I am, unable or unwilling to move. Even if it was something that I really wanted. So my opinion of myself all of my life is that I must surely be lazy. I must be immature, stupid and lazy.

Then, like you and Sarek and so many others, I discovered this forum and learned that I was not alone! Gave quite a boost to my self esteem to learn that maybe I was not so bad. Perhaps many of my problems could be explained by something other than laziness. Even though the problems are still there, I can accept them - that this is the way I am, and it doesn't mean that I am defective or a loser.

I have a psychiatrist, medications and therapy that help with the anxiety and depression. Like you, they don't always agree on whether or not I have ADHD. I can't deal with stimulants anyways, so it doesn't really matter. It is me. I accept that I do things differently, that I need help remembering things. I can joke about it when I burn dinner AGAIN.

Point is - you're OK man. Please don't pick up "substances" - though they seem to be a solution at first, it is a lie. I've been down that road to destruction and only escaped by the skin of my teeth.

Just hang in there. Cut yourself some slack. See if you can get some help for that depression, and keep coming around the forums for support!

Meeko
11-08-08, 01:49 PM
I feel like giving up because I feel like I'm wasting my life away (im 18). For the past 5 years most of my days have been spent sitting at a computer. Even if I did start doing well in school and everything, I feel like it wouldn't matter. Because I don't enjoy doing anything. I just don't see it getting any better. I feel like I'm different from everyone and I have to pretend to act "normal". I'm sick of pretending and I don't want to do it anymore. It's like my life is one big "act" for everyone else. At first (around 7th grade), it was OK because I didn't stand out and I didn't mind it. But I've learned to supress all of my emotions and it's like I'm being fake all the time, I've lost any sense of self-identity.

All these people telling me that it is just depression makes me doubt myself and feel like this is the way it is supposed to be. And if it is, then I don't want to go on anymore.

SuzzanneX
11-08-08, 02:22 PM
November 06, 2006 , I wrote this...
I attended a class for women who did'nt know what to do with themselves.
....it was a career aptitude class, ,to help me decide what I wanna be..
..and write a resume....




Today we were talking about things that block your path in the right direction.



procrastination
fear of change
fear of success
fear of failure
unclear goals


THe class started talking about what their problems were.


Well, normally, I have pretty good assertion, and self confidence....
.....but when it comes to my art....I shy way WAY down.

I feel like an imposter.
......like If I try to get work as an illustrater....they will "expose" my
inadequacy, and point me towards the sunset.


Back in 1986 when I was in art school....
....I went for commercial art.....I did'nt know I was ADHD.

I did'nt realize their are "art machine" left brain, put out the product, type artists.

People told me my whole life, I should be an artist...
........"I was so good at it" and "I am gifted"

Well, I got to art collage, and my peers, BLEW by me....
.......................left me in the ****ing dust....
.......they put out BETTER, FASTER.......more clever, cleaner, better lettered.

ART
............than I could even belive.

I felt like I was chasing a ferrarri, riding a big wheel.
......I could'nt keep up.

I was failing at what was supposed to be "my calling"

.........My classmates were either dropping out, or popping off a masterpiece a day.

the best students seemed mechanical, joyless, and detached from their work.

......................but exactly the kind of artist, you find bidding for pepsi, and coke commercials for the superbowl halftime.

So, I started doing speed.


......now, I could keep up, but, I could'nt sleep of corse...
so I did 3 projects a run....


.....I started realizing I could'nt do ot without the speed.
I realized, there would be times, I could'nt afford to do the speed...
......and I felt pressure to get the speed, to keep up with the class.

I did'nt know I was ADHD.

...so I was young then, and never reached a bottom.
I thought, I can't keep up this pace.

it's killing me.

....so I thought, I had a dead hostage.

my talent was not the kinda talent it takes to be an artist.

.......so, I became a waitress.

I told myself, I did'nt wanna be reclusive anyway...
...and thats why I CHOSE to be a server.


and when I could afford it...
....I did speed to draw pictures, at my leisure.

as a server, I always had positive feedback.
..........thats why I started writing a waitress resume...instead of an artist one.

deep down, I feel like people will say...

not fast enough
not good enough
................you're not an artist.

like...

"my hands are talented, yours are not" .......remember how bad that upset me?
.....when the faux art guy I worked for said that to me ?

so, there it is.

.................so, it was a complete shock to me, that when I told the class.

....I'm not good enough, talented enough, fast enough, I'm not what anyone wants
I can't charge for it.....it's bunk.

.......and busted out crying......I still can't belive it.....I had buried this little
pussbucket of unworthyness so deep....I did'nt know I had it myself, till I said it.

..............the suorce of why I'm not an artist, hurts so bad to pull up.

that's the rotten, spoiled meat that has been stinking up my confidence.
.......it was that simple.

I as an 18 year old, choose the wrong area of art, AND did'nt know I was ADHD.
......so I thought I was "slow" and not good enough......it was'nt true and my soul has been smothering....



when I quit art school........I told my parents...

"it's too reclusive" I could'nt even say.....
......I'm not good enough, to them.

it would have hurt them.

....I said, I did'nt want to do that.


I also told MYSELF that.
......and kept that feeling of "substandard, malformed" creativity.

buried.

I felt like my talent was retarded.
.....litterally.

like I was born healthy....
....but my talent was like a dud....


......or sold cheap at marshall's because there was a mistake in the making of it .

irregular ......only $2.00......clearence.


....so the councelor/teacher said my homework, is to draw that pain and suffering a la twin peaks
...and tommorow, we'll have a ritual burning of those feelings.

and replace it will positive.


Have you ever thought, you are trying to be in the wrong field of work?
..........I should have studied to teach art.
not commercial art.

there was nothing wrong with me, except, commercial art was not my forte.
.....I'm not competative, or extremely fast.
but, I looked at it like, I was failing at what people said i should do.

I turned to drugs.


I'd give ANYTHING, if I could go back and NOT have done drugs.
......Belive me, drugs are a con artist that have screwed MILLIONS, of
BILLIONS of people the world over.

NO ONE....
.....NOT ONE PERSON.

has ever lived happily ever after with dope.

it hates you.

....it will break you.

you need to keep a stiff upper lip, and do what you gotta do to find the right doctor.

lexipro made me want to blow my brains out.

......please DON'T GIVE UP.

it goes this way, and it goes the other way to.

......please don't end up like me.

please.

...also, you won't get out of anything via suicide.

or i would have done it.

....I got a feeling you pay a high price cosmically, and the angels will weep.

you must try harder.

....if you try, you'll succeed.

love to you...

suzie

SuzzanneX
11-08-08, 02:37 PM
http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b219/suzannex/Never_Give_Up_Poster1.jpg

Howard_C
11-08-08, 05:14 PM
SuzzanneX - you are are an angel.

An angel in leather, LOL.


Hang tough Meeko. Your not down because life sucks. You down because you know life shouldn't suck, but you haven't found out to make it better for yourself.

Don't think of your life as being caught in a meaningless a problem, where your only choice is to turn away from something - there are positive things and you can move toward them.

*But first, find the positive things inside yourself and the ways to tap onto them.
(That will include things that really interest you and your own talents.)
*But first, you need to learn cope with the outside world better.
*But first, you need to learn some basic skills to use your mind better.
*But first, you need some good psychiatric care - including the right meds.

That's whats lacking right now.

You should try to follow that list from the bottom up.

It looks like ADD and it sounds like ADD. ADD can easily bring about anxiety and depression. But maybe there is another problem, and its causing ADD like symptoms.

Treating ADD is actually easier than treating depression. I would start with the assumption that you have ADD. If treating the ADD doesn't help enough, look into other diagnoses.

Find a Dr or a group practice that has lots of experience treating adult ADD.

Go slow on whatever meds are prescribed. You may need to try a few, or you may get great results early on. Still, it takes time.

Get supplemental counciling to learn how to better manage your life (managing your time, setting goals, setting priorities, etc). It will make your life bearable. You will start to see meaning and choices and you will start to like yourself again.:)

Do some research on your own (but don't become too obsessed w/ it). Especially anything that is actually prescribed for you. But focus on those skills - learning those skills will help you understand your self, believe it or not.

Good luck. Your story is the story of many people here.

Meeko
11-08-08, 09:42 PM
thankyou suzzanne, and everyone. im just so ready for a change. its nice to know i have support.

Johnny123
11-08-08, 10:30 PM
I can really relate to you in some ways, except that i'm younger and still in high school (hell). parts of your post i felt like i was reading myself in a way.

I wish you a happy life.

SuzzanneX
11-09-08, 08:53 AM
there is support for both of you here.
...you are welcome Meeko~

the one constant thing in the universe is CHANGE.
.....things will change.....you can make them change for the better.

The first step is love yourself.
.....you are a perfect soul. you came here to learn lessons.
Do your best to learn them.

I'd like to suggest a book to both you and johnny123.
....it's ADD friendly, I read it in one day.
it will give you the tools you need to survive.

http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/life1/lf1toc.htm

life 101 can be found in any library.

Johnny123
11-10-08, 06:35 AM
there is support for both of you here.
...you are welcome Meeko~

the one constant thing in the universe is CHANGE.
.....things will change.....you can make them change for the better.

The first step is love yourself.
.....you are a perfect soul. you came here to learn lessons.
Do your best to learn them.

I'd like to suggest a book to both you and johnny123.
....it's ADD friendly, I read it in one day.
it will give you the tools you need to survive.

http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/life1/lf1toc.htm

life 101 can be found in any library.

I hope my school has it, I dought but i'll do a search. Something to do in class, finally hahahah. crap i've gotta get back to some assignments i've got overdue from weeks and term's ago but i've gotta do em all by tomorrow.

Condorman
11-10-08, 02:08 PM
Meeko

I'll make you a deal. Pretty much where you are at I am at. I know I need help and am going to get it. My depression is at an all time low and I cant see a way out atm but I have always carried one thought with me throughout periods of depression which is, if it can be fixed for others then maybe I can also fix my problems. It's a glimmer of hope when all may seem lost.

So the deal is, lets go and get fixed together. Share our progress. Talk things through.

One thing I can encourage you on is the things you are doing are achievements. They may not feel like that sometimes but they are. That is where I struggle. I know I have achieved a lot. I just don't feel like I have and that is where I think a lot of my problems lie. i am trying to find out how to get the enjoyment back in my life and I think that is one of the first steps to try and re-learn

Let's get the help and also start to re-assess the good things. I've only recently been diagnosed as having a "significant case" of inattentive ADD but the depression is something I'm not being treated for and I'm starting to realise I should be. What do you think?

Meeko
11-10-08, 07:48 PM
That would be good I think.

SuzzanneX
11-10-08, 09:44 PM
hang tough meeko.
...keep a stiff upper lip.
you can do this the right way.

Condorman
11-12-08, 05:51 AM
That would be good I think.

Losing it more at the min. I need to get to the docs tomorrow if I can to get this depression in check.

When my sadness is heavy i get flashes (like photo flashes) in my head of me with a hose from the car exhaust. It's happening more and more often so enough is enough.

One question i would like to ask is has anyone built their confidence right up from it being totally destroyed as mine is. If I know that I can achieve that it wont seem so much of a lost cause as I feel it is at the moment.

**** this is bad at the moment

Meeko
11-13-08, 07:47 PM
Losing it more at the min. I need to get to the docs tomorrow if I can to get this depression in check.

When my sadness is heavy i get flashes (like photo flashes) in my head of me with a hose from the car exhaust. It's happening more and more often so enough is enough.

One question i would like to ask is has anyone built their confidence right up from it being totally destroyed as mine is. If I know that I can achieve that it wont seem so much of a lost cause as I feel it is at the moment.

**** this is bad at the moment

sorry to hear. i imagine i could build my confidence up if i could start doing the things I wanted (such as having ability to function at this school, lift weights to get in better physical shape, talk to people normally without having anxiety) and basically start feeling good about myself. I think doing things and talking with people you feel comfortable with builds confidence.

as for my situation, tomorrow I will go to "talk over" the results with my school's psychologist, in which he is most likely going to tell me that he thinks it is anxiety and depression from entering school. What really ****ed me off is when I said that I withdrew from school and would try to come back next semester and he said "Well I hope you feel better in January". If this is just depression then I'm completely hopeless because it's as if everyone has an ability that I don't have (doing homework, actually doing things, paying attention in class).

I'm also going to try to petition to faculty to come back to my school next semester, since I withdrew. It isn't a guarantee that I can come back and I'll be crushed if I can't. In fact, if I cannot, it might get pretty bad. Honestly if I can't come back to school that might just push me over the edge.

SuzzanneX
11-14-08, 04:13 PM
psychologist??

.....you need a psychiatrist! ....that's not an insult...that's how I got diagnosed.

SuzzanneX
11-14-08, 04:17 PM
A psychologist is a practitioner of psychology, the scientific investigation of the mind, including behavior, cognition, and affect.


A psychiatrist is a physician who specializes in psychiatry and is certified in treating mental disorders.As part of their evaluation of the patient, psychiatrists are one of only a few mental health professionals who may prescribe psychiatric medication

Meeko
11-14-08, 07:00 PM
I have both, the psychologist was trying to diagnose me. I talked to him today and he seems a bit clueless so I'll probably stop seeing him.

My psychiatrist put me on depression medication and I'll see him next month.

SuzzanneX
11-14-08, 10:37 PM
tell him IT WORKS! ...I'M DEPRESSED!! lol!

.....just kidding.
tell him it ain't workin'.

Meeko
11-14-08, 11:52 PM
lol...i think it might be working..i feel fine in day-to-day stuff. its just this situation that bothers me

Meeko
11-17-08, 12:21 PM
ok guys, today I am VERY excited. My GP put me on Vyvanse 30 mg. We'll see how it goes :)

whitestripesfan
11-23-08, 04:21 PM
HI MEEKO, Me im going through the same thing, i get days where things seem a little more hopeful, and others like today when i just want out,in a big way. i don't wnt to hurt my mum and sister but sometimes its just unbearable, and just want it all to stop,cause ive really had enough of myself and life,
i ve tried various anti deppressants over the years all have minimal effect.
well i wondered if Vyvanse is helping you, and whether you d recommend it, i have nt heard of this drug before, and would be grateful for any help you maybe able to offer,
best wishes to you Meeko, sorry to know you felt this bad, just hope things arre improving. love whitestripes x

Meeko
11-23-08, 06:02 PM
hey whitestripes..sorry to hear things are the same for you.

i started vyvanse a few days ago and didn't notice any difference besides feeling a little more relaxed and then got tired after a few hours. I was expecting a full-blown change of person with medication, guess I shouldn't get my hopes so high. two days ago I did 2x 30mgs and still didn't feel much different. then again, usually i just sit here on the computer all day since I have withdrawn from school, so maybe there is no way to test it yet. I'm going to keep taking it and I'll let you know if I see anything differences.

SuzzanneX
11-23-08, 09:55 PM
There is no "cure" ...for the human experience.

Meeko
11-23-08, 10:27 PM
it would be unreal to me if I could get my life "together", like do well in school, have some friends, and do normal things.

today i took one vyvanse and I cleaned my entire room and did laundry, which is abnormal.

whitestripesfan
11-23-08, 11:08 PM
I know what you mean "MEEKO" it would be the biggest gift, to have those things that others take for granted, friends, relationships, learning achievements,basically a future,instead of a hellish nightmare, the list just goes on.... i pray you see that change,please keep us updated,
The drug you mentioned VYVANSE sounds as though it maybe kicking in, hve you tried anti deppressants in the past ? they all work quite different i find, and even specific to the individual, but they definitely take a while to build up in your system, so keep on with them,it may even take a few weeks. so don't give up !
thanks for the info on Vyvanse, i so relate to the feelings of wanting to end it all, sometimes they are overwhelming, and i almost feel resigned to it. but maybe i ve stopped trying to look for a solution, maybe my problems have gone on too long and i've gotten too old and tired, and have just been bidding my time,and lately just kidding myself,and not facing my harsh reality. thats what drew me to the title of this thread, its just how ive felt today, but ultimately im inspired by your willingness to try, maybe its what i need , to hear someone else say exactly how bad it is,but still asking for help and advice. inspiring ..
and indeed Meeko, your still so young, so much opportunity stretching out miles in front of you. its hard to see,i know, but your being really level headed, you recognise how bad you feel, and have had the courge to come out and ask for help. something i could never have done at your age, so that shows intelligence and strength of character, all things that will hold you in good stead. well peace and blessings to you Meeko, love whitestripes x