This is a post that's sort of examining a new dimension of myself. Well, in other words.. I'm examining parts of myself for the first time, all of my raw and unsightly inner dimensions.

I don't know.. I have this habitual thing I do (and was wondering if any other women could relate) of coming increasingly close to honing in on something really possibly special with a particular someone (being my current boyfriend), and then BAM, I lose all rationality and feel as if someone's got me strapped in a rib-clenching straight jacket and I'm fighting for individual breath, and I just have to be GONE, removed. Wanting desperately, like a kid at Christmas, a partial lobe transplant of some sort-- in order to simply forget what came before. Because.. well.. that's what I do. I find it easy, in my life, to meet people, come near the approaching finish line, then hastily back away and wish for the past created to be all but an illusion, so that I can simply move on and not have to consider why I'm so ridiculosuly messed, but also to repress the good parts that I've chosen to leave behind, willingly.

Thing is.. I don't really think I have commitment issues. I mean, everyone, to some degree or another, has some form or another of an issue with committing their whole selves to another person or thing. I suppose it's just an issue when you're running as if your life depended upon it from every scenario, especially the loving ones, that begs you to question whether you have issues in the area.

I don't really know.. it's not a narrow scope likely (as to why I behave as I do). And sure I can probably attribute some of it to ADD and having been Dx'd late, considering all of my held onto hangups about that.

But I don't really want advice as to why I'm like this. I obviously need to consult a professional. I'm just curious if there are other women dealing with anything similar, and if so.. what's then your measure of dealing?

Like, I don't think (or haven't thought before) that I'm some kind of anomaly. But now that I'm like 23 and starting to actually analyze my behaviour with greater perception, I'm thinking: How perverse is it to actually consider that there are people out there (such as me), who are so seemingly phobic of the promise of happiness that the very propsect of it freaks them out so much, or they find the subliminal state of love to be inescapable (why?), so much that they have to, in fact, escape.

So then, I'm asking other women.. am I actually an anomaly, or are there others out there.. who FEEL this WAY? ..

I think I get what your saying. I'm married now and luckily didn't have these issues with my husband. However prior to marriage when I was dating I had something similar. Basicly I would have alot of interest in a guy and then after a few weeks when the newness wasn't there then I lost all interest to the point where I couldn't even understand what I saw in them in the first place. I think the problem was that I had too much expectation of what I wanted them to be instead of figuring them out. Then in the end they didn't match what I fantacised they'd be and I was disapointed. Also it didn't help that I was so impulsive and would jump head first into a relationship before I knew it was right for me. If this is similar to what you are expierencing then the best advice I can give you is to put on the breaks and keep anopen mind to what you might learn about him.

I'm very similar and I am 35! I've just ended a 3 month relationship with a lovely guy...well boy actually, he was only 26! But I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread but then woke up one morning and realised I didn't want to be with him. I have left a trail of broken hearts behind me as I flit from one relationship to another. I've decided that long term isn't for me as I could never imagine spending my whole life with the same person.
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be able to feel the same way about a guy for more than 3 months at least but I always follow the same pattern.....the same pattern as I follow with employment also. Enjoy my job to start then get bored to the point where I just have to move on. Don't mean to paint a miserable picture for you but when I look at most people who have been married for a long time I realise I'm better off the way I am.

Originally posted by Lola
Don't mean to paint a miserable picture for you but when I look at most people who have been married for a long time I realise I'm better off the way I am.

No.. I get you. While I think everyone longs for companionship of some kind, I keep thinking that the fact I'm not settling for anyone (or settling down), or running away? (people keep saying) possibly just means I have this fantasized ideal of who I should be with.. (though I don't think it's an unrealistic ideal...).

I'm just scared of growing old and being married to some old fart who knows nothing about me-- who I simply married because he liked something really arbitrary about me, such as.. my hair colour but then can't remember my "favourite colour." Okay, that's really literal and overdone, but I've seen couples who walk these similar narrow lines.

Ah well.. thanks for your post. It made me feel better.