View Full Version : the medication always fails me, i'm going insane.


deadonarrival
12-03-08, 03:48 AM
I've posted something similar, but had no response from anyone. I am so alone right now you guys, i'm having such a hard time with this and my boyfriend doesn't get it and nobody has experience with adderall. I really need some advice and/or similar experiences because I have no idea what to do at this point. I can't even begin to describe what i've gone through with this medication.
ANYONE WHO HAS ANYTHING TO OFFER IS WELCOME, I THANK YOU AHEAD OF TIME.
I started taking adderall to help balance my extreme behaviors and thought process, due to overwhelming thoughts leading to frustration- and it worked at first. eventually, like always, it stopped working, and then came the unbelievable side effects out of nowhere. like ALWAYS after about 4 months, i start realizing that I no longer have a personality, i'm always in a bad mood, i have no opinion or feelings about anything, and that i'm basically unhappy because i have no joy whatsoever. on adderall, i devote all my time to studying, i shut everyone out, i cannot have a normal conversation because i would rather be involved in some huge problem solving task. then, after i become unsocial, i stop being able to even study because my body gets so tense that i develop back problems and have uncontrolled anxiety. i no longer can even focus successfully because i am constantly so worried about menial issues and ocd concepts like whether or not my clothing is dirty. i cannot go to the library because i feel that everybody is staring at me or talking about me. i feel completely isolated and alone, nobody understands, i never feel good mentally or physically. i feel tired but with artificial energy. my body hurts. i quit doing everything i love, i quit being passionate. half the time i don't even want to attend class because having to sit down and listen is too much of a task. NOW COMES THE WORST SIDE EFFECTS. my body feels so shaky, that i cut myself shaving. my eyes constantly feel glued open, i cannot stop clenching my jaw or hands or any body part to the point where it leaves me bed ridden. i don't even know what THIS is, but my mind has been doing this thing where, say that I go to turn on the television, my BODY will do the task, but mentally i won't make the connection as to why i even turned it on or what the point is. for example, i flushed the toilet the other day before i even USED it? and then i had no idea why i even did it, like i am going insane. i feel like i am walking in a dream, not even part of my environment. in a very bad way, in a very scary way. i feel really, i guess, "outside of myself" is the best way to describe it. like i am watching myself live and not partaking in it. i want to scream or cry or explain and no words come out.

obviously this is not the right medication for me, and i don't know why i always come back to it. but without it i just lose my cool. i cannot handle when something bad happens without flipping out completely. and i think part of the reason i've stayed on my medication this long is to PLEASE everyone else!!! because god forbid, i disturb anyone by shouting or crying or having emotions. i am scared to lose my relationships because i have such huge depression and mental stability issues without this medication that i cannot let go of it for fear that i will scare others away. basically, it seems like everyone WANTS me to be unpassionate, unpersonable, and silent. my normal personality is loud, laughing, having a good time, extremely emotional and creative. adderall makes me lifeless and quiet, constantly with a scowl. if something bad happens i don't even make a responce, i just hurry to complete the next speed induced type of task that would satisfy my brain (like getting ahead on math problems or organizing the clothes by color). it's very awful.

i take lexapro too, and lexapro has always been of great help for my anxiety and ocd, so i have upped my 10mg dose to 20mg and completely stopped the adderall. today is the first day of doing this, and the first day i actually feel somewhat normal, and like i am actually part of this universe. i was smiling today, engaged in the lectures, talking to people i didn't know, and interested in having fun and relaxing. i didn't spend hours on my make-up or getting dressed, i didn't have anxiety, i didn't feel like people were staring and talking about me. i feel very much alive and not ... sedated? i'm not sure how to explain it.

i don't know what happened to me, i don't know if i overdosed gradually on adderall or if i had too much seratonin or something? is this just not a good drug for me? i've tried all different doses, ir and xr, nothing felt like a "match." i simply cannot do it anymore. please give me some feedback. has anyone gone through similar? i need to know that i am not completely alone in this and that it's not just all in my head. nobody else has ever taken adderall so they have no idea what is going on. please, any help will be supportive. thank you for reading i really appreciate it.

Bluerose
12-03-08, 05:11 AM
Sorry you didn't get much response but remember most people on here are going through something similar and may find it difficult to respond.

To begin with, don't expect anyone to 'get it' they won't. You are the only one who can make things better for yourself.

I can't help you regards the meds. Perhaps someone else will come along who knows more about that side of things. If your doctor prescribed them then you should ask your doctor to explain more about the medication.

Sounds to me like you might be trying to do too much all at once. Are you getting enough sleep and eating well? Do you do any exercises? It also sound like you may have some excess energy to burn. Taking control of these things will make you feel like you are back in control of your life and right now I feel that is what you need.

I wonder too if it might be more than ADD. Have you told your doctor about these anxiety attacks?

As for feeling shaky. You sure you are taking the right dose? You may be over medicating. But like I said I don't know anything about those meds.

I think you should go see your doctor tell him about all this other stuff that is going on.

Something else to think about, okay? EVERYONE can't be all these things you say they are being. But you can think they are. It may be time to take a look at yourself and stop worrying about what everybody else is thinking or doing. Accept that most of that is in your head and begin to work at getting control of your erratic thoughts.

Sound to me like you are having some serious mood swings, feeling way down and then very elated.

See your doctor and if you don’t get any satisfaction there, try seeing a new doctor. You really do not have to put up with all that that is going on with you right now.

Take care I hope you feel much better soon.

deadonarrival
12-04-08, 01:02 AM
Hmm, i'm now even more confused. I took 10mg of my adderall a few hours ago and i feel fine. I don't experience any of the very strange mental psychosis episodes or isolation. Now I am thinking that this whole time I was instructed to take between 30-50mg that it may have been overmedicating me, and all i should have been taking was 10mg a day. I think i am going to talk to my doctor soon and explain all of this. thank you for reading that long post, i tend to get very emotional and overwhelmed with these anxiety/add/depression medication issues at night and it is good to be able to vent all of it.

saradoll
04-23-09, 12:35 AM
your entry made me cry i know the exact feeling. its so hard to categorize but you described it perfectly. i didn't know if it would be considered to be anxiety, depression... i'm on strattera now but its starting to come back! i'm just less productive now because it isnt a stimulant. i think i might go back on stimulants and try and anti depressent? god i just want to find SOMETHING, i feel like im screwed no matter what.

adhdexi
04-23-09, 12:57 AM
It is so frusterating to go through this...I know. The reality of our disease is that it affects people differently, so medications affect people differently (at different doses) too. Another issue is the OTHER issues...most of us on top of the ADD/ADHD, have depression, anxiety, compulsions, etc. And the question is does one tie into the other? How does it all neurologically and historically tie in together? The reason why it is so hard to find the right treatment in mental health is because every person has had their own unique life experiences and patterns. We depend on our physicians to work all of this out...but we dont give them all the information...usually because there is not enough time in the 90.00 med management session alloted by insurance companies. So all we can do is pay attention to our own bodies, our thoughts, and our patterns. Discover where they came from and how they affect our lives. Predict how they might affect our lives in the future. And be responsible and consistent in the fact that we have to go through a trial and error process of treatments until we find the one we can work with...not just now, but in the future. As easy as it is to say, we must develop the ability to control ourselves and relax...even just a little bit is one step better. You will find your balance. You are working hard at it. It will happen. Just keep in mind why the task is difficult and know that it is one that not just experienced by you, but by every other person with this affliction. Damn it, if we werent just all the same...same chemical make up...same life experiences...same emotions...even same personality. That would make it a lot easier to find medications that work for everyone. But I would lay my life down for individuality over this struggle to maintain balance anyday. Hang in there, and dont give up....listen to yourself, take notes, and talk to your healthcare professional. Make them give you the time you need to explain your experiences and your needs. Otherwise the same script will be shot out of the office every thirty minutes and you will be home trying to find ways to self medicate (my experience). And I will say one last thing, without regard to those who disagree. Prayer is awesome. And I will pray for you that you find the resources, motivation, and strength to find yourself well soon.

Melody

saradoll
04-23-09, 09:03 PM
i know! i can't figure out what it is though and its driving me crazy! its also a little embarassing..i'm a senior in high school so my parents are still in charge of this stuff. i'm thinking about taking stimulants again and just trying antidepressants or something like that that goes with it to cancel out the bad side effects??? my parents may feel like i'd be overmedicated but i refuse to feel useless anymore it's just not okay. it's so hard to tell what is me reacting to whats around me vs something the medication is doing to me. it seems to never end. I agree with the part about having the same chemical makeup. awh melody thank you so much for your reply, I honestly do feel much more optimistic about things now.

taterbug
07-31-09, 04:28 PM
I feel the same as you and now I am ready to quit but I am scared. I just threw away most of my adderal and now I not sure. I think my dose is too high and I am also having horomonal problems. Don't know what to do. I hope you figure it out.