A1A5KA
12-06-08, 09:20 AM
Hi everybody,
Since this is my first post on this forum, I should probably introduce myself. My name is Amy, I’m 37 years old, single, never married, no kids. I live in Alaska and I’m currently a full-time college student.
I’ve been treated for depression on and off for years, but I was only diagnosed with ADHD two years ago. The actual diagnosis is for ADHD-Combined Type and I can see that since I do sometimes get hyper and impulsive, especially verbally, but in general I am much more inattentive than hyperactive.
As for treatment, currently I see a psychiatrist once a month and I am taking 15 mgs of Dexedrine and 20 mg of Lexapro per day. I also have access to services through my school’s resource center.
I go to a REALLY small school, our Counseling Center has one Psychologist, who is also the Director of Disability Services. The last few semesters, she saw me almost every week until she finally convinced me first to get tested for ADHD and then, when I was diagnosed, to actually try medication.
This semester, I saw her twice at the beginning of the semester to get accommodations set up for my classes but I haven’t seen her since. Instead, I’ve been meeting about once a week with one of her interns, a psychology grad student who has some training in ADD coaching.
On the ADD side of things it’s going pretty well. I’ve found that for the most part my reaction to ADD is sort of like the line from Fiddler on the Roof: “It doesn’t change a thing but even so, after (35) years …It’s nice to know!” It’s nice to have a diagnosis, a name, a reason, an explanation for why I am the way I am and why I act and think the way I do. And I’m really glad to find these forums and discover that I’m not the only one like this out there!
On the depression side of things, however, things aren’t going so well. And I really need to talk to someone about it, but it’s easier to explain things in writing and in relative anonymity, so I am going to do so here. I’d appreciate any comments or advice you might have. This is going to be a bit long, so if you’re not in the mood, you should stop reading here. But I hope at least somebody reads this. But if not, writing it was good therapy anyways.
Anyhow, this last year, my depression has gotten a lot worse. And I’m not really sure why. It’s not because I’m in a new state far away from my family, I was depressed when I lived close to home too. It’s not because it’s winter in Alaska and we only get 5 hours of daylight, I was depressed in the summer when we got 18 hours of daylight. And it’s not because my Dad died 5 ½ months ago, I was depressed before that too!
This last semester has been so hard. Not in terms of academics, but in terms of ADHD and depression. Luckily, only one of my classes, Chemistry, has been a regular, sit down, full semester type course. I actually took four classes: Chemistry, Trigonometry, Geography, and CPR/First Aid.
The CPR/First Aid course was more of a workshop, it actually only met twice, for a total of eight hours, and was done. We watched a video, practiced CPR on dummies, discussed first aid and we were finished. Easiest class I've ever taken!
The Trigonometry and Geography courses were both distance courses. My Trig class was especially good for someone who has ADHD. The class was taught entirely over the internet and the lectures were all pre-recorded so that I could re-watch them whenever I needed to.
My geography class was a little more distracting. It actually WAS a regular, full semester course, it just wasn’t in a normal classroom setting. Instead, everyone called into an 800-number and we all “attended” class over the telephone. Which was really distracting, I found.
I admit it, I usually listened in for the first few minutes, acknowledged the roll, and then tuned out the rest of the lecture. All the tests have been open book anyways, so if I missed something I can look it up.
Sound great, right? Yeah, well here’s where I am right now. This next week is finals and I’m hopefully getting at least a B in all of my classes except one. Chemistry. That class, I am going to fail.
Why? Because I only went to class 5 times. Because I only handed in two lab reports. Because I almost never studied. Why? Wasn’t I interested? Yes I was and I am. Didn’t I understand the consequences? Yes, I do. I HAVE TO pass this class and it isn’t offered again until next fall, which puts my graduation back an entire year! So what happened?
Here’s what happened and is still happening. I can’t think straight, my life is in chaos, I have no study skills, I have no time management skills, I’m depressed, I have no energy, I have no motivation and all I want to do is curl up in my bed and sleep. My teacher actually bent over backwards and allowed me to make up assignments and hand in reports late so as to pass the class and I don’t even have the energy to open the book.
I hate this! Here I am living out two lifelong dreams – I’m living in Alaska and I’m studying Marine Biology – and what do I do? I spend all my time locked up alone in my room. I should be out taking pictures, walking the beaches, looking for wildlife, snow-shoeing, etc, etc. But I just can’t work up the energy to even try.
I should not only be studying for my actual classes, but I should also be reading books and science journals to supplement my studies. Normally, I’m a bookworm and I own dozens of books, but it’s been months since I read one. I’m just not interested any more. In the words of the country song “My give-a-d**n’s busted!” I wake up every day and think to myself, ‘I hate my life.’
Now let me make one thing clear, I am NOT suicidal. I would never ever consider that. I don’t believe it’s an option. Why not? Well, to answer that I have to step delicately so as to not disobey the “don’t talk about religion on the forums” rule, but I will try to explain.
I believe that we existed, as ourselves, before we were born and that we will continue to exist after we are dead. I believe that this life is like a test in school. Luckily it’s open book and helping your neighbor is encouraged. But getting frustrated, tearing up the test and storming out of the room won’t solve any problems.
And that’s how I see suicide. It doesn’t solve anything; you just end up out of the classroom with a half-finished test. So I say again, I don’t hate LIFE, I hate MY life! I wish this was a computer game and I could press “Start Over”.
I don’t want to be somebody else, for the most part I like who I am. I’m just tired of being tired and depressed. The real me, the ‘me with just ADD’, is happy and energetic and a chatterbox. I love science, especially marine biology, the outdoors, plants, animals, and I am a total bookworm.
I make friends easily, I’m great with kids and animals, and if any of you want to come to Alaska, I have it on good authority that I’m a fabulous tour guide.
I flit from interest to interest, I can be reading six books at the same time, I’ve been known to have 16 webpages plus the radio plus a movie going all at the same time. I collect things, ideas, facts, and stories, I love to tell jokes and I’m great at photography.
I love something I read on a “You know you have ADD when” site that said “…you take your crocheting everywhere because by golly if I’m going to fidget, I wanna fidget productively!”. And so I do cross-stitch, calligraphy, and both regular and thread crocheting. That’s the real me!
But the me that exists right now is tired and sad and unmotivated. I feel like my mind is asleep. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I stay inside all the time, I don’t even know where my camera is, and I have no interest in books or crafts.
Even my ADD meds, which are supposedly stimulants, make me drowsy. I wish there was some way to wake myself up. Unfortunately, the only ways I’ve found that even temporarily wake my mind up are also things that I shouldn’t be doing because they border on being, as the saying goes, immoral, illegal or fattening. Not that I’m the sort to do anything too terribly wrong.
Mostly I get my adrenaline rushes vicariously, which is one reason I’m such a bookworm and why I love action movies and fanfic sites. But I’m tired of living my life on the sidelines, I’m tired of being depressed. I want to start actually living my life. Does anybody know how I can build a fire under myself and get some energy and motivation back in my life? If you do, I’d love to know! Or if you could just let me know you understand what I’m going through, that would help too.
Thanks for reading,
Amy
Since this is my first post on this forum, I should probably introduce myself. My name is Amy, I’m 37 years old, single, never married, no kids. I live in Alaska and I’m currently a full-time college student.
I’ve been treated for depression on and off for years, but I was only diagnosed with ADHD two years ago. The actual diagnosis is for ADHD-Combined Type and I can see that since I do sometimes get hyper and impulsive, especially verbally, but in general I am much more inattentive than hyperactive.
As for treatment, currently I see a psychiatrist once a month and I am taking 15 mgs of Dexedrine and 20 mg of Lexapro per day. I also have access to services through my school’s resource center.
I go to a REALLY small school, our Counseling Center has one Psychologist, who is also the Director of Disability Services. The last few semesters, she saw me almost every week until she finally convinced me first to get tested for ADHD and then, when I was diagnosed, to actually try medication.
This semester, I saw her twice at the beginning of the semester to get accommodations set up for my classes but I haven’t seen her since. Instead, I’ve been meeting about once a week with one of her interns, a psychology grad student who has some training in ADD coaching.
On the ADD side of things it’s going pretty well. I’ve found that for the most part my reaction to ADD is sort of like the line from Fiddler on the Roof: “It doesn’t change a thing but even so, after (35) years …It’s nice to know!” It’s nice to have a diagnosis, a name, a reason, an explanation for why I am the way I am and why I act and think the way I do. And I’m really glad to find these forums and discover that I’m not the only one like this out there!
On the depression side of things, however, things aren’t going so well. And I really need to talk to someone about it, but it’s easier to explain things in writing and in relative anonymity, so I am going to do so here. I’d appreciate any comments or advice you might have. This is going to be a bit long, so if you’re not in the mood, you should stop reading here. But I hope at least somebody reads this. But if not, writing it was good therapy anyways.
Anyhow, this last year, my depression has gotten a lot worse. And I’m not really sure why. It’s not because I’m in a new state far away from my family, I was depressed when I lived close to home too. It’s not because it’s winter in Alaska and we only get 5 hours of daylight, I was depressed in the summer when we got 18 hours of daylight. And it’s not because my Dad died 5 ½ months ago, I was depressed before that too!
This last semester has been so hard. Not in terms of academics, but in terms of ADHD and depression. Luckily, only one of my classes, Chemistry, has been a regular, sit down, full semester type course. I actually took four classes: Chemistry, Trigonometry, Geography, and CPR/First Aid.
The CPR/First Aid course was more of a workshop, it actually only met twice, for a total of eight hours, and was done. We watched a video, practiced CPR on dummies, discussed first aid and we were finished. Easiest class I've ever taken!
The Trigonometry and Geography courses were both distance courses. My Trig class was especially good for someone who has ADHD. The class was taught entirely over the internet and the lectures were all pre-recorded so that I could re-watch them whenever I needed to.
My geography class was a little more distracting. It actually WAS a regular, full semester course, it just wasn’t in a normal classroom setting. Instead, everyone called into an 800-number and we all “attended” class over the telephone. Which was really distracting, I found.
I admit it, I usually listened in for the first few minutes, acknowledged the roll, and then tuned out the rest of the lecture. All the tests have been open book anyways, so if I missed something I can look it up.
Sound great, right? Yeah, well here’s where I am right now. This next week is finals and I’m hopefully getting at least a B in all of my classes except one. Chemistry. That class, I am going to fail.
Why? Because I only went to class 5 times. Because I only handed in two lab reports. Because I almost never studied. Why? Wasn’t I interested? Yes I was and I am. Didn’t I understand the consequences? Yes, I do. I HAVE TO pass this class and it isn’t offered again until next fall, which puts my graduation back an entire year! So what happened?
Here’s what happened and is still happening. I can’t think straight, my life is in chaos, I have no study skills, I have no time management skills, I’m depressed, I have no energy, I have no motivation and all I want to do is curl up in my bed and sleep. My teacher actually bent over backwards and allowed me to make up assignments and hand in reports late so as to pass the class and I don’t even have the energy to open the book.
I hate this! Here I am living out two lifelong dreams – I’m living in Alaska and I’m studying Marine Biology – and what do I do? I spend all my time locked up alone in my room. I should be out taking pictures, walking the beaches, looking for wildlife, snow-shoeing, etc, etc. But I just can’t work up the energy to even try.
I should not only be studying for my actual classes, but I should also be reading books and science journals to supplement my studies. Normally, I’m a bookworm and I own dozens of books, but it’s been months since I read one. I’m just not interested any more. In the words of the country song “My give-a-d**n’s busted!” I wake up every day and think to myself, ‘I hate my life.’
Now let me make one thing clear, I am NOT suicidal. I would never ever consider that. I don’t believe it’s an option. Why not? Well, to answer that I have to step delicately so as to not disobey the “don’t talk about religion on the forums” rule, but I will try to explain.
I believe that we existed, as ourselves, before we were born and that we will continue to exist after we are dead. I believe that this life is like a test in school. Luckily it’s open book and helping your neighbor is encouraged. But getting frustrated, tearing up the test and storming out of the room won’t solve any problems.
And that’s how I see suicide. It doesn’t solve anything; you just end up out of the classroom with a half-finished test. So I say again, I don’t hate LIFE, I hate MY life! I wish this was a computer game and I could press “Start Over”.
I don’t want to be somebody else, for the most part I like who I am. I’m just tired of being tired and depressed. The real me, the ‘me with just ADD’, is happy and energetic and a chatterbox. I love science, especially marine biology, the outdoors, plants, animals, and I am a total bookworm.
I make friends easily, I’m great with kids and animals, and if any of you want to come to Alaska, I have it on good authority that I’m a fabulous tour guide.
I flit from interest to interest, I can be reading six books at the same time, I’ve been known to have 16 webpages plus the radio plus a movie going all at the same time. I collect things, ideas, facts, and stories, I love to tell jokes and I’m great at photography.
I love something I read on a “You know you have ADD when” site that said “…you take your crocheting everywhere because by golly if I’m going to fidget, I wanna fidget productively!”. And so I do cross-stitch, calligraphy, and both regular and thread crocheting. That’s the real me!
But the me that exists right now is tired and sad and unmotivated. I feel like my mind is asleep. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I stay inside all the time, I don’t even know where my camera is, and I have no interest in books or crafts.
Even my ADD meds, which are supposedly stimulants, make me drowsy. I wish there was some way to wake myself up. Unfortunately, the only ways I’ve found that even temporarily wake my mind up are also things that I shouldn’t be doing because they border on being, as the saying goes, immoral, illegal or fattening. Not that I’m the sort to do anything too terribly wrong.
Mostly I get my adrenaline rushes vicariously, which is one reason I’m such a bookworm and why I love action movies and fanfic sites. But I’m tired of living my life on the sidelines, I’m tired of being depressed. I want to start actually living my life. Does anybody know how I can build a fire under myself and get some energy and motivation back in my life? If you do, I’d love to know! Or if you could just let me know you understand what I’m going through, that would help too.
Thanks for reading,
Amy