After I got married and the kids were born I have had an overload of guilt, not really so much now their grown, but I had it ALL the time while they were young. Not knowing how to raise them, I had alcoholic parents. I just remember guilt, guilt all the time over everything. I still have some over taking pictures. I hate to take pics of the g_kids cause it seems like I should take a lot of them all in the same day to make up for not taking any for months...I don't know if anyone can relate to what I'm saying.

I notice my kids aren't guilty when they say NO or discipline the g-kids. They must not have it like I did. That's good though I hate the feeling, it's almost as bad as the feeling of jealousy. Anyone? TY all.

I'd say guilt is more like a possible by-product, but not a symptom.

It's a side-effect of undiagnosed ADD.

Really!

I'm just relieved to hear it gets better when they grow up! Mine are 2 and 4. Should I spank or not? Did I just wreck my kid because I yelled at him? Does my daughter have a fascination for her bum because she showered with me? Will they grow up hating all food 'cause I'm too lenient with snacks? Should I have had kids? Did I keep enough baby things in their keepsake boxes? Take enough videos to remember their faces and how their fingers looked?

Oh I hear ya!!!! I sooo understand,lol.

I bet you were a wonderful Mommy! Hopefully I'll say the same about myself one day too...:)

I notice my kids aren't guilty when they say NO or discipline the g-kids. They must not have it like I did. That's good though I hate the feeling, it's almost as bad as the feeling of jealousy. Anyone? TY all.

I vote for a combination effect as in you had parents whose model you did not wish to mirror which meant you had to "wing it" based upon observations out side of your family of origin - due to distractibility those observations can be spotty. I am seeing anxiety in your words and the guilt may be associated wit anxiety of being unsure of what exactly a good parent is supposed to do

Some guilt is a normal part of reaching the point where your children are grown or out on their own - I am unsure if it is due to changes in parent child relationship or simply having more time to reflect on all our past screw ups - I just know I went through some pretty bad guilt for a while after my girls left home and my kids had kids


Feeling some remorse and regret are normal I think as long as it isn't debilitating however should these feeling become be over whelming - It is then worth investigating with a counselor or some thing Alcoholic parents can leave some ugly marks in our minds that need to be dealt with in a more complex one on one manner.

It's a side-effect of undiagnosed ADD.

I agree.

When I was younger I hardly ever felt any guilt or remorse. I was who I was, said what I thought and did what I wanted with little to no regard for others. These days...well it's a different story. It's like I'm making up for my youthful years of f**k it, this is simply who I am.
Now I feel guilty for everything I do and have done. I'll think back to certain times in my life, to specific things I've said or done and feel so bad...I too feel guilty about my kids. I have a difficult time with discipline because of it. When some bad behavior rears its head, I somehow find a way to blame myself for it. "Oh I probably shouldn't have yelled, or smacked their booty, etc. That must be why they're doing this now." I know, realistically, this isn't the case. Heck, a lot of us had it WAAAY worse than our kids do!
I never thought to put that and adhd together though. Hmmm.

The Two Faces of Anger: Guilt and Resentment



Guilt is anger directed at ourselves--at what we did or did not do. Resentment is anger directed at others--at what they did or did not do.

The process of guilt and resentment is the same:

1. We have an image that either we or others should live up to. (An image of all the should's, must's, have-to's, and demands we learned or created about our own and/or others' behavior.)
2. We emotionally demand that we or others live up to this image.
3. We or they fail to live up to our image.
4. We judge the "contrary action" as wrong, bad, evil, wicked, etc.
5. We become emotionally upset--bitter, alienated, hurt, hostile, belligerent, combative, contentious, quarrelsome, vicious, touchy, cranky, cross, grouchy, testy, enraged, aggravated, annoyed, furious, teed-off, etc., etc. We'll put them all under the general umbrella of "angry."
6. We assign blame for the emotional upset--either we did it or they did it. (The judge pronounces sentence.)
7. The swift execution of justice. If we are to blame, we direct the anger toward ourselves, feeling regret, remorse, shame, repentance, culpability, fault--we'll call all that guilt. If the transgressor of our expectations was someone or something other than ourselves, we call our anger spite, jealousy, suspicion, malice, begrudging, covetousness, envy, indignation--all of which we'll call resentment. The sad fact is that, whether we blame us or them, we feel the hurt. But that is not considered, at least for long.
8. All of this continues for the prescribed length of time and intensity. No reprieves, no appeals--possible time off for very good behavior.




If these are the two faces of anger, what's the good in that? Frankly, not much. So If we had listened to the voices

Anger begins as an inner twinge. We sense something long before it blossoms (explodes?) into an emotional tirade. If we listen to this twinge--and follow its advice--the emotional outburst (or inburst) is not needed.

What advice is this Master Teacher giving? Stop, look, and change.

Stop. Don't do anything. You are at a choice point. You have two ways to go. One choice equals freedom. The other choice equals misery--familiar misery, but misery nonetheless.

Look. What image (expectation, belief, should, must, ought-to) about either yourself or another is about to be (or has recently been) violated? ("People should drive carefully." "I mustn't eat cake if I'm on a diet.")

Change. What do you change? The image. Your image is not accurate--according to hard, cold, physical evidence. People should drive carefully, but do they always? Hardly. That "should" is inaccurate, false, erroneous, wrong. People on diets mustn't eat cake, but do they? You bet. That "mustn't" is untrue, faulty, mistaken, and incorrect. Based on the actual life-data given to you, your images (should's, must's, have-to's) are all wet (or don't hold any water, or sink in the ocean of truth, or any other aquatic metaphor you choose).


But what do we often do with the image that is proven--conclusively--to be inaccurate? Do we disregard it? Do we intelligently alter it, based on reality? ("People should drive carefully, and sometimes they don't." "People on diets shouldn't eat too much cake too often.") No. We make ourselves miserable with the inaccurate image. The world's actions do not conform to our beliefs. Woe is us. Our own actions don't conform to our beliefs. Woe on us.

Can you see the absurdity of this? We demand that our illusion (our image) be more real than reality (what actually happened), hurting ourselves in the process. Where is the victory in that? (I bet you thought that was a rhetorical question. It's not. There are answers.)

First, we get to feel right. Feeling right is a strong drug. Some people sacrifice a lot to be right. Ever hear the expression "dead right"? The question the Master Teacher asks with each initial twinge of guilt or resentment: Would you rather be right or be happy? If we answer "Happy," we are free. If we answer "Right," the cycle of misery begins again. If we're right we must punish--either ourselves or another. As I mentioned, the irony is that when we punish another, we first punish ourselves. Who do you think feels all that hate we have for another? The other person? Seldom. Us? Always.

Second, anger is a habit. We learned it early on--before we could walk or talk, in some instances. The habit is so ingrained in some people that they haven't understood a word of this chapter. "What is he talking about? When people do something wrong, I will naturally feel upset. When I do something bad, I will of course feel guilty." It's not "natural," it's not "of course"; it's learned. If our early lessons of acceptance were as successful as our early lessons of anger, how much happier we would all be.



Third, guilt and resentment give us (and others) permission to do it again. Far from preventing a recurrence, the punishment simply lets the person (either you or another) say, "I've paid my dues; now I'm free to do it again." Many people weigh the guilt they will feel against the pleasure of the forbidden action they want to take. As long as they're willing to "pay the price," the action's okay. People often ponder the anticipated wrath of another before taking certain actions. "If I'm five minutes late, he'll be a little mad." They make a choice between another's resentment and whatever it is that might make them five minutes late. If they're willing to endure the chastisement, they reason, it's okay to be late. Guilt and resentment, then, far from preventing "evil,"* perpetuate it. *"EVIL" is "LIVE" spelled backwards.

What if we use the twinge of guilt to change the action? What if we feel the guilt and don't eat the cake? Isn't this using the message for our good?

Well, it's a good start. If we don't do something because we're afraid of the guilt, we are, in fact, being motivated by fear and guilt. If we do good because we fear what might happen to us if we don't do good, the act of good is tainted with fear. As a transition--especially when breaking a habit--it's a beginning, but we must move beyond that or we find ourselves in the trap of not feeling guilty because we'd feel guilty if we felt guilty.

So what can we use to motivate ourselves to do good? Do good because good is the right thing to do. Not right as "conforming to law and morality (or else)," but right as "in accordance with fact, reason, and truth."

Another great motivator is love. Love yourself enough to stay on the diet because you love your body and want to keep it healthy.

More on this and other positive motivators later, along with the cure for guilt and resentment.

The cure for guilt and resentment? Forgiveness. The preventative? Acceptance. The best reason to do good? Loving.

And if you forget any of this, the Master Teacher will be there, just before you veer off-course, asking gently, with that first twinge of guilt or resentment, "Would you rather be right or be happy?"

Your answer will always be respected.

--life 101

It's a requirement, actually. It says so in the tiny print of the contract you signed when you signed up for this crazy ADHD life. :)

Oops. :)

:)I think its part of my dna:)

My ADD husband has lots of anger and blame directed at others, but never guilt (but then, even though he would not admit it, he has a lot more going on than ADD).

I have more than my share of guilt and I do not have ADD.

All those things being said in the post above about a mother feeling guilty about how she deals with her children could be said by so many other mothers. Dont worry!

Mary