View Full Version : Nose dive

03-26-04, 01:23 PM
For the longest time I had truly believed that I was beating my depression but the beast has come to call and I am so miserable I could just die. I really wanted to help the folks here that were still suffering from depression, but it looks like I am the one who needs help. This is a major setback for me and my fight to recover after being diagnosed with severe depression a few years back.

I read an article on a medical website that really blew me away and took away all hope of me ever fully recovering, and then next thing you know I am entertaining the idea if checking out early. The scariest part is I have already picked out a place where I would go to make an early exit.

The article I read described how a child with ADD would eventually self medicate and later in life would substitute that self medication with depression/anxiety medication and that a person fitting that description would never fully recover from the debilitating disease. This article fit me to a tee. When I read this I broke out in tears and felt so helpless and asked myself if l can go on knowing that I will suffer for the rest of my life.


03-26-04, 01:47 PM
Hang in there man!! I would recommend you call the suicide hot line in your area ASAP. Even if you are not contemplating it right now they can help. You have lots to offer here and our a valuable member of our group. Please keep us posted!! We care deeply about you! Remember we all have this and it can be worked so it is an asset for you!
Jim B

03-26-04, 01:49 PM
Frank: That might not be a bad thing....substituting self medicating with depression/anxiety meds......(under the care of a physician of course).....And no FULL RECOVERY will never come to be....

I see this whole thing as never really recovering fully.....I see this as a daily reprieve of our symptoms....contingent on taking meds and taking advantage of whatever coping mechanisms are in place.....It forces us to live a day at a time......with gratitude and humility.....and it forces us to discover resources we never knew we had!!!

So suffering for the rest of our lives -- is not really what is happening if you look at it this way......:)

03-26-04, 02:02 PM
Frank many of get those feelings from time to time. It tough but things can improve. THERE IS HOPE!!!! We all have set backs.

Please consider calling a suicide hotline, calling 911, or going to the emergency room.

03-26-04, 02:09 PM
you can go on because for the longest time you *were* beating your depression.

you can go on because you are not alone.

you can go on because although an early exit leaves a terrible emotional toll on the living and you are not a selfish person.

you can go on because that's the only way to get through this to a better day.

you can go on because you have a lot of options.

it sounds like that article really through you into a tailspin. it seems like it took away your hope for a better future. maybe it hit a little to close to home and there, in black and white, was one of your greatest fears. "what if i never get any better?"

please remember that anything that is written is written by a human with a theory. and theories are infallible! i, personally, think that particular theory is a bunch of bunk!

there are *so* many examples here of people who have *thrived* after facing many hardships. and you are reading about one of those people who plans on thriving! i am not there yet! i started wellbutrin today. right now i am doing o.k. i have more good days than bad ones. but whatcha gonna do? just keep on keepin' on (as they say ;) )

p.s. ditto to what everyone else said. consider calling a suicide hotline number.

03-26-04, 02:14 PM

Please from someone who know's, please please take the advice above. There is nothing more horrible then knowing you failed someone you loved. Please, we love you, your family loves you, your friends love you if not for yourself then do it for them.

I'm also suffer from deep depression, can you tell? It does take time but with the right med life is wonderful, beautiful and great don't give up. Keep searching you will find that peace you are looking for.

WE need you here with us you have so much to offer. Be kind and gentle to yourself.

03-26-04, 07:10 PM

Your post was very hard for me to read. I also suffer from severe depression. My Doctor prescribed Wellbutrin xl for me. I have been doing so much better. While on Paxil all I did was cry. Since they've changed my meds I don't feel like the world is crashing in around me.

I have been able to spend more quality time with my kids without that claustrophobic feeling. My moods have been more stable and I don't feel like I want to hurt someone.

You mention self-medicating and then as an adult having to take anti-depressants. These medications are out there for us to lead a more normal life. Yes, we take a pill, but that is much better than being so debilitated from depression that we fail to function as a lovable caring person.

You've taken the first step with this post... you're asking for help. That is great! It takes courage to admit that you need advice.

Have you talked with your doctor about this? Or have you been to or considered going to counseling? It may be a good idea to keep the hotline number in a prominent place and also keep a copy in your wallet. Along with other contact numbers, ie, your doctor, etc.

Also know that I care as well as the others who have posted to you. You are worth more than you'll ever really know. If you need to talk feel free to pm me at any time. I'll be happy to chat with you. I believe in you!

Please know that I'll be praying for you.

03-26-04, 08:21 PM
Frank I havent met you yet but its funny how much we think alike. I have adhd, ocpd, ptsd with dissociation and bipolar II disorder (I also have 20 years clean and sober) and i was so angry nd depressed when i was diagnosed. I mean everytime before the dx I would think 'ok get through this one bout and maybe it will never happen again' ( like the little boy whisteling in the dark) So when the dx of bp came I wanted to just give up after all this meant I would be battling this FOREVER. My God, Im not that strong. I can't do this for ever. There is no way on the face of Gods green earth i can handle the things I feel and think during the black hole times. People said to me well also about being bp you know you will cycle up thinking was what the heck makes you think I want to go through this up and down til i die?

messed up? maybe. reality---definately. the pain of knowing I was going to be trodding through this for years and years and years finally got to be too much for me. The struggle of knowing I cant check out and leave my kids or damage them by doing it, yet every fiber of my being wanting to cut my throat........was too much. Something in me snapped. I do it one hour or minute or second at a time now. And when I am feeling something good--i celebrateit and push all i can out of it.

I promise promise, I assure you that there will be a moment that makes your choosing not to leave woirthwhile sometime soon. I GIVE to you the right to want to die.......I take away from you the right to do it, after all we never really had that right to begin with did we? You are allowed to lose heart , you are allowed to give up, you are allowed to be more sad than any human can hold, you are not allowed to do yourself in.

I am so grateful for your honest and raw post. You helped me feel not so alone. Tonight because of you i dont want to die. thank you. please, my information regarding messengers and emails names are in my profile. I hope that if you ever care to share this with another human, you will choose me. I need to hear other people talk to me about the same feelings i feel every day. You helped me feel like I am human again.

03-26-04, 09:31 PM
Do what you can bud and know that others derive strength from your efforts. Up, down or ugly you are welcome here.

I find hope here so I've invested in some of the wisdom shown to me. I hope you can too.

Strength to you. Ian.

03-27-04, 01:04 PM
Thank you all for your genuine concern. I haven't even been a member for a week and the outpouring of help and advice really made me back up and take a more level headed look at the situation I am in. Deep down inside I would never want to hurt my loved ones by doing the unthinkable.

I am feeling some improvement this morning. and I don't feel I am in danger of doing something stupid. These feelings come and go and it had been so long since I felt this depressed that I had forgotten some of the coping tools I had learned in the past.

My deepest thanks to all for helping me to see the bright side and the value of my life on this earth.

Chrissy, I am glad some good came out of this intense episode of depression. I didn't realize I was helping anyone by pouring my heart out and entertaining the idea of an early check out. Thanks for the invitation to correspond through email, I will take you up on that:) It sounds like we could really help each other and I look forward to it.

You folks are the best!:cool:


03-27-04, 01:47 PM

Sometimes it helps to look around you and notice other people. There are many that are suffering worse than you and they still go on. Not to say it's easy of course, because it isn't.

Something happened to me the other day that made me remember others are suffering too and maybe even worse than. I've been unemployed for a few months, fired from my last job for being late which has been a chronic problem and something that is probably attributable to my ADD. I've not held a job longer than 3 years. I have no 401k or savings. My phone just got shut off, my electric is about to, my car payment is late and my rent is going to be late. My mom has been very mean to me, my husband and I fight because of the no money situation, and all my efforts at trying to change and be a better person now that I'm on meds and therapy has been met with "well, you used to do such and such" and 'I don't believe you will change, etc.". The overall feeling I have gotten is now that I'm trying to make things right, it's too late. I'm 38 years old and I've wasted a good part of my life failing at being any type of success, and I didn't know why until a few months ago.

Will all this going on, of course I'm focused on what next little 'fire' I have to put out, etc. I was in the hospital ER with a friend and her child, waiting on them. I saw them wheel in a fragile looking old lady in a wheelchair. This woman was in tears. Our eyes met, and I felt such compassion and almost cried myself. I don't know what sort of suffereing she was going thru, pain, loss of loved one, loved ones not caring for her, or what, but all I know is that I felt deep sorrow and hurt emanating from her. I'm an empath so I can feel another's emotions, although it doesn't usually hit me that strong unless the emotions are very strong from the other person.

Anyhow, it really made me stop and think. Here I am, and I have all these things I'm worried about and I had forgotten that others are hurting too. I pray this woman finds comfort soon from her suffering, whatever it may be.

You do need to think about how your actions or reactions to things will affect those you love. A suicide literally RUINS the lives of people close to the one that committed suicide. They will feel guilty, hurt and feel there should have been SOMETHING they could've done to help. And they will wake up everyday with those thoughts.

And also the fact that your post has already helped someone else on this forum shows that you are a useful human being and caring, and you are wanted and needed! So don't forget that!

03-27-04, 06:22 PM
I was so relieved to see your second post in this thread. I was quite concerned. I kept checking this one. I didn't want to post anything because I am highly likely to say just the wrong thing at the worst time. I am still unsure about what to say, except for: Good to see you back, Frank!

03-27-04, 09:16 PM
Frank, I have suffered from depression many a times in my life but I promise you there is hope, My dear! The best way I have dealt with it is I found an outlet Like poetry to express my pain and to hopefully give hope to others...good Example is these links I would like to share with you and I hope that it gives you hope;):

03-27-04, 11:18 PM
Any time Frank, any time, we have to stick together. :)

03-28-04, 12:01 AM
Glad to see your post today Frank. I am looking forward to more posts from you. We are all here for you and each other!!

03-29-04, 10:59 PM
Frank.. how are you doing this week?

03-30-04, 09:37 AM
Good morning Mary:)

I am feeling a whole lot better, thank you so much for asking. Visiting with my sister and her kids helped pull me out of the deep funk I was in. My niece loves her Uncle Frank and she really helped put a smile back on my face when she greeted me with a big hug and kiss. My heart just melted and I felt so loved.

Hope all is well with you Mary:cool:



03-31-04, 01:11 AM
Could be better Frank ..thanks for asking. I am so glad you're feeling better. Children always have a way of cheering us up. Even if they are older children into adulthood. Just the interaction with family has always cheered me.

Take care and have a great week!

04-09-04, 09:46 AM
What a miserable night. My house is in turmoil and everyone seems to have thier own personal issue and I for one did not sleep a wink last night. I really can't go into detail about my dilemma, but I feel like I have just had my heart ripped out of my chest. My son is the opposite, he is about to do the same to his girlfriend who has been driving him crazy with her control freak ways. I just know it's going to be a messy breakup and he is in for a very bumpy ride. Pardon me for rambling on, but I am alone and have no one to talk to.

04-09-04, 09:48 PM
Ramble away Frank. I haven't been here this week so am trying to catch up on reading posts. Hope the weekend is better. Take care!