Hello everyone!
....I missed you all.



Last week, someone I know...asked me if I wanted some meth.
.............and I did'nt have any money on me, or I think I might have.
it was haunting me.

up until now, this town has been "speed free" ...no temptation.

.....I can't, I just can't.
I wanted to, SO BAD.

...I can't.

I won't come back the same.

.................or maybe I won't COME BACK.

it's just not a good thing...

I know there's a heartache in that little square ziplock bag, with playboy bunny logo's all over it.

universally speaking,
........... I think this is the exam, I have been studying for...
I outta pass it....damn.

I'm ready for a NEW lesson.
....addiction so old.

but, I failed "general math" or passed with a "D" to graduate.

....for FOUR YEARS, in a ROW.....in high school.

After 22 years of study,
..................... this failure would be truly sad, and the angels will weep.

my mother...
...............oh jeez.


I was afraid suzie (me) will be a deer in the headlights,
............... and suzette (my addiction) will be up on her haunches.

just like last week, except, I might have money.

After ALL I learned about it...
......after ALL the people I now realize get hurt, after almost 4 years clean.

it STILL gets to me.

....I STILL love her (meth), and wish we could make it work.

I know a speed dealer again.

......this is just a preview of what it will take to keep myself clean.

The sight of it SCARED me so bad, I almost fell out the door.

I said..............I'M A METH ADDICT.....I CAN'T HAVE IT!

.......see ya later! ...(and I mean much later, like, my next lifetime.)

I WAS AFRAID it would TAKE ME.

................and my job, my car, my parents, my uncle just died, my mother....

I wanted to so bad....but, I ran like forrest gump.

The big one here is...

....if I HAD the money to see my shrink after a run, he'd take me off adderrall so fast,
.......and there would end any and all hope of me being "OK"

If I did'nt have the money, he'd take me off it, because it's illegal to prescribe
.............without seeing me once every 3 months.

my tolerance to it would make them useless after one more run, if I did slide by him.

............a shot gun and a paper bag, is what would be my next escape.

I ran.

...............I know there will be nothing left to save if I go down again.

I was afraid.

.....now, I have some faith in myself, after staying on recovery boards all week.

I have more faith in myself, from the reflection I saw of myself, in the mirror of my fellow addicts.


.....I had a dream last night, that everytime I thought about meth
david bowie would throw a penny, from where ever he was in the world, and hit me in the back of the head with it.

LOL!

.........He was a good aim, and it hurt!

I had alot of money tho.

.....hahahaha!

stay STRONG, stay TRUE to yourself!

you need to cut off any contact/relationship with this dealer NOW!

I send positive energy to you - please receive!

..I'll not see him again.

I promised me.


thankies~

Hello everyone!
....I missed you all.



Last week, someone I know...asked me if I wanted some meth.
.............and I did'nt have any money on me, or I think I might have.
it was haunting me.

up until now, this town has been "speed free" ...no temptation.

.....I can't, I just can't.
I wanted to, SO BAD.

...I can't.

I won't come back the same.

.................or maybe I won't COME BACK.

it's just not a good thing...

I know there's a heartache in that little square ziplock bag, with playboy bunny logo's all over it.

universally speaking,
........... I think this is the exam, I have been studying for...
I outta pass it....damn.

I'm ready for a NEW lesson.
....addiction so old.

but, I failed "general math" or passed with a "D" to graduate.

....for FOUR YEARS, in a ROW.....in high school.

After 22 years of study,
..................... this failure would be truly sad, and the angels will weep.

my mother...
...............oh jeez.


I was afraid suzie (me) will be a deer in the headlights,
............... and suzette (my addiction) will be up on her haunches.

just like last week, except, I might have money.

After ALL I learned about it...
......after ALL the people I now realize get hurt, after almost 4 years clean.

it STILL gets to me.

....I STILL love her (meth), and wish we could make it work.

I know a speed dealer again.

......this is just a preview of what it will take to keep myself clean.

The sight of it SCARED me so bad, I almost fell out the door.

I said..............I'M A METH ADDICT.....I CAN'T HAVE IT!

.......see ya later! ...(and I mean much later, like, my next lifetime.)

I WAS AFRAID it would TAKE ME.

................and my job, my car, my parents, my uncle just died, my mother....

I wanted to so bad....but, I ran like forrest gump.

The big one here is...

....if I HAD the money to see my shrink after a run, he'd take me off adderrall so fast,
.......and there would end any and all hope of me being "OK"

If I did'nt have the money, he'd take me off it, because it's illegal to prescribe
.............without seeing me once every 3 months.

my tolerance to it would make them useless after one more run, if I did slide by him.

............a shot gun and a paper bag, is what would be my next escape.

I ran.

...............I know there will be nothing left to save if I go down again.

I was afraid.

.....now, I have some faith in myself, after staying on recovery boards all week.

I have more faith in myself, from the reflection I saw of myself, in the mirror of my fellow addicts.


.....I had a dream last night, that everytime I thought about meth
david bowie would throw a penny, from where ever he was in the world, and hit me in the back of the head with it.

LOL!

.........He was a good aim, and it hurt!

I had alot of money tho.

.....hahahaha!Your ears should be ringing from the thunderous applause. Well done, Suzi-Q. I love the David Bowie dream - there's something about him, isn't there? Hmmmmm.

Keep on fighting the hard fight. Just know that there are others struggling with similar demons(like me). It only takes one time to start sliding down that slippery slope of destruction. I can't seem to figure out what I really want to say but good luck. :)

Don't let the temptation to flirt with the idea of it get to you.

And I mean that literally -

don't let yourself flirt with the idea

because if you get tempted into being "tempted"

(not doing, but tempting yourself to)

if you tell yourself it will be ok to be "in those circles"

just close, but not using,

then you'll want to see how "close you can get"

without actually falling into the hole.

If you do that the hole will find you.

You'll will look down and that's all you'll see -

an empty hole.

I can see it in your own words -

meth is calling your name again.

Meth speaks your language.

But you don't live in that country any more.

You really have to cut yourself off and forget about

a memory of a memory of a memory of a good feeling.

Even though you can almost touch that memory,
it isn't real and it isn't lasting and when you wake up the next time you will be back in Las Vegas,
starting with less than what you have right now.

Maybe less than what you had the last time....

****

this is key -


"I have more faith in myself, from the reflection I saw of myself, in the mirror of my fellow addicts."

have faith in yourself

that means make a choice that is good for you
but that will endure

****

You are still recovering from your last dance,
even though it was years ago.

You have a future that will be brighter for each additional day meth is behind you,

Remember that turning away isn't just denying one thing,

its choosing something else.

The devil in addiction is that addiction knocks so much out of you
in one way or another
that everything else becomes gray to some degree.

But that gray does lift over time...
you have to give it time.

You don't just pay for addictions with $
you pay with part of your future

David Bowie is telling you that in a dream.
God, that's nice of him,
to take the time.

Especially as you are across an ocean from him.

You "paid at the office"
don't pay again.

yer right howard...

I feel you. Its hard to keep away from the demons of our past from time to time. I got myself out of that circle and find it hard to socialize with anyone that still even flirts with the drug game. Mines not meth but can be just as bad.

I always just remember what I was and compare it to what I am today. I could never be that person again. Keep up the good fight.

Keep up the fight. This is an exam you can pass. We are all in your corner.

Suz,

You are such a strong person. I've talked to you and read most of your threads and I have so much admiration for you.

Just know that we ALL have demons that we must face, but I believe in you.

You CAN do this!! I know you can!!

Stay away from the people that can cause you to hurt yourself and break every promise that you've made to yourself and those that love you.

Please know that you are not alone.

Nikki

It sounds like you are going thru a really tough time right now. Do you have a support system? Why can't you talk to your therapist about your cravings without feeling threatened to be taken off your meds?

Please be good to yourself and reach out for help via recovery NOT a dealer.

well..
...I quit smoking pot...AGAIN.

now I don't have a dealer.
...............that's what I did about it.

*bites on a towel*

I'm ok.

thank you for caring nikki, and kara.

.....you know I run a meth recovery board, right?

I have A LOT of support.

...I can't let the collective conscienceness of speed freaks down by using.

I can't run the board high...
...I'd turn it over to my other admin.

suzette can't read, and won't go near a computer.


....basically, I was just telling you, that's where I've been the last week.
getting support from my own site.

I still love ADD forums, and it's peeps.
..I thought I owed it to you to check in.

that's all.

....I'm still clean.

..I'll not see him again.

I promised me.


thankies~


keep it up!

Thank you for checking in. Be so proud of yourself for admitting your feelings about wanting to use, using your coping skills -- this is true courage.

Stay strong & connected.

If I stay connected, uhm...

....LOL!

just playin'

...thanks.

congrats on staying clean. i can relate, being a recovering addict, and it's really hard some days to stay sober, but one day at a time is all you need to worry about.. just keep it up and stay true to yourself. there's no problem getting high won't make worse

Sorry for the tough times you've been going through. I do, however, admire your very candid sharing about what's going on in your head. I don't know if I've ever been that brave. My problem-solving skillz - when it comes to such matters - is to try to DENY and/or NOT THINK about it. I guess it's my need for instant gratification/solution to my problem. God forbid I need to put in effort to process what's going on with me. That might entail some DISCOMFORT! Oh HELL NO! :eek:



Thinking of you,
Sue

you have my total admiration
stay with your friends here...they understand more than anyone
love to you suzanne...xxx
whitestripes

Heya Suzie..focus on all the FAB things you have achieved...focus on all the support you have given all of us...focus on all the HARD work you have done....
but most of all...FOCUS on getting rid of the temptation ...

hugs

PS..you are my inspiration....:) hang in there..
xxxx

it STILL gets to me.

....I STILL love her (meth), and wish we could make it work.

I know a speed dealer again.

Damn, I feel you on this. Not methamphetamine, for me, but methadone, suboxone, heroin, morphine, oxycodone, hydrocodone, any opiate-type drug has its claws in me and has since I first took Percocet at 12 for a ripped muscle.

I fall in and out of contact with my main dealer. More of them pop up to fill the void though, almost instantly. I try so hard sometimes (and other times, not so hard) but it just seems to keep cropping up and biting me in the ***.

I tried NA meetings, which worked for a while, but then the people got to me. Also, the constant denial and the pressure from the group would make me relapse and relapse hard.

I opened an honest dialogue with my parents, which really helps, but then sometimes I feel free to use, as long as I "confess" later to my parents.

I have no sort of religious faith to fall back on either, and while I don't want one, it would probably help to feel like there was a higher power watching me.

I thought I'd kicked the habit when I got off methadone. I'd have to say, 99% of my current life, I am completely clean and have no desire for the opiates. But, it takes very little to crush my willpower.

I usually manage to avoid the junk. My medication combo makes it a lot easier for me these days. But damn, it's so easy to relapse and I always do-- and it's because I WANT to, it's not a mistake, it's my own damn choice.

Good luck, Suzzanne, it's a tough thing to have tasted a forbidden fruit and never lose the craving. It's really damn tough.

well..
...I quit smoking pot...AGAIN.

now I don't have a dealer.
...............that's what I did about it.

*bites on a towel*

I'm ok.

thank you for caring nikki, and kara.

.....you know I run a meth recovery board, right?

I have A LOT of support.

...I can't let the collective conscienceness of speed freaks down by using.

I can't run the board high...
...I'd turn it over to my other admin.

suzette can't read, and won't go near a computer.


....basically, I was just telling you, that's where I've been the last week.
getting support from my own site.

I still love ADD forums, and it's peeps.
..I thought I owed it to you to check in.

that's all.

....I'm still clean. clean is good...we care about you:) keep us posted...its hard work saying no...why do you think they call it dope????

lol P