The craving for alcohol is back with a vengeance. It's been around 5 months. I have a long history of alcoholism with sober periods ranging from a day to 11 years. I've more or less trashed my life with this (and other issues) and I feel like staying sober is pointless, except that it bothers those who have to put up with me.
I'm going through a depressive time, (bipolar) and my current meds don't seem to be helping. I also don't have insurance. DH & I are unemployed.
I've had several ideas to try to get out of this, but it seems that all the doors are being slammed shut. I was thinking of starting a transport service for disabled people, but my car is too old. (19) it only has 82,000 miles and is in near pristine condition, but the government doesn't care about that.
We live in a dump. We don't qualify for any help other than unemployment, which will run out. Voc rehab says I'm "not college material" because I'm "functionally illiterate." They also said I am "unemployable." Disability says I can work.
College might be a possibility if I can figure out the paperwork to get $ and maybe get some help with my (undiagnosed) learning disabilities.
Dad is dying. He is late stage Alzheimer's.
The real issue right now is just leaden depression. Just being in my own skin is increasingly intolerable. The people around me have all these expectations of me that I don't feel like I can meet. Just getting out of bed and taking a shower is beyond difficult.
I'm not really looking for answers here. Just venting and maybe looking for a little encouragement.
Everything just sucks so much right now.

so sorry your depression is so heavy now

I hear you and offer my sympathy to you with the hope that it will soon lift.

I thought that voc rehab was supposed to help to train you to be employable again. whats up with that

what kind of work did you do?

I hope your strong enough not to drink over this

cause you know it never solves anything

please take care and keep us posted we care:)

I think the best advice I could give you would still be to get out and do stuff. Your car may be too old for transport services, but can you volunteer with meals on wheels? Have you joined any clubs in the area to meet new people and foster a new skill?

Are you religious at all? Many religious charities work with these kind of situations, but you'll need to keep sober.

Are you religious at all? Many religious charities work with these kind of situations, but you'll need to keep sober. a good way to help stay sober be the coffee maker at AA meetings or help non drivers get to meetings:)

I'm still sober and going to meetings twice a week. (not AA. It's called Celebrate Recovery. Christian based 12 step program.) I help a disabled friend run errands, take Dad to doctor appointments...So I do get out and do stuff, even if I have to force myself to.

The voc rehab dude was kind of a jerk. He was polite, more or less, but I couldn't get it across to him that I can, um, you know, read and write and stuff. It's obvious that I'm not illiterate. I had straight A's when I went to college before. In any case, VR is out of funds, so it doesn't matter much what he thinks.

I was a dental assistant for around 27 years. My meds cause a tremor, so I can't do that anymore. I did teach assisting for a short time, but was laid off.

I am very limited as far as employment goes. Discalculia rules out retail or anything else that requires number skills. (I can't reliably even remember my own address & phone number.) I get lost too easily to work in a large building like a factory. (I can and have gotten lost in an 8 room dental office.) We make too much money to qualify for any kind of help other than financial aid for school until our unemployment runs out. After that we will have no income whatsoever. Physical labor is a possibility as long as my knee holds up, but sometimes I have to use a cane...I just feel like I'm running out of options.

Now, to add insult to injury, my hair is falling out again. Seven bald spots of various sizes. (It's from alopicia. I've had it for several years.)

I have an appointment with my PsyNP, but after I pay her, there's nothing left for meds. If she doesn't help me with paperwork for discounted meds, and I qualify for help, I will have no choice but to go off them.

Bleh. I've been without meds for most of my life...guess I can do that again if I have to. But my life was miserable without them and I was a mess. I was just getting a taste of what it's like to feel normal. Now that I've run out of everything but Lamictal, it's all looking very dismal. Maybe that's just depression talking. Idk.

Thanks for your replies and suggestions. I really do appreciate you guys for listening and caring.

dear lost congratulations on your hard work your awsome

so glad you posted..keep it up we care:)

dear lost congratulations on your hard work your awsome

so glad you posted..keep it up we care:)

I second these warm thoughts, lost.

Thanks.
Still trudging along being sober and all.
In total misery.
I did manage to cook a nice meal tonight.
2 days until PsyNP appt.

Update.
Caved on the drinking thing, but nothing too horrid happened. I just feel like a weak, morally corrupt person, not deserving of life.
I know that's the depression talking, but it's hard not to listen. Saw PsyNP and got sample meds until discount med program kicks in. She gave me Adderall instead of Ritalin because that's what she had. Seems to work about the same though.
Anyway, sober again, feeling hopeless but trying to act like there is some hope. Talked w/ an attorney about disability. He was nice and thinks I'll have no problem getting it. He's sending paper work so I can appeal earlier denial. Going on disability just makes me feel less than worthless...a drain on society.

Hey Lost!

I don't normally frequent this forum, but I saw your post on the main forum, so I wanted to check it out. I miss you over at the Get Fit Club. Seriously, you are one of the more inspiring people I had met through it. You seem to have a lot of hard things going on in life, but you were still there, reporting exercise despite a bad knee, an ailing father, and your own everyday problems. That was inspiring. If you ever get the urge to come back and join in, I for one would love to see you there.

I'm sorry to hear about the negative turns in your life. I hope you get disability, and I realize how that must make you feel. But you don't have to feel worthless. Like someone mentioned above, maybe you could do some sort of volunteer work. Or, I think that sometimes you can be on disability and still do some part-time work, as long as you don't make over a certain amount of money. Be sure to check your own local rules on that, but I know a lady that does it, but she can only make so much a week above disability.

You're certainly not worthless. Look at me, a guy that knew you briefly on a work out group from once a week posts over a handful of weeks. I care, and I don't really even know you. You aren't a drain on society, that is reserved for the people that live a lifestyle of working the system so that they don't have to ever work because they are lazy and know how to work it. The system is there for a reason, and you're actually using it for the right reason. There is no shame in that whatsoever.

While you're working on these things in your life, try to find something that makes you happy, not alcohol. Go out and do something, even if just going for a walk. Talk with friends or family that will listen, or just us here on the forums. Know that you aren't alone. I know it is hard to do, but find those things that are good in your life, and enjoy them with the time you have. Do what you can to keep busy in life, to keep your mind off of things as much as possible.

Never lose hope. Tomorrow is another day. Do one thing tomorrow that makes you feel good, or happy if only for a few hours. Exercise, talk to an old friend, volunteer to do something nice for someone else, etc.

Take care,
Mike

Thanks, Mike.
Good suggestions, mostly things I have done in the past. Consistency is an issue, as are meds. Adderall is different from Ritalin, so I'm still trying to tweak the dose. I tend to err on too little rather than too much.
Mostly it's just the usual depression I always go through this time of year. The Remeron I was taking pooped out and it will take awhile to know if Prozac will help. (Prozac because I have some, and PsyNP thought it was worth a try.) It didn't work in the past, so I think it's pointless, but whatever. I'll follow directions.
The disability paperwork is frustrating. If I were capable of completing all those forms it would prove I could work. My sister is going to more or less do it for me, and make a note that she did so they know it was beyond me.
I will try to get back in the fitness club. Right now it's hard to drag myself out of bed...
Thanks for your kiind words-

Trish

i so know that boulder that you are facing!

i have faced it on many occasions - it brings two options!

that option has two paths...

one path smothers you in all the emotions that come with being in that head space - its so hard to see sunlight through the mist! it can consume you and drown you!

the other path takes courage - courage that you have deep down - courage that everybody on this earth has within them - believe in it and it will show its strength!
this path is a daily path - a path that you need strength and courage to head down every morning - its exhausting but guess what - it has the most wonderful gift at the end - the gift of that deep down feeling that you pushed through the barriers and made a difference yourself - YOURSELF!

Try this for me - accept was life is throwing at you for just a moment - tell yourself that life can be unfair but that is harsh reality - tell yourself that you are going to try one thing today - no matter how small - just one thing that your head tells you that you just cant do!
Beckon your inner strength and prove to all those negative feelings inside that you can not be beaten, you are better than that - YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Give it a go and then ask yourself "how do you feel?" ask yourself "did you succeed?" if you did succeed then enjoy that feeling - that feeling is your personal power!
even if you did not succeed notice what you are feeling about giving it a go! it feels good! it feels good knowing that you attempted to change something that has the power to overcome people!
Now, multiply that feeling by 100 and that is what you will feel when you succeed - you deserve that feeling! you want that feeling! next time push yourself for that feeling! its the feeling of being ALIVE!

A big boulder will never start to roll by itself, it takes a little pebble to move, which creates momentum, which in turn harnesses enough power to take some rocks along for the ride, which in turn creates a powerful movement that eventually has enough inertia to move that big boulder and make it roll!

Start looking after yourself and your life will follow suit! Do something little for yourself today - take the challenge - push that challenge and benefit from harnesses you personal power! It is there - you deserve it!

I tried this - I once could not face getting out of bed in the morning due to total exhaustion and no will to face the day! I had a great friend who challenged me to push myself, not to accept what I had accepted!
One of my first challenges was to get up in the morning and take a walk in the fresh morning air! It felt good - I experienced the power of natural endorphins! I found strength to challenge myself and it grew!
Today - I am 20kgs lighter, running everyday, weight training, training martial arts, transmitting positive vibes, reducing my medications & doc visits and I am feeling good!

Don't get me wrong - I still have depression, ADD, addictions and very low times in life but I have taught myself to believe that I have the power to pull myself back on track - I know that I have a lifetime struggle on my hands of relapses, as do you - I accept that but I have the power to do the best I can!

I hope this doesn't sound like preaching, its not, its more of a self confirmation for myself as I can relate to your situation very well and I feel your pain!
But if you can take anything from my experience then please do - everyone is different but there is one thing that is the same for everybody on this planet! and that is your inner strength!
you would have not made it this far without it - this is true!
Learn to love it, harness it and use it to feel good within yourself, not matter what life throws at you as no one - NO ONE - can take that away!

Everyone is number 1 in their lives!

Strength to you and all my friends!

Believe! :)

Hey r2d2-
I have to be honest with you. When I first read your post, it made me angry, because I felt like you don't understand.

I have bipolar disorder...my Dad's dying of Alzheimer's...We live in a dump and no one is working and it all looks so hopeless and my life has been so hard, and it really has been, but that's not the point.

The more I thought about what you said, the more I realized that I can't fix any of those circumstances. It's not going to go away no matter what I do. It's about acceptance of all the things I can't fix, and about doing the little things you talked about to change me, even when I want to stomp my feet and say "I don't want to," or "I can't," or "That won't work."

I hate, hate, hate admitting that I'm wrong, but there it is. And you are right. I need to do those little things like getting outside. Even if the circumstances of my life continue to suck, I don't have to be controlled by them.

I thanked you the day you posted, because I thought it was nice that you cared enough to say something, but it really wasn't sincere.

This is sincere- Thank you for telling me the truth.

Trish

Thanks, Mike.
Good suggestions, mostly things I have done in the past. Consistency is an issue, as are meds. Adderall is different from Ritalin, so I'm still trying to tweak the dose. I tend to err on too little rather than too much.
Mostly it's just the usual depression I always go through this time of year. The Remeron I was taking pooped out and it will take awhile to know if Prozac will help. (Prozac because I have some, and PsyNP thought it was worth a try.) It didn't work in the past, so I think it's pointless, but whatever. I'll follow directions.
The disability paperwork is frustrating. If I were capable of completing all those forms it would prove I could work. My sister is going to more or less do it for me, and make a note that she did so they know it was beyond me.
I will try to get back in the fitness club. Right now it's hard to drag myself out of bed...
Thanks for your kiind words-

Trish keep on trying...you can do it, one day at a time...just for today...my one day at a times stacked up to 15+years today...lol Patty