in another thread, Wheezie wrote:

wheezie, you wrote i've been trying to quit worrying about what others think. i've also been trying to learn how to accept a compliment.

I've been trying to do both of those my whole life... but it's soooo hard!! how do people work on not caring about other people's opinions?

And also how do you work on accepting compliments? I NEVER know what to say... I usually deny that the compliment is true ("thanks, but really, I'm NOT very good at this sort of thing...")

Or else I say somthing else bad about myself; like if I get a good grade on a homework I'll say "yeah... but I failed the exam..." or "well, yeah but it took me forever to do because I'm stupid"

Both of those obviously come from low self esteem and feelings of inferiority, (I'm wroking on fixing those...) The problem is that if I DON"T say those kinds of things, I don't know what else TO say!! I know it's rude to brush off people's compliments, but I seriously don't know how else to react.

The closest I've come so far is by saying somthing nice about the other person like "thanks - you did well too though!" or by laughing about it.

I guess... how do you guys react when somone compliments you?

I know exactly how you feel.
I try to say something like "Thank you very much, it's kind of you to say that".
But it isn't easy - I have to make a concious effort to do it, and it still doesn't feel right deep down - like I'm accepting credit for something someone else did.
I guess it's the low self esteem tripping me up!
Regards,
Greg

I have tried to get into the habit of just saying a simple "Thank "You". Compliments do feel weird especially when many of us are so used to being told what we do wrong.

I still have problems taking compliments. It's the same as Gregster and Christiana say about feeling like taking credit for something I don't deserve and having to almost discredit the person giving me the compliment by telling them why the compliment could never be true. "It must have been beginners luck" or "How did that happen?" or "Wow, I have you fooled don't I?". I always say stuff like that.

The other day, my friend told me I'm looking really slim in my new jeans (I've been losing weight recently) and so I proceded to lift my shirt to show my belly and then bent over to make a fat roll and said " um.....I don't think so, look at my big fat roll." She rolled her eyes and said "you are SO weird". It's like I can't say Thank you. I have to prove them wrong.

My theory is that I have really high standards of what GREAT means. Like, my definition of being GREAT at something, is being the world champion of whatever that is. Basically, I've created these definitions of GREAT over my lifetime because I'm never the best at anything........I've always just been mediocre or really horrible (especially in school). So when someone tells me I'm really great at something, I don't agree with them because "great" means something else to me whereas to other (normal) people it means doing fairly well. I'm always comparing my performance to the person who is an expert at it and then I'm not great at all. I suck. I need to stop comparing myself that way because basically, I will always suck at everything because I will never be the "expert" or "world champion" at anything. I need to change my definition of what "great" is.

Does anyone understand what I'm talking about? Sometimes I can't express myself in words and I can't tell if my words make sense. Another thing I suck at. Hee hee.

i thought this sounded like something i could have posted ... ;)

i've been trying to say the following when i receive a compliment. i keep it simple and say, "thank you." (of course, i finish with a negative thought which i don't say out loud - but hey, it's a start).

still working on the "not caring what others think" bit. i can't wait to go back and read what others have thought on this subject ...

thanks for the post christiana. it was a great idea for a thread! :) (< oh, look, a compliment, what will christiana do? ;) )

Same here. I have a very hard accepting compliments. I am working hard not to make a negative comeent about myself when I am being told about something good I did. It can be hard to do sometimes

Andrea I relate, I think I did the exact same thing with the fat roll on my tummy very recently.
I went through a period where I accepted compliments well, it was like a professional musician thing. Lately I have regressed a bit I think. I am trying to get back on track.

Self-deprecation is my middle (hyphenated) name. I never take a compliment well. I feign like I don't care, but of course I do.

I think accepting compliments well is a social skill, pure and simple. It takes practice and getting used to like any other skill. Some people are naturally better at it than others, but even those who struggle with it can improve.

I have heard so much criticism in my life and so many put down's that I have a hard time believing compliment's.

When someone does compliment me even my husband I usually react with a chuckle. Then I'll blush and be unable to look the person in the eye again cause I'm afraid they'll realize just how wrong they were.

I then walk away. But, will admit I walk away with a new bounce in my step and a smile in my heart.

sometimes i cry when someone says something nice to me over the phone. -- i don't do this face-to-face because i don't like crying in front of people, but, the phone is a bit safer i guess. (i am tearing up as i write this.)

a friend who knows i struggle with low self esteem gave me what she called, "a new message to play in my head." then she said a whole bunch of beautiful things about the kind of person she thinks i am, the kind of mother i am, and the job i'm doing for a volunteer group i'm involved with. (all good stuff ;) )

anyway, it was a really nice thing that she did. and i know she thinks all those things about me. it's nice to know she thinks so highly of me.... but.... i feel like it's just a mask. i feel like i'm putting on a great show but that the person she was talking about was not me. just who i want people to think i am. the real me is selfish, lazy, impatient, and dumb.

here's a poem by Paul Lawrence Dunbar. it describes perfectly how a feel sometimes (o.k., most times)

We Wear the mask!

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be overwise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

aaak! when's my next therapy session! i think i'll print off this message and share it with my therapist. because, while i *know* i've got some backward thinking going on here, i need help getting this turned around.

how can we start internalizing and believing the kind things people say to us/ about us?

how can we *stop* believing the crap that we heard in the past?

how can we take off the da*n mask!!!!!

I write down everything nice that is said about me. Then I look closely at it and analyze why they may have said what they did. I usually find that I'm wrong and they are right. It's a beginning now if I could just grin and belt out a Thanks. I'm getting better when my boss told me that she would rather be short staffed with me then work with a ton of the other girl's. I couldn't help but laugh and say Thanks your the best.

a friend who knows i struggle with low self esteem gave me what she called, "a new message to play in my head." then she said a whole bunch of beautiful things about the kind of person she thinks i am, the kind of mother i am, and the job i'm doing for a volunteer group i'm involved with. (all good stuff )

Can't help but agree with your friend on that one Wheezie.:D I just happen to think you are a WONDERFUL, INTELLIGENT, KIND, CONSIDERATE, THOUGHTFUL, FORGIVING, LOVING AND DOWN RIGHT FUNNY , ADORABLE person. You alway's make me wanna step up my game plan.

Hugs and kisses
Cherity

"I write down everything nice that is said about me. " -- cherity

i like that cherity! i should write down my friend's comments and print them off.

i did this awhile back when i was doubting a decision i had made. my friend wrote me a beautiful e-mail which i printed. i folded it so that the part i needed to believe was visible. then i wrapped it in clear packing tape so that i could re-read the message whenever i needed to. i carried that message for a couple weeks (eventually it ended up in the washing machine...:rolleyes: )

thanks for saying all those nice things, cherity. you have me in tears here! i'm printing that off though. so, you'll be in my back pocket for the next couple weeks ;)

*giggles* I thought I was the only one who did that. Lately Doug has taken to leaving me little notes about how cute or funny he think's I am and compliment's me on thing's I did without even thinking about it. I can't help but walk around with a big grin knowing that letter is safely tucked away for when I need it.

One of three ways.

1. I accept it and my day is made.
2. I accept it but somehow get embarrassed.
3. I think someone wants something from me.

Oh, wheezie, don't cry! I totally agree with "playing a new tape!" If you hear it enough, you will start to believe it. As for it feeling unnatural to verbally accept a compliment, well, you know what they say, "you gotta fake it till you make it!" Try to mentally keep the verbal acceptance apart from the internal acceptance. It is way easier to work on each separately.

I remember, many moons ago, when I was having a lot of self-esteem problems, I wrote myself a "joke resume" that was composed of nice things other people had said about me. The end result was very funny, but it also helped lift me out of my gloom (and helped me feel better about my rather sparse "real" job-seeking resume).

Although, I have to admit, sometimes I get suspicious when my dh seems to be over-complimenting me, and sneak a peek at his latest issue of Men's Health to see if it might have advised him to butter me up for some reason... ;)

NOW when one of my kid's compliment's me I'm instantly on high alert. lol

thanks fg,

not sure why i cry when anyone says something really kind about me. me? sensitive and emotional? nah. ;)

thanks for the encouragement.

Wow there are alot of responses to this topic and they are long too. I lost track to some of them but I do have my own feelings about this topic as well.

How do I take a compliment? I have a very hard time accepting someone giving me a compliment about anything personal. I mean when it comes to my boys I will say thank you all the time but when it comes to the way I look or the way I am dressed or the way I am doing something. Then I am lost. I may say thank you to them but I always don't think the compliment is true so I just blow it off.

Is there anyone else like me?

I have gotten mad with people for saying compliments,and people say,"well don't you want compliments then" and I say,"actually,no"
I do not feel okay being told compliments,
I do not like the feeling it gives,or know why it affects me,maybe because I just don't know how to accept it but I would rather not have them.

Originally posted by andreaa000
Does anyone understand what I'm talking about? Sometimes I can't express myself in words and I can't tell if my words make sense. Another thing I suck at. Hee hee.


andreaa000,

you did a great job of expressing yourself!

i think a lot of this, for me, comes from things i heard while growing up. the whole, "you aren't good enough just the way you are" sentiment.

now, these comments take the form of negative self talk.

i found a great site that outlined some ways to reprogram the negative self talk. if i ever find it again, i'll post it... :dizzy:

The original quote is quite interesting...reworded as follows:

I don't like compliments, but want to know what others think...

I never thought about it like this, but this is how I feel. Interesting how opposed these two desires are. Since compliments are positive, I wonder how those of us that are like this would receive negative comments? I don't like negative comments, but they don't put me on the spot like compliments do.

John

I think it's especially difficult to accept compliments if you have a negative self-image because it's hard to reconcile the way people actually percieve you with the way you think they percieve you.

Someone told me about a comment a guy made about me a while ago and it was flattering (crude, yes, and my inner feminist pitched a fit) but just sooo far from what I imagined anyone EVER saying about me...that I still don't believe it!

I'm like...well...but.....*brain hurts* ow. Major cognitive dissonance, it messes with your head.

Wheezie, my name is Linda Matteson and I can say that my son Davey has the same thing as you do, for example, Davey can't take jokes, teasing, critizism, or anything like that, because he does down grading himself and he has ADHD as well but he also has a learning disability too. Davey also says that he's stupid, I'm dumb, ect and we keep telling him that he's not any of those, and that we don't want to hear it, but he's also does that in school, Davey is 11 soon to be 12 yrs. old and in the 5th grade too. Hope you can repond to this. Linda Matteson from Pa.

Wheezie,
Also too, we do our best in telling him that he does well with things and he's mechanically inclined to where I'm not at all. But I do have to say that I can type and spell the best we can in all of our lives and yours too. Please don't think that you can can't do things right, because we all know your very bright in other things and stuff. Please write to me ok. Or leave me a message ok. I do appreciate it very much. Linda Matteson from Pa. Thanks again, and Good Luck ok. Take care.

Hi, I have been a fine artist for many years now and Know I am good at the mediums I work in , but after I hear it so much I just say thank you. I try. Sometimes I ask a person what they would change and get there perspective on the peice sort of a mini curtique. This helps me draw out the other persons abilities and take the conversation off me. A little wall I built up. I have senced knocked it down.

I find compliments to me are a sign of having alterior motives...I was messed with quite a bit by my peers as a kid so I always look for the punchline or look for indication that the joke is on me...I hate it cause now I cant flirt...or do much social stuff...I really dont turst others very much at all.

This thread reminded me of another one:

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=2327

I can relate to all the above-mentioned "compliment-taking" turmoil. :)

smoo

thanks for the post christiana. it was a great idea for a thread! (< oh, look, a compliment, what will christiana do? )

LOL wheezie - I forgot to check back on this post! thanks for the compliment ;)

And your'e welcome! but you know it was your words that originally inspired it.

(how's that? a complimetn back at you!)

you guys - it is definately the negative self image.... Yes, it's a social skill that takes practice, but for me (and obviously a lot of you... ahem...) it's REALLY that I just flat out don't believe that I *DESERVE* the compliments!! for some things, fine. but when it's an area I feel inferior in, then, if I receive a compliment I often feel even worse than I did before becusae I feel like a fraud.

Yesterday my therapist told me that I have intrinsic value, simply by existing, and I just coudlnt' beleive her at all. All my life I've felt like I was only here to take up space on there earth. I feel like I'm annoying people by asking them questions... I'm taking up space on the list at the doctors office... stuff like that... I'm not just saying that either - I've really felt that way since i was a kid. I never realized it becuase I was always pretty happy, and I thought that my self-esteem was just fine. I never realized how low it really was until I started to look back... I almost never ask for help on things because of all the guilt I have over not doing it myself, and taking away other people's valuable time.

My therapist asked me to tell myself "I am valuable and worth being here" - and I COULDN"T DO IT - I just busted out laughing!! LOL
mostly becuase I was nervous. I told her I would work on it. it's incredible how this sort of thing could have been so hidden from me, and yet, it was HUGE in my life. I was the kid who would always take the unwanted role for every game we played. The reason was that I ddn't feel like I should get the role I really wanted if anyone else wanted it also. I really enjoyed letting other people have their own way, and me not ruining their fun - I never ONCE thought that I deserved to get somthing I wanted if anyone else wanted it as well.

Christiana,

ADD didn't do this to us. Having ADD in THIS SOCIETY did this to us. We are creative, intelligent, sensitive, caring people, with an intuitive feel for things and we don't fit in with a one size fits all linear society. Non-ADDers have just as many weaknesses as we do, but they aren't thrown in their face on a daily basis. They get patted on the back for their strengths on a daily basis because schools, businesses, and society in general cater to people centered on that wiring scheme. If ADDers were in the majority, and non-ADD linear types were the minority they would find themselves with their weaknesses hurled in their faces on a day to day basis. My point is dear, that our self esteem issues were beaten into us. Get angry about it. Lord knows I do. I have the same feelings you do, it is hard to take compliments, even the ones I deserve (there I go again, assuming someone would give me a compliment I didn't deserve!). Use that anger for energy, and drive. Find your niche. YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. YOU DO NOT HAVE A DISORDER. YOU ARE DIFFERENT. Society has the disorder. ANAL RETENTIVE SOCIETAL DISORDER. It can only be treated by not taking them at all seriously, thriving in spite of them, and educating the poor ignorant bastidges. :-)

Originally posted by FlakeyGirl
I think accepting compliments well is a social skill, pure and simple. It takes practice and getting used to like any other skill. Some people are naturally better at it than others, but even those who struggle with it can improve.

I COMPLETELY agree with FG!

I use to respond with some self deprecating answer until I learned how this is just programming your mind for disaster.
As well as making the person complimenting you feel stupid for bringing it up.

Now I just say Thank You.

And then repeat their compliment in my head a few times.

This way it becomes a sort of affirmation or mantra and works wonders on your subconcious.

People, compliments are very hard to come by, especially these days. Accept them with a Thank You and make them work for you as best you can!

Originally posted by Christiana
you guys - it is definately the negative self image.... Yes, it's a social skill that takes practice, but for me (and obviously a lot of you... ahem...) it's REALLY that I just flat out don't believe that I *DESERVE* the compliments!! for some things, fine. but when it's an area I feel inferior in, then, if I receive a compliment I often feel even worse than I did before becusae I feel like a fraud.

Yesterday my therapist told me that I have intrinsic value, simply by existing, and I just coudlnt' beleive her at all. All my life I've felt like I was only here to take up space on there earth. I feel like I'm annoying people by asking them questions... I'm taking up space on the list at the doctors office... stuff like that... I'm not just saying that either - I've really felt that way since i was a kid. I never realized it becuase I was always pretty happy, and I thought that my self-esteem was just fine. I never realized how low it really was until I started to look back... I almost never ask for help on things because of all the guilt I have over not doing it myself, and taking away other people's valuable time.

My therapist asked me to tell myself "I am valuable and worth being here" - and I COULDN"T DO IT - I just busted out laughing!! LOL
mostly becuase I was nervous. I told her I would work on it. it's incredible how this sort of thing could have been so hidden from me, and yet, it was HUGE in my life. I was the kid who would always take the unwanted role for every game we played. The reason was that I ddn't feel like I should get the role I really wanted if anyone else wanted it also. I really enjoyed letting other people have their own way, and me not ruining their fun - I never ONCE thought that I deserved to get somthing I wanted if anyone else wanted it as well.

Christina, You absolutely must read the book "What to say when you talk to yourself"!

Plain and simple: You become what you tell yourself that you are.
Your subconcious mind works in such a way that it tries to find every little piece of evidence in memory that it needs to make you right.
If you say, I suck at baseball, your subconcious mind dredges up every mistake you ever made in sports and anything else coordination related and dishes it up in your concious mind.
Saying "see, here's proof that you suck at baseball".....

The same is true for saying "I am the best baseball player ever"
And if, by some wild chance your brain can't find evidence to prove the positive at least it is positive. But it is highly unlikely your mind can't dredge up some kind of proof positive; unless you've lived in a shoe box ;) all your life!

thanks FB, I will look for that book sometime! it's amazing but i think i'm getting better and better at positive self talk. for me, it really took a realization that I WASN"T talking positively to myself. All my life I've thought of myself as a very positive person, and yet, there I was telling myself how bad/stupid/lazy I was. sometime in college i realized that I wasn't thinking as positively about things as I THOUGHT I'd been. But even then, I still didn't really realize that I was telling myself negative things. It's amazing how you can "know" somthing, but not really "KNOW" it. Even after my counselor pointed it out to me, and told me taht I shoudl work on "positive self talk", I *still* didn't realize it! I heard everything she said and even beleived it, but I wasn't ready. I mean, yeah I did do it sometimes, but now that I've been working on it a lot (past week), I'm starting to realize how much negative self talk I'd actually been doing.

That makes a lot of sense (about the subconcious mind searching for evidence to back up things you say) If I say to myself that I'm stupid, it's EASY to find evidence. ANd the paths that my subconcious mind uses to bring the evidence forward are very well worn in.

ANd I've seen over and over again the way that people (including myself) become what they say they are. That's somthing I discovered in about middle school, when I realized that I actually had some control over my personality.

Eboy, I agree with you on a lot of what you said about society beignthe problem! The only thing is... I also don't totally beleive you (yet...) I'm trying to come to terms with ADD being "OK" I've read your posts (and others) about the hunter/farmer theory, and also about society in general just being STUPID!

I guess mostly I'm still having trouble figuring out which values that I want to belive in, and which I don't. It's tough to let go of that stuff that society engrains in us! actually, my bf came up with a really good one about a month ago when I was being an ineffectively obsessed hard worker... he told me that hard work isn't a value. Hard work in ITSELF doens't MATTER!!! it's a society/cultural belief that hard work is good, and it arises out of the puritans (you know how they said that if you are favored by God, then you will do well, prosper, your crops will grow... etc - and if you are sinful, then your crops will die and bad things will happen. And so of course, everyone worked HARD to proove to other people that they were "good" - if htey were hard workers then they would be successful (hopefully) and eveyrone would think they were good, religious people. so through that route, I think came the belief that hard work *itself* is a value... which it really isn't. it's not like kindness or anything else. it's just hard work, and if it doens't do anything for you, then there's no point.

ok, sorry that was a ramble!! but you see my point? society has all kinds of things they want us to do which are considered "good", but aren't actually good at all.
so in that way I agree with you, but as far as ADD not being a problem... I dunno. I want to believe that but I just can't see it yet becuase my mind is so filled with the ideas of linear thinkers! It's hard to see the world in any other terms. Although... I'm sure taht my brain will open up and begin to fill with ideas about it soon enough... considering that we are creative thinkers ;)

Originally posted by E-boy
ANAL RETENTIVE SOCIETAL DISORDER. It can only be treated by not taking them at all seriously, thriving in spite of them, and educating the poor ignorant bastidges. :-)

E-boy, or should I say E-bouy?
I wonder when we'll see commercials for the new drugs to combat ARSD?

Interesting part about the "hard work." My dh's parents drilled that into him at an early age ... at least partially because his dad was extremely lazy and controlling and wanted the kids to do all the work. Before I write a book on how dysfunctional all that was, I'll cut myself off and say that I don't think dh will ever be satisfied with the things he does. He works extremely hard. He does have a boss that rewards him for that, but I'm not sure that in his heart he ever thinks he did well enough. That's my problem with the old Puritan work ethic ... it makes it possible for others to use you for their own gain, and at the same time it makes you feel guilty for not doing more.

OTOH, he probably wishes I had more of a work ethic. But that's a story for another day.... ;)

krisp,

My sweetie was/is the same way. Everything he does he could have accomplished it faster or done a better job. Man I cannot tell you how irritating it is--how do you wash dishes better? and does he not realize it takes me about 20 minutes to wash one load of dishes because it's my "private" time and NOBODY better intrude.

I have found that he's calmed a lot in the year's that we've been together. So after reading your post I asked him about it and this is what he said. "Thank you notes". I never thought about it before; we work different shift's so there are a lot of "honey do" list's around our house and I figure if I can leave him a "honey do" and he does do it the least I can do is make sure and leave a thank you note. Well, I'm not one for just saying thank you I HAVE to say why I'm thankful and HOW I'm going to show him the next night I have off. ( I believe by now ya'll realize I'm a rambler and understand these notes can get pretty long.) He say's that when he look's at a job he' completed thru MY eyes and not HIS OWN EYES that he's pretty damn close to perfect if he does say so himself and HE IS, HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cherity,

Doug and you sure do give out and awful lot of good relationship advice and you probably don't even mean to! ;-)

Who says, ADDers are poor communicators?! I think this is, once again, another one of those issues of how our failures to "fit" certain "ways of thinking" is construed as an across the board deficit in a specific area. Communication takes many forms and it doesn't have to to be "uniform format". Cherity, I think what you did is a perfect example of excellent communication skills employed in a typically creative and suprising ADD fashion. I'm betting Doug felt truly and pleasantly suprised to recieve those "thank you's". :-)

In case you didn't know it, that was a "Thank you" Futs! Ya big Silly!

i've been patiently waiting for a small project to get finished (was supposed to be my mother's day present). i try to not get naggy when a project doesn't happen on my time-line (that would be quite hypocritical of me, not to mention annoying). anyway, i can't wait until the project gets done and i can write a thank you note!

thanks for the great idea cherity!

:o AWW geesh guy's.

No, seriously though Doug's mother has spent most of his life making sure he knew his fault's and she wonders why she never see's his older brother huh wonder why:rolleyes: .

Doug has done a lot for me not only in the support arena but in controlling my panic attacks, nightmares well just everything. Sometimes, I get really afraid that he'll realize I'm not good enough for him. If I leave nothing else behind me I pray that in the end my husband realizes how truly special and wonderful and cute and sexy and OK I better just end it there lol. Let's just say it's important for me that he realize just what an incredible asset he has been in my life.

Kay and I and both of our boys have trouble taking compliments, and a part of it is that complements are all wrapped up in an incredibly complex web of social behavior and expectations. Someone mentioned ulterior motives, and that is a big part of it.

We ADDers can see it, or we’re starting to, even though the social context assumes we can’t. We aren’t sure whether we should do what we’re supposed to do, or if we really want to, and how we’re supposed to communicate that we don’t.

The confusion can be a major distraction. And no wonder we feel as if we can’t speak very well about it; we’re not even supposed to know about it.

Another part of the problem is having an internal sense of absolutes. When we really understand a thing, we know what good is, and whether we did it. We never expect others to have our personal standards, and we would never hold them to our standard.

But they can see us, and they believe we judge them the same way we judge ourselves. They also think we expect them to have the same personal standard, and they resent it. That can lead to exactly the kind of internal conflict and self image problems we’ve been talking about here.

When someone we know and like says, “Boy, that was good!” and we know it was actually a 4.25 out of 10.00, we are instantly faced with the problem of how to deal with it: do they see how we feel, and am I insulting them, will they see through me if I hide my own opinion, am I willing to build that kind of wall with this person, and on and on and on…

That can be incredibly distracting, too. If your attention bucket is already close to full, just that can overflow it, and then you get that full force ADD thing happening right there, all because someone wanted to tell you how they felt about you. After enough of that, you can really develop an aversion to the whole process, and that also doesn’t do a thing for your self image.

Sometimes a compliment is so out of the Twilight Zone that you don’t have to worry about what you do, because anything is going to be wrong.

Once Bry was playing at a high school recital, and he really ripped the place up. Afterwards, a mom I’ve never seen before comes up and bubbles over, “That was fantastic! I’ve never heard anything like that before! You were so good, you were great! What is that thing you were playing called?”

Bry looks at us and we all almost lose it. I shrug, so he says, “A saxophone?” She starts to get embarrassed, but there’s nothing we can do about it, and she says, “Oh. Well, I’ve never heard one before, and you were wonderful!” We all just froze until she walked away.

We thought it was pretty funny. How sheltered do you have to be to have never heard a saxophone? Jeeze!

Bry admitted he had done a pretty good job that night, at least. But he got serious when he started at the University of the Arts, and it was four years before I heard him say he played well again.

Sometimes we ADDers just beat ourselves up. What Kay says is, “We’re never more dangerous than when we think it’s OK to beat ourselves up.” There’s a fine line between having an absolute internal standard and beating yourself up, and I think we just get confused sometimes.

Which is why she also says, “Always take a little time to pat yourself on the head and be nice to yourself.”

She takes this all very seriously, y’ know…