Being alone makes it much easier to take the lead in my own life. I feel like I can better keep my house in order and not get overwhelmed. I have the time to do the things I enjoy and I don't have to worry about keeping everyone happy or co-ordinating my activities with those of other people.

Living with my boyfriend (or being with him for a weekend) makes things so much more complicated for me. I feel much less focussed / able to make decisons. I often let him take the lead, not because I'm passive (which I often am as well) but because it feels so much easier. I find it difficult find my rhythm when I am with anyone else, including friends, and my own goals fall into the background. I often let them take the lead as well. I feel less sharp. I am far less observant about my environment (forget where I parked the car, aim for the "Out" door at the store rather than in "In" door). Perhaps because there's more to think about. Perhaps because I'm trying to multi-task by having a conversation at the same time.

I find that living alone makes me feel more like myself and I'm beginning to feel that I experience more joy when I do. I enjoy the time I spend with friends / acquaintances and feel like I'm better able to be connected to more people. Living with a partner makes me feel more isolated somehow because friendships then feel overwhelming.

I was married once for seven years and that was a very painful experience. I never intended to spend the rest of my life alone and even now that wouldn't be my preference. I am forty and feel like such a late bloomer. It takes me so much longer to learn the life lessons through which others appear to sail. I have no children, but always wanted to be a mom. On my good days I feel like it could be manageable, but on low energy days I really can't picture how I'd ever be able to handle parenting. My brain function and energy levels are better now than in my twenties and thirties.

My relationship is mostly good, but yet I hesitate about making a committment. I really don't know whether I'm better off single or whether I'm just not with the right person or perhaps I'm a little afraid as well. Maybe all three...

Do you have any similar experiences or ideas? Thanks :-)

I know what you mean although I've never been in a relationship. I find it REALLY easy to lose myself when I'm with friends. Just going along w/whatever and not being able to focus on what I want or where I'm going. I find I'm spacing every other second so usually a decision has already been made before I really know what's going on. Or, when they ask if I want to do something (that really I'd rather not) I can't think of any reason not to on the spot and it seems more fun to do that than nothing. Of course later, I realize that I really wanted to do something else but I'd forgotten and it's too late to back out now...

On the other hand, I think out loud and usually need to bounce my ideas off someone. But people who I can about stuff with are few and far between -- that hasn't happened in forever and I haven't really been able to write/paint/do the things I used to do. For me, I'm at my best when I'm surrounded by people who want to spend time together but who also think, say, my paintings are really good and who want me to paint. I'm definitely at my peak when someone believes in me and I definitely do better when there are people around to keep me on target... I find stuff like grocery shopping much easier with other people...

Perhaps there's a balance. I have no clue.

I agree with what you say- I feel ike unless I have to, or just am putting a front when I am with other and that I can't be myself- it's just really frustrating

I've found that for me it is really important to make a distinction between losing myself/my power/my decisions and benefiting from the relationship. I will say that I find that some parts of my ADHD are worse when I'm living with someone- maybe because I'm so aware of their presence all the time and can't filter it out.
But I've also felt much better since I've been able to make this distinction. For example, simple decisions can be hard- not because I care a lot which way they go, but because I can't flip that switch in my head. In those cases, I don't mind anymore just saying to someone else, often my husband, "hey can you pick- coffee or tea?" As long as I know it has nothing to do with my self-confidence or personal power or competence as a human. It's just executive function and a little decision that doesn't matter. Then I can focus on the things that ARE important to me. I don't know if that helps at all. It feels like just knowing that there's a difference between the things that matter and the things that don't, has made me feel more in charge, more like me.

IF that's relevant for you, I wrote about it a while ago here:http://www.thinkythink.com/2007/06/fear_vs_confusi.html

What does is it like to feel like yourself? Do you need more time to yourself? Need to NOT talk about certain things? I've felt like the hard part is just that I can't ignore what the other person thinks or feels- even more so than non-ADHDers.

Wow! I am so glad you wrote this. I feel the exact same way. Don't feel like a late bloomer, life is a learning experience at every age ;) I know that was kinda corny, but its true.

I know it is easier to go along with whatever the person you are with is doing or saying... trust me, I know. I have been in several abusive relationships and have lived with a boyfriend who drove me to constant anxiety and dependence on him. For the first time in my life, I am living alone and learning who I really am, what I enjoy, my own opinions, goals, etc. It truly is a refreshing and exciting time.

The biggest thing for me is that I am TOO worried about other people. You need to be selfish, even in other situations. Go with your intuition. Even if you need to take a minute and just say, hang on a second and let me think.... and just think, how am I feeling right now, what do I really want right now, what would make ME happiest?

As you can imagine, I have committment issues also. Just go with your gut, and take things easy. Take the time to think about things. As a grounding exercise my therapist told me to do .... when you feel yourself not being yourself .... take a deep breath in and focus on one thing in the room... and then think about 3 things you see (in your peripherals), 3 things you feel (things you normally wouldn't notice, like your foot pressing on the ground, or your eyes feeling heavy) and 3 things you hear. It helps you connect to your enviornment a little.

When you are ready for a committment, you will know. Just listen to yourself more often, go with that tiny intuition that seems so far away....

I will say that I find that some parts of my ADHD are worse when I'm living with someone- maybe because I'm so aware of their presence all the time and can't filter it out.

I don't mind anymore just saying to someone else, often my husband, "hey can you pick- coffee or tea?" As long as I know it has nothing to do with my self-confidence or personal power or competence as a human. It feels like just knowing that there's a difference between the things that matter and the things that don't, has made me feel more in charge, more like me.

What does is it like to feel like yourself? Do you need more time to yourself? Need to NOT talk about certain things? I've felt like the hard part is just that I can't ignore what the other person thinks or feels- even more so than non-ADHDers.


Yes, that makes so much sense. Someone else's presence IS a big distraction and of course filtering out distractions is where I often run into difficulties.

Yes, good distinction between important and non-important decisions. I guess my concern would be that others perceive me as having no mind of my own, but then I know that I'm far too touchy when it comes to what I think others think of me..... sigh....

Being alone is a rest, a break, a chance to do what I want to do and not feel judged. A time where I can let down my guard. And YES, I do get so caught up in the moods and feelings of others. I "hear" them so loudly.

Thank you.

I agree with what you say- I feel ike unless I have to, or just am putting a front when I am with other and that I can't be myself- it's just really frustrating

Thank you. It's so good to know that I'm not alone...

I find I'm spacing every other second so usually a decision has already been made before I really know what's going on. Or, when they ask if I want to do something (that really I'd rather not) I can't think of any reason not to on the spot and it seems more fun to do that than nothing. Of course later, I realize that I really wanted to do something else but I'd forgotten and it's too late to back out now...

Perhaps there's a balance. I have no clue.

Yes, that delay in reaction can really be a bummer many days and realizing later happens SO often. The balance you speak of is what I'm trying really hard to find right now. I really do want connection, close relationships, but often they seem so elusive... and I don't want them at the expense of losing myself.

Don't feel like a late bloomer, life is a learning experience at every age ;)

For the first time in my life, I am living alone and learning who I really am, what I enjoy, my own opinions, goals, etc. It truly is a refreshing and exciting time.

The biggest thing for me is that I am TOO worried about other people. You need to be selfish, even in other situations. Go with your intuition. Even if you need to take a minute and just say, hang on a second and let me think.... and just think, how am I feeling right now, what do I really want right now, what would make ME happiest?

Thanks for the support:o. I am so happy to hear that this time is going well for you. I feel some of that same excitement right now, feeling like I'm finally growing into who I am. And I'm hoping that as I do the rest of my life will fall into place, or at least I'll be more aware of what has a place in my life and what doesn't.

I also worry too much about other people and had a hard time getting over the "selfish" part of giving myself priority. I think there was a bit (or a lot) of religious guilt at play there as well.

Thanks so much for the suggestions!

So do you think that there are more singles among the ADHD population?