View Full Version : Self destructive behavior


BeachBum
03-31-04, 12:43 PM
This is something I have never been able to understand about myself and it's tough to explain. I take something good and I always find a way to screw it up. I lash out and say things that I am sure to regret. It's like you already know in the back of your mind that you are going to end up being a disappointment to whomever was foolish enough to believe in you and give you an opportunity, whether it's employment, romance or friendship.

Has anyone out there ever experienced this?

jaimegerise
03-31-04, 02:21 PM
OMG I used to do this all of the time!!!! I think I ruined a good part of my teen years and early 20's because I was negative and combative (is that a word). Guess it was a mixture of meds, growing up, my hubby's help, and life in general that made me see that I was just sabotaging myself constantly. And now, I don't want to be like that anymore!!!

It's a lot more fullfilling to seek out the best than to dwell on the downsides of things. I also had to make up my mind to not take myself so seriously. If I screw up, or if someone doesn't like me, that's ok....I don't need to waste my time trying to fix every little problem. I just do the best I can, and as long as I am happy, then everything is fine.

Ok enough rambling from me for a bit. HEH

bluesman
05-21-04, 02:35 PM
This issue is confusing and complicated for me. Of course, I've been self destructive all my life. adhd is complicated enough, and I've really just discovered the depth of it's effects.
But, when you add in very significant issues such as losses, truamas and serious mistreatment at a young age, I can't imagine a person being able to overcome this issue.
The more I see at this site, the more scared I become.

joanrdtobe
05-21-04, 02:41 PM
I've experienced what you describe....and in the job which I've had now for six months -- WHENEVER I feel the compulsion to say or do something I know is destructive -- or sabotaging -- I actually pray for the ability not to do the thing I do not want to do...because I REMEMBER what it was like all the other times that I DID do that destructive thing....how awful the past destructive deeds made me feel......

The destructiveness has just gotten plain old....:(

healthwiz
05-28-04, 01:21 AM
One, ...just a note about not being too serious.
Think of juggling..I read it relieves stress, and in fact, I tried it, and it did! When in stress, juggle mentally, it helps improve concentration and performance.

Two, there are many sources of behaviors that no longer fit our needs. By and large, all behaviors we develop, at one time met our needs or we perceived that they would meet our needs. Otherwise, we would not have developed them. The problem becomes when we realize these behaviors don't meet our needs. We go into shock! Oh my gosh, we are doing something that is not in our best interest! Alert! Alert! What happens after the alert, all too often, is nothing. We don't take action to change, or we feel helpless to change. Behavior is habit forming and we often have trouble taking on other roles in our behaviors that would be more productive. Sometimes, we just can't imagine ourselves without the destructive behavior. It has become part of our identity, and losing a negative behavior, in some ways is like losing a part of ourselves. Not knowing enough about the behavior, not knowing how it arrived in our roles we play, this may leave us with a longing to understand that which we wish to purge ourselves of, and this is a process. Other times, we might not want to know anything about it, other than how to get rid of it.

So first, one must decide, do I want to understand it, and how it was a part of me and why, before I get rid of it, or do I want to skip that step and go directly to getting rid of it. One offers profound insight into oneself, one's history, the other offers profoudn opportunity for rapid accelerrated change in one's identity.

Through the more thoughtful approach, one eventually comes to the conclusion that the behavior and oneself are seperate, that one's identity is entirely seperate from the behavior, and this makes easiing away from the behavior easier because it is less of a loss of self than it appeared to be. This could be achieved through long term therapy, or my personal favorite, PSYCHODRAMA. Neither carries any warrantees of success, but I have found that profound successes are achieved in psychodramatic groups.

Another approach will ignore history and go on to the future immediatly. If you want to stop a behavior fast, and you don't care about the history, the identity, etc, then you might choose a more behavioral cognitive approach. I like NLP as it is direct and fast for those pesky things I'm not in the mood to analyze. NLP tends to detest analysis and go directly to action.

Either way is fine, action is what is important. Which kind of action are you more comfortable with, feel secure with? That is up to you. Just choose action, because inaction will leave you in a useless behavior long after its days of usefullness are over.

Sincerely,

Jonathan

Garry
05-28-04, 04:31 AM
Whats NLP

Yeah
05-28-04, 04:59 AM
It's neurolinguistic programming. I have only read one book about it, so I can't really explain it that well.

One thing about NLP is that it tries to work on the behaviour directly, and it does that by using different senses and combines them to help you develop a new behaviour.
So for example you think about something pleasant, like a walk in the park with your loved one during spring, and just when you are at the peak of beeing relaxed, you gently poke yourself in the arm.

Done right, you now can get that relaxed feeling again, just by doing that same poking.

That's one thing, another is that you try and take old behaviours and put them into a new context, that's recalled reframing.

It is a very nice set of tools, I just came to realize that right now I just don't have that second to use it in the situation when I should.

mctavish23
05-29-04, 08:26 AM
Often times we are not used to success and can be uncomfortable with it to the point of talking ourselves out of it if you will by way of creating self-fulfilling prophecies.

mctavish23
05-29-04, 08:27 AM
NLP was big in the 80's. I don't know of anyone practicing it in my area. It seems to have beocme passe' from what I can tell.

FightingBoredom
05-29-04, 01:42 PM
I just finished the CD series "Unleash the power within" by Tony Robbins.
It's the first time I've finished any of his seminar series.
I HIGHLY recommend this to all.
He speaks about NLP and how to get long lasting effects from it as well as MANY other methods you can use to get to the next level.

This isn't a hype you up seminar to make you feel good and then when the CD stops playing you are back to "now what do I do".

I started this series on Monday and finished on Friday. (3 hours commute everyday!). By Thursday I was already practicing some of the things he speaks about with my wife and kids.
Today, we spent 4 hours together shopping at 2 Mega stores (Meijer and Sam Club), AFTER we took the dog to the Vet. That's me, wife and 3 kids ages 3, 5, and 11. Usually this leaves me more than frustrated and exhausted. Heck, usually we just go home after the first store!
Today, I was engaged with ALL of them and patient and loving and having fun. What changed? ME
Sure, the same issues came up. I chose to deal with them differently. I messed up in some places. I annoyed and irritated my wife a couple of times. I just kept plugging away and applying what I had learned.
We just came home. The younger kids are exhausted and fell right to sleep for nap time. My wife is exhausted and napping.
I was going to nap but feel too energized to do it!

Now that is a BIG switch for me. It's usually my choise to come home early and I'm in such an emotional frenzy that I HAVE to sleep. NOT ANYMORE!

The worst thing you you can do is NOT listen to the CD's.
Maybe it will work for you too. Maybe not. Maybe it will make sense but you won't practice any of it. That's where I was a few years back. Listened and didn't get it. listened and got it but didn't use any of it.
The best that can happen is up to you.
If you really want to change your outcome in life THIS IS AN EXCELLENT WAY TO START.
And it doesn't have to cost you a dime! I checked mine out from the local library.
Next week I'm consuming "Lessons in Mastery".....

healthwiz
05-29-04, 06:10 PM
Nice Job FIGHTING BOREDOM! You chose action. Well done.

Jon

healthwiz
05-29-04, 06:23 PM
Originally posted by mctavish23
Often times we are not used to success and can be uncomfortable with it to the point of talking ourselves out of it if you will by way of creating self-fulfilling prophecies.

How true. One of the major things we get a chance to do in psychodrama is to try on a new role, like a new set of clothing, and see how it feels, how it fits, look at ourselves in the mirror "so to speak" adjust to this new feeling in a group which can offer perspective to these changes or transformations that we desire. It seems to make owning those new roles, such as "success" in (you fill in the blank), a much easier transition. I have found owning certain successful roles to be very difficult, as cognitively I don't see myself as successful in some areas. These psychodramatic enactments allow me to explore that emotional side having trouble with the current role, difficulty accepting the new role, and then eventually joy and confidence accepting that new role, even to the point of accepting that there will be failures with it. the enactments can be as realistic as I want them to be, so that I can take the role with me when I leave the group.

In reality, it might not be me enacting such a fantasy, it might be someone else in the group doing their fantasy, but as audience or as an assistant in the process, I absorb the lesson as they apply to my life. Its very inspiring. Nothing is perfect, nothing comes with gaurantees, but this sure gives people a great opportunity to confront the changes they desire, and then make those changes a part of themselves. I've incorporated a great many lessons from this training, and am now finding it helpful in every day life, which is actually amazing, since I really viewed this all as so escoteric initially, and never saw any application outside of a therapeutic setting. Now it is applying in many interractions I am having in non-therapeutic settings. I have learned something about social interractions at deeper than a cognitive level, and am applying it in my daily life with success.

I am grateful for what psychodrama is doing for me. I have been involved in it for 2 1/2 years now.

mctavish23
06-16-04, 10:33 PM
I completed his Personal Power 2 program about 7 yrs ago. I also subscribed to Power Talk when it was around. I still have all the material and occasionally will look at some of it. Much of what he says reminds me of a combination between NLP and Cognitive-Behavioral therapy.

I do like his stuff and enjoyed the programs.

theobjr
10-18-04, 03:42 PM
I experience this every time I set out to do something. It makes me afraid to try new things because I can't think of any experiences that were successful. I try not to think of my failures they are like a humongous weight that is tying me down and keeping me from setting goals for my life.

Toby
12-03-04, 01:45 PM
I've can definatly relate to this.

I brought it up with my psychatrist a while ago, and he suggested it could be related to something called counterwill. Looking at definitions of counterwill, it doesn't quite seem to sum up what I experience.

It's almost a compulsion to make the wrong choice. In these cases, i've always studied the choices and reached an easy decision. In these cases, there's always one choice that's overwhelmingly more benifical in every considerable aspect to the opposing choice. Yet, in these cases, i've always gone for the opposing choice.

For me, all of these cases have been within the context of a very intimate relationship, whether a deep friendship or romantic relationship. There was no disernable gain in me making the concious choice to betray them, (not by cheating, but by revealing that at some point in the past I had harboured negative feelings toward them) But nevertheless, I did it anyway, and i've never known why.

Counterwill seems to me to be an externalised phenomena, occuring during a dialogue between two people. It's an act of defiance, which, in the context I suppose may have been possible; a last grasp for a life of freedom and lonliness over dependance and warmth. But at the time, that wasn't what I'd wanted conciously. So it's still a mystery to me.

There's a good definition of counterwill here (http://www.whenthebodysaysno.ca/scattered/ch20.htm) if anyone's interested

aikidave
12-31-05, 12:41 PM
What kind of meds are you on? I posted a long post last night on the Straterra link. The Med made me psycho. The mood swings were unbelievable. Been doing research on it. I don't see lots of comments about it here but, on the net it is full of mood swing/selfdestructive articles about this med. I'm off of it now. I'll deal with ADD. It is better than what I went through. Ruined a wonderful relationship with a wonderful lady I love so much. She thinks I'm psycho.

Aikidave