I'm 24 and i think i have issues.I'm not on any medication or have been to a regular doctor since 4yrs.I'm afraid to go and fact the truth that i have depression.I have been trough a lot of emotional stress with and without my family.Having parents that don't give a damn about you,not even helping with homework,being interested in your life and being physically abused,by that i mean being hit with the belt,kicked with feet or hands,thrown around.I've seen my father going from being in a good mood to really angry abusive mood.When me and my younger brother would do something,not even that bad,he would take anything that's handy and hit us,sometimes he would even slap my mom if she would defend us.I don't love my father at all.We've moved to different countries where i learned the language and was only 13 and had to help with everything because they didn't speak english.He wouldn't wanna work,had always an excuse,he is not bale to work,and i used to had to take him to doctors and they would tell me to let my father know that if he doesn't help himself first,there is nothing they can do,you can't chage someone overnight.He would yell at me afterwards and tell me i didn't help at all and always blame me and my mom that we are useless and we don't care.Eversince we 'moved from Germany to USA in 99,he's become more moody and depressed.No medicine has helped.But he isn't being abusive anymore,at least not physically.I ran away from home when i was 20,i met the love of my life and packed my bags and flew away,thinking my dad will kill me.I went to California and they live in the Midwest.When they found the letter where i explained everything,my dad blamed my mother,being a bad mom and allowing me to go away.He didn't speak to me for months.But cause i have a 7yr old brother that means the world to me i couldn't be away from me.So me and my bf went to visit,my dad forgave me and we do talk now,but he still telling me if i did stay,everything would be different.It's like he is blaming me for everything,for him not having the life he wanted to have.He didn't work for a while,now he is working.I still don't feel any love for my father,never will.I'm now engaged to the best guy in the world.He understands me,he is full of life and he loves me very much.But lately i;m losing the confidence to be social,go look for a job,afraid i will fail.I did find few jobs but i quit,i would feel like i'm not good enough.I always would have the words in my head from my dad that i'm useless and stupid.I'm trying so hard to change and be happy and i try not to show the negative side to my fiance.But when i do,he tells me to let go of the past and try to live now and look forward to the future.Why can't i let go?I'm so scared to go out and face the reality,worklife,new people.I'm afraid to be rejeceted and nothing will ever work out.I would never take my life,it's precious to be here and have the courage to live.I want to wake up,give up my sleeping pills,start looking for a job and be happy and most of all let go of the PAST.I don't know anyone in the new city,what are the most important steps to take right now?I need some advice,support and friendship.I'm sorry this is too long....

Hmmm, me thinks you have wandered into the right place, kiddo. First let me give you a safe hug with no strings attatched, secondly let me tell you how strong you are, even if you dont feel it.

I strongly suggest, and I do mean strongly SUGGEST a therpaist, doctor or counselor for the past issues. This is something that will color our reactions and behaviours for ever unless we decide to change it.Letting go isnt something you do, its something that happens to you-- a reaction you have from healing. that takes ( ok its a four letter dirty word) T-I-M-E. For me letting go is a gradual thing, a slipping away , a slow release of something I no longer need to hang onto for what ever reasons.

Trauma often causes depression. It is not a moral issue, you didnt ask to be sad, you certainly dont WANT to be sad. It just IS. Its like having a freckles or red hair or a cute nose, its just how we are from life and trauma.

Another suggestion I have for you is to think about joining the abuse support for womens forum here in the ADD forums. Its private.BUT I think you may want to do that only with a therapist or counselor to guide you through some healing etc.Its tough to do this alone.

Im glad you found a nice man to be with and love you. I know if this is how he is then you know he wants you whole and happy. he will support your efforts to get better and thats a rare thing.

Im grateful you posted this and introduced this side of you to us.

hi jenna
i agree with everything chrissy said. i also want to add that you are NOT useless and stupid..... you learned another language, you have had jobs and you found us here :D smart girl
hang in there
huggssss

"ditto" to chrissy and aqua's posts.

writing is a great way to let out all the pent up, bottled up feelings from your past. anytime you feel the need to let loose, i hope you find that this is a good outlet for you.

if you need help figuring out the steps to finding a good therapist, i'm sure you'll get tons more advice.

take care, jenna.

Ditto, ditto ditto.. Hugz and welcome!!

I have to tell you that I am newly diagnosed with depression. I too had a rough upbringing. I was never physically abused but there were many times where I would sit and watch my mom get beaten. Climbing out of the window in the middle of the night and run down to the neighbors because I didn't and couldn't listen to the fighting anymore. Or not having my bio father in my life. Turning to drugs, alcohol, and men for consolance at age 13. I too know the trauma of being called stupid and telling me that I am nothing. Or my poor sister (older) getting sexually abused by an ex step monster (I use that term loosely he is worse than a monster) Watching my mother bring in man after man after man watching her do drugs snorting coke of the kitchen counter having me and my sister light her joints for her. So I know where you are coming from. I feel you pain. I am 30 years old and the pain has finally surfaced again. It came with treamendous stress of my daughters newly diagnosed ADD. So I would highly advise you to go get help be it by a doctor or pshyc what ever. I am telling you you may not want to be on meds but they do help I am living proof. Also, listen to the people on this board I am a new member and they have helped me tremendously. Expecially Chrissy aka lafnalot ;) (thank you) If ever you need to talk please feel free to contact me. As I said I do feel your pain and you are not alone.

((((((hugs))))))))
Robin