View Full Version : What's it like being/having relp's with borderline ASPD?


FrazzleDazzle
02-28-09, 09:56 AM
I mean, with ASPD being able to function normally within society, yet having to deal relationally. I think my ex (my son's dad) may be ASPD. Everyone tells me something is very wrong, and I keep trying to deal with him and how he deals with our son like it is all normal, and I'm seeing I'm making some huge mistakes that is affecting my own mental health and relationship with our teen son.

I'm looking for some personal experience, sharing, tears, and hugs, please.

FrazzleDazzle
02-28-09, 12:19 PM
Well, okay, so here's the story in chapters. This is what it's like for me.

Chapter 1: The dog
He: You need a dog, it would be great for you. Make sure you do obedience training, but I won't go, this is your thing
Me: What a nice way to start a family thing going. Go to training, share what I learn so we can start bonding our new family.
He: immediately starts using different words, doing the exact opposite, and feeding table scraps to the dog.
The dog: Wow, I LOOOOOOOVE dad, he gives me table scraps and mom won't! Woot!
Me: I gave up on training the unruly dog.
Dad: Glimmers in having won the dog over.

Chapter 2: The baby
Baby comes, ex is waaaay too tired cuz he works sooooo hard he can't and won't help out and retreats to the chair. Can't afford to hire help for me also working full time and coming home to take care of baby. Ex falls into depression. But he insists I abide by wifely duties cuz he needs that to act 1/2 way human which wears me down both physically and emotionally.

Chapter 3: Baby diagnosed with food allergies. Ex doesn't see the need for any of that diagnosis and food avoidence or learning about it, and continues to feed baby foods that make him sick.
Glimmers in having won the baby over. "See, mom is not letting you have these treats, but IIIIIIII will cuz you don't need restrictions, you are FINE."

Chapter 4: The Divorce

Chapter 5: Son has school problems. I Arrange testing, diagnosis, treatment, tutors, support, etc. Ex sees no need for any of that cuz son should be left alone to find his own way to deal with his issues the way any man would. So, son is not receptive to any support. I hired the best of the last of the tutors, and she fired us cuz son is not receptive.



Cliff Notes versions of remainder in case you don't want to read the book:

Pattern continues with health care, dental care, braces, severe GI troubles, skin troubles, ADHD diagnosis, etc. There's no need for that, what do you need THAT for, I'm the same way and IIIIII'm fine. Here, have the goodies that make you sick and I'm the good dad for not falling into the whims of your controlling mom.

Ex: Tutors are for inept 8-year-olds who can't do things for themselves, you know. And at the shrink that we don't need and can't possibly receive any value from, I'll sit politely and answer the questions and say I'll do what you suggest and go home and do nothing suggested cuz we don't need a shrink. And I'll continue to say there is no value in anything you, his mom, instigate because I don't want my son to be receptive to it or get anything valuable out of it.

Ex: And see, I just won't make son (with ADHD and executive functions deficits) work so hard, offer him any direction, guidance, or parenting, cuz you know he'll just have to find his own way.

Ex:I'll give him the things that YOU want him to work hard towards cuz I like to do the exact opposite of what you are asking of me cuz it makes me better.

Ex: Anything that you rally my support for and we come to an agreement on, I'm fine with, but I'll change my mind on all of it when it suits me to do so and it makes me the good dad and you the mean controlling mom.

Ex: When you say that when I cancel the tutor's appointments when our son is failing his classes you feel that I am sabotoging your efforts to help him, it really makes me smile.

Me: He says I just don't get it.

I think I'm starting to get it now.....I'm dealing with someone who is not typical, and I have been feeding his whatever all these years. I'm totally up against a wall here.

If I try to further support son with his issues, ex will certainly knock it down to where son sees no value in it nor will be receptive to it.

If I leave son to totally work things out on his own with no parental guidance, his chances of going further into his hole are pretty good. And, with no guidance, he won't have the tools to pull himself out. :mad:

I'm not in a happy place. Please, someone tell me who I'm dealing with in my ex????!!!!! If anyone reads this ramble, at least thanks for letting me vent in a safe place and get it down in writing, at least that helps me sort through all this.

ADDMagnet
03-01-09, 02:39 AM
Many of the behaviors you mentioned could be several different things. Perhaps ASPD, could be borderline personality disorder, NPD, or he's just a jerk. Sometimes it's a combination of disorders.

you'd need a lot more information to know what it is. I have a cough. Is it a cold, an allergy, bronchitis, or a deadly disease?

Sometimes even trained psychiatrists can't make a correct diagnosis or agree on what the diagnosis is.

My husband has exhibited a lot of that behavior as well and he happens to be ADHD and he has borderline personality disorder as well. In my husband's case most of that type of behavior is related to his BPD but there are some aspects of his ADHD that contribute to the problems. And some symptoms overlap. Both BPD and ADHD can involve impulsivity and boredom. BPD, ADHD, Bipolar disorder and cyclothymia (sp?) all involve mood swings. There are some distinguishing features and differences but sometimes the differences are not that easy to detect. It takes someone who has a very good understanding of all the disorders, including the many various ways in which they can be presented in a person and a good history and knowledge of the patient.

Just with ADHD alone, you will run into psychiatrists who will say that someone can not have ADHD if they get good grades, if they can sit still in the doctor's office, or if they can focus on something they like. And the more disorders someone has, the more difficult it can be to determine. Throw in substance abuse and you may not be able to make an accurate diagnosis until the substance abuse problem is gone.

I don't know a lot about ASPD but I am very familiar with ADHD and BPD. I've researched and read numerous books, articles, etc on both of those disorders and I've been married to my husband for 27 years, before and after diagnosis and treatment, not to mention knowing many individuals with one or both of those disorders.

Regarding BPD, if I had to guess whether or not someone was dealing with BPD behavior, I've found one descriptive phrase that comes up most often. When describing the behavior, if a person repeatedly says about the other person's behavior, "it doesn't make sense", that's a red flag for me. That's my "Cliff Notes" version of screening for possible BPD.

Someone else may be able to shed more light on ASPD than i could or have other ideas regarding possibilities.

reesah
03-29-09, 06:09 PM
"but I'll change my mind on all of it when it suits me to do so and it makes me the good dad and you the mean controlling mom."

the way he plays for validation from those close to him (dog, kid) sounds more Borderline than ASPD. Like there's an emotional component to it. Also lots of chauvinism, which isn't necessarily an ASPD thing (but can be)

How old is he?


I'd say that he might not have ASPD but he is certainly playing mind games with you, and behaving selfishly. Not every selfish ******* is ASPD.

Does he have a history of bad credit, criminal problems, violence? Does he owe a lot of people money? IS his past full of bad situations that are always someone else's fault?


(I have ASPD and while I have played similar mind games with people close to me, I also have the bad history that goes hand in hand with my disorder.)

stef
03-29-09, 06:25 PM
well I have absolutely no idea but that is just desperately not right. I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this.

FrazzleDazzle
03-29-09, 08:43 PM
Reesah, thanks so much for commenting. He's nearly 50. No, he doesn't have a history of much yucky stuff, which makes it so confusing. He "is a nice guy
that seems uncaring and unreachable, even to our son, but not in trouble like one would link with ASPD or borderline. Is he merely a diagnosable jerk? There are some pretty heavy steady traits that fit; though he functions fairly well on his own, and every negative thing that has happened IS somebody else's fault. I recall, our church group took the Myers Briggs personality assessment, and he came out in a little box all by himself, that 1-2% of the population fits into.

I don't know. Thanks for reading though, and you too Stef.

RedHairedWitch
03-29-09, 11:49 PM
Start keeping track and documenting when he sabotages your helping your son. Have a little journal, save voicemails and emails (communicate by email as much as possible and keep copies of both your and his).
You may one day find yourself showing it all to a mediator, judge or social worker.
And it might not even be you calling said judge (etc) in, once he has established himself as the good guy, whats to stop him from trying for full custody on a whim or just to futher screw with you?

stef
03-30-09, 03:38 AM
you know this thread bothered me a lot and I realize why;
my friend's father behaves like this. I'm not going to outline the very long & very personal story of hers here - but basically, he hasn't been seeing her yet always twisting things around to make it look like it's her fault (she is in her late 30's).
it would be easier to "understand" if he was just being selfish but somehow there's something very crafty about the whole thing which is unsettling.

reesah
03-30-09, 04:28 AM
Reesah, thanks so much for commenting. He's nearly 50. No, he doesn't have a history of much yucky stuff, which makes it so confusing. He "is a nice guy
that seems uncaring and unreachable, even to our son, but not in trouble like one would link with ASPD or borderline. Is he merely a diagnosable jerk? There are some pretty heavy steady traits that fit; though he functions fairly well on his own, and every negative thing that has happened IS somebody else's fault. I recall, our church group took the Myers Briggs personality assessment, and he came out in a little box all by himself, that 1-2% of the population fits into.

I don't know. Thanks for reading though, and you too Stef.


Sounds like more of a jerk thing. ASPD makes it really hard to get through life without wreaking some kind of havoc. I'd really think borderline... or just garden variety jerk/mean *******

BarbP
04-02-09, 02:14 AM
I agree with RedHairedWitch.... document, document, document.... then find a *GOOD* psychologist to do an assessment/evaluation of your son's situation (ask widely among people you know, people they know, etc., to find one they've used in difficult divorce/custory situations, and who has a clue about personality disorders and how to recognize them) .... and then a *GOOD* lawyer to handle the (probably very lengthy) process of getting your ex away from your son entirely.

You may never figure out exactly what your ex's diagnosis is, but it doesn't really matter.... his behavior towards your son sounds like neglect, bordering on abuse, and that's all that counts in the end.

Justtess
04-03-09, 01:55 AM
OMGosh.... you almost wrote about my whole relationship with my EX. It has been over a decade since our divorce but this is what I gather.

For some reason, I remind him of his "failures" and "poor choices" he made that resulted in permanent consequences. Instead of taking ownership and responsibility for it... it is much easier to blame me and have a beer.

I recently read the Love and Logic for Teens book recently and I liked what Dr. Cline says "An adolescent can be packaged as a child of ten. Or as an adult of forty, living with parents and acting fourteen. Or as a man married to a woman who plays the role of mother to a husband acting seventeen."

Somehow, my ex has very poor cause and effect skills. He gives me so much power as being the cause of all the terrible things in his life.... ok not going there.

The very same scenerios was in my relationship with my EX... I opt not to engage any conversation with him unless it's productive to our children. He hasn't seen them in two years... again and forfiets almost all of his visitations in the last 6 years. There has never been much of a bond there and we have the disneyland dad scenerio every other year for a week as if he was a visiting Uncle.

I would email the children's school website, teacher, doctor info to him as documentation. Also, if your child has parentconnect, it will tell you how many times a parent has logged in to check their child's grades. So far my EX has never checked or contacted one teacher. If there is a conflict with school or medical treatment in the future, I think this type of documentation will help you win the course you are wanting to take with the best interest of your child in mind.

apostilleus
05-13-09, 03:27 AM
My husband has exhibited a lot of that behavior as well and he happens to be ADHD and he has borderline personality disorder as well. In my husband's case most of that type of behavior is related to his BPD but there are some aspects of his ADHD that contribute to the problems. And some symptoms overlap. Both BPD and ADHD can involve impulsivity and boredom. BPD, ADHD, Bipolar disorder and cyclothymia (sp?) all involve mood swings. There are some distinguishing features and differences but sometimes the differences are not that easy to detect. It takes someone who has a very good understanding of all the disorders, including the many various ways in which they can be presented in a person and a good history and knowledge of the patient.

Just with ADHD alone, you will run into psychiatrists who will say that someone can not have ADHD if they get good grades, if they can sit still in the doctor's office, or if they can focus on something they like. And the more disorders someone has, the more difficult it can be to determine. Throw in substance abuse and you may not be able to make an accurate diagnosis until the substance abuse problem is gone.

m1trLG2
05-15-09, 05:42 PM
testing posting