I drink because I'm depressed and I'm depressed because I drink.....is this becomming me?

Ok, so this is embarrassing, but here goes. So for the past year now I have been in and out of jobs, and slowly losing my social life. I just don't feel like picking up my phone when my friends call, and I have been working twice as hard at my jobs, and trying to find one that I can last at. More days than not, I have stopped at the local liquor store for some wine for the past 6 months. It all started as a "why not, since I am working so hard I deserve a treat." Well, this "treat" has been happening at least 4 times a week if not more, often ending up in me finishing the whole bottle myself. (about the only thing I have finished in the past 3 months)

I think the problem is, is that when I drink it brings an element of fun into doing stupid stuff like cleaning my apt, doing laundry, etc and remaining positive and unfettered when faced with difficult people or situations. It's just super hard to get myself motivated to do anything these days. I tell myself that I will finally wash the dishes that have been piling up, but instead, I throw them in the trash and get new ones. I have now resorted to paper plates and plastic silverware, which is scattered about my room as I write this. My clothes are in total dissaray, and even when I do put these away, it takes about 15 minutes for them to be everywhere again, and it just seems like putting everything away takes 10X as long as finding what i need. This can definitely be extended to the rest of my life; I feel like I work my butt off (at least 12-16 hours a day) for my jobs, but I always seem to say or do something that gets me canned. I have been barely making my rent for 2 years now, and have been constantly stressed about money.

I just feel like I need to relax at the end of the day, and let loose. I have tried yoga, but its just hard to get myself motivated after a long day at the computer. I meditate almost every day, but that doesn't help either. I read books about sprituality, self help, and some great novels, but that only serves as a distraction at the moment, that I only do on train rides. I force myself to draw, write, interact with people, but all of these things are just that--forced--and leave me more stressed. Plus, some wine, some upbeat music, and suddenly I am in the mood for cleaning, organizing, and maybe going at my projects with a second wind . And most times, some beer and a movie will get me to excercise, or call one of my friends.

Yes, I have depression, and yes, I am on medication for it. Lexapro, along with my Adderall. I have tried experimenting with doses of each, but more of the Adderall just makes me more anxious, and more lexapro just makes me "ok with everything so I can just be happy with everything," and still not get much done, or make a real change. ARG, all I can seem to focus on is my damn projects, and those are seeming to take longer and longer. And even when I tell myself I will treat myself with a bath, a run, some dancing, or even hot chocolate and a movie, I cannot focus for the life of me, and start picking my nails or becomming anxious about what I SHOULD be doing to lift myself out of this mess instead of this.

I'm sorry for ranting, but it just seems like I am spiraling downwards, and nothing that i've done before (like yoga, meditation, reading inspiring books, having inspiring conversations with anyone at all) is helping. It just feels like I keep trying keep working, and nothing works out for me. Even my friends see it, and they have backed away from me like I had a voodoo curse or something.

I know that the alcohol is definitely NOT helping, and I go on spurts where I just don't drink...but that just makes me more anxious, and the people around me see it, and constantly ask me if I'm stressed out. Am I becomming an alcoholic, and physically addicted to alcohol?? I mean, I don't drink during the day, but its becomming an every night thing. This is scaring the living daylights out of me.

Lately, drinking or not, I can't seem to get myself out of bed, or even to cash my last paycheck. I have been trying to do laundry for weeks now, and still can't get to the laundromat on time. I can't motivate myself to do anything outside of my computer work, and even that has been a drag. I have never been like this, especially since I started my meds 4 years ago, and I am seriously trying everything, but I just can't seem to make my life work anymore. Everything I do seems to come crashing down, and the only thing I can take from it is a "learning experience." Well, I have become sick of learning and want to somehow maintain a meager job, and some notion of sanity. And I just feel like I'm even scared to get myself into another situation that fails. They say that failure is the best way to learn how to succeed, and I try to believe that, but how much failure can one person take without breaking??? And why the hell can't I just take care of myself and live life like other people?? Any advice, or empathy would be appreciated. I feel like I have been at the end of my rope for a long time now...and I hate myself for it.

Thank you so much for reading this post, even if you didn't get through all of it. These forums are often times my only source of support, and I thank you all so much for being here and sharing your lives, insecurities, happiness, and successes.

AHH! i'm getting all mushy and stupid writing this...where do i go from here?

It wouldn't hurt to contact AA and see if they can help or advise.

I would also consider talking to the Doctor who put you on Adderall and Lexapro and tell him/her everything you just told us. Sounds to me like the drinking is just being used to help you hide from some more serious underlying issue(s).

Don't wait any longer....the fact that you recognize there may be a problem is a FANTASTIC sign because that means you're not in denial and that's usually the BIGGEST hurdle to overcome.

Hang in there and good luck!

i totally understand what you mean. i am in the same situation now... taking an NRI (which is an antidepressant as well as ADHD med), but it isnt working - yet (?). i get this horrible feeling of desperation, which is hard to bear - but on alcohol, the world just seems brighter. its not so much of a problem anymore, i worry less, i think less. i know that alcohol is bad in the long term - it will destroy you. it destroyed my dad (who i think had adhd as well). i know it gets ugly. but i cant help it, as for now, its survival for me.

i really dont know what else i could do. as you said - you can still function on alcohol. somtimes even better than without it. with tranquilizers like valium, for example, i get in a "dont care dont want anything" state, but that doesnt help me at all, it will just prolong my problems. with alcohol, i can sleep, and i can sort of get my daytime stuff done to sort out my life, im not a lifeless zombie on it (at least not in minor amounts).

i dont know what advice to give you, but all i know is that if you need alcohol to function, something is wrong in your life... and i guess you need to find out about it and change it... or die. sorry to be so harsh, but alcohol does kill you in the long term, and it does so in a horrible way (my dad died of it, ive seen it). good luck...

I can understand how you feel, and I know it is not a good place to be in...

I am a recovering alcholic.

I am sober today gratefully

I take it one day at a time...my one day at a times have stacked up to 15ys sobriety...

why dont you stop in at an AA meeting to check it out

you dont have to be sober to go to a meeting...

just sit and listen...you might very well hear something that will change your life...

keep us posted ...we care..

geez, I could have wrote that post myself a few years ago.

only I sure wasn't aware enough of what I was doing to be able to so clearly describe it like you just did

way to go for that!

I don't have much time to write right now, but recognizing the problem is 80% of fixing it.

the other 20% is visualizing what you want out of life instead of that, and then actually staying focused on that vision enough to make it slowly happen - one step at a time.

we're here for you though.

sorry I don't have more time right now

Sounds alot like me, needing to escape at night. I used to use cannabis, now Im using alcohol, but I could easily switch back. For me its just self medicating to get away and not an addiction to any one particular substance. My only craving is to get away by any means possible.

Take away alcohol and it WILL be something else, perhaps hard drugs.

I'm escaping the life I've messed up, perhaps a midlife crises, who knows?

So I'm seeing my psychotherapist soon, its either that or a referral.

I'm just 18yrs old and in my area is harder to get marijuana but everytime I have a chance to smoke hashish or drink alcohol with friends or alone I just can't control my self and say no, but as we all know its not because we addicted, its because we want to escape from our ADD/ADHD, we just want to relax, to feel better and to have a couple hours of freedom of all the whirlwind that we got inside our heads.

self medicitating is also something I regularly practice...not that I want to forever but its become a ritual. One that I need to breka but with the stimulatns, it makes the urge that much more intesnse. Its not easy but its doable!