View Full Version : Wide Awake

04-05-04, 05:27 PM
Note: This in not complete, I was just trying to get some feedback on what I have so far.

“Danny stay with me, you’re bleeding a lot! I’m going to try tie my belt around your leg to slow down the bleeding. Mike, get over here and help me!” David yelled.
David lurched awake with sweat pouring off his face, heart pounding in his ears. That was the first nightmare he had had in almost six months. It had been over a year since the accident that left David’s friend, Danny, with a severe limp in his left leg. The doctors were able to save his leg but there was a lot of nerve damage and they said that Danny will not ever regain full use of his leg. David was driving when the accident happened.
The accident happened over a year ago and it completely changed David Bigelow’s life. David had been out with some friends partying, drinking and smoking pot out at the beach along the Gulf Coast of Pensacola. Two of the three friends he was with he had known since high school. David drove that night and was fine until he went got into Danny’s neighborhood to drop him off.
“David slow down, don’t you think you are going a little fast?” Mike chided him.
“Relax, everything is under control, I only had a couple beers or so,” David confidently said. The car slammed into a park car and rolled, and David life kept spinning for a long time after that August night.
“No, Mike I don’t want to go out with you on Saturday Night,” David told his old friend.
“You’ve been really weird lately, David. What are you a hermit or something? We won’t make you get high or drunk! We just miss having you around.” Mike said almost begging David to come along.
“I just can’t do it. Sorry you don’t understand, man. I need to go on my run; I’ve got to go.”
“Yeah, sure David, I guess,” Mike said.
“Bye Mike,” David said as he hung up the phone. He missed Mike, but not enough to jeopardize all of his progress. David spent eight months in counseling over the guilt he had about the accident and Danny’s leg. Danny had always been so athletic, always playing pick-up basketball. After the accident and months of physical therapy he could barely walk. David had thought the nightmares were behind him.

“Hi Jen,” David said as he shut his car door and was walking from the parking lot to his class at Pensacola Junior College.
“Hey David. I thought you usually take the bus. I didn’t know you even had a car.” Mary said as she slowed for David to catch up with her.
“I just got my license back last month. What classes are you taking this semester?” David asked, trying to change the subject.
“I have ENGLISH COMP II, History, Chemistry, Drawing. What are you taking?”
“That’s quite a load. I’m only taking two classes. Psychology and Creative Writing,” David said, unsure of himself.
“Creative writing, are you a writer?” Jen asked.
“No, not really. I didn’t do well in High School English, but I have been writing in a journal a lot over the past year. Also, English Comp II was full and it fit into my schedule with work,” David said, again trying to change the subject. He didn’t want to get Jen to ask him anymore questions.
“Where do you work, David?
“At Ross. Well, I better get going Jen, I don’t want to be late for my class,” David said awkwardly.
“Good seeing you again, David. Maybe I will see you around campus,” Jen said.
“Maybe. Bye,” David meekly said rushing off the other direction to get to his class.

“OK class, why don’t you get together with one or two other students and share your poems with each other,” Mrs. Fischer said.
“Hi Melissa. Hi John how are you ‘all two doing?,” David said as he was nervously getting out his poem.
“Hey David. I’m good. How ‘bout you?” Melissa asked.
“OK, I guess,” David mumbled.
“Who’s going to go first?” John asked.
“I will. I just wanted to get it over with,” David said.
“OK, sounds good to me,” John said as Melissa nodded in agreement

“Wake Up Call

Rolling and spinning, I am at times dizzy.
The crunch of the metal faintly echoes in my head.
Awakened with a start, I thought it was over.
Haunting and chasing, my dreams pursue me.

The rescue team is gone and the broken
shards of glass are swept clean.
The blood won’t wash from my hands.
Out of breath, I keep running and running
but am not able to find my parking spot.

The basketball keeps bouncing off the rim,
It won’t ever make it in again because the
The ball hit the shards of broken glass.

I don’t want to be asleep anymore,” David breaths out a sigh of relief as he finishes his poem.

“Wow, that’s pretty intense, David! I like it” Melissa said.
“Man, I don’t know what to say. Can I ask what this is about?” John asked.
“It’s about a car accident I was in over a year ago,” David almost whispered.

I want to put more in about David's work. I am thinking about having some type of Crisis at work where he will have to choose between career advancement with Ross or School.

04-05-04, 06:22 PM
I really like it so far. It reads really well and the conversations sound natural. Good start!

04-05-04, 06:58 PM
Thanks for the feedback Claudia.