My seven year old son was diagnosed with ADD last summer. He does not have the hyperactivity component so he was diagnosed when I finally had had it with teachers telling me that he had a "maturity" issue and a "self esteem" issue. I knew something was up. I finally got him to the pediatrician who talked to all of the people around Matt and diagnosed him with ADD. He has been on metadate and his learning issues have improved dramatically.

Here is the issue. Matt's dad has undiagnosed ADD as well. A lot of the behavior issues that Matt has are exactly the same issues that his father has. Acting really loud in public, acting like he is smarter than everyone else, arguing every single point no matter how important and being unable to let it go, taking everything straight to heart without thinking about how, why, who or anything. When he makes a mistake he wont' own up to it .. he comes up with elaborate excuses as to why he did it. He gets loud and disrespectful. His dad is exactly the same way.

Right now I have primary physical custody. I have allowed matt to spend 50% of his time with me and 50% of his time with his dad. He switches every monday. he and his dad are close in that they have a lot of fun together and since they think a lot alike .. Matt can relate to how his dad explains things and does things. In that sense the visitation schedule has been good.

The problem is that Matt is older and he is having social problems in school. The kids tease him because of his talking. They call him a know it all. Matt wont conform .. so if he feels like catchign bugs at recess and no one else does .. then he plays by himself. In fact in the past few months the only time he has said that he played with other kids is when he played jump rope with girls a grade behind him. Instead of improving in social skills he is getting worse. He is starting emmulate his dad rather than just have issues his own. When I get him back from his dad's its like we have to re-learn all the rules again. It's not that his dad is bad .. it's that he himself can't see the social issues. It's like he is proud that he is weird and he is trying to make sure that Matt is exactly the same as he is. and example of somethign he has done is when his wife had a baby they allowed matt to taste her breast milk. As it turns out Matt his dad and his dad's wife all sat around and tried the breast milk. They had discussions about how it tasted but never talked to Matt about how it was private or anything else. So i get Matt back and he is going around telling everyone what breast milk tastes like. The child is in second grade .. the boys in his class woudl have had a field day with that one. I got on it right away and discussed that it was private.

I changed visitation last year so that I had Matt during the week and his dad had him every other weekend. His dad threw a fit and started talking to Matt about how it wasnt' fair. Poor Matt was a wreck. I dealt with it .. but it was so hard on Matt because of the way his dad handled it. Then we got the add diagnosed and his doc asked em to wait to change visitation. I did and now his dad has filed for custody and I have counter-filed to have visitation set the way that I think it should be.

has anyone been through this? I don't want to remove Matt from the one person that is like him and can relate to him .. by the same token .. I don't want Matt to suffer in school and social settings. I don't think that his dad will win custody ... Matt cries when he is away from me too long. But I dont' want to push the visitation thing if I am wrong. has anyone been through this?????

sorry terri i haven't been thru that, but trust yourself and your gut..... YOU know what your son needs. it probably won't be pretty, but do what you have to do in the best interests of your son. good luck and keep us posted as to what happens!!
chris

Sorry about hwat your going thru ...I have full custody of my 2 boys from my ex husband .. ( Thankfully) ... Have you ever mentioned to your ex about seeing a counslour .. maybe if he gets help then when he has your son then he will know how to deal with him better.

It sounds like to me that your ex doesnt have any rules really at his house and when your son goes over there he forgets the house rules. You 2 as parents need to come up with house rules that are the same at each house. Also put down rules at your ex's house... tell him what is exceptable to you and what isn't. ( my 9yr and almost 8yr wanted to try my breasts milk out of a bottle of course but I just laughed it off and explained to them that its for babies and they dont need to taste it ) .. I myself wont even let hubby touch my breasts .. the other night I yelled at him when he was trying to get romantic and told him NO THOSE ARE THE BABIES DONT TOUCH .. lol

Now about the kids at school .. try to get him in school sports .. baseball is a good one... the kids at school see him as differnt and of course the way life is .. people are scared and make fun of others that arent like them . Ask the school to get involved some how .. see if they have a counsling group at school for children with add or adhd. ( some schools have them not all though)

Mattls school is really good with him. I am so pleased with the communication from the teachers and the counselor. In fact I just spoke with his teacher today.

The trouble with Matt's dad is that it is his way or the highway. No matter how I have approached issues with him he always takes what I am saying as criticisms of he he parents. No matter how I try to coordinate I am wrong and he will parent his way. I can't win. I can't even get him to discuss schedule with me .. he says that Matt has his schedule at his house and his schedule and my house and that is his schedule.

we'll you can threaten him that you will take him to court for supervised visits by someone eles ... because of your sons behavior after he comes home .

see .. he is taking ME to court to try to get custody. He won't be successful, but now is my chance to have the court set visitation. I want to do the right thing for my son ..

I can speak on this one from your ex point of veiw in that I had custody of my two boys and I am the one with ADD.

My ex wife still has no clue about ADD and I am glad that the boys grew up with me as the one boy would have suffered badley I believe growing up in a home where it wasn't normal to do some of the ADD things we did. ( This is my feeling and I may have been wrong , there is no way to tell )

Your situation is different in the sense that you are the Linear Thinker of the family and from what I see in your post you are willing to explore and lear about "What It Is Like to Have ADD (http://www3.sympatico.ca/garrylawton/ADD/What.htm)" (Check The Link)

If you can be supportive of the way your son is and not try to turn him into something he isn't, a Linear Thinker, but help him to understand why he is different than other kids and help him to excell with the gifts he may have, as opposed to trying to force him to do things the way society says they should be done, then he will be a very lucky boy.

If you were able to read all of the posts here that speak of "How Things Would Have Been Different" if they had been diagnosed sooner and allowed to learn in our own way, but at the same time being taught about the emotions that go along with the ADD. Not taught how to try a little harder to be better at getting along (in example ) but more being taught why the emotions and tempers flare up so unexpectedly and being taught what these Names of emotions actully are. In example I had heard of Self Esteam, as long as I could remeber but it wasn't untill the last year and a half of living here at the ADDfourms, with my fellow brothers and sisters in learning, di I actully get an understanding of what was meant to have "Low Self Esteam"

when I finally had had it with teachers telling me that he had a "maturity" issue and a "self esteem" issue. Don't let eveybody tell him and you that "He has low "self esteem" , without explaining it to him 112 times if that's what it takes for him to understand the words "self esteem".

We learn differently than other folk, I myself am a 100% visual learner, and once I have taken something apart "physically and visually", then I can read the words in the book and understand what the words say and mean.

I could go on and on but I won't

I will just say that given the proper chance and understanding of what its like to learn differently, "than how society says we should be able to learn things ", then Matt not only stands a good chance of not suffering as much as many of us have , but he will probally have a better than average chance to excell in what interests him

My oppinion for what it is worth

Just a thought, but he's pretty young for 50/50 placement, and especially week to week placement. It's unlikely that our judge would order that placement schedule even if both of you were model parents.
ADD or not, most kids need a home base when they're that young. Dad may or may not be receptive to this reasoning: Let your child have the security and structure of a home base now, and he will be more secure as he grows up. And, he won't resent Dad for keeping him from that security.
I have four sons and have always had primary placement, but they have always spent a lot of time with dad. They take the school bus home to dad's house, have dinner with him, and then I pick them up after dinner. They are also with him e/o weekend.
As the boys get older, they spend more and more time with him - hunting, farming, working on cars, etc. We tried week by week when we were first divorced and two of the boys were ok with it, but it was really hard on the other two. Good luck, going to court is so stressful, not to mention expensive. Susan