Hi, i'm a newbie to this forum, and need some advice. I am 35, and was dating a beautiful 20 year old girl with ADD. Met her in one of my college classes last semester. We hit it off almost instantly, and both of us have never been happier. We spent at least part of almost every day together from the middle of September through the middle of December, and most everyday on Saturdays. I fell in love with her during the last few weeks she was here in December. Well, then problems set in. She went home for Christmas break.

She had never had a boyfriend before, and never even been kissed. When she came back, she seemed like an entirely different person. I had the misfortune of getting very sick(a severe sinus infection) the first week of December, just before I had planned to give her first kiss at the Christmas dance. I took her anyway, and being unable to kiss her, I gave her some Hershey's kisses and told her to trade them in for the real thing later. Well, she did that when she came back, much to my chagrin. We went to the zoo a few days after she returned, and she demanded a kiss. Said I didn't want to kiss her. I tried to explain to her that I was still sick, and we should wait a few days, until I was completely well, but she persisted for about 5 minutes. So I finally gave her two light kisses on the lips.

The next day, she tells me she needs time & space, she wants to date other people(she hasn't been doing that). Of course, I was devastated. Not sure what to do, losing my g/f and best friend I thought. Well, it turns out I made virtually all the wrong decisions. I tried to get her back, and she sent me an e-mail saying she wanted no contact for a month. After about 2 weeks of trying, I quit. Most all of our conversations turned out bad. Well after 2 more weeks had passed, I talked to her the Friday before Valentine's. Tuesday of the next week, after receiving an e-mail from her brother, I replied and asked him what was up with her. No reply from him, but the next morning, dad calls and leaves me a message to tell me to leave her alone! Boy, talk about hurting a lovesick guy. Well, I had no choice now...The girl I loved I now couldn't even communicate with. And I met her mom & dad Thanksgiving...They both seemed to like me then...Seemed that is. Her dad has ADD too. Her mom doesn't. I think her brother does also. I have gotten so many mixed signals from her since Christmas. She became angry one day because I didn't sit by her, another day because I didn't respond when she was saying hi to somebody else. I even think she has tried to flirt with me some, but nothing like she did before Christmas. She seems very angry about something, what I don't know.

Thing is, she is in one of my classes two days a week, and she has now become very bitter, hateful towards me. She tries to taunt me in class, and if I try to respond, she ignores me. Of course, her dad has told her not to talk to me. This makes things very bad. I did nothing to merit that sort of treatment, as I treated her like a princess the whole time we were dating. Never touched her, other than light, flirting hand, arm, leg touches. One of her friends told me she still thinks about me some, and gets very emotional when she does. I've also been told she is doing a lot of thinking.

We had a very special friendship, aside from being g/f b/f. She constantly told me this. Well, the friendship has been basically destroyed. But I still like this person. I always did. I liked her for who she was. She and I are basically polar opposites, I'm shy, reserved, she's aggressive, outgoing. She's also very selfish too. But I overlooked the negative traits she has and saw the real person. Or so I thought. She was very much into me as well, flirting with me constantly before Christmas. Now, I'm told she is very confused about many things in life. She wasn't taking meds before, but I think she is now. Not sure though. Doesn't seem to be helping her any, as she is often teased, laughed at in class for blurting out stupid comments.

She turns 21 this week, and I really miss her. I want to talk to her, reestablish the friendship. I have her a card, but I'm not sure if I will send it to her or not yet. I haven't talked to her at all in two months. I don't think she has many friends, has become a loner for the most part, frowning a lot.

I have several questions:

Do ADD people normally act this way, and if so, how long does this last?

How long should I wait before contacting her again? She will have another class with me in the fall of this year.

She has made a 180 degree change from before Christmas to after. It has me perplexed. Would she ever change her mind about me? I treated her with nothing but respect, kindness, love while we were together. Did many special things for her to show her that I cared(took her to see her favorite NFL team play, she'd never even been to an NFL game before). I'm not sure if she appreciated them or not now.

I still love this person, because she was my first true love. And I think she was actually falling in love with me as well before Christmas. Could this cause her to back off?

Is there any possibility for even friendship? I valued her friendship dearly as well, since she was my best friend.

Sorry for such a long post, but I am very confused, just as she seems to be.

Well, any advice, answers to my questions would be greatly appreciated, because she is a very special person to me, and I would love to have her back in my life someday, even if it's several years down the road. I'm not going to sit around and wait on her though, but I'd like to keep the memories and thoughts of her around, and try again if the opportunity should present itself.

Jeff

Welcome to the forums Jeff!!. I do not beleive the ADD caused all that is going on with her, but remember I am no expert. With ADD we tend to not see the social signals in relationships. She may have seen you not kissing her as a signal you did not like her in that way anymore. It sounds like she did not care if you were sick or not.

Also remeber her age comapared to your age. She sounds like until she met you she was not very actively dating. If you gave her self confidence she may have decided she might like to see other people. My guess is that ADD or not at twenty she may be wanting to test the waters a little more.

I would not give her the card and back way off. If she likes you she will come back, If not then take the good memories and move on. I can tell you from experience no women likes a guy going through friend or family to find out what is going on. Her freinds and family do not like it either.

I would respect her wish to be friends on her terms. She may treat you better and it will give her time to make the right decision for her and for you.

Remember I am no expert. I wish you the best of luck.
Jim

Hey, thanks for responding. It's not like I've been sitting still since we broke up. I've been out on several dates(have 2 next week), but nobody quite compares to her. We seemed to get along so well together. I guess all I can do now is to pray and wait. I just know that she was extremely happy before Christmas(we shared many good times/memories together), and something changed while she was gone. I was very happy too. Now, all I have are those memories of her, which warms my heart when I think of her. It hurt worse losing her friendship than the relationship.

I have been getting so many mixed signals from her since Christmas, but here lately, mostly silence. :( That's why things have confused me so. She did a 180 change in the month she was gone. And I haven't talked to her in 2 months. And worst of all, her dad has told her not to talk to me!

But if she doesn't come back, life will go on. Maybe one day in the future when she grows up/matures, she will remember me fondly and if we are both available, we can start again from a fresh perspective. I won't wait around forever, but one can always have hope though!

Jeff

Hi Jeff,

I am new to this myself and I am not experienced except for the experience gained through ADD. In any case, being a woman with ADD, it is very difficult and embarrassing. Have you tried to just take her aside and talk to her after one of your classes? Maybe just say, that you were wondering if the 2 of you could just talk. Just say it out straight and explain, that you don't know what is going on but that you miss her friendship. Ask if it would be possible to start over and just try being friends, if it works out to be more than that, great and if not, at least you tried? You may want to apologize for going through her family to talk. Explain that you really care for her and since you have classes together, could you find a way to at least start over being friends to lessen the tension. This is going to sound crazy, but apologize for having the sinus infection and not being able to kiss her. Tell her that is was not because of her, it honestly was just because of the ADD. No, you shouldn't have to apologize for being sick, but if she is messing around with taking or not taking her medication she may not have understood or remembered that.
It may also be because she is only in her early 20's also. She may just need time to mature. What ever you do, do not talk to her family any more. . . .

Just some thoughts, I don't know if that helps.

Take care and good luck,

Misty

Huge age difference there Jeff. Not that age need mean anything. I think Misty may have the right of it. She is certainly acting as though she is angry about something... She went away christmas and came back and wanted to date other people. Parents met you "seemed" to like you. She behaves differently now. Suppose, just suppose, that Mom and Dad, expressed a concern to their little girl that you were too mature for her? Little brother who almost certainly would have written you a nasty gram if you had hurt sis's feelings wouldn't have known how to respond to your mail, but would have mentioned it. Dad would have had to have risen to answer it then. Your sweet heart, of course, would feel heart broken when her Mom and Dad wouldn't give their blessing. That sort of thing is important to a young girl. It would certainly explain the anger. ADDers often have problems appropriately directing anger. She may well have very conflicting emotions regarding you. Her feelings for you may well be the same, but you may well now also be a source of pain because her parents may not approve. Do you see?

Perhaps you could write a letter. Keep it short, but address these concerns. My advice, to be absolutely honest, would be to give her a graceful out in the letter. Don't make assumptions mind you, but ask. Ask her if the change of circumstance was due to her parents not approving of the age difference between you and wanting her to experience more and date more. Suggest that it seems to you that something like that might have caused her a great deal of hurt, and been hard to approach you with, and would make sense of the way things had gone to you. Tell her if that was the case you could certainly understand. Let her know you weren't trying to be hurtful by not sitting next to her or responding when she said hi, but that you had heard from her father asking that you leave her alone, and you were confused by her behavior at first. Then tell her that if all of this is the case that her parents are only trying to do the right thing. She is a young, vibrant beautiful girl, and she should live while she is young. Tell her what it is you loved so much about her and tell her that there's no set time limit on that. Then simply wish her well. After that my friend time will tell. I suggest the letter, because as an ADDer her short term memory may be like mine. She can re-read it. Also it minimizes contact, so the liklihood of getting the brushoff is lessened. Envelopes with letters in them are mysterious and arouse curiousity. Trust me. The one downside, is she may accuse you of not having the guts to say it to her face. But that is an accusation generally reserved for breaking up, something she already did to you. So, I think this is perfectly appropriate. Especially since this is emotionally charged communication, and she is clearly upset about something regarding you and you don't know what it is. A letter is amongst the safest ways, for her, to recieve your words. It's very non-threatening emotionally for her because she can receive and react to your message in private. She could even chose to pretend she hadn't read it. Which is part of why it is safe for her. Anyway, good luck.

P.S. Take my advice with a grain of salt. I try hard and do my best. But I'm also on my second marriage and I can't seem to keep this wife happy either. :-(

Hey, thanks for the advice everybody. As far as talking to her, that is basically out of the question right now. I want to, but know that would be the worst possible thing to do. I sort of tried to make conversation with her a few weeks ago after class by saying hello, but she ignored me. I text messaged her happy birthday on her birthday, but no response. Haven't seen her since she turned 21. So she now has to come to me. No, I won't talk to her family again. They are weird, strange. The phone message I got was very disturbing, and I have since found out that it wasn't because I was talking to her, but because I bothered her brother. And dad told her not to talk to me anymore after that. I am beginning to think she regrets how she treated me, because I have since made many new friends at the school. She still seems angry, but at what, I don't know. Thing is, I think she is too stubborn to admit that she made a mistake, and even if she could, she wouldn't know how to do it or what to say. Plus the fact that dad told her not to talk to me.

The past few weeks, she has seemed to flirt with me very subtly once again, a brief smile, a quick glance. But for the most part, she completely ignores me.

I've been out with several girls since, went to lunch today and to the zoo with one, and have another lunch date next week, but so far, nobody compares to her. Before Christmas, we had a special connection. After, I haven't a clue as to what happened.

The letter idea might work. I will pray, think about it for a while. Thing is, I just don't want to do anything to get myself into trouble.

Anybody else got any thoughts on whether or not a letter would work, be OK to send?

Do you think meds could have caused her to change her behaviour that much? I think she is taking them now. She walks around with the proverbial "deer in the headlights" look. As if she is caught up in her own imaginary world. She has begun to make strange noises in class now. People laugh at her. I feel sorry for her. I just can't understand how somebody's behaviour could change that radically basically overnight. She wasn't this way at all last semester. The last time I talked to her in February, she said she was different. I told her I didn't care, that I liked her for who she was. Then I said she was just using that as an excuse. She didn't quite know how to respond to that.

I'd like to talk to her before the semester ends in a month, but I doubt seriously that will happen. Perhaps she will do some thinking this summer. Well, I can't just sit still for her, even though I still do love her. Life goes on. She had her chance, and if not her(perhaps another chance will come for her & I), then somebody else. Thing is, like I said, so far, I haven't found anybody who I had a connection with like her.

Thanks again for the advice everybody!

Whitone,

Strange noises? Could be one of the co-morbid conditions I brought up earlier. Probably is, in fact. ADD is quite commonly accompanied by other neurological issues that are generally localized in the same parts of the brain ADD affects, or close by in anycase. So one of the theories I read goes. There are a good many theories out there to be sure. Theories aside though, the fact remains that fifty percent of ADDers have conduct disorder (ODD), or generally a clump of anxiety disorders (one is possible but they tend to come in groups or clumps) such as OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), Panic Disorder, and the like. Major Depressive Disorder is also present is roughly 50% of ADDers, although I am less confident of this figure, so I hope someone with a correction or confirmation will be forthcoming with it in a reply post. It is certainly common though. Bipolar disorder is not only commonly mistaken for ADD, and vice versa, but it is also commonly co-morbid with ADD. Tourrettes syndrome (which could certainly cause tics and strange noises, if either she wasn't taking her meds, or she was taking a med for ADD that was a stimulant as they often aggravate tourrettes or so I'm told. I can't see any doctor worth his or her salt intentionally giving her a stimulant if she had tourettes unless there was no other choice. It is more likely she wasn't taking her meds or that there was a recent switch or they simply weren't effective. That's even assuming it was tourrettes. I am no doctor, and even if I were I certainly couldn't accurately hazard a diagnosis on the basis of second hand observations. Personality disorders have been linked to ADD, although in many cases ADD is mistakenly diagnosed as a personality disorder. This is a bit like the BP/ADD link. I believe there is a link here as well as cases of mistaken identity. Certainly not all cases of ADD fall into this category any more than they do the Bipolar category or the anxiety or conduct disorder category.

Bottom line whitone, this girl might well have some serious complications in her life, and that might well be why her family is so protective of her. ADDers are quite emotionally sensitive as is, add a bit of this and a bit of that and you can end up with a very fragile person indeed. Or a person who is percieved as very fragile at any rate.

I might hold off on the letter at this point. I know you are concerned, and I know you have genuine feelings for the girl. It just strikes me that at 20 or 21, especially if she is dealing with a probably very unpleasant (really more like hellish) co-morbid condition. Her flirty behavior might be along the lines of testing the waters, to see if you are still approachable. Be approachable. Don't approach her at this point, ESPECIALLY after what her father said. It is far too easy for that to be percieved as potentially threatening. Not necessarily in the stalker sort of way either. If her parents are concerned because of her general state of mental health, IE co-morbid conditions like bi-polar that you may be unaware of, that are presently well controlled, but they are concerned your influence could interefere with or have a negative impact on her well being, it could cause real problems. SO, you definitely leave the ball in her court, and proceed with great caution even if she approaches you.

I'm not saying she is necessarily made of glass. She may have had seriously bad experiences with lack of understanding or stigma in the past though. Which could also explain the parental protective stance. I am more inclined to go with my first explanatation though. At her age, with the added complications of the stresses she may be under your best bet is simply to be an available friend. Only be one from afar. Live your life, stay out of her way, if she approaches you, be kind, pleasant, reciprocate, and if she wants more address the situation to date and find out what gives. If she is simply pleasant or flirty, return the pleasantness, be genuinely warm and move on. If other students are making fun, you might consider discussing it with them out of her earshot, at a convenient time after class. No heroics, just point out that people have problems and insensitive juvenile jerks don't make them any easier.

Beyond that my friend? I guess praying is the best idea. I am no believer, but if you truly do love her you will act in her best interests. At this point in time, I think that is to allow her to go through what she needs to with whatever dignity she can manage and do what she needs to do. I don't know what I'd call it, but it's a sort of balancing act. Hopefully, she doesn't go too far astray as some of us have before finding our centers, or at least getting reasonably close. She at least feels comfortable enough with you as a person to "sort of flirt with you". That's a good sign. Stay approachable. No matter how strange she may seem. She's still her. She may need someone to reach out to at some point (not for romance necessarily so keep that in mind), she feels sees her as a person and not a "freak", if it comes to that. Especially far from home. Isolation is all too easy, especially when your differences are considered bizarre and discomfitting by so many. If it does come to that you can ensure she utilizes the resources available appropriately, and , much as they may dislike you contact her family. Hopefully, it would never come to that...

I don't know what else to say. Just be a good man. The best you know how. Under the circumstances, even the letter is probably a very bad idea. Just let it go for now. If she say hi, or wants to talk be warm, and friendly, but I wouldn't suggest jumping headlong back into the relationship, even given the chance unless you know what exactly is going on.

Yeah, she seems to have an abundance of problems alright. That's for sure. But she can control them sometimes anyway. One minute, she'll be making noises, the next, perfectly normal so to speak. And she often just blurts out stuff in class that has absolutely no relation to anything at all, especially not to the class. A friend of mine has her in two other classes, and he said she does the same thing in those classes as well. Most people just say she is weird and either ignore her or leave her completely alone. Weird or not, people need to be loved. I've been called weird before myself because I used to be extremely shy. Just meeting her helped me overcome a lot of stuff.

Well, I guess I must let it go for now. It is a very difficult thing to do, but I've heard it said that if you love something, let it go, and if it returns, it is yours. If not, it wasn't meant to be. Maybe not said exactly right, but you get the idea.

I will pray, hope that she will return to me someday(maybe in the fall semester). Because I fear anything I do will only make matters worse. At least that has been the case so far. Still haven't ruled out a simple letter before the semester ends...Something like can we talk or call me, let's be friends. Not much more than that. But a lot of praying, thinking before that will happen.

I guess at this point, only time will tell.

Thanks again everybody for the advice.

Need some advice again. I really want to send her a letter before the semester ends in a few weeks. A very short one to basically ask her if we can just become friends again. I fear if I don't, I will lose her forever.

She'll be back in the fall...She lives 1000 miles away. Even be in at least one class I have. I haven't talked to her in over two months now. She's seemed not so ill at ease as of late, more glances my way in class. But I don't think she will come right out and talk to me first. She's much too stubborn to do that.

Anybody got an opinion on whether or not I should send her a letter or not? The semester ends in two weeks, so I must do it soon, if I am to do it all. I'm not certain whether or not I will yet or not. She will be gone by the 15th of next month until the Fall.

Thanks for the advice again.

Well you might be setting yourself up for more rejection, yet since you are already being rejected what do you have to lose?

I don't know this girl seem's to have some major immaturity problem's and it may set you up for more than rejection. Some people just get off on causing other's people discomfort, humiliation and pain--I'm not saying this is how your girl is, only a simple warning. I watched my brother be placed under arrest for stalking because his ex kept telling him she wanted to work thing's out and to call her. Thank God he was found innocent BUT please keep it simple, maybe a card with a very small personal note would be best.