View Full Version : the black pit


reesah
04-23-09, 01:57 AM
It starts when I'm not getting what I want. I start to feel a rising sense of frustration. This becomes panic- I must satisfy whatever it is that's driving me. If I can't?

It's a black pit. It's crushing. Life is not worth another moment and everything that I have done, the things that were worthwhile just a few days (or hours) ago, are pointless.

It is so painful, so bleak, that I will do anything, anything at all, to avoid it.

There's a black leech next to my heart, sucking it. There's a hole there. There's something wrong at my core, something missing and I know it's supposed to be there, there's supposed to be something there!

Either that or everyone, every book, every movie, every show, every person, everything in the world, everyone, is lying. They're all putting on a show of being happy, being kind. They're all like me inside and pretending. Why can't I pretend? Why am I missing the skills to do as everyone else does?

It's too much to think that they're not faking it, that their "feelings" are real, that others can be that happy and all I get is the blackness.

I can't remember a time when I had any other perception. When there was something in there. I hate people, all of them, from my hole in the ground I see them walking up there in the sunlight and I hate them, I really do- because they're not doing anything any better than I am, or being any better than me. Why do they have this thing and I can't?





/vent thanks for letting me get it out

ADDMagnet
04-25-09, 12:16 AM
Reesah,
We all need to vent! It's good to be able to voice what you are feeling. And your honesty is refreshing. (And your writing is so expressive and poetic---are you a writer by profession?) So many times, we live in denial and how can we fix anything if we aren't even willing or able to face it?

I don't know too much about ASPD, nor do I have a PD but my husband, son and daughter have all been diagnosed with BPD. I know a lot about misconceptions and stigmatizing labels though. You have to be careful what you reveal to people. Fortunately, I have a fair number of people whom I can talk to and who do understand. I hope you have someone as well who is able to accept you and understand you.

In one of your posts, you had mentioned dysphoria. That is also prevalent in borderline personality disorder, and as you mentioned, it is different than typical depression.

The doctor who treats my husband and our son and daughter, has been very successful in treating those with BPD. Medication plays a big part in the treatment of their dysphoria. They all have a "Dysphoria Instruction Sheet" on what they need to do. It sounds like something similar might work for those with other PD's who suffer with dysphoria. Not that medication is the "whole" treatment, but it is an important part of treating BPD. I don't know as much about what is all recommended for those suffering from ASPD.

One thing that I have found to be helpful when I am going through frustrating and upsetting times, is to read the Psalms. I can always find some that express what I am feeling at the time. And, fortunately, God isn't afraid to hear our honest feelings, no matter how shocking they may be.

I think we still have a long way to go towards understanding the mind. There are so many misconceptions and disorders that bring stigmatism. Just as children with ADHD were labelled as "bad", "stupid", or "lazy", there are a lot of other labels society uses that are incorrect as well. The more I learn about ADHD (my whole family, including myself have some form of ADHD) and BPD, the more revealing and perceptive I find the Biblical command "to not judge others". We think we know why someone does something and we label them, but we really don't know as much as we think we do.

I do hope that you are feeling and doing better.

ADDMagnet

reesah
04-30-09, 06:19 AM
Thank you for your kind words.

It's like drowning. I rarely go to the darker places in the pond, because I make sure there are people around me, who know how to swim- and I will drag them under, step on them, to keep myself afloat. I will do anything needed to keep my head above water.

I think that's why they diagnose me aspd and not bpd or some other- I simply don't care what the consequences are; I will not allow myself to drown, other people don't matter when I feel I'm going under, nothing matters but staying at the surface.

I would do anything to stay out of that place.

I read something about Richard Ramirez (a serial killer) in which he had written to a "friend" that his dark moods were so bad for him, that when the "voices" said to kill to stay out of the dark mood, he naturally did it, didn't even think twice about it. Because anything, anything, was better than that.

I luckily have no "voices" nor do I have violent urges on that level, so I've not had to go to such extremes. But I understand- if I had to kill to stay out of that black pit, I would do it, without a moment's hesitation. I think that staying out of that pit involves my continued freedom and not being afraid of prosecution, so I have no reason to think violence of any kind would make me feel better or keep me further from that darkness.

I think some people don't have those inhibitions, or maybe their fear of confinement, punishment, or being caught are less, maybe they are more capable of violence in some ways. I understand it, I don't like to say it out loud but I really understand it.

There's some of this stuff I can talk about with a friend or two but things like this I keep to myself. It's not something I'm proud to admit, that a lot of my poor behavior is centered on a fear, on avoiding something, I don't like to admit that there's something I'm so afraid of. It feels like offering someone a way to control me, or some way to wave away my needs, or that it is a secret I keep for myself. I don't feel comfortable talking to people I know in real life about these things.

I'm very glad I found this forum.

I've been a little down lately and so not posting as much. The pressure of kindness has been weighing on me and I can see the dark moods in the distance and I don't like it. I'm trying to figure out how to stave it off without behaving badly to others. This place is helping me do that. I am an atheist and have no belief in any higher being at this time in my life. I try to trust that the universe or world will keep me safe, but even that smacks of something I am uncomfortable with. So I'd say that prayer or the like makes me feel even less secure...as if asking an empty room to hand you a glass of water would save you from thirst?

Thanks again

reesah
04-30-09, 06:23 AM
Also, I'm going to do some more research about dysphoria. Thanks for that thought, maybe it will help!

johnny s.
04-30-09, 08:51 AM
hi reesah

I don't know much about whatever brian type you might have, but I'm sure you're not the only one who has it.

therefore I'm sure there's help available for you, that will help you be happy and fulfilled and all.

there also might be meds available to help balance you out just a bit.

I would suggest just talking to a theropist or doc, or keep poking around on the net until you figure it out yourself.

but even then you still might benefit from some meds, so just make things easy on yourself & go see a doc :)

reesah
05-01-09, 02:42 AM
I live in the US.

I am self-employed.

I have a heart condition.

I have no insurance. This means that my health care's really limited. I don't have a "family doctor" to get a referral from; there's no clinic here that will offer medical care since my income is slighlty above poverty level.

I know "see a doctor" is great advice, theoretically speaking. But you're talking to someone who has done home dentistry here. If I "feel a little down" spending a few hundred dollars isn't really going to help much...especially since when I do feel down I can't work as much and end up without the extra money.

I'm usually not that down. This is more of a reference point. I get these moments from time to time but they're not constant and at this point in my life I know that they pass.

Thanks for the words, though, and the thoughtfulness.

madelefant
05-01-09, 06:50 AM
Describes my existence to a T. I spend my life working around ending up in situations where I might end up with that crushing feeling. By the way. I think a lot of them are faking. LOL.


Mike

reesah
05-01-09, 01:31 PM
By the way. I think a lot of them are faking. LOL.


Mike


You know Mike, the more friends I make here the more I think almost all of them are. It seems like everyone has that darkness going on somewhere in their insides, in some way. It's just that some people's pits are shallower than others...I like this place because the people here seem to have more depths in them than that, and so a lot of em get it.:)

stef
05-02-09, 01:42 PM
There's a black leech next to my heart, sucking it. There's a hole there. There's something wrong at my core, something missing and I know it's supposed to be there, there's supposed to be something there!

Either that or everyone, every book, every movie, every show, every person, everything in the world, everyone, is lying. They're all putting on a show of being happy, being kind. They're all like me inside and pretending. Why can't I pretend? Why am I missing the skills to do as everyone else does?



Because you have the "skill" to SEE these missing things.
not everyone is lying they just can't see the darkness.
I don't understand everything you post but this, definitely.

reesah
05-16-09, 04:14 AM
I'm climbing out of a pit at the moment.

I was away for a few days because I've spent almost a week in there.

It's awful. I just want it to end.


also, I went to volunteers in medicine. They gave me busspar (sp?) and said that I should come back in two weeks, I have a date with a shrink. Like a real one. I guess when you're a sociopath they send you to the psychiatrists right off the bat.

They weren't very helpful with these feelings, and the pills aren't doing anything yet, I just started them. I don't know about this because every time I seek help or support I'm told that ASPD is the one personality disorder most doctors refuse to treat. Even people with BPD have more therapy options apparently.

We'll see, I'm trying.

Bluerose
05-16-09, 11:26 AM
Keep on trying, it's all we can do.
And keep on posting it can't hurt and it obviously helps.. a bit.
Best wishes to you.
{{{Hug}}}

reesah
05-26-09, 10:03 PM
I'm down in this hole and I dug it myself, I do it every time something good comes into my life, it never bothered me before but now that I've started trying to be more empathetic and care about people, now it hurts more than anything, getting help, improving myself, it all seems so pointless, if all it does is make things hurt more make me care about what happens,

care about people who go away, even my best efforts are no good

I feel like not trying anymore, going back to being horrid to people, not caring again, it hurt so much less then, than it does now


they gave me medications but they do nothing, they want me to come in for therapy but its just going to make me think about this whole situation more, i wish I'd never tried, these are my thoughts now, its despair, self loathing, its awful in here

I feel like I am at a breaking point, like i have very little left, no joy, nothing. I have no urge to do anything good or bad, theres nothing but hate in here, for me, for him for me not being good enough for him, for myself for making it that way, for life in general, everything seems meaningless, worthless

nothing seems to help

reesah
05-31-09, 05:22 AM
Tomorrow I talk to a woman who will be referring me to a proper shrink, after assessing me. I'm really afraid. I've been violent during earlier times in my life, I have very dark thoughts and feelings. I have a lot inside me that I feel is ugly and would be painful to bring to the surface. I'm really worried that tinkering with my brain is going to somehow destroy the little bit of equilibrium I have right now.

In the meantime the buspar has evened out my deep angers and sadnesses, it's been like a stepstool in the bottom of the pit. They gave me prozac as well, I've had terrible insomnia for the last few days because of it, it hasn't done anything else yet except kill my sleep.

I'm no longer being given any ambien because of the prozac, so I can't rely on anything to sleep but the other pills, and I really don't want to get too reliant on those, so I've been up all night sleeping all day for three days now. (My heart doc gave me temazepam to make sure I was at least able to sleep sometimes. But I was warned not to use it more than twice weekly. so...)

I hope the prozac has some effect, they told me it would take some time to work if it would help. But they also said because of my diagnosis it may not have as much of an affect as it usually would, and that it will just be a little bit of assistance.

They talked about anti-psychotics too, I guess I will find out tomorrow what happens.

They said that once my dysphoria abates and they'ce given me a doctor to continue with, then they'll address the ADD and inattentiveness.

The woman I talk to tomorrow said she was going to address my sociopathy with me too, and that her job is to find a doctor who is willing to treat this as well or at least attempt to. Since I live in a university town she said it might be a bit easier to find someone.

Ugh all this stuff scares the hel7 out of me.

I had a few sweet texts from my man friend on thursday but nothing since then...I'm still very very upset about that...about him, about messing up. I think I was being abusive to him. I think about things I said, actually I look at emails I sent or texts and am just filled with self loathing...


I am still trying. I am still climbing out of the pit. I guess tomorrow I get a hand or a leg up from someone else, hopefully. Wish me luck

EYEFORGOT
05-31-09, 08:29 AM
Best wishes and good thoughts to you reesah. Let us know how it goes. :)

stef
05-31-09, 09:26 AM
we'll be thinking of you

reesah
06-01-09, 02:24 AM
ok so now I have the number of the doctor and have to make an appointment.

I haven't heard from my fellow since friday morning.

I'm not doing too well right now.

meadd823
06-01-09, 02:37 AM
I am sorry to hear that you aren't doing very well right now but I am hoping you find some one who can help you with your ADD and sociopathy.


Emotions suck some times hence the reason to avoid them - not having empathy has it's good points but the down side is spending a life time feeling like you are on the outside looking in. Pain is part of life unfortunately, I do not think there is a way of avoiding it. Kind of the damned if you do damned if you don't scenario.

The choice we do seem to have is what type of pain we bare - that caused by caring or that caused from not caring.

Follow up with that number no procrastinating !!!! It is about time some one at least tried to offer some type of assist.

I can live with my condition easier because I have tried to fix it. Apparently age helps but I do identify with finding one self unsure of how to make the necessary changes to make things different followed by the being unsure what to do once the changes are semi-successful.

Change is better than stagnation - at least it doesn't reek as badly.

So much for my attempt at supportive encouragement , I suck at it. Some thing that hasn't changed

Good thing I am not trying to bum you out eh?

reesah
06-01-09, 03:29 AM
no way meadd it means a lot to me.

this pain right now comes from caring and it's not the type of pain I'm used to, feeling like I've known someone who was in there with me and that I don't want gone, and knowing that it's over, caring about it, is far different than my previous feelings of pain.

It's odd, new, and frightening.

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm making phone calls tomorrow in the daytime.

Retromancer
06-01-09, 03:39 AM
There is life after F.T.W. ...

Hang in there.

no way meadd it means a lot to me.

this pain right now comes from caring and it's not the type of pain I'm used to, feeling like I've known someone who was in there with me and that I don't want gone, and knowing that it's over, caring about it, is far different than my previous feelings of pain.

It's odd, new, and frightening.

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm making phone calls tomorrow in the daytime.

reesah
06-02-09, 09:46 PM
I'm trying, I'm in deep right now

cashmere
06-03-09, 06:52 PM
It starts when I'm not getting what I want. I start to feel a rising sense of frustration. This becomes panic- I must satisfy whatever it is that's driving me. If I can't?

It's a black pit. It's crushing. Life is not worth another moment and everything that I have done, the things that were worthwhile just a few days (or hours) ago, are pointless.

It is so painful, so bleak, that I will do anything, anything at all, to avoid it.

There's a black leech next to my heart, sucking it. There's a hole there. There's something wrong at my core, something missing and I know it's supposed to be there, there's supposed to be something there!

Either that or everyone, every book, every movie, every show, every person, everything in the world, everyone, is lying. They're all putting on a show of being happy, being kind. They're all like me inside and pretending. Why can't I pretend? Why am I missing the skills to do as everyone else does?

It's too much to think that they're not faking it, that their "feelings" are real, that others can be that happy and all I get is the blackness.

I can't remember a time when I had any other perception. When there was something in there. I hate people, all of them, from my hole in the ground I see them walking up there in the sunlight and I hate them, I really do- because they're not doing anything any better than I am, or being any better than me. Why do they have this thing and I can't?





/vent thanks for letting me get it out

We all have moments when life seems pointless and have difficulties understanding the meaning of it.

Thats where faith plays its part,for me anyway.

I don't want to preach the gospel so will say a little pray for you instead with the hope that positive thought will replace the negative ones.:cool:

reesah
06-06-09, 11:30 AM
been climbing up out of it, as I always do, thanks cashmere, it's good to see you here again I was wondering how you were.

I think the medications are helping, at least a little. I feel less dark, but still not light, a kind of dark dim grey, like a thick shadow.

Not as bad as it was. Which is good.

cashmere
06-07-09, 12:13 PM
been climbing up out of it, as I always do, thanks cashmere, it's good to see you here again I was wondering how you were.

I think the medications are helping, at least a little. I feel less dark, but still not light, a kind of dark dim grey, like a thick shadow.

Not as bad as it was. Which is good.

Are you sure its not the meds thats dampening your mood,these witchdoctors who prescribe them would sell there own mothers just to maintain there lavish lifestyles.:cool:

reesah
06-07-09, 02:19 PM
Are you sure its not the meds thats dampening your mood,these witchdoctors who prescribe them would sell there own mothers just to maintain there lavish lifestyles.:cool:


I was in the pit, before I started the meds. I've never been medicated before but I certainly have had glowering, ominous depressions or dysphorias my whole life. This is the first time I have tried medication and I have to say it is helping a lot more than I expected it to.

reesah
06-15-09, 11:01 PM
I have to say, I think the pills are working. I feel a lot less worried, a lot less angry, the last few days.

I'm going to see my manfriend tomorrow, too. We're still long distance, and I haven't seen him in four weeks.

He and I are talking every day now, and now that I am not freaking out and trying to control or question his every move, things are a lot easier for both of us. I think that the medication is doing what it's supposed to be doing!

I mean I got a little angry today because I was on hold for a long time with the cable company, but when I got off hold and off the phone IT PASSED.

I was a bit sad earlier today, but, IT PASSED.

I am finding it easier to control myself because the moods I'm having are not so dark. So I don't feel quite so terrified to be upset, as I usually am. It's very strange to me.

Wish me luck in the next couple days with my fella. He's very ill right now so I'm not exactly going to a party! I'm going to, I guess, nurse him. Ha! but it might solve his recent health troubles, what he's going through now, so there's light at the end of the tunnel

reesah
06-21-09, 01:33 PM
I am finding it easier to cope. I've come up out of the darkness this time with much less struggle than I am accustomed to. I've started some kind of therapy with the shrink, it's mostly me talking so far. He likes Jung. I don't know what that means but I suppose I will find out.

The pills are magical. I *****ing love them. Holy cow.

ADDMagnet
06-21-09, 03:29 PM
Reesah,
I'm glad to hear you are doing better and that the medication is helping as well. I know medication had made a huge difference for my husband, son and daughter, for their dysphoria, even though they have something different than you.
If you don't mind saying, what medications are you taking?
My family all take Prozac (80 mg.) and Tegretol on a daily basis and the anti-psychotic Haldol on an as needed basis, and in extreme emergencies, Risperdal. they take the generics for all of those meds. Except for the Risperdal, all of the other meds can be gotten through Walmart for $4 each (actually the Prozac is $8 because of the higher dose--40 mg. would only be $4). My daughter takes Buspar as well for her GAD, and the generic is $4 also. Thank goodness for $4 meds!! No insurance required either for those prices.
I hope things are going well with your fella.

ADDMagnet

reesah
06-21-09, 03:34 PM
I'm getting prozac and buspar. also ambien for night time.

I think it's the prozac that is making the difference. I started the buspar first and it really didn't do much; a month almost on the prozac and I can already tell the difference. I mean things are not perfect and I still have bad times, I still have the urges to control things or get mean, but it's way easier to resist. Also I am not in the darkness like I was and that makes everything so much easier.

My fella and I are doing ok. He's been way more close with me now, things are still not as great as they were at the start but I will give him time. I behaved pretty badly and I know it might take a while for him to feel safe with me again.

stef
06-21-09, 04:28 PM
hi there! nice to hear you're doing so much better.
similar medication has literally saved my mom's life; so happy for you...

reesah
06-21-09, 05:07 PM
yes I do feel like it has saved my life, not that I was suicidal but that my life was hellish off and on for so long. like I said things are not perfect but much easier to handle things now.

stef
06-21-09, 05:14 PM
yeah that's what i meant actually!

reesah
06-29-09, 04:02 PM
He was here with me for a few days, this week. I told him about what I was struggling with, a little. Talked to him about my diagnosis too. I haven't told him much but even just starting to tell him what's been in my mind was a relief for me. He took it all pretty well, said he hopes it gets easier for me and that he won't be letting me run his life! But that he's sticking around.

I'm going to see him again on the 4th, that should be good.

I've never told anyone I was with about these issues, the dark stuff. I told him about how when I am down I feel like drowning, and that I feel like controlling people around me keeps me afloat, but that it's never enough, that I get angry when I don't feel like I am in control of events. He said that he gets resentment and stuff too...I mean he doesn't have a PD. He has ADHD and depression...but I think he understood.

Talking to people about ASPD is harder than I thought. I'm glad he responded kindly.