View Full Version : if you slip through the net.........


lucky_turtle
04-25-09, 05:38 PM
can you trudge along un diagnosed and unrecognised and try ti make the most of it but end up with a lot of MH issues. I feel like a slight hypochondriac its just that i am recognising certain things from this forum in myself. I only last year got a diagnosis of ADD and when i did and my parents actually read up they found it was me. I am just wondering because i was a very odd child and had a very difficult time socially, i have sevgere low self essteem and have had depression and anxiety for years. I am now at the point they are looking at a dx of borderline personality for me, but i dont feel i fit it all, i feel that my thinking and reactons come from how i just learnt to get by. ill try to explain.

i was a very odd child. as far as i know i had no speech delays or stuff like that, only that my mom had a very long labour, like it was days. I was a very quiet child and in school did not make freinds easily. I did not do well in school and had a lot of problems, i could not remember anything, focus or follow and spent most of my time day dreaming and rarley spoke. I could not interact very well and did not know how to hold a conversation, i just did not know what to say or how to follow the flow, it did not come naturally just and i remember trying to gage what to say and read off other people, i still at times when i find it hard will mirror the other persons tone despite i have no interest in what theyre saying. I was very bad at initiating a conversation, i remember to make freinds i spent a good hour once walking past a group of kids to get one of them to speak to me-but i would not speak to them but i still wanted to be freinds.

I did not make freinds, i had one just. i was bullied a lot for just being weird but at the start i did not pick up on why they thought i was strange. I liked to have freinds and would call for them to come out and play but i also loved to play alone. I played my own little games for hours with figures and all, but did not play outloud or speak when i played, i did it all in my head. I was a massive daydreamer and didnt speak much in school.

I was very over reactive and became easily upset and hysterical, when i got stuff wrong in school i freaked out and went hysterical. I also was nervous of other things like play areas etc , i actually had an over acrtive imagination and had a hard time telling what was real and what was not.

At home i was a nightmare, i have always had a quick temper and will throw rages. I used to throw furniture, hit and kick and id kick the walls and windows of the car, in shops in clung to things screaming and was a total nightmare, id also hit my little sister for no reason out of frustration. i had a lot of tics and still do, i blink still but i had vocal tics and motor tics.

One thing is my obbsessions. I was obbsessed with certain types of food and would eat it for all 3 meals a day-like crackers for example. I went thru many phases, i could not have certain food touching each other and i gag on certain textures, i couldnt eat with other kids as the noise and sound of eating made me wretch. i would not eat off other peoples cutlery or share a water bottle. I would watch a video over and over again, even in my teens i watched the same episode of a tv show 14 times in a row, i gathered obbsessions and would do nothing else or id start playing with a ball and kick it off a wall for hours on end constantly. i also went on swings for hours on end-its just would most other kids not be bored? I became a bit compulsive with touching things and checkng the light before i went to sleep, i also developed a prayer to say each night were i had to list everyone and everything i could think of in an order and then backwards or else i thought everyone would die. I was also sensitive to certain clothing and went mental as it was itchy.I went through many bad times and was very anti social, i wouldnt ask anyone anything in school or a shop and i didnt speak much i just waved to them even when they were right in front of me.

these days i have depression and stuff. I have dragged myself through and have gotten better socially a lot, the thing is underneath i feel like a fake, i only just manage and i freuquently make mistakes. i find myself interupting others and not knowing when a conversation has finished, i cant gage it and usually count to 3. i sometimes am not aware i am asking annoying questions or boring someone and i dont notice the tone i use at times or if people get annoyed at me for something, so i have found myself assuming i annoy most people now and feel crap, so i get even more depressed. I have had one boyfreind but i have issues that i cant feel intimacy, i have no desire and do not like to be touched or i feel angry. I find it difficult to initiate anything in a relationship and have no awarness that i should compliment the person or anything, i back away from the physical contact and i get very angry in sharing a bed with someone. I also like my own space, i can be sociable but often find i dont want to be. My freinds go out and i relish a night alone in the house, i hate clubs as the noise feels like it is very siuffocating to me, my brain seems to slow in crowds yet i dont feel anxious i just get grumpy and irritable.

I still spent hours fixated on my obbsessions and i do nothing else which gets in the way of college. I can come across as normal and just a tad eccentric these days but it is killing my esteem underneath. i am known as slightly weird and sometimes with certain people conversations are a task to get someone to understand me. With freinds im comfortable with they are accustomed to my abbruptness and i often am complelled or else just blurt out embarressing personal things or just say something clumsy. I am very particular about anyone interupting what im doing, i withdraw at times with my little obbsessions and do not like to be interrupted, i hate anyone changing plans and i am nervous if someone is late and angry if theyre early. i use a lot of pictorial metaphors for how i feel because i cant quite connect the actual words to how i feel but i see my feelings in pictures in my head more.

this may have nothing to do with aspergers or autism whatsoever i just wanted your opinions with some of the traits. i have 2 autistic cousins. since its suggested ad/hd can have overlapping symtoms of autism and aspergers could this just be it? any advice or thoughts. god i feel like a hypochondriac, it is just i do a lot of therapy and am finding i need to go back and undertsnad a lot of the problems i had in order to get better today. i just cant help feel something was/is just too odd about me sometimes and if there is something deeper id rather sort it now than wait another decade or two again and if its nothing i can move on with everything else.

xxx

Sine
04-26-09, 12:52 PM
Hi there! That was a big post, but I read it all, and can recognize a lot of those things in myself. First of all, yes, it's been suggested that AD/HD is on the autism spectrum, and it can shift its expression between family members. My dad has Asperger's, and I have ADHD-Inattentive with a couple of overlapping Aspie traits. You should definitely see some professionals for a diagnosis, but from my understanding, it sounds like Asperger's.

It's funny you brought up the "cracker diet" - I used to have very restricted eating habits, and I still do, to a degree. As long as you stay healthy, I view this as a positive. I love "plain" things (no sauces, no add-ons), and one of my favorite foods are saltine crackers. I don't know if you have these in the UK, but they're very plain white crackers with some salt on top. I think they taste fantastic, and I don't know of too many people who can get so much enjoyment out of something so simple.

I can relate to a lot of your social situations - I can make friends ok, but I can never take the first step. Unless they engage with me first, the relationship will never happen. I've tried being more "social", but it just feels forced and even more akward. I don't like crowds or clubs either, and parties really stress me out because there are so many people I don't know. Right now, I don't have many friends and just focus on school. I'm really depressed, thinking about all the people I've met but pushed away, and how much more connected my life could be.

Hang in there, and keep posting. :)