This is questions for the partners of those with AD/HD:

What is it that just drives you crazy about your partner?

Ok, I'll take a stab at this one....:D

It is when he forgets things that are IMPORTANT that I have conveyed to him as IMPORTANT. The statement "you never told me that" just about makes me wanna go ballistic, this has softened over the years as I have come to expect it.

The worst part of this is that I have bought him planners to use - to make to do lists, keep important numbers and dates and such like, and he either misplaces them or refuses to use them.

It is very very very frustrating when someone who has an acknowledged and even medicated issue refuses to use the obvious tools that would ameliorate the problem.

Would you not use crutches if you had a broken leg? Just outta pure stubborness?

<steps down off the soap box> :D

i have both a boss and a SO with ADD

what drives me crazy is (as the last poster said) reminding the person about an event several times and then being told they never got that information

not remembering really basic facts of business, like how to do basic things, like not letting things go that need to be kept track of just because a person can't figure them out at this moment.

another thing is that these people start a project, get bored, then want to pick it up again months later, and we end up covering the same ground we already did before, and wasting time. To them (from what I can tell) it seems like the first time we've covered this ground.

"I need an island."

This is a loaded question, I am surprised this thread hasn't run out of room with the answers...
What DOESN't drive me crazy living with an ADD man for 32 years (altho only aware it was ADD for 4 months.) ?
How about the lies, the excuses?, the covering up?
How about making the same mistakes a million times (like bouncing checks, not paying bills?)
How about the non-stop talking about ME {him}?
How about the interrupting?
How about the inability to understand what needs to get done or serious consequences arise (like file taxes, pay mortgage on time ?)
I understand there is a chemical brain thing going on, but it doesn't make it easier for the spouse who has to pick up all the pieces (constantly).

I know it's been a while since this thread started but I just joined the forums today.

The biggest one for me is being asked:

"What's the big deal" everytime I point something out to my husband about something he forgot or the fact that I have to remind him about something yet again. I know I have to learn to control my attitude toward him when he upsets me with something ADD-related but it is so hard to do.

I feel like a wife who has been supporting her husband while in medical school for ten years - but he is a perpetual student!!

My husband does not seem to have an issue with compulsive shopping simply because I have had to take care of the finances since we got married. To this day he denies the fact that he is lousy with money management saying that if I'd LET him take care of it, he'd do a fine job. Ironically, I have suggested he take over on numerous occasions but because I have everything set up in the computer using Microsoft Money, he says he doesn't like my way and would prefer to do it manually. I've said fine, go ahead. Nothing yet.

So my next thing that drives me crazy are the excuses for his not doing. He's too busy, he has no time, he can't do it all, I'm too demanding, etc., etc., etc.

And my number three is the lack of intimate conversation. Again, I have pointed that out and he tells me that is not true that we've had tons of good conversations. I threatened to give him a 100-question multiple choice test on my life before our marriage (and since) to see how much he knew about me - he didn't like that one.

I know I shouldn't be provoking but I am with a husband who although has been "officially" diagnosed with ADD three weeks ago, is still in denial about what that means. When I try to explain some of the behaviours, he says he doesn't do that or that everyone is like that. When I point out his outbursts, he says he does so because I am pushing his buttons.

It drives me crazy that he can't take action and read up on ADD and reach out to people who can help him.

There's so much more. The basement (29' x 40') full of his stuff that he simply will not get rid of. Not remembering where the orange peeler goes but can rattle off who won the world series in the last fifty years and the stats of each of the players for each team.

I know I am the wrong person to be married to a man with ADD.

Elizabeth

Wow -- they actually let him drag out medical school through 10 years?? I didn't know that was possible...I mean my friend went though law school...he has ADD....and he said he HAD to do it in 4...the regular time...he said they wouldn't allow him to drag it out even if he wanted to...I THINK that's what he said anyway....maybe that's what his admissions contigency was based on....4 years.....due to it being Ivy League...but never never heard of medical school being dragged out that long. Does your husband really want to BE a physician? or just STUDY medicine. Big difference Elizabeth...The field is interesting...yes but dealing with patients and insurance and managed care and red tape and etc etc etc is whole other story....

I can certainly understand your feeling resentment at being the sole bread winner....when in the beginning you thought you would be "doctor's wife"....right?

and he's self-centered? doesn't know much about you? I can imagine that must feel lonely....so have you and he been to any type of counselling...together or apart? As they say ELizabeth, you can't change HIM..but you sure can change how you respond to the situation....and him....by getting counselling for yourself....

Is there a wrong type of person to be married to someone with ADD? That's interesting....maybe not.....maybe some boundary setting, counselling would help....so that you can feel like an equal partner with him....not like "someone who is married to a man who has ADD"....right now it may feel like that it all who he is..."a man who has ADD"....hopefully wiht some help...you can see he is much more than his ADD.....

You misunderstood my analogy.

Usually when someone goes through medical school and is married, the other partner is the one keeping up with the household, finances and pretty well everything else in their lives. The partner taking care of their lives does so to support the other while he/she is studying.

I feel like I have been supporting my husband for the last ten years while he has struggled with his ADD. I have taken care of every aspect of our lives for the last ten years because of his inability to plan, take action or contribute to our life together as a family. My husband did not go to medical school. It was simply a comparison.

I see him as much more than a man with ADD. This is an ADD-related forum so I will only point out the issues that are related to ADD.

Yes we have been to couselling together and separately. It was marriage counselling with a therapist who knows nothing about ADD. My husband had not been diagnosed with ADD at the time. I know that I can't change him and that I can only change my reaction to him. It is something I work on everyday. It doesn't change the fact that he has remained who he is but I have had to change who I am.

Elizabeth.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by joanrdtobe
[B]Wow -- they actually let him drag out medical school through 10 years??

Right...and while he does not change, the changing of who WHO are is tough....well there are two options...accept things as they are...and continue to grow and change yourself.....because apparently he does not want to help himself...OR....take some action...what IS he willing to do? anything? like perhaps now that he has been diagnosed since he is unwilling to get treatment, is he at least willing to go back to therapy with you? a therapist who has knowledge of ADD....and she can help set some guidelines in your marriage....is he willing to accmpany you to a support group? THere are many...and are given here on threads....INcidentally his diagnosis is only 3 weeks old, not a long time....he may come around...now that he knows exactly whats wrong with him...he may come to understand some of these symptoms of his that yoiu describe as well....treatable....instead of everyoen is like that.....

And the thing is with wives of med students is that those wives jobs of putting their husbands' through college ends at some point. Yours sounds almost for the longrun. You can put an end to it. DO you want to? If, so what would your life look like, for YOU, if you were to put an end of caring for every detaill in your hosuehold? That might be the first question to ask yourself. If your husband did get his act togehter, what exactly would the picgture look like?

This thread is called "What drives you (as a spouse of an ADD person) crazy?

I am posting in response to this thread. It is not about what I can do or what he can do or what I should do or what he should do.

It is what drives you crazy? and I am venting these frustrations. No more no less.

Elizabeth

P.S. It was suggested to him by a friend four years ago that he may have ADD. I reinforced this suggestion with tapes and books which he did not read or listen to. At my insistence (and ultimatum) he went to see his family doctor two years ago who refered him to a therapist. That was 15 months ago. He has been on meds since then but the therapist thought he was borderline ADD and never "officially" diagnosed him with ADD until three weeks. Yet he has been seeing the doctor every two months for the last 15 months and has been taking the meds. He goes in for a five minute appointment, is asked how things are going and then receives a prescription. He never questions the doctor or asks for support.

Originally posted by joanrdtobe
Right...and while he does not change,...

Oops sorry....you're right......keep venting as you wish....:) I will say in few words as possible regarding p.s.: perhaps his meds not working. go to doctor appontment with him and tell doctor yourself? tell him to keep seeing therapist, meanwhile. okay not another word from me.

P.S. I've never been married so a husband never had to put up with me and my ADD stuff. BUT my family had to put up with me in a similar way you are putting up with your husband. And it took them way too long to insist I get my act together. I hope you don't wait too long. Enough said. I'm offically OFF this thread:) Good luck to you Elizabeth. You sound like a really nice, warm compassionate person.

I used to be.

Originally posted by joanrdtobe
You sound like a really nice, warm compassionate person.

This won't justify anything but it helped me to understand ADD

From the ADD husband of a wife who has put up with all my crap




What It Is Like To Have ADD (http://www.acbr.com/fas/adhdlike.htm )