View Full Version : Completely petrified
Well, I was gonna write this yesterday, but I forgot when i got home from the bar. LOL.
Anyway, I went to hang out with a buddy of mine tonight and after a while he told me he wasn't doing anything so I left. then I decided that i would go out for a change. See how many ladies I could scare. figured I have never gone out by myself. Well, now I know why.
I went to an arcade/bar and sat at the bar by myself. I strategically positioned myself across the bar from 3 relatively attractive women (one was HOT, the other was attractive and the third was not my cup of tea). Anyway, I figured I could just sit there and maybe catch some eye contact and who knows, maybe get a booost in the old self-confidence. I sat there for about an hour or so and everytime I would catch eye contact with the middle woman, I would look away instantly. I didn't even have the cajones to wave or smile, or anything. I took it pretty hard too that i didn't get so much as a smile.
I guess at this point in my relationship with my wife (another thread for another time), I am finding a need to know that I am at least a little attractive. Sounds dumb as it is not something that you expect to hear from a man, but it is true.
What if I "never" find anyone else? I know that is not gonna happen, but like most ADD'ers, I need instant gratification. I can't wait for anything--especially when I feel I need "it" for my own self-confidence.
Ok, that is more than most want to know, but oh well.
04-18-04, 09:42 AM
Oh man, I'm so sorry.... It's not dumb for a guy to want to be looked at as attractive !
I'm sure you're having more of a hard time with this because of your separation. A wise person once told me this...the harder your looking the less liking you are to find someone. Find your self first is my advice.
04-18-04, 09:47 AM
I am the same way if I go out with the intention of meeting someone. I can't even make eye contact if I am interested.
When I am not looking or preoccupied, then I am approached a lot.
Why does that sound dumb? I stayed on the ship for three straight months when my ex and I separated. In port no less. Heh... My friend cliff, a big giant Italian guy who could probably break legs for the mob for extra cash if he wanted to, basically showed up one day and said, "we are going out, or else". He threatened to carry me off, HA HA HA HA!
I was a pretty bitter drunk for a while, but when I finally did get over the hurt enough to start feeling lonely, I was in the same boat man. When I was bitter and angry, Cliff loved having me around because I got him all kinds of dates because I'll talk to anyone, about anything. No lines, no bull****, just talk. Bitter or not, I actually enjoyed the campanionship of folks that smelled nice and laughed musically. I just wouldn't dance slow with 'em, go out with 'em, exchange phone numbers, and I certainly wasn't going home with any of 'em! HELL NO!!!!! I still hadn't found all my internal organs yet from the gutting I'd just gotten. Cliff was happy though because he couldn't break the ice. Once the ice was broken he could over come his shyness (giant italian guy, afraid of girls.... HA HA HA HA HA HA! Just kidding. I had social anxiety for a long time. No one likes rejection Just the idea of Cliff being afraid of anything is mildly amusing). Eventually though I started thawing out and becoming lonely. The nice smelling companions with the musical laughter became harder to think of as "no threat because what do I care what they think of me" I DID care what they thought. I was able to maintain my facade up to a point and Cliff transferred. Which was sad because he was like my only friend left at the time that I knew well. Just as well in a way though. I'm not sure he would have understood the logic of the "word man" retiring because he was suddenly too afraid to even make eye contact, let alone "talk to anyone" anymore. I was eventually able to conquer that fear again, but it takes time buddy.
You are simply you. You can't change that. They either like you or they don't, but you certainly owe no apologies for it, and if they are the sort to be nasty about it then no worries because they are ugly in ways that their opinion of you ,no matter how low could ever sink to.
Don't take it so hard, man. There could be a million reasons you didn't get a smile out of those women -- a million reasons that have nothing to do with you! I think this kind of social anxiety is very common. If you feel under pressure to make a connection with someone, and have a strong need for a little outside approval, your brain just screws it all up for you by making you too nervous to make a move. ;) The bar scene is rough for people who are feeling emotionally vulnerable, as I'm sure you are. I'm not saying you shouldn't go out, but maybe you just put too much pressure on yourself by sitting at the bar alone to look for ladies.
Ancient female secret: we are usually leery of guys sitting alone at the bar, because many times they are "operators" just looking for action. We don't want to cozy up to that guy and then find him back there next week hitting on someone else. That's rough on the ego.
I'd say it is time to start going out socially, but with friends who won't pressure you. Try to make having fun your goal. You've got a lot of healing to do, and you need to treat yourself gently for awhile. The girls will start smiling eventually. ;)
I agree with everyone else here Ken. I am sorry about your weekend. I have been there and done that. I am not a great looking guy to begin with so attracting someone was hard for met to begin with. I never had any luck on the bar scene. I would go by myself thinking tonight I would meet someone. I never did. I met women in social situations with other friends. Like was said earlier the reason the women did not smile back may have nothing to do with you.
I think you are being to hard on yourself. You are just getting up on the horse again so to speak. Give yourself time. I would try to get involved in something you like to do a lot. Chances are you may find someone whe has the same interest. Then you have stuff in common you can talk about..
I have been in your shoes and I know how lonely it can feel. I had a 4 year drout after my engagement ended. I know it is hard to wait but things will get better! Be patient as you can.
Just a thought...but do you have the bandwidth to get a part time job working at a bar? Maybe one night a week? The fact that you work there really does help to break the ice, and gives you a reason to be there "alone".
I have thought about working at a bar. Of course when I think about it and trying to remember who got what and what ingredients are in what drink, I tend to "scare myself off". I should do something as my summer break is coming up. I have to do a PT clinical for 6 weeks, so maybe I will "meet" a few people that way (fellow workers, not patients, that would be unethical).
Thanks all, I was wondering about the whole "guy at the bar sitting by himself--is he a mass murderer or what" thing. Of course that just added to my anxiety. lol.
04-20-04, 12:22 AM
Speaking as a "middle girl" I could also offer you a possible scenario of what happened. The middle girl assumed you were trying/making eye contact with the "hot" girl. When girls go out in thier usual bunches (and when don't they) there is an unspoken "pecking order". I do not know if there is an analogous mechanism among groups of guys. Perhaps some male could advise.
The two girls who were with the hot girl (and there can only ever be one hot girl) were hoping to catch her overflow. You being there without your buddies kind of messes up the odds. Know this, if she kept on catching your gaze and holding it for a second, she was interested. She didn't roll her eyes, or make any other gesture which would indicate her discomfort, did she? She was most likely precluded from making further advances by the alpha-girl. It's just the natural order, IMHO.
Good insight, Flakey. I was always the "middle girl" in college, thanks to my overly-hot roommate. :rolleyes:
04-20-04, 10:16 AM
I personally think an intelligent, attractive fellow like you should not be limited to the bar scene.
I have never made a boyfriend in a bar, or anything more than a one night stand. That I remember. I like to go there with friends or a date for a nightcap or dance.
The influence of alcholhol, to me all those men are a potential alchololics.
The great thing is dancing, that is a great reason to approach a person. I recommend Bars with dancing, if you too self concious to cut loose on the dance floor, pick a slow dance.
I went dancing last week and forgot my inhibitions for awhile felt great!