purplecat
04-22-04, 03:33 AM
Hello to all,
I'm brand new to this forum (or to any forum to be exact)… so please bear with me as I try to explain my story. I read Elizabeth's post about "the other side of the coin" and the similarities were striking on some issues – which inspired me to share my story.
Where do I begin? We've been married for 14 years now. I could write all night and all day about us but I'll try to condense it down for you.
I was first attracted to him because of his "wildness" and adventurous, fun loving personality. Things were great for a while… but then I too noticed the peculiarities happening, like the short temper, impatience, insecurity. I blamed these on his having to work 3rd shift and hating it. I did give him an ultimatum and a he did get a day job shortly thereafter… but it seemed a large portion of the personality issues remained. He is extreeeeemly disorganized which drives me crazy, and he loves to debate and argue and interrogate me to tears. It's good one day, maybe even 2, and explosive the next. He comes home from work and immediately turns on Fox News. It's Fox for the next 5 hours, even at the dinner table. I made the mistake of making fun of his obsession once and he went into a tirade. He is obsessed with national news and with politics, and pushes his party preferences on everyone. He's brought his own mother to tears recently because she votes democratic. While we're forced to watch the news while eating, he tells our son that democrats are basically stupid. He'll say things like, "See that man? He's a N****er. N****ers are (derogatory remark here)." So now our kids will see african americans and assume they are all bad. See what I have to fix?
Our major fights are about sex and raising our children. The sex he wants frequently; I don't. I haven't wanted it much for a long time. I would be happy about 2x month– but I never used to be that way– I know the reason is him deep down. He accuses me of not desiring him anymore…I probably don't. My love for him has died down to almost nothing. Many times I'm just too tired from emotional stress. He's called me every name in the book.
He explodes at our 6 yr old daughter because she won't clean her plate. I believe that children will eat when they are hungry and we shouldn't expect them to clean their plate every meal. She woke up the other morning and complained about not feeling up to par; she wasn't sick, just not hungry. He took one of those little v8 cans and slammed it down in front of her as hard as he could, while screaming in her face. v8 juice went everywhere and she couldn't eat anyhow from bawling. He then attempted to jerk her out of the seat, and that's when I told him not to touch her. He blamed his explosion on me because I didn't support him – so he had to behave like that. In other words, he says he's going to react that way every time but it's up to me to make sure it doesn't happen. Is this normal? Do all husbands explode like that? I don't know what is normal and what crosses over the line anymore.
There is a soft side of him, don't get me wrong. 40% of the time he's a loving, caring husband and father. He makes the effort to spend time with the kids and they do mostly enjoy being with him.
He co-owns a business which does quite well, but a lot of the money is sunk back into the business. He complains about not having money. He also feels like every single weekend he has to stay home and 'get projects done' all the time. He's always so overwhelmed it seems and I better not bring up anything that needs done. Ever since we've been married, he's been overwhelmed with life. Even when we didn't have kids he never wanted to do much extracurricular things. His idea of a vacation is us going to Canada to fish all day every day, while I clean the cabin and cook, because if it's away from home, it better be productive. I informed him we weren't going back for a long time. If I want a "real" vacation, I have to do all the planning. Then he complains of how much money we spent. Nothing I do is ever right; from hanging clothes out to dry to raising children. I have to break down in tears before he ever lends a sympathetic ear to my pleas.
I've thought about leaving him. I actually did during the 3rd shift phase but I ran back to him after a week. I can't talk to anyone I know about this, because on all outside appearances, he's charming, generous, witty, and all around likeable guy. He has an important role in our church.
I find myself looking forward to when he leaves on business about 1-2x month - (like tonight!) - when I can have "me" time stress-free.
So what is this? Is it ADD or just mental abuse? I don't know. I suggested he see a doctor - that he may have ADD or ADHD - but of course he's in denial. I've watched my own personality change over the course of time also - I've become this stressed out person that sometimes I don't like very well.
Thank you for listening and for caring.
- Doni
I'm brand new to this forum (or to any forum to be exact)… so please bear with me as I try to explain my story. I read Elizabeth's post about "the other side of the coin" and the similarities were striking on some issues – which inspired me to share my story.
Where do I begin? We've been married for 14 years now. I could write all night and all day about us but I'll try to condense it down for you.
I was first attracted to him because of his "wildness" and adventurous, fun loving personality. Things were great for a while… but then I too noticed the peculiarities happening, like the short temper, impatience, insecurity. I blamed these on his having to work 3rd shift and hating it. I did give him an ultimatum and a he did get a day job shortly thereafter… but it seemed a large portion of the personality issues remained. He is extreeeeemly disorganized which drives me crazy, and he loves to debate and argue and interrogate me to tears. It's good one day, maybe even 2, and explosive the next. He comes home from work and immediately turns on Fox News. It's Fox for the next 5 hours, even at the dinner table. I made the mistake of making fun of his obsession once and he went into a tirade. He is obsessed with national news and with politics, and pushes his party preferences on everyone. He's brought his own mother to tears recently because she votes democratic. While we're forced to watch the news while eating, he tells our son that democrats are basically stupid. He'll say things like, "See that man? He's a N****er. N****ers are (derogatory remark here)." So now our kids will see african americans and assume they are all bad. See what I have to fix?
Our major fights are about sex and raising our children. The sex he wants frequently; I don't. I haven't wanted it much for a long time. I would be happy about 2x month– but I never used to be that way– I know the reason is him deep down. He accuses me of not desiring him anymore…I probably don't. My love for him has died down to almost nothing. Many times I'm just too tired from emotional stress. He's called me every name in the book.
He explodes at our 6 yr old daughter because she won't clean her plate. I believe that children will eat when they are hungry and we shouldn't expect them to clean their plate every meal. She woke up the other morning and complained about not feeling up to par; she wasn't sick, just not hungry. He took one of those little v8 cans and slammed it down in front of her as hard as he could, while screaming in her face. v8 juice went everywhere and she couldn't eat anyhow from bawling. He then attempted to jerk her out of the seat, and that's when I told him not to touch her. He blamed his explosion on me because I didn't support him – so he had to behave like that. In other words, he says he's going to react that way every time but it's up to me to make sure it doesn't happen. Is this normal? Do all husbands explode like that? I don't know what is normal and what crosses over the line anymore.
There is a soft side of him, don't get me wrong. 40% of the time he's a loving, caring husband and father. He makes the effort to spend time with the kids and they do mostly enjoy being with him.
He co-owns a business which does quite well, but a lot of the money is sunk back into the business. He complains about not having money. He also feels like every single weekend he has to stay home and 'get projects done' all the time. He's always so overwhelmed it seems and I better not bring up anything that needs done. Ever since we've been married, he's been overwhelmed with life. Even when we didn't have kids he never wanted to do much extracurricular things. His idea of a vacation is us going to Canada to fish all day every day, while I clean the cabin and cook, because if it's away from home, it better be productive. I informed him we weren't going back for a long time. If I want a "real" vacation, I have to do all the planning. Then he complains of how much money we spent. Nothing I do is ever right; from hanging clothes out to dry to raising children. I have to break down in tears before he ever lends a sympathetic ear to my pleas.
I've thought about leaving him. I actually did during the 3rd shift phase but I ran back to him after a week. I can't talk to anyone I know about this, because on all outside appearances, he's charming, generous, witty, and all around likeable guy. He has an important role in our church.
I find myself looking forward to when he leaves on business about 1-2x month - (like tonight!) - when I can have "me" time stress-free.
So what is this? Is it ADD or just mental abuse? I don't know. I suggested he see a doctor - that he may have ADD or ADHD - but of course he's in denial. I've watched my own personality change over the course of time also - I've become this stressed out person that sometimes I don't like very well.
Thank you for listening and for caring.
- Doni