Hi everybody,

All my life I've had difficulty reading, not with the actual reading but with the focus and retention. It's not always the case, but most of the time i can't get through whatever I'm reading: I jump around, space out, or just put the book away. When I am able to focus, I think my memory is quite good. And it's not that I'm uninterested in what I'm reading either, though I often say I am as a self-justifying excuse. Ironically, I've somehow managed to make it through university, complete an MA and then embarked on a Ph.D. at a top university (I mention that only because the pressure of the school's name and prestige has made me feel even worse), and that's where I am today --- many years after starting, unable to complete it, and feeling that I'm losing it because of my inability to focus, think clearly and just function the way I think I should and could be functioning. My self-esteem is at all-time low and I have become socially withdrawn because of being so self-conscious.

For the past 5-6 years I've be going to therapy intermittently and several times I've been prescribed antidepressants even though I don't really feel 'depressed'. I've never continued with the pills because I didn't feel they helped and also didn't like the side-effects. In fact, that's a big problem: I feel okay and wake up each morning feeling positive about life, but then I am continuously frustrated by my inability to focus and get anything done. I frequently feel mentally muddled. The one thing that has come out of therapy is that I"ve started revisiting my childhood and am discovering that I've had difficulty in school all my life -- not that I failed completely, but I always struggled with reading, retention, exams and just overall focus. My teachers felt that I could/should be doing much better, but that of course didn't help me much. And it was never that I wasn't interested either; I was simply unable to pursue things because it required so much effort. The only saving grace, and the reason I was even able to get this far in the academic world, is that I had one subject that I was passionate about and I was able to overcome my difficulties with sheer perseverance and repetition.

So here I am, stuck in PH.D. hell, unable to move forward, unable to take steps to get a job (I've become socially isolated because of feeling inadequate about not being be able finish this project), unable to support myself properly except for some freelance jobs (my partner is supporting me) and feeling pretty useless. Above all, I think there's something seriously wrong with me and I want to know what it is.

I've been reading about ADD and everything fits what is described as the inattentive type: everything. I've made an appointment with my GP, but I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling in a way that doesn't make me sound like I'm just one more Ph.D. student who didn't cut it. I feel there is something more, but after years of struggle, it's hard to separate the various symptoms. It's also hard to explain how I somehow managed to survive in the academic world when I have such difficulty reading books. I feel ashamed and sheepish, if that makes sense?

Any advice for how to move forward? Or just a comment...I'd really need some help sorting through all this.

Thanks!

Hi Peter

You need to get a referral to a good psychiatrist. They should be able to see in a few minutes whether you are ADD or not. There's a certain 'way' that we are that is so obvious if you know what to look for. Being an academic shouldn't make any difference. I got through uni with no medication and not understanding anything I read - god knows how!

The trick is here to pick the right psychiatrist which you'll need advice from other people in the UK or an ADD associationin your area.

Either that or go down to they psychology department within the uni and discuss the issue with the other students.

Hope this helps.

Thanks. I think that's what I worry about: getting a good psychiatrist who is familiar with Adult ADD. From reading online, I'm getting the impression that it can be extremely difficult to find somebody like that under the NHS. I'll start out with my general practitioner this week to see if she knows of someone competent. If not, I'm going to try to find a local ADD support group and see if I can get some good leads from them.


I'm now in my late 30s and was 'supposed' to, whatever that means, have finished this a long time ago. I've struggled for years and things have just lingered on without any real progress. It's immensely frustrating to feel that I don't have control over my abilities. It's not something I can explain to unsympathetic faculty who see me as a lazy failure.

Thanks again,

Peter

Peter-

I can relate to a lot of what you've said- high functioning, in a graduate program, and completely unable to keep up but unsure why. I ended up dropping out as well, and now I'm fighting an uphill financial battle to get back into school and back on track. Fortunately for you, it looks like you're seeking answers before completely burning out- I wish I had done the same.

You're going to be potentially facing a lot of problems due to your high achievement- the mere mention of the fact I had gone to Stanford, for example, got me laughed out of several offices- until I finally found a Center that dealt with gifted adults and LD/ADHD issues. That was the saving grace.

So look into Centers or doctors in your area who specialize in working with LD/ADHD issues among the gifted. We don't present the same way most people do on neuropsychological tests.

I will point out that your post didn't mention anything other than reading. While having problems focusing very much qualifies as ADHD-I in the DSM (not that you're in the US, but most UK docs who work on ADHD use the DSM), there are many things that can cause those problems that aren't ADHD. A full neuropsych eval would probably be in your best interest. When an adult male presents only inattention and no hyperactivity/impulsivity, that's sort of a red flag as to an alternate diagnosis. Auditory Processing Disorder seems like a likely possibility, for example. Possibly a visual processing disorder. It's important to figure it out because it will affect treatment response.

Best of luck with everything!

Jesse

for me it came to light when i finished school that something wasnt right. Every job i took ended in me being reassigned or asked to leave due to the problems I had with executive function disorder..Couldnt handle the routine peace of cake paperwork of everyday office work,,While in the office trying to handle these issues i was constantly trying to find some way to avoid doing what I knew I needed to do!!
Creative ideas yes had those..and was well liked as a person but couldnt function in the day to day of it all...How do I get started? where do i start how do I know when im finished... So very frustrating and non sensical.
Give me an important assignment and a killer dead line and im there!!
Balance a check book? Find my keys? Feel like i fit in? Enjoy life? Nope not me//
it happens to smart people too., good luck in getting diagnosed and getting it done soon so you can stand a chance of completing your life goals..
katts

So I met with my GP yesterday and she agreed to refer me to a neuropsychologist for an evaluation. She was very open-minded and nice about it all-- after reading online about attitudes toward ADHD among NHS doctors in the UK, I was fearing my concerns would be dismissed completely.

To me, the main goal right now is to be assessed so that, if I do have ADD, I can take pro-active steps to do something about it. If I don't, then at least I know that I need to look elsewhere for answers.

Thanks for the input and advice! I'll write more once I've seen the new doctor.

cheers!

Peter