View Full Version : Add/depression/ocd/anxiety


Anie
07-07-09, 03:55 PM
...Lonely/worried/bitter/paranoid(??)/unorganized/low-self esteem/unproductive/perfectionist/so sick of this never-ending cycle!!!...I've felt this way my whole life!!!...I used to think these symptoms were soley from unfortunate incidents that occu4rred (malestation occurances, physical and emotiona abuse...I have a hard time typing the word 'abuse'...but it was abuse!...Just not that day after day kind you see on Lifetime channel. Threats, pushing/shoving, and fear invoking!!!...Some smacks that could have been called punches!!...This is 10 and 15 years ago...most days I think I'm over it and I have forgiven...but when I think about it (like I'm doing now) it brings up so much pain and anger!!!...I never talked to anyone about it! Tried talking to my Mom, but she can't handle it seems like she'll go crazy so I can't talk to her...try talking to my siblings...but I feel like they sometimes resent me and it hurtsto be open and vulnerable to to people who judge me!!! I feel so alone!!!.... ... ... ....

In my early twenties (about 10 years ago) is when I started wondering if I had ADD. After hearing people talk about their kids with it, I started thinking yeah, I probably have that...but what I didn't realize was how much it had affected my life!!!!...

I can remember way back to being a toddler and talking to myself a lot...in grade school I had a very hard time paying attention and listening, focusing, taking directions! I was always embarrassed by it! I was never diagnosed with it (as most girls weren't at the time). I had a hard time with friends entering middle school...To make a long story short...I went through the most stressful, emotional, just plain horrible time of my life...Lost all of my friends! As hard as it was though, I should point out that iwas a bit of a blessing...all these "friends" started smoking pot, drinking, transfering to alternative schools, etc. I'm thankful that God pulled me away from them! But it was hell! The worst most embarrassing rumors you can think of started circulating around the school about me!...Threats to be me up!...prank phone calls! Too much for me to handle...but I did. My sophmore year approached and my parents decided I should try a small Christian school...I was nervous but hopeful and looking forward to it. But the one eyar I attended there turned out to be miserable! Same clicks...only smaller. I met a few friends which is always nice, however, I went into that new experience with much baggage and emotional distress...here's something embarrassing...this is the first memorable example of OCD...I was completely OCD for my English teacher...by then, I was so depressed from stress at home and stress of ADD which I was unaware of at the time...that I was desperately searching for something...I was a 15 year old girl and all I could think about was this young teacher!...and as if I didn't already have enough problems...that big secret got out and I was teased for it! Humiliating! Did I mention my grades...well they were always a bit of everything...maybe an A or 2 if I was really focused...Mostly C's, some D's and F's! You would think going to a small private school would help that, but I didn't do any better...so my parents switched me back to public for Junior and Senior year...and those years...I would describe myself as very pleasant and friendly, but at the same time introvert and loner!! I couldn't wait for it to be over! Not only did I have problems paying attention, more specifically absorbing information (sidenote: The best way I can describe that is it seems I can only take in a couple ideas at once...so if I was reading something advanced...I couldn't seem to retrieve it!)... but getting back to my other point...I have always had a hard time getting anywhere on time...I've lost several jobs because of it...had to take summer school because of it! It was a miracle I graduated H.S.!!!

So I think I am such a combination of problems...ADD, problems in the family growing up...in my self-diagnosis I believe these are causing my depression, social anxiety, low-self-esteem! I believe my OCD is a cause of itself!

Fast forward 12 years since H.S. Graduation, I'm married, have two beautiful children, another one on the way!...My relationship with my hubby is this...I love him! He's very easy going most of the time so he puts up with a lot!! And he's a great listener! I feel that he saved me from a lot! We argue a lot through! And I feel that we're not as close as I would like on an emotional level! Basically, think he needs to open up more!...I'm the open book type (obviously)...I'm always wanting him to change his idiosyncrosies!...I won't mention them, but I'm tempted! I'm well aware that I have a good share of them too! As for my kids, they deserve so much more than I give them!! I give them plenty of affection, but I feel and fear my depression and ADD keep me from meeting their basic needs, like getting them outside to play, and getting them on a better schedule!!...I don't get them up when I should in the morning...I miss their naps either because they get up late, or I just don't want to fight them to take a nap!...and they go to bed late! So I am carrying this serious mother's guilt! My oldest is starting pre-school in a couple months and even though I've always been home with her since she was born, I feel like I should have spent more quality time with her!!! It's like I'm here with her, but I'm not always really here with her! I've got another little one on the way...I'm very happy...and at the same time, ver seriously worried I won't be able to do it!!! -The End-