View Full Version : Starting to face that I've probably got BPD


Ethereal
07-16-09, 03:46 PM
The shrinks and doctors I've seen over the years (there are many of them) have not agreed on anything but that there's something really wrong with me- I've been diagnosed with Borderline, then Bipolar 2, then ADHD two years ago. I've definitely got eating disorders, insomnia and ADHD, but even though I've responded well to medication (Ritalin) and gottten better, it's obvious that I suffer from something else too. I don't think I'm Bipolar- I've never had periods with hypomania, only depression, my hyperacitvity just become more obvious when I wasn't going through periods of depression, which has become clear now when I've gotten older and my physical hyperactivity has decreased. I also don't respond to any medication used to treat Bipolar disorder.

When I got the Borderline diagnose 6 years ago, I refused to accept it- the thought of having BPD was unbearable. But, I'm starting to come out of denial now- being in a relationship with someone I actually love for the first time has caused me to behave in a way that strongly indicates that I've got BPD.

I'm not in treatment at the moment, I'm on a long waiting list, I will probably not get to see a shrink for at least two months- can't afford to go to a private practice. I don't know what to do in the meantime, I'm destroying my relationship, risking losing the man I'm convinced is "the one".

I don't know what I expect from this post, advice, comfort, anything. I'm so sad, so desperate- I'm crying as I write this. I've lost so much because of my mental problems over the years, I can't lose th love of my life too!

ADDnBeyond
07-19-09, 11:20 PM
Hi ethereal,

I have borderline features. I haven't been diagnosed with BPD as I don't meet enough of the criteria but I do have major problems with emotional dysregulation, dissociation and splitting.

My relationships suffer b/c I go from feeling strong feelings of love to feeling like I don't even know if I wanna be with the person! It makes me feel crazy but now that I know why it happens and I'm working on being treated with DBT, I do feel better. There is help for this.

What kinda symptoms do u have that interfere with ur relationship?

Ethereal
07-20-09, 06:49 AM
I don't have all the symptoms, and some symptoms are also symptoms of ADD, but I do have the extreme fear of being abandoned, my relationships with both friends and boyfriends have gone from one extreme to another, problems with controlling my temper (but I've had that since early childhood, and I'm able to control it more when I'm medicated), I've got recurrent suicidal behaviour (four suicide attempts so far), I'm very impulsive (but that can also be an ADD thing, I'm a lot less impulsive when I have Ritalin in my system), and I have often experienced a feeling of emptiness.

I'm looking into DBT now, the chances of finding a therapist in Norway who is trained in DBT are very slim, it's hard enough finding one trained in Cognitive Therapy. I'm going to purchase a DBT workbook/handbook and start wo.rking on it on my own- have to do something while I wait for getting therapy.

ADDnBeyond
07-21-09, 02:16 PM
Hey Ethereal,

Well I don't have all the symptoms either but I have enough of them and they are severe enough to interfere with my life. It would be great if you can do DBT. The thing about this to know is that people can and do get through this. I have a DBT workbook as well. Its a great thing to use with or without therapy. I know of resources to find DBT doctors/therapists but I think they're U.S. based. I will keep my eye out for you though.

There are lots of things that coexist with BPD and Add is def one of them. And in any event, even if you don't have symptoms of BPD, DBT is good for so many other things. It can be really helpful with all kinds of issues. I'm in the process of starting it myself- just haven't found the right therapist yet.

Anyway, keep us posted. This is a great place to share and find information so you've come to the right place!

johnny s.
07-21-09, 03:42 PM
hi ethereal!

my wife has a lot of BPD symptoms too, so I've been learning a lot about it lately.

I'm so proud of you for admitting you may have BPD!!! that is one of the hardest things for someone with BPD to do! your BF is very lucky.

you said that you think really being in love brought out your BPD traits.

how so?

johnny s.
07-21-09, 03:43 PM
also I would recommend the book "the high conflict couple" by Alan F.

forgot the last name.

but it is something you & your bf can work though together, or you can do it all by yourself.

Ethereal
07-26-09, 12:50 AM
hi ethereal!

my wife has a lot of BPD symptoms too, so I've been learning a lot about it lately.

I'm so proud of you for admitting you may have BPD!!! that is one of the hardest things for someone with BPD to do! your BF is very lucky.

you said that you think really being in love brought out your BPD traits.

how so?

Thank you so much, Johnny! Didn't your wife kick you out of the house recently? If it was you, I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how horrible you must feel.

Admitting that I probably have BPD took nearly seven years, now I'm excited to see if my new therapist, when I finally get one, agrees with me. I want to know what's wrong with me other than ADD, eating disorders and insomnia- I want my inner demons to have names- diagnoses.

I think falling and being in love has caused my BPD to develop, at least become more obvious, because I'm in a situation where I'm not in control, where I can get hurt, get my heart broken, shattered into pieces- it makes me insecure, which brings out my intense fear of being left, my anger issues, rides on an emotional roller-coaster every single day. By falling in love for real, I gave my boyfriend the power over me, meaning he's got the power to crush me completely, make me suicidal- and I'm not dealing with this loss of power very well.

Ethereal
07-26-09, 12:52 AM
Hey Ethereal,

Well I don't have all the symptoms either but I have enough of them and they are severe enough to interfere with my life. It would be great if you can do DBT. The thing about this to know is that people can and do get through this. I have a DBT workbook as well. Its a great thing to use with or without therapy. I know of resources to find DBT doctors/therapists but I think they're U.S. based. I will keep my eye out for you though.

There are lots of things that coexist with BPD and Add is def one of them. And in any event, even if you don't have symptoms of BPD, DBT is good for so many other things. It can be really helpful with all kinds of issues. I'm in the process of starting it myself- just haven't found the right therapist yet.

Anyway, keep us posted. This is a great place to share and find information so you've come to the right place!

I don't think I'll be able to find even one therapist qualified to do DBT in Norway, we're way behind on the psychiatric field, it's hard even to find someone trained in Cognitive Therapy.

I'll keep you updated- I've found forums especially for people with BPD too, they might be very useful for me- this forum definitely has.

Ethereal
07-26-09, 02:28 AM
also I would recommend the book "the high conflict couple" by Alan F.

forgot the last name.

but it is something you & your bf can work though together, or you can do it all by yourself.

Thanks for the book tip, I'll definitely check it out.

johnny s.
07-26-09, 01:39 PM
yeah, that was me. kicked out.

I never noticed my wife's bpd qualities (not sure if she's full blown bpd) because up until recently, I was on the good list.

now that I'm on the bad list, it's rough.

plus it's exactly like you said - I think falling love is hard for someone who has been so badly hurt by love before.

it brings up a LOT of issues that were burried.

I really admire you for having the stregnth to face this. that's awesome.

ADDnBeyond
08-11-09, 03:42 PM
Hey,

congrats on finding the forums! That can be very helpful. Would u mind sharing them? I haven't found any that are that active unless they're geared towards the BPD's partner or loved one. I'd love to chat with ppl about this and compare notes...

I don't think I'll be able to find even one therapist qualified to do DBT in Norway, we're way behind on the psychiatric field, it's hard even to find someone trained in Cognitive Therapy.

I'll keep you updated- I've found forums especially for people with BPD too, they might be very useful for me- this forum definitely has.

Ethereal
08-12-09, 01:55 PM
I'm happy to share!

The only one I've found with some activity is this. (http://borderlinepersonalitydisordersanctuaryforum.yuku.c om/directory) I find it not active enough, but beggars can't be choosers, right? And the people who are active there seem to know a lot, and want to help, the responses I've gotten on the few threads I've started has been very helpful.

ADDnBeyond
08-14-09, 11:51 PM
Thank u so much! I haven't been there recently but I'll def check it out again and I'l llet u know if I find anything else!