View Full Version : What on earth...? Am I crazy? Scared...


Hoshi
08-12-09, 10:52 AM
(Sorry for the huuuge wall-o-text)
I'm kinda embarrassed to mention this, but better here than to ask someone in person till I know I'm not being silly.

The past few years, I've started having weird mood swings, and they have become more and more frequent. I just keep hoping it will not be bipolar. I don't think it is...but here we go.

The mood swings can be as short as 15 seconds or as long as a few hours. My anxiety is through the ROOF. I worry all. the. time. I used to be such a carefree person... wtf is happening to me?!

These mood swings are freaky, though. For instance, I was in the car driving to a friends place. I had been in a good mood. I was singing along with a happy song too. Suddenly, out of NOWHERE, the muscles in my chest contracted like they do when you are sobbing. Suddenly there was just extreme, extreme...not hopelessness...not precisely sadness...more like grief. Tears were in my eyes. Then it was gone - 100% gone. I was shellshocked and startled!! I couldn't figure out what happened and was so freakin' confused about it...no matter how many times this happens, it still surprises me. There is no feeling of such before it "comes on". It just HAPPENS. Then is gone...like someone turned a tap on and off at full blast.
It can happen once every other day, or 3+ times a day at random.

Then there's the hopelessness. It's not constant... but I cannot control it. It comes on...seemingly more and more often... and lasts from a few minutes to 3 or 4 hrs. It just makes me hopeless, bored, anxious, and very irritated. I'm a total ***** and I know it...and I HATE that! But the scariest thing...and I will never tell anyone in real life about this... is that when these "episodes" hit... there have been thoughts of suicide. Against my will. I would never do it, and don't want to at all. I would never, ever, ever want to die. But the thoughts invaded, and I found myself daydreaming about it and was DISGUSTED with the thoughts and myself. I didn't want it, even when thinking about it. BLECH!! These suicidal thoughts were mainly when I didn't have any meds for a week, so it could have been that.

There is almost never an upswing. If it does happen, I'm usually very tired when it does... coming off a long shift at work, been up a while, etc etc. Sometimes I can be pretty impulsive when it happens... but it's pretty rare and very short, usually lasting less than an hour. All I do is joke around a lot and feel way too happy for no reason. I'll usually plan to run all these errands and whatnot, but within the hour, I crash hard and am more exhausted than before.

And I feel so...detached... from the world sometimes. I know that sounds SO stupid. I've never mentioned it to anyone because I know it must sound like I'm making it up or just wanting attention. Plus I'd sound crazy. I mean, how do you tell someone that you dont feel like a person sometimes? Or, I dunno...like my body isn't mine. It doesnt feel like me. And that...and this sounds really bad....sometimes I lose empathy for people in general. Sometimes it feels like people aren't as real as other things. I know that doesn't make sense. Reality doesn't feel very real sometimes. Right now, it doesnt. Right now, people don't feel like people. I feel me in my head, I'm here, but my body feels like an accessory. My roommate in the next room seems like an object to me right now. But this feeling will pass...still, it's horrifying. I know that my roomie is real, that these people are real. But it doesnt feel like it. How stupid is that?! But it starts to make me feel alone, like I wanna yell "anyone out there?!".

Am I going crazy? I mean, I don't think I'm anything..ya know..besides a human. No aliens or anything, lol. It's just like things aren't real, sometimes even things I touch. Right now, my body doesn't feel very real. I'm sitting weirdly and my legs fell asleep, but the discomfort isn't really mine so I don't care to move them. I'm tired, but the fatigue isn't mine. I think my throat is dry, but the thirst isn't mine or worth moving to get a drink. LOL how stupid does THAT sound?

Is something wrong with me? Does this have anything to do with ADD? The ADD stim meds seem to stabilize some aspects (especially mood swings), but make the anxiety and detached feeling worse. The whole thing is worse when the meds wear off.

I HATE talking about feelings. I have a pdoc, but I only see here for ADD. At the first appt, she took a medical history, including psych evaluation. I glossed over some things because of how embarrassed I was. I'm just very uncomfortable talking about emotions/feelings, and such... so talking online to people I don't know is sooo much easier.

Any suggestions would be deeply appreciated. I don't know...I mean, do other people feel this way? Is it normal? If not, does it even warrant me mentioning to my pdoc?
And if it isn't normal, what on earth could this be?! :( I'm kind of scared...and mortified! It feels like I'm losing my sanity sometimes. But I don't want to tell anyone...

doiadhd
08-12-09, 11:30 AM
I call your wall of text....and raise you....lol(had to put the title in after,may have got carried away;))

I hear you loud and clear,and you have explained 'this',very well!
I am the absolute same....the only difference is,that i self medicate....i feel no shame there(a bit of weed and some booze-when it gets tooo much....quite often really,but not enough to fall into the trap again..)

I think with any type of medication,it is there for either the sub-conscience or conscious to take over....oh,hard to explain now....so clear in my own mind,but trying to get it out here is v.difficult,there are no words/or just too many....

You may be mad to some,out there,but here...when i read your words,i'm like thank f:)ck,for that!Excuse my pardoned,french....Yes it is difficult,very....when you was in your car,did the music stop,when you felt the ....hmmm...invisible tide hit you?Does this happen more,when listening to music...and un-medicated?

I find we hear and see things.....clearer,not the sound,or sight,but the realness(non-realness),of it ALL...everything,and we are supposed to be ignorant,because it is bliss?!....it's the reality of it all...the knowing,it is'nt what it seems....but we must not panic,or at least to try not to.....it's not in a language we can understand,or are taught,it is more of a feeling/emotion....what are feelings/emotions....i reckon it is the sub-conscious,trying to communicate with the conscience...

Ever seen animals,rocking and going made in a zoo?It's the same for us....but with invisible bars and walls...we can pass through them easy....the main thing is ,do not be afraid or scared of yourself...and especially others!It's hard,I still go back and fourth from where you are now....maybe bipolar,maybe adhd,maybe madness....may just be a powerful brain,working in an area,your both unfamiliar with....it is hard....click your fingers,look at something and then think....we maybe bored of sight and sound.....you,drive,get into your car one day and follow your nose....'oh thats nice!',pull over and have an inspection of what triggered your own thoughts in your own time,in your own world.....

Think i maybe writing this to the both of us....hope it comes out the way,i hope it will be recieved...

Your not mad!!!!!Your alive!More than most,don't be scared of it....sight,sound=vision,the vision is inside your head....so it is your world,maybe no-one else is alive inside your head....that is because they are not inside your head,they are out there....(x-files??),who says aliens are not out there??In an infinate space....there is nothing.....maybe....maybe not

I think i'm mad quite often....i keep getting this massive thought in my head....prepare yourself...

What would make the best t.v programme,in the world? Answer,the world...oh look at the pretty star....looks down...looks back up...where the hel did that go???

We as people,may watch big brother,big brothe is watching us.....remember being a kid,and watching ants busy busy scurry scurry.....what if we were the ants....the sun the magnifying glass.....the breeze-someones breathe...lighting-a lighter....thunder-a fart(had to do something there)THE END.

Ok this may help,or make thigs worse....it's just great to find like minded people!

(p.s-not sure about the aliens,but not un-sure...i just do not believe,what we are taught or told...by people thinking they know more or thinking they are above us)

Hoshi
08-12-09, 11:37 AM
Oookay, now I just feel retarded looking at what I posted. :rolleyes: I felt pretty, eh, numb. But now "up" mood swing. I guess it should be a bad thing, but it doesn't feel bad! :D:D

I'm not even sure if that is what this is. I just felt like I needed to put on the happiest, bounciest music I had and PUMP IT UP! I kinda just wanna get up and do a little dance, hahaha. I can't wipe the stupid grin off my face and everything feels 100% okay and great. I wanna go out and run or DO SOMETHING. Or jump up and down. Just...something! :p

Maybe this is just my natural state. Who knows?! :cool: Maybe I'm just makin' a huge deal out of nothing. I wish I could edit my original post, lol. I whine too much - maybe I need some cheese with it. :D

EDIT:
Oh, and to the poster above me... maybe I'll understand what you mean after I get some sleep. But right now, it makes no sense to me, lol. But what I wrote earlier doesn't make as much sense to me as when I wrote it, either. I probably also shoulda mentioned that this all started before meds, but they have definitely gotten worse. Even now, that "high" feeling is gone, and my grin is fading... I just feel tired and, well, neutral I guess. This is so dumb. Surely this can't be bipolar...it doesn't cycle this fast. And I was tested for it and other stuff when I was getting dx'd with ADD.

olavia
08-12-09, 05:28 PM
Too tired to read all of your post, just wanted to mention something: After I started with Strattera I experienced some really weird mood swings. I am sure this going on and off drugs can have this sort of effect on people. Also for not feeling your body, that can be a side effect, it could be in the depersonalization street ( which can also be a stress symptom, look into depersonalization and derealisation).

doiadhd
08-12-09, 06:00 PM
Well no problem.When you feel down again come back and i'll try to relate...

If it aint bipolar....your have a serious problem----ie;being selfish

Half my post was trying to sort you and your head out,i even gave you reps for your honesty!!.Not even a thankyou.....surely this can't be bipolar-keep wishing it is and it will be.Could'nt share it with the outside world,so share it with your 'mad' mates.

It has to be said....i could do with being banned.Annoying!!This my dear is!,probably bipolar.

I'm, holding way back here,by the way fyi

Hoshi
08-12-09, 07:24 PM
...what? Uh, I wasn't trying to be insulting. I really was tired and not thinking well. I truly do appreciate your reply and such. Geez. I didn't mean for it to come off as insulting.

I really didn't (and don't) get what most of your post was trying to say. I'm just not good with stream-of-consciousness stuff and never have been. :(


I think there's been a misunderstanding... I'm sorry. :( Me selfish? Well, maybe. I try to be a good person and help people when I can. I'm a college student living off minimum wage, but I still donate food/clothing to the local battered women's shelter. I also tip 20% - 50% for meals if that makes a difference. :p lol. I really think there was just a misunderstanding... if I came off as unappreciative, I'm really sorry. Oh, and me wishing it was bipolar? Dear god in heaven. I'm pretty darn sure it isn't, but it would SUCK if it was. I cannot afford the meds and really dont want to compromise my ADD treatment by having to put it on hold. And without the ADD meds... I might as well just give up on school. And without a degree, I'll end up just like my parents. No frickin' thanks. WISH for it? I don't think so. And like I said, it doesn't even fit the mold for bi-polar..there's no days-long manias or severe depressions. But, ya know, whatever. I'm really embarrassed about the mood swings and would never want to mention it to friends or family...so that leaves here. I don't want my family to know...ADD is enough. I feel weak, okay? I should just buck up and deal with it or something, but I'm weak, and I'm ashamed of the weakness I feel. When someone else has mental illness, it's a legitimate problem, but when it's me, it feels like it's because I'm weak-willed. My family has a strong history of mental illness... I just keep thinking, 'Please not me...let me be the one to escape this...' So...sorry. But I'm a little hurt that you'd insinuate that. I mean, looking for mental illness? Not in a million years. I just want...to be normal... I want to blend into the crowd and be normal and ordinary. What a thing to aspire to.

olavia: It's worst when I'm not on meds or the meds are wearing off (that's the worst!). I was on a week-long med break last week, and it was crappy. I was all over the place. My adderall seems to make me more neutral. but, I dunno, not really used to assessing my mood all the time.

But, OMG, Strattera was craaazy. Scary, really. It made me almost homicidal, so I stopped it after like 4 days. I felt no joy, no sadness, just RAGE at everything. I'm a very non-violent person, so when I started having intrusive thoughts of physically hurting people, I was DONE with Strattera. Lol.

doiadhd
08-12-09, 08:16 PM
o,k;)

The thing is....if you are having these feeling/emotions you need to really know or try to understand where they come from....because they may get worse,especially if you just brush it off....for some reason i thought you was older....did'nt mean to go off on my second post...i'm starting to realise how much i do this on here and out in the 3D world....

Good luck.....and tipping is good,but not too much...


afterthought;
You did'nt even read my message did you

ginniebean
08-12-09, 08:31 PM
Hoshi,

What you are describing sounds like a typical panic attack. Won't kill you but it does feel so awful.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attack

Hoshi
08-12-09, 08:32 PM
Good luck.....and tipping is good,but not too much...


afterthought;
You did'nt even read my message did you
I wait tables, so I tip well...as long as the wait staff do a good job. But I did that even before I waited tables... It's just one of those things... 'cause I know it's a hard job.

And, yeah, I read it... and was quite confused by it. :confused:

Edit: ginniebean ... I don't think it's a panic attack. I had my first one of those after starting adderall. They really do suck... but they're different for me. They are just fear/panic/a need to get away from where I am. And there's sweating and my heart racing... all for seemingly no reason at all. I've only had maybe 4 of them total since Feb. so it's not really debilitating. I'm just kinda anxious all the time now and worry about things needlessly. It just feels like such a burden after a while, but I can't stop.

I should probably just stop dwelling on it, it's probably making it worse. Even if it isn't normal, there's probably not much that can be done anyway. So going and whining about it to my pdoc probably wont do anything but make her want to stop the ADD treatment. I should probably keep my trap shut after all.

EYEFORGOT
08-12-09, 10:40 PM
No need to keep your trap shut, it's good to have a place to talk this stuff out, with or without answers. You're not being selfish doing so. I've been here for years because I can feel safe enough to talk about my "madness".

I'm going to bed myself right now, but I hope I can put some more thought into this tomorrow. Be well. :)

Hoshi
08-16-09, 10:45 PM
Semi-update... I'm starting to think this may be a psychological problem with a physiological cause. Last month, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure/rapid pulse...which is weird, since my vitals get checked monthly and have never been significantly elevated. Since then, it has gotten worse. The past week, I'm short of breath a lot...just sitting here...my muscles feel so weak and I can't get enough air. I'm more fatigued that I've ever felt in my life and am sleeping about 20 hours a day. And my hair is falling out like crazy...which may not seem bad in comparison to chest pain/shortness of breath, but it's still freaky since I'm a 20yo female.
Last night, I was an inch from asking my roomie to take me to the ER... I was lying in bed trying to sleep and found myself huffing and puffing trying to get air. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears and my hands and feet where white and cold. My heart rate was well over 100bpm - at first, I thought I couldnt find it...it was beating so fast, it was like it was a constant..you couldn't feel the "downbeats". I took extra metoprolol (!) and after an hour, it was down to a still-too-high-resting-rate but at least not painful. But sometimes if I take the prescribed dose of metoprolol, my heart rate plummets to bradycardia, and I'm short of breath and..hollow-feeling, if that makes any sense. It isn't pleasant.

I called out of work today. They want a doc's note, which is fine, since I'm calling tomorrow for an appt. Something is very, very wrong and it's really scary. It's times like this I wish I was a kid so I could be reassured and not have to take this on by myself. My mom would make the 9hr drive tonight if I told her I needed her, but I would never do that.

livinginchaos
08-16-09, 10:50 PM
it's good to hear you're making a doc appt.

anon9000
08-17-09, 01:04 AM
i don't think it's bipolar. because what you would be describing would be something like extreme rapid cycling, which is rare as hell.

then again, all my mental health info comes from wiki and this board.

Hoshi
08-17-09, 03:11 AM
I agree with you, anon. My understanding is that bipolar has much longer cycles - lows/highs lasting for days or weeks at a time. Mine are extreme sudden changes lasting often less than half an hour, no more than 3 or 4 hrs. I'm starting to think it's a byproduct of something else.

Btw...the username...not quite over 9000. Just AT 9000 :P

chips
08-17-09, 07:08 AM
There is ultradian bipolar which you can have multiple mood changes within a day. Might be worth having a google at it.

WanderingGirl
08-20-09, 10:50 PM
Sounds bad... Hugs!

ginniebean
08-21-09, 12:02 AM
If you drink coffee I'd suggest stopping. Also, loss of hair can be a side effect of the meds. It's possible that you may need to reduce your meds or have them changed.

About extremely rare forms of bi-polar, don't get in too big a sweat about that. I kinda fail to see the point of dropping off rare conditions to someone experiencing anxiety over physical symptoms. I too occaisionally experience what you're experiencing now (minus the hair loss), tho it rarely lasts more than a few days and I'm not bi-polar so I am very curious to know what you find out. Please keep me posted.

Riff Raff
08-21-09, 04:13 PM
I call your wall of text....and raise you....lol(had to put the title in after,may have got carried away;))

I hear you loud and clear,and you have explained 'this',very well!
I am the absolute same....the only difference is,that i self medicate....i feel no shame there(a bit of weed and some booze-when it gets tooo much....quite often really,but not enough to fall into the trap again..)

I think with any type of medication,it is there for either the sub-conscience or conscious to take over....oh,hard to explain now....so clear in my own mind,but trying to get it out here is v.difficult,there are no words/or just too many....

You may be mad to some,out there,but here...when i read your words,i'm like thank f:)ck,for that!Excuse my pardoned,french....Yes it is difficult,very....when you was in your car,did the music stop,when you felt the ....hmmm...invisible tide hit you?Does this happen more,when listening to music...and un-medicated?

I find we hear and see things.....clearer,not the sound,or sight,but the realness(non-realness),of it ALL...everything,and we are supposed to be ignorant,because it is bliss?!....it's the reality of it all...the knowing,it is'nt what it seems....but we must not panic,or at least to try not to.....it's not in a language we can understand,or are taught,it is more of a feeling/emotion....what are feelings/emotions....i reckon it is the sub-conscious,trying to communicate with the conscience...

Ever seen animals,rocking and going made in a zoo?It's the same for us....but with invisible bars and walls...we can pass through them easy....the main thing is ,do not be afraid or scared of yourself...and especially others!It's hard,I still go back and fourth from where you are now....maybe bipolar,maybe adhd,maybe madness....may just be a powerful brain,working in an area,your both unfamiliar with....it is hard....click your fingers,look at something and then think....we maybe bored of sight and sound.....you,drive,get into your car one day and follow your nose....'oh thats nice!',pull over and have an inspection of what triggered your own thoughts in your own time,in your own world.....

Think i maybe writing this to the both of us....hope it comes out the way,i hope it will be recieved...

Your not mad!!!!!Your alive!More than most,don't be scared of it....sight,sound=vision,the vision is inside your head....so it is your world,maybe no-one else is alive inside your head....that is because they are not inside your head,they are out there....(x-files??),who says aliens are not out there??In an infinate space....there is nothing.....maybe....maybe not

I think i'm mad quite often....i keep getting this massive thought in my head....prepare yourself...

What would make the best t.v programme,in the world? Answer,the world...oh look at the pretty star....looks down...looks back up...where the hel did that go???

We as people,may watch big brother,big brothe is watching us.....remember being a kid,and watching ants busy busy scurry scurry.....what if we were the ants....the sun the magnifying glass.....the breeze-someones breathe...lighting-a lighter....thunder-a fart(had to do something there)THE END.

Ok this may help,or make thigs worse....it's just great to find like minded people!

(p.s-not sure about the aliens,but not un-sure...i just do not believe,what we are taught or told...by people thinking they know more or thinking they are above us)

Dude, I got what you're trying to say. I have that same "all knowing" feeling (and yes, it IS a "feeling). No one else is inside my head, therefore they just don't "get" what reality is.

Me? I'm terrified of myself, and it's beginning to cause GREAT anxiety. And it became exacerbated after a 4 week dose of Prednisone I was taking for an allergic reaction. It gave me an intense state of hypomania, where I could honestly say my ADDI was "cured". At the end of the 4 weeks? CRAAAAASSHH! Back to normal. Or should I say "subnormal", because I feel worse now than before the hypomanic phase. During it, I was "on", and I was more productive in those 4 weeks than I was for 40 years. Now i'm back to struggling even worse than before. But im finding the anxiety is what's debilitating.

SkepticSeraph
08-28-09, 11:27 AM
Possible schitzophrenia?

doiadhd
08-28-09, 11:44 AM
i don't think it's bipolar. because what you would be describing would be something like extreme rapid cycling, which is rare as hell.

then again, all my mental health info comes from wiki and this board.

There is ultradian bipolar which you can have multiple mood changes within a day. Might be worth having a google at it.


Hello chips and anon9000,

Rapid cycling,is this metabolism related?
Ultradian bipolar,is this a combined problem?Fast metabolism and bipolar?

I know the op's experience all too well,have had such experiences for years.I did go to see my doctor about bipolar,and she dismissed it as soon as I said it,with the words,"...well you not going to try and buy a Ferrari with no money are you!?"-What the hell is she talking about??Surely this kind of action would be the result of going to your doctors,suggesting you have bipolar....then getting fobbed off with out an ounce of help.

My metabolism is fast,and I do get the mood disorders,which may result in rapid fluctuations of mood.....which does not go down well with acquaintances.

doiadhd
08-28-09, 11:45 AM
i don't think it's bipolar. because what you would be describing would be something like extreme rapid cycling, which is rare as hell.

then again, all my mental health info comes from wiki and this board.

There is ultradian bipolar which you can have multiple mood changes within a day. Might be worth having a google at it.

Rapid cycling,is this metabolism related?
Ultradian bipolar,is this a combined problem?Fast metabolism and bipolar?

I know the op's experience all too well,have had such experiences for years.I did go to see my doctor about bipolar,and she dismissed it as soon as I said it,with the words,"...well you not going to try and buy a Ferrari with no money are you!?"-What the hell is she talking about??Surely this kind of action would be the result of going to your doctors,suggesting you have bipolar....then getting fobbed off with out an ounce of help.

My metabolism is fast,and I do get the mood disorders,which may result in rapid fluctuations of mood.....which does not go down well with acquaintances.