View Full Version : So, finally decided to see a doctor (input needed)


joklem
09-27-09, 06:36 PM
Warning: very long!

I'll give examples about me, before and after I started on Ritalin IR:

Diagnosed for ADHD twice between 9 and 12 by two different doctors.

Someone would offer me some money to fix his computer or something, and I wouldn't want to do it. I wasn't after more money, I just thought that it wasn't worth the hassle. I'd do it if they were friends, but I'd be bored (and sometimes ****ed if I have troubles on the computer's diagnostic), and bored afterwards, etc. Sometimes I'd procrastinate even though I was totally free of important stuff that day. I would even procrastinate in my "personal time", delaying for days watching a movie that really interested me, for example.

I was basically that guy who looks completely bored in a rollercoaster. I had no motivation to do anything, but I stressed out over not doing them. Rather than having a foggy head like I hear alot, most of the time I was thinking of 5 things at once, spending hours figuring out which one I will follow through with... and with the most benign things, like different movies or video games. Dropped out of education programs to switch to a totally unrelated one, things like that. I was also tired all day even though I overslept. I ruined all my relationships because I would be so bored that I'd argue about the most benign things, in retrospective it gave me a little 'stimulation' to be on the edge of losing a friend or partner. I felt irritable alot of the time, never aggressive though.

Today my roomie's mother asked me to build her a computer for no less than $1000. I told her I can build her a good tower for around $400 (using different sources for different components = savings, but takes more time), and I won't charge her for my time. My brother's friend's computer has problems and he called me to fix it. Instantly I said "just pick me up and I'll do it!!", when I asked how much I wanted, I said nothing.

I am not a computer technician, just knowledgeable about them, learned through use. I used to say "I hate being the only person who can fix computers in my family/friend circle". Now I'm upbeat about doing things like that, just because helping people and being generous makes me feel awesome!

Basically, I think I get that "feel good" thing people get (which I never understood before), after finishing something I set out to do. I feel rewarded with self-esteem when I look back at what I did, or someone thanks me or compliments me on being upbeat and generous. I actually had never felt that before.

One disadvantage is that I don't get that at all unless I'm on the meds. My doc started me low (20mg morning/noon, which made me feel like a zombie for the day then a walking coma during the evening), and gave me the OK to adjust my dosage until it "feels right". I've had my psychonaut years (tried almost every psychedelics once and moved on, I got good insights and new philosophies which I didn't want to lose by falling into drug abuse. Done speed ("hardest" drug I've done) once and that gave me the epiphany to get my ADHD treated) so I tend know exactly what drugs change in me and my limits, so I went up gradually but over the period of 2 days to 30mg morning, 30mg noon and 30mg early evening. Thinking of switching my sleep schedule, 30mg noon, 30mg early evening, 30mg mid-evening -- bed time at 3AM. Tried to be a morning person but I've always been an evening/night person. That's who I am and the meds couldn't change it. :P

Friday I had no choice but to stay up late (party at my apartment, no opportunity to sleep until 3-4AM because of noise), so I took the morning 30mg dose at 10PM, talked to some new people (I used to be more stiff with new people), then when they were too drunk for me to make sense of them, withdrew to my room to continue teaching myself recording/mixing/mastering (my professional interest) with Sony Acid Pro 7. I was very focused on it even though there were 25+ people crammed in my apartment. Showed my work off to some people because I was proud of it. I went to bed at 4AM, woke up around noon and didn't take Ritalin until 6PM.

I felt guilty after though, should I? I really have no interest in using it to "get high" and escape reality/avoid problems, but it helps literally every aspects of my life so far. No serious side effects, and I'm watching my physical and mental health. Might be worth noting that the 30mg dose lasts for roughly 3 hours.

I sleep for 7-8 hours when it wears off and I want to go to bed, don't wake up once throughout the night, and wake up without an alarm. Feel refreshed in the morning and happy/positive about my life, but I also feel "ADD" and bored just like before.

One advantage, is that I have *zero* problems refusing to take other drugs. I never had a drug or alcohol problem (got drunk once only), though, but I'm impressed at how easy it is. Not even cannabis, which I know is safe and everything (mooched a few puffs on friday and the effects of the combination was too strong for my liking). I just feel better when I'm alert and have a clear head. I stopped smoking tobacco too, the motivation being that it's a waste of money and health with few benefits. On nicotine patches after a pack a day, my roommate smokes like a chimney and I'm not tempted to smoke even when I get a craving.

During that party on Friday, someone put a speed right in front of me (Ritalin had worn off too), and I very easily said no, because I knew THAT would be overdoing it.

Basically, I feel completely in control of my life. But only when the meds are active, which kind of bothers me. I'm actually hoping someone can comfort me on that one.

peripatetic
09-27-09, 06:49 PM
Basically, I feel completely in control of my life. But only when the meds are active, which kind of bothers me. I'm actually hoping someone can comfort me on that one.

joklem,

i'm going to admit right now that i didn't read your post at all thoroughly (um, i skimmed most of it, though:rolleyes:)--i *will* try to later, but it's beautiful out and i need to go walk.

however, the above sentences struck me and i couldn't pass up a response.

*you are not alone.*

my life is largely controlled and works decently well--being an optimist and not having an attention span undoubtedly help me keep movin' on:)

without medication, though, i'm a disaster and a half. you'd think it would take a long time for my life to spin completely out of control and get me in serious trouble, but it's shockingly fast.

it's disconcerting, to say the least.

i'm not sure if this is of much help to you, but i hope that knowing you are not alone in your feelings offers some comfort.

now, as i said, its lovely out and since we only get about 2 really great weeks of sunshine in sf, i have to get out, out, out and enjoy!

my best to you:)

joklem
09-27-09, 09:37 PM
You again! Hi! :)

odsybmx734
09-27-09, 09:43 PM
yo man i am pretty much the same as you. I use adderall though. I know what you mean about being bored all the freaking time, even with adderall sometimes it does not even cure my boredom so I have to take another dose so for whatever reason I find it worth it in my head to do this this and this. I stopped taking it all together when i dropped all of my classes due to seasonal depression, I began smoking pot all day everyday for a few months until i started taking adderall again. I was just smoking because I was that bored, I still long for any mind altering substance when I am bored, nothing else stimulates me enough... people say find a hobby, or something like that.... but when i am un medicated drugs are my hobby, they are the only thing that satisfies me at that moment of boredom which just seems like the worst moment of my life. Its sad how bad of an experience being bored is for me, it should not be this bad. Vicodin was my most recent mistake... I actually started using it in place of adderall because it honestly helps my ADD and has less side effects. I was only planning on using this a few times but that turned into everyday. Adderall gives me the ability to say no and mean it, no inner urge.

Sad thing is, usually when i describe this intense boredom everyone says its depression... i dont think im depressed but i told my doc i have anxiety when i take my adderall sometiems, and she prescribed me cymbalta. i would much rather take xanax or something to take as needed than an everyday type of thing but i probably would have ended up abusing it so who knows.

hope my post helped or something... in some sort of way. sorry for spelling/grammar/typos its late, havent ate all day(adderall)


EDIT***I forgot to mention I also really really really enjoy helping people while on adderall...sometimes.... when i first started it, that first year was when i was really crazy about that. I also always had the urge to fix things and also was obsessed with computer programs, modifcations and **** like that, i actually broke more than i fixed but i loved messing with tech stuff. Helping people is just a good idea when i am not on meds, i never follow through and if i do i dont get such a good feeling from doing so.

joklem
09-27-09, 11:55 PM
Is it normal to feel guilty and like a complete wreck when it's wearing off?

I actually feel like flushing them down the toilet right now... and I'm re-reading my post and thinking... Actually i just want to cry for no reason and meh.

when people are talking to me are they talking to me or the meds?

blah...... i used to feel independent and in control to a certain extent, but it's complete chaos right now.

odsybmx734
09-28-09, 12:24 AM
when it is wearing off, sometimes I feel just straight up psychotic. I dont even know anything, i am stuck in between myself and the medicated me....which is a scary place to be.

i wonder if people are really talking to me or if the meds are just in control of me, i wonder if what i say is what the un medicated me would have said or if its just the medicine talking. its really ****ed up.

im guessing its complete chaos right now because it is wearing off or already has wore off, am i right? you just sound like ....well...myself lol. you are describing your current condition and if your like me, i do the same thing when it is wearing off but i tend to believe my current condition is my permanent condition....but i know if i were to just take another adderall i would feel in control again. i really hate drugs, but i have just decided to deal with adderall because i havent found any doctors that give enough of a **** to give me anything that i would enjoy taking and enjoy life on, anything else i have tried just makes me sick, and totally sucks. adderall helps the most so far, im sure there is a drug out there that would just work wonders for me but until i find a doctor who shows some sort of intelligence i guess i am stuck with this crap.

joklem
09-28-09, 02:27 AM
I definitely don't feel like taking it and am feeling disgust towards the medication and even myself a bit... I just can't stop thinking negative things... and a few positive glows here and there which quickly disappear.

I'll write some down, maybe someone can help but I'm taking my notes to my doctor too...

Negative:

1) I feel trapped. I started an ambitious project that I can't even finish by myself. I'm convinced that I need to be on meds to do anything. I can't even do groceries half properly. I'd go there with a list, and still forget a bunch of stuff and buy stuff that I didn't plan on getting, part of a meal which I forgot ingredients for so it's useless unless I go back, stuff like that. I mean it's not a huge deal, but it happens with everything everyday.

2) I know I'm not getting high, but I still feel like... a "junkie" is the best way to describe it. need the med to function, and yet the alternative is what i described in the original post... and above too actually, I just repeated myself eh?

3) If I have one of these "downs" during the day, I either a) take a dose b) am too tired and want to sleep (it was a problem before too...). Just barely 4 hours after having woken up from a good night of sleep, and I can go from talking to someone to staring at something in the distance until he snaps me out of it. Hello is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone home?

4) Maybe some people are born to suffer and experience failure all of their lives and I happen to be one of those.

Positive:

1) At least taking more isn't my first thought when it wears off [edit: during the day]. Going to bed and sleeping is. Which is better anyway?


Should I pause the treatment until I can see a doctor? Probably Tuesday if he's the one on guard. And I can only talk to him for like 10 minutes too and I have too much to say. Need someone to talk to...

I'm "calm" and handling it, but it sucks and I needed to write somewhere even if no ones gonna read it.

Archon
09-28-09, 07:04 AM
Basically, I feel completely in control of my life. But only when the meds are active, which kind of bothers me. I'm actually hoping someone can comfort me on that one.

If it makes you feel any better I don't feel in control of my life even when I'm on meds :P

joklem
09-28-09, 01:48 PM
No meds today, no rollercoaster. Back to how I was before and I'm tired.

Getting strong cravings for nicotine though, hasn't really happened since I quit a week ago.