View Full Version : Questionable friends

10-07-09, 03:27 AM
I've heard "If friends don't stick with you through thick and thin then they aren't your friend" a thousand times before and it is so true.

Let me give you a little background. I used to be a huge pot smoker / dealer. I loved to party and my school work suffered because of. While at my ripe age of 16 I've seen a lot of evil in the world and soon all the drama with "friends" and stuff I used pot as a coping mechanism. I quickly learned that I was mentally addicted to it partly because it allowed me to escape. I wouldn't have noticed it unless the leader that talked to me about it had. We'll call him Tom, he is part of a group that allows kids to worship god and all that jazz. Basically he found out what I was doing, I guess he knew that I had a rough past and he talked to me about it and I really didn't think about it until I had to get high again to escape the world. From that point on i've been clean (been about 4 months, I know doesn't seam like a long time but thats like a century for me).

Stopping wasn't a problem, I started attending Toms services that he had weekly and I really liked it but I always felt like I wasn't wanted there by the members of the group, plus they aren't the type of people that I would hang out with. They are worried about whos dating who and all that stuff while i'm worried about how i'm going to pay my bills and other stuff. Anyway, I know that they knew my past and what I had done but I tried to ignore it until a friend of mine committed suicide recently. I'm not going to go into detail but a lot of the members were gossiping about it and I tried to bite my lip until someone said that he was going to go to hell because he was weak and did what he did. I was so ****ed by the end of the verbal argument that I was crying from the loss of a friend, the anger that they had imposed on me and the want for me to just whale on them and make them think twice before doing that to my face.

So it's about 20 min later and I'm outside the building while the service is still going on and i'm talking to another friend of mine and we were both talking about why we were there at the service. (we had been going for a few weeks now) and we both came to the conclusion that we both wanted to change our lifestyle from being pot smokers / dealers to a better person. While I know that it's hard to change I have been doing well as previously mentioned but it's so odd because you would think that people that practice Christianity would be welcoming with open arms trying to comfort me and such but I got the exact opposite and thats what makes me mad because i've taken a lot of their bull**** for the past years and they can't give me a few days or even hours to mourn the loss of a dear friend before they try and push my buttons. Usually my buttons don't push back but that day they were laced with spikes and they just cant wrap their mind around that there are other people besides "perfect" people and thats what makes me mad.

While I've tried countless times to ignore the fact that the people at the group wouldn't drop me at the drop of a hat it's simply not true and i find myself talking the people that i've dropped so that I can change and they continue to welcome me with open arms.

This is another one of my useless threads that no one will read but it feels good because I can vent to someone or something.

Thanks to the people that do read it and have experienced the same thing. Maybe an outsiders perspective will help me with this dumb situation.


time for some sleep now. Thanks ADD boars for keeping me up in times of boredom and helping me sleep in times of need

10-07-09, 11:11 AM
I've written a lot of venty posts too....but I have the morning off, and I kinda understand what you are going through with the situation at the services. But, unfortunately, people in those groups are hurting imperfect individuals themselves. Just because you are new to the group does not make them any better and you an less, and there seems at times no better place to be hurt by our expectations of perfect people than in organized religious meetings.

If you feel the way you do about the members of the group, but appreciate what you are learning from the leader, perhaps there is another kind of group that is more to your own level and where would feel more comfortable. I've been to a lot of different kinds of services with different people, and found the most accepting group was a small group called Church In The Wind, it was a tiny bunch of ex hard-core Harley people who had turned around, a very humbling, nonjudgemental, welcoming group of people (even if you didn't "ride"). And, I personally found that the worst places for feeling accepted were the big pretty glitzy every-thing-is-perfect and even-more-so when you join membership and are able to regularly tithe. Those were a stressful bunch.

My point being, shop around. Many props to you for finding a niche that is helping you move forward and grow. I think there are better environments out there for you and encourage you to find a place that can meet you where you are.

11-14-09, 08:01 PM
I have been an atheist for a few years now, growing up i was in roman catholic school and everybody i knew was catholic, i know from first hand experience that people in religious circles can be about as open minded and caring as a brick at time, and often the most uncaring people ever which imo is incredibly ironic and hypocritical. (if i am wrong about toms group being to do with religion or something my bad)
I have now forgotten what i was going to say getting so caught up in my feelings :P

What i wanted to say was religion/ church groups are not the only answer out there for a new start and help, for me the best way to deal with stuff is sport, my rugby season with school finished 2 weeks ago and the past 2 weeks i have been feeling like crap and i know that it is because i don't have a place to go where i feel like i belong, being in a club/ sport team i find the people are likely to be like minded. (god minds all over the place atm i hope this is making sense)

If you want a new start i guess looking around in your community for a club or sport team or something you can join where you can meet new people will help, certainly getting away from the friends you used to smoke up with might help.

I myself used to be involved with a group of friends who smoked up all the time, it got to the point we were high in school all the time and i had no money even for lunch and was stealing money from parents etc. I knew i had to change so i joined the rugby team and the guys i met there are my best friends i have ever had (and still are)

man i hope this helps you out a bit i aint doing too well of putting **** into words tonight.

11-14-09, 08:33 PM
I understand. It is often the "bad crowd" who are the least judgmental and thus are the most welcoming of kids with things like ADHD.

One thing you could try if the kids at school aren't much of an option is taking an after school class or joining a club with kids who will have simular interests than you ... without the pressure of always being in the same school as you.

For myself, having friends who didn't see the teachers be hard of me all day was a real god-send.

Volunteering was wonderful for me as well. Everything from local festivals to the theater to sporting events etc etc :)

11-14-09, 09:07 PM
wow this is interesting- I remember from my catholic high school days, lots of cliques mostly... I had a friend back from grade school in a different public school, she was kind of in with the "bad crowd" - they were all so nice & accepting (even though I was the odd one out in fact)

maybe if you find an activity, you really really like, it will help you meet some new people!

11-23-09, 11:32 PM
Thanks for the input everyone. I've been persistent with this group and I finally feel accepted with them. I'll explain more. We had a flag football toruney that our group was invited to and some of them knew that I was pretty good at football so they invited me to go and I jumped at the chance and because I couldn't control myself that well (I usually have good control over my impulsive tendancies) they really noticed that and they respected that. The leader that led our team was really good about keeping me in line when I stepped out of the boundries and he did it in an awesome way. He didn't make me feel like **** afterward.

Now most of them understand me and how I act and they are alot more accepting if that makes any sense.

11-28-09, 06:41 PM

Such behavior in the church is not surprising at all. Just because someone calls themself a christian, doesn't mean they are and that they are going to heaven. It amazes me how unchrist-like people who actually go to church tend to be, you would think it's the total opposite.

I don't know where to tell you to find good, christian people though, because I'm still looking for them myself >_>

I'll just say you are not going the answers to your problems in the church. Yes I believe that all things can be done through Christ but nowadays you are not going to find the people with their arms open ready to help you through your crisis in a church. One day I really hope I can find one that is like that, but right now I don't see it really at all. I think a counselor would be your best bet, especially one that does cognitive behavioral therapy, that stuff is gold.

Though if you love the Lord and want to continue with your group (or another) that's a great thing. You can find great fellowship with other christians, it just takes /alot/ of work to find a place that is loving and accepting of you as you are with your broken past... It is no easy task at all but such places exist, there are still some christ-like REAL christians in this world.